


There Are So Many Ghosts In This Fic

by birdsofanarchy



Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Powers, Canon-Typical Violence, Canonical Character Death, Canonical Child Abuse, Not Beta Read, Supernatural Elements, powers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:47:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 92,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/birdsofanarchy/pseuds/birdsofanarchy
Summary: To say the Baudelaire children were normal would be a stretch, even before the loss of their parents Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were far from normal. With useless bankers and oblivious guardians these three children will have to thwart the dastardly Count Olaf as he tries to steal their fortune. As well as navigate the world without their parents and while harboring many secrets.Powers AU
Relationships: Klaus Baudelaire & Sunny Baudelaire & Violet Baudelaire
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	1. Briny Beach

It was a gray and cloudy morning on Briny Beach when the Baudelaire siblings arrived on the rickety trolley, the Baudelaire children preferred gray and cloudy days as the beach was empty. Violet Baudelaire was the eldest at 14 years old and currently had her hair tied up with a ribbon, Klaus Baudelaire was the middle child and only boy at 12 years old and was reading a book about tide-pools, and Sunny Baudelaire was the youngest Baudelaire who was more or less 2 years old and was putting rocks in her mouth. On the surface the Baudelaires were fairly normal children, they lived in a mansion with their parents in the heart of the city and had an arrangement of completely normal hobbies; such as inventing, reading, and biting hard things. Of course that was not completely accurate, because the Baudelaire children were in fact far from normal.

Beatrice and Bertrand Baudelaire were excited to bring baby Violet home, they had built the nursery and put child locks on cabinets. They had assembled the crib and bought baby food. They had picked out children’s books and baby onesies. All in all they felt that they were ready to be parents, until they lost the baby. Of course not even an hour later they found Violet in her crib safe and sound and wrote it off as exhaustion from the new baby. Except it kept happening. Violet would disappear from the crib or playpen they had left her in only for her to show up right where they left her within the hour. However it wasn’t until Bertrand was changing her diaper that they realized what happened all those times when Violet disappeared before his eyes. Now if you were to have your newborn baby disappear in front of your very eyes you would assume that it was finally time to put yourself into a mental hospital because you finally lost your mind, but the Baudelaire parents who had seen a lot of strange things in their life accepted that they had somehow given birth to a child which could turn invisible. 

And while having a daughter who could turn invisible was odd it wasn’t until Violet was toddling around they learned that she could make force fields. Beatrice was 7 months pregnant with their second child when Violet wandered into the library, and like most small children will do at least once in their lifetime, decided to cause a mess. She walked to one of the very large bookcases and made the executive decision that pulling as hard as she can on the shelfs was a great idea. And like most great ideas had by toddlers it ended with her parents yelling her name as a bookshelf came down upon her head. Now if a normal baby had decided to pull on a bookshelf which then landed on their head they would most likely not walk away fine, however Violet in not a normal baby, so when Bertrand pulled the bookshelf off the ground rather than Violet crying with an injury, they found her with a purple bubble surrounding her. 

Klaus Baudelaire came around soon after, and like his sister it took his parents several weeks to find what was odd about him, at first they had thought that maybe only Violet came out with powers, but when Klaus managed to get out of his crib constantly they realized that it was happening again. And again it was Bertrand who happened to see his child break all known laws about babies as Klaus was hovering a few feet above his bedding. However unlike Violet it took until Klaus was talking to learn of his second power.

It was when Klaus was 4 and Violet was 6 when they got in a fight over some fact about clocks, Violet who had taken apart a clock not even a week ago was sure that she was right, and Klaus who had been told the fact by an adult was sure that he was right because he had not yet realized that not everything adults say are correct. And when Bertrand came in to settle this dispute he was shocked to find that not only was his son correct, it was a fact that he shouldn't have known yet, as the book about clocks was much too hard for a young boy. And when questioned with where he might have learn that fact Klaus responded with Mr. Nuremberg. Now as most parents do when a young child tells them that someone that they cannot see is with them the Baudelaires assumed that Klaus had an imaginary friend, however as time went on they became suspicious. When Klaus was 5 years old they asked after numerous times of him presenting information he shouldn’t have if there were people in the house besides them. He answered yes. Now learning that your daughter can disappear and create force fields and that your son can levitate is one thing, but learning that said son can also see ghosts is a little more shocking. 

When Beatrice learned that they were expecting another child she was worried, while having a daughter who can turn invisible is daunting learning that their, then, youngest child could see people who they could not was a little suffocating. Beatrice and Bertrand were worried what this child would face, would it be something as simple as superspeed, if that can be considered simple, or as terrifying as monsters coming out of your stomach. As it turned out they didn't need to worry as Sunny Baudelaire made it very clear that she had neither superspeed nor monsters. Instead the morning they brought her home she made her displeasure known to the whole household by projecting that she wanted milk into everyone’s minds. It took a little while longer to learn that she could also hear her family’s thoughts and even longer after that to learn that her teeth were extremely strong and sharp. Because of both her ability to speak to her family without words and read their minds Sunny was much smarter and far more capable than the average 2 year old.

It was because of these abilities that Sunny Baudelaire was able to alert her siblings of an approaching figure from the fog, it was also because of this that she knew that it was not a monster as Violet had initially thought was able to tell her to not throw the stone in her hand at Mr. Poe. Once the banker stopped in front of the children and removed his hat he opened his mouth as though to say something before breaking out in a fit of coughs. As the children stood there waiting for the fit to pass they wondered why he could be on the beach to, presumably, speak to them, if there was an issue with their accounts the Baudelaire siblings thought he would go to their parents. They were brought out of their thoughts as the coughing passed and a semi awkward silence fell upon the group. Rather than wait for Mr. Poe to speak Violet took initiative and asked, “How do you do?”

“How do you do?” Klaus followed his sister’s lead.

“Owo yow?” Sunny said. 

“Fine, thank you.” Mr. Poe replied, it seemed sad however. The Baudelaire waited for him to continue but the silence stretched on.

“It’s a nice day.” Violet offered.

“Yes, it is a nice day,” Mr. Poe said absently, staring out at the empty beach. “I'm afraid I have some very bad news for you children.”

The 3 Baudelaires said nothing, though with all the silence and waiting Violet almost wanted to shake Mr. Poe and shout but she refrained. As they continued to stand Klaus bent down and picked up his sister. After another moment Mr. Poe seemed to steel himself.

“Your parents,” Mr. Poe said, “have perished in a terrible fire.” 

The children didn’t say anything. 

“They perished,” Mr. Poe said, “in a fire that destroyed the entire house. I'm very, very sorry to tell you this, my dears.

They still remained quiet. 

“ ‘Perished,’ ” Mr. Poe said, “means ‘killed.’ ” 

“We know what the word ‘perished’ means,” Klaus said, crossly. And they did, the quiet was not confusion so much as shock. Violet was the next to speak one of the many questions bouncing around their heads.

“Is the house still there? Can we see it?”

“No it burned completely to the ground.” Mr. Poe said, “I was sent to retrieve you here, and to take you to my home, where you’ll stay for some time while we figure things out. I am the executor of your parents’ estate. That means I will be handling their enormous fortune and figuring out where you children will go. When Violet comes of age, the fortune will be yours, but the bank will take charge of it until you are old enough.”

Mr. Poe reached out to take Violet’s hand and lead her away, robotically as if her body were moving without her brain she took his hand and walked towards his car hardly noticing her siblings following along behind her.


	2. Mr. Poe's

Mr. Poe’s home was not a comfortable one for the Baudelaire orphans, they had to share a single mattress and wear itchy clothes that Mrs. Poe bought them. They also had to share a room with Mr Poe’s sons who were also displeased with this fact. Still when Mr. Poe had made arrangements for them the siblings were unsure. When Violet questioned where they would be staying Mr. Poe opened his mouth to say something, but erupted into a brief fit of coughing. 

“I have made arrangements,” he said finally, “for you to be raised by a distant relative of yours who lives on the other side of town. His name is Count Olaf.”

Now none of the children had ever heard of a Count Olaf and were unsure of how to feel about that. Before Klaus could ask how they were related Mr. Poe continued.

“Your parents’ will,” Mr. Poe said, “instructs that you be raised in the most convenient way possible. Here in the city, you’ll be used to your surroundings, and this Count Olaf is the only relative who lives within the urban limits.” 

Klaus didn’t think that sounded right but didn’t want to push the matter so instead decide to circle back to his original question.

“How exactly is this Count Olaf related to us?” 

“He is either a third cousin four times removed, or a fourth cousin three times removed. He is not your closest relative on the family tree, but he is the closest geographically. That’s why-” 

“If he lives in the city,” Violet interrupted, “why didn’t our parents ever invite him over?” 

“Possibly because he was very busy,” Mr. Poe said. “He’s an actor by trade, and often travels around the world with various theater companies.” 

“I thought he was a count,” Klaus said.

“He is both a count and an actor,” Mr. Poe said. “Now, I don’t mean to cut short our dinner, but you children have to pack up your things, and I have to return to the bank to do some more work. Like your new legal guardian, I am very busy myself.”

The children wanted to ask more questions but Mr. Poe showed no interest in answering them so as his sons moved to help clear the table the 3 Baudelaire children moved up the stairs to pack their few belongings. In the room they were allowed some of the only alone time they had gotten since Mr. Poe approached them at the beach. Violet turned to Klaus and asked a question that has been on her minds for a while now.

“Have you seen our parents?”

“No, I haven’t, sorry.” He replied.

“It’s alright. Would they have stayed at the house?” Violet asked.

“Maybe,” Klaus shrugged. “It’s hard to say, some ghosts stay where they died, some follow people around, some go somewhere completely random.”

“Well wouldn’t our parents come find us?”

“Not if they don’t know where we are. If they don’t know we are with Mr. Poe then they could be waiting at the house,” Klaus paused for a moment. “Or they could have passed on right away.”

“But wouldn’t our parents want to make sure we are alright?” Violet argued.

“I don’t know Violet. Death makes people do odd things alright.” Klaus said back.

“Saument!” Sunny said, which meant. “Stop arguing, I know we are stressed but fighting doesn’t help.”

Klaus wanted to say they weren’t arguing but Sunny shot him a look saying that isn’t true so instead Violet said, “sorry Sunny.” She waves her hand as if to say it’s fine and turns back to folding her clothes. Of course Sunny wasn’t actually folding, as she was a baby, but rather pushing the few dresses she had around. Violet turns to Klaus to start up the conversation again when they hear footsteps coming towards them forcing her to drop it. 

“Baudelaires,” Mrs. Poe calls. “You should go to sleep, you need lots of energy to meet this Count Olaf tomorrow.”

“Okay Mrs. Poe.” The 3 of them call back although Sunny’s comes out more as “owa mapo.” Mrs. Poe then turns off the lights leaving the not at all ready for bed children in the dark. Violet waited a few moments for Mrs. Poe to leave before sighing and moving to find the light switch so that the Baudelaires could actually get to bed. The 3 finish packing and move to brush their teeth before finally settling down to bed.

“Good night Sunny, Klaus.” Violet whispers.

“Good night Violet, Sunny.” Klaus whispers.

Sunny didn’t need to whisper as she could simply project good night directly into her siblings heads without words being needed. 

The next morning approached too fast for the children, even though they didn’t like Mr. Poe’s home too much they knew what to expect, it wasn’t some new place as this Count Olaf’s would be. As they gathered their meager belongs and headed towards Mr. Poe’s automobile that feeling persisted, as though they were heading towards some great monster. Of course the children knew that was silly though, it was either a third cousin four times removed or a fourth cousin three times removed they were heading to, not a monster. Yet that feeling of dread continued till Mr. Poe stopped the car and they saw their new home. The bricks had been cleaned very well, and through the wide and open windows one could see an assortment of well-groomed plants. Standing in the doorway, with her hand on the shiny brass doorknob, was an older woman, smartly dressed, who was smiling at the children. In one hand she carried a flowerpot. 

“Hello there!” she called out. “You must be the children Count Olaf is adopting.”

It was like a fog had lifted off the children and suddenly their future didn’t seem so bleak. As they exited the car and moved towards the women Violet moved to shake her hand.

“Hello, my name is Violet Baudelaire, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.” Violet said. “And this is Mr. Poe, He has been handling things since our parents died.”

“Yes, I heard about the accident,” the woman said. “I am Justice Strauss.”

“That’s an unusual first name,” Klaus remarked. 

“It is my title,” she explained, “not my first name. I serve as a judge on the High Court.”

“How fascinating,” Violet said. “And are you married to Count Olaf?”

“Goodness me no,” Justice Strauss said. “I don’t actually know him that well. He is my next-door neighbor.” 

The 4 of them turned to the house opposite of Justice Strauss’s, which was grimy and grim looking. There were only two small windows, which were closed with the shades drawn even though it was a nice day. It also had a tall tower that was tilting rising from the windows. And on the front door there was an image of an eye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I added another chapter as a reward for finishing the first book.


	3. Count Olaf

Mr. Poe knocked on Count Olaf’s door right in the center of the large eye carved into it. The door creaked loudly as it swung open, and standing in its entrance was a tall, skinny, and overall unpleasant looking man. 

"Hello, hello, hello." The man, Count Olaf, said. As he beckoned for the group to enter Count Olaf added, "Hello, my children. Please step into your new home, and wipe your feet outside so no mud gets indoors."

Which was an odd request given that the house looked as though it had not been cleaned since Count Olaf would have been a baby, in fact Violet at that moment thought that if she so desired she could start a garden on the living room floor due to the amount of dirt covering it. However if Mr. Poe saw something wrong with their living situation, he gave no inclination of it. Or perhaps he did have some inclination but did the adult thing of pretending a terrible situation is not terrible because it will not affect them in a few moments. 

"This room looks like it needs a little work," Mr. Poe said diplomatically.

"I realize that my humble home isn’t as fancy as the Baudelaire mansion," Count Olaf said, "but perhaps with a bit of your money we could fix it up a little nicer."

"Oh no!" Mr. Poe said with more energy than he’s had since the Baudelaires came under his care. "The Baudelaire fortune will not be used for such matters. In fact, it will not be used at all, until Violet is of age."

Olaf looked like he bit a lemon but he quickly swallowed and calmed his expression.

"All right then," he said. "It’s the same to me. Thank you very much, Mr. Poe, for bringing them here. Children, I will now show you to your room."

"Good-bye, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny," Mr. Poe said, stepping back through the front door. "I hope you will be very happy here. I will continue to see you occasionally, and you can always contact me at the bank if you have any questions." 

"But we don’t even know where the bank is," Klaus said.

"I have a map of the city," Count Olaf said. "Good-bye, Mr. Poe."

Olaf all but pushed Mr. Poe out, ignoring his attempts to say good bye and Violet’s quiet "did he say room? as in one?" towards her siblings, and shut the door quickly. As he turned to the children Sunny, who was on the ground, saw an eye which matched the door on his ankle. 

"Come along children, I’ll show you your room." Olaf said.

"Do you mean rooms." Violet said politely.

"Yes, room." Olaf said. 

"Rooms." Violet countered. 

"Room." Olaf was walking away at this point, up the large staircase while the Baudelaires scrambled to follow. He led them to a small room, singular, with a bare mattress and a cardboard box as the furniture. Olaf gave a sweeping motion with his arm and moved to the side to let the children enter.

"Here is your bed," Olaf pointed at the bare mattress, then pointed to the box. "You can put your clothes there. And here are some rocks to play with"

The Baudelaire children said nothing, and instead looked at their abysmal room with one bed that was much too small for the three children. Violet wanted to ask "how do you expect us to sleep like this?" But she hesitated at the look which had yet to leave Olaf’s eyes at learning that the Baudelaire fortune would be unavailable to him. It was the type of look which made the room feel as though it was quite a bit cooler than it was, the type of look that Violet had not seen on another person before this moment. 

"Well, Settle in Baudelaires. Good night." Count Olaf said as he turned and shut the door.

"It is the afternoon!" Violet turned to the door only to hear it lock. "This is terrible."

"Horrible." Sunny agreed, although it actually sounded more like "Owobo".

"It is… less than pleasant." Klaus said while eying up the ghosts which stood in the corner of the room, they seemed fairly passive. "But it could be worse."

"How could it be worse." Violet said before following her brother’s eyeline. "Nevermind. Let’s get… settled in."

The night passed as Violet slept on the hard ground and Klaus slept on the uncomfortable bed and Sunny slept on the surprising comfortable clothing in the cardboard box, at least compared to her siblings. As morning approached Violet and Klaus both got up as soon as the sun rose due to their less than ideal sleeping conditions and found that at some point during the night their door had been unlocked, as they moved down the stairs with a tired Sunny the siblings keep an eye out of Olaf, yet found no sign of him. They learned why when on the kitchen table they saw a note which listed many chores they had to do along with that Count Olaf would be back after his acting practice. The Baudelaires reluctantly began their long list of chores after a disappointing breakfast of oatmeal. First up was sweeping the floors and washing the windows, which they decided to split as Klaus does the windows, which were very high, and Violet and Sunny swept the floors. While they worked there was very little conversation, at least between the siblings. 

Klaus had begun chatting with the owners of the home before Count Olaf, who had a great many issues with what he had done with the place. From the drab curtains to the ugly furniture Mr. and Mrs. Avery had lots of grievances. 

"I mean it is disgraceful what that boy had done with our home." Mr. Avery, who had died a while earlier, grumbled. "I mean how did he even get it?"

"Oh I know dear, honestly before today I wasn’t even sure if he had ever heard of a broom." Mrs. Avery agreed before turning to address Klaus. "You know my great-granddaughter is still alive, yet because his great-aunt is my brother’s sister in law he gets the house? Ridiculous!"

"Mmmm, that is very unfortunate." Klaus said sympathetically. 

"And he has no taste, this place is incredibly gaudy." Mrs. Avery continued.

Klaus did not feel it was appropriate to correct her despite, while tasteless, the home was not extremely bright or showy, but he knew that ghosts don’t appreciate being corrected very much. So he held his tongue as he finished cleaning the final window and lowered himself to the ground, having forgone the ladder a few windows back. Violet and Sunny still seem to have quite a bit left to go so he moved onto the next objective on the list and resigned himself to a long, lonely day. 

The next few days progressed similarly to this, with Olaf leaving before the children woke, leaving behind a long list of chores, of which would take the whole day. Then after a dinner which was as sad as their breakfast of oatmeal they would go to bed where Klaus and Violet would trade off who slept on the ground, and Sunny who was sick of sleeping on a pile of clothes, slept on hammocks which were made from the curtains on the wall. For the most part the children did not see much of Count Olaf, which was fine by them, yet one day he came home in the middle of the afternoon for some reason. As he walked towards the room Violet was dusting in, she recognized that the footsteps were not of her brother and panicked turned invisible. And as Olaf entered the room she froze watching him putter around looking for something. A few seconds later she realized with mounting horror that she had not turned the feather duster invisible as well, and instead of doing the rational thing Violet instead decided to slowly creep towards the shelf to put the duster down. As she was halfway there Violet’s foot hit a creak and she dropped the duster right as Olaf’s head whipped around to where she was. Violet waited with bated breath as Olaf looked at the duster on the ground before shrugging it off and moving out of the room. Once he had left Violet dropped her cover and facepalmed at her reaction. 

It was a few days after this that Olaf approached the children and told them of the dinner which they would be making for his troupe.


	4. A bad dinner

In the end Violet decided that it was time to ask Justice Strauss if they could use her library to find a recipe. When they had asked her Justice Strauss was quick to agree and show them to her library. It was in a nice sized room towards the back of her house. There were shelves and shelves of books, on every wall from the floor to the ceiling. The only place there weren’t books was in one corner, where there were some large, comfortable-looking chairs and a wooden table with lamps hanging over them, perfect for reading. Although it was not as big as their parents’ library, it was as cozy, and the Baudelaire children were thrilled.

"Where are your cookbooks? We need to make dinner for Count Olaf’ theater troupe." Violet said.

"Goodness," Justice Strauss said. "Cooking dinner for an entire theater troupe seems like a lot to ask of children." 

"Count Olaf gives us a lot of responsibility," Violet said. What she wanted to say was, "Count Olaf is an evil man," but she was well mannered. 

"Well that entire section," She said pointing to a part of the shelfs. "Holds the cook books. I’ll be outside gardening if you need me."

"Thank you." Violet said.

"Thank you." Klaus said.

"Ankoo." Sunny said, which of course meant "thank you". 

It took about an hour of looking through the books for Klaus to point out a recipe which he thought would work.

"‘Puttanesca.’ It’s an Italian sauce for pasta. All we need to do is sauté olives, capers, anchovies, garlic, chopped parsley, and tomatoes together in a pot, and prepare spaghetti to go with it." He said.

"That sounds easy," Violet agreed.

Violet copied down the recipe before leaving the library and thanking Justice Strauss once again. After running back to the house to collect the meager amount of money Olaf left for them the three children rode the Rickety Trolley into the city and went to a market. After a few hours they were able to find everything with enough money to buy some pudding as dessert and Violet, Klaus, and Sunny went back to the house to prepare dinner.

For most of the afternoon, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny cooked the puttanesca sauce according to the recipe. Violet roasted the garlic and washed and chopped the anchovies. Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives. Sunny banged on a pot with a wooden spoon, singing a rather repetitive song she had written herself. And all three of the children felt less miserable than they had since their arrival at Count Olaf’s. The smell of cooking food was calming, and the kitchen grew cozy as the sauce simmered. Just as they were placing the pudding in the refrigerator to cool, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny heard a loud, booming sound as the front door was flung open, signaling Olaf’s return.

"Oh orphans." He called in a sing-song voice. "Where are you?"

"In the kitchen." Violet called back.

"Is dinner done? My troupe is right behind me and they are very hungry. Where is the roast beef?"

"We didn’t make roast beef," Violet said. "We made puttanesca sauce." 

"What?" Count Olaf asked. "No roast beef?" 

"You didn’t tell us you wanted roast beef," Klaus said.

Count Olaf moved as to be standing over the children menacingly, his eyes holding far more fury than the situation would require. 

"How are we supposed to have a feast if there is no roast beef? I demand that you serve roast beef to myself and my guests." Count Olaf said as though it was not an impossible request.

"We don’t have any!" Violet cried. "We made puttanesca sauce!"

"Don’t talk back to me!" He shouted.

"No!" Sunny shouted. Of course she was saying "that makes no sense, how are we supposed to have a conversation if we can’t talk back to you."

Count Olaf seemed to notice the youngest Baudelaire for the first time that evening, his face screwed up in disgust as he looked at Sunny. With a scowl he lifted the baby in the air with his left hand so she would be face to face with him. At this Sunny began to start sobbing in fear. 

"Put her down you monster!" Klaus shouted at the man as he tried to grab Sunny who was out of his reach.

Count Olaf then backhanded Klaus across the face and dumped the youngest Baudelaire in her sister’s arms. Violet, while holding Sunny, dropped to her brother’s side, who was laying on the floor, cheek held in his hand. In that moment lots of things were racing through Violet’s head but all froze on her tongue.

"What did I say about back talking?" Olaf asked rhetorically.

He turned, leaving the three orphans on the floor.

"Klaus are you okay?" Violet whispered.

"Yeah." He said back. "Let’s serve dinner before he gets angrier." 

"Okay."

They gathered themselves up and moved around the kitchen. Violet grabbed the sauce and Klaus grabbed the pasta. They left Sunny in the kitchen before serving the troupe, having gross comments directed at them by Olaf’s friends while they did so. Once they served the meal the Baudelaires sat in the kitchen pushing around their own portions. It wasn’t until shouting started back up from the dining room demanding desert that Violet and Klaus reentered the room. As they finished serving Olaf turned to address the children.

"Because you haven’t cleaned up yet," he said to the orphans, "I suppose you can be excused from attending tonight’s performance. But after cleaning up, you are to go straight to your beds." 

"You mean our bed." Klaus said. "You only provided us with one bed."

"If you would like another bed," Olaf said, "tomorrow you may go into town and purchase one."

"You know perfectly well we haven’t any money," Klaus said. 

Violet’s hand shot out to grab her brother’s wrist in warning. 

"Of course you do," Count Olaf said. "You are the inheritors of an enormous fortune."

"That money is not to be used until Violet is of age." Klaus said.

Olaf, instead of answering, reached forwards to pat the cheek which was already starting to bruise. Giving a very condescending smile Count Olaf said, "We will see. Go to bed."

Violet pulled her brother out of the room and gathered Sunny up. Ignoring the dishes she pulled them both up the stairs as laughter came from behind them. Violet wanted to shout at her brother for taunting Olaf, she also wanted to hug him for being brave. Dumb, but brave. Insead she stood with her ear to the door waiting for the sound of the door closing so she could go down and do the dishes. Once the front door closed with a large slam Violet and Klaus went down to finish the dishes, silence hanging over them like a very large blanket and other appropriate metaphors. And while scrubbing the large pot which the pasta had been in Violet decided it was time to talk to Mr. Poe. 

The Baudelaires managed to avoid Olaf the next morning and instead of starting on the list of tasks given to them Violet dragged her siblings out of the house. She had been over the entire building and knew that Count Olaf did not in fact have a map of the city so insead Violet got on the Rickety Trolley and hoped for the best. It took 2 hours and 3 banks for the children to finally find Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management. It took another hour before his secretary would let them into his room and when she did he looked surprised to see them.

"Hello Baudelaires I’m very busy today so I don’t have too much time to chat. Next time you should call ahead of time when you plan on being in the neighborhood, and I will put some time aside to take you to lunch." Mr. Poe said.

"Sorry about that but it was an emergency." Violet said.

"Count Olaf is a madman," Klaus said, getting right to the point. "We cannot stay with him." 

"He struck Klaus across the face. See his bruise?" Violet said, but just as she said it, one of the telephones in the room rang.

"Excuse me," Mr. Poe said, and picked up the phone. "Poe here. What? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Thank you." 

"Mr. Poe?" Violet said after a few moments.

"I’m sorry what were we talking about? Oh, yes, Count Olaf. I’m sorry you don’t have a good first impression of him." Mr. Poe said.

"He has only provided us with one bed," Klaus said. 

"He makes us do a great many difficult chores." 

"He drinks too much wine." 

Another phone started ringing. "Poe here. Seven. Seven. Seven. Seven. Six and a half. Seven. You’re welcome." 

"Mr. Poe." Violet said again after Poe didn’t turn back to them.

"What were you saying about Count Olaf? Making you do chores doesn’t sound too bad." Mr. Poe finally responded.

"He calls us orphans." 

"He has terrible friends." 

"He is always asking about our money." 

"Are you familiar with the Latin term ‘in loco parentis’?" Mr. Poe asked, sounding tired.

Klaus frowned for a moment before shaking his head no.

"‘In loco parentis’ means ‘acting in the role of parent,’ It is a legal term and it applies to Count Olaf. Now that you are in his care, the Count may raise you using any methods he sees fit" Mr. Poe said.

"But he struck my brother!" Violet said. "Look at his face!"

Another phone began to ring and Mr. Poe went to pick it up.

"He’s not going to help us Vi." Klaus said sadly.

"Let’s just go." Violet said and walked out ignoring the wave goodbye Poe sent their way.

The ride back to the house was quiet, as was the rest of the time spent doing chores and getting ready for bed. And, not for the first time but with the most amount of desperation, the Baudelaires wished that their house had not burned down.


	5. We lost the baby

The next morning Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were surprised that, rather than a list of chores, sitting at the kitchen table was Count Olaf. And the oatmeal rather than being still in the pot was served out in bowls with raspberries on top. The Baudelaires were looking for a trap, why else would Olaf lay out their breakfast; Sunny offered that the raspberries might be poisoned, something which the children couldn’t be sure he would stoop to. Olaf leaned over and plucked a raspberry out of Klaus’ bowl at the children’s hesitation.

"Aren’t raspberries delicious?" he asked. "They were my favorite berries when I was your age."

"We’re all different ages." Violet said.

"I received a phone call yesterday," Count Olaf said, ignoring Violet, "from Mr. Poe. He told me you children had been to see him."

At those words the tension mounted as the children wondered what terrible thing Count Olaf would do over this.

"Mr. Poe told me," Count Olaf said, "that you appeared to be having some difficulty adjusting to the life I have so graciously provided for you. I’m very sorry to hear that."

"Is that so?" Violet said. "I’m sorry Mr. Poe bothered you." 

"I’m glad he did," Count Olaf said, "because I want the three of you to feel at home here, now that I am your father." 

The Baudelaires had a father, a rather good one that was not like Count Olaf. A father that they missed terribly and who, in their minds, would never be replaced. But none of the children felt like pointing that out to Count Olaf.

"Lately, I have been very nervous about my performances with the theater troupe, and I’m afraid I may have acted a bit standoffish." Olaf continued.

Klaus once again pushed down the need to correct the misuse of a word because, like ghosts, he thought that Count Olaf wouldn’t take kindly to corrections. 

"Therefore, to make you feel a little more at home here, I would like to have you participate in my next play. Perhaps if you took part in the work I do, you would be less likely to run off complaining to Mr. Poe." Count Olaf continued. 

"In what way would we participate?" Violet asked.

"The play is called The Marvelous Marriage, and it is written by the great playwright Al Funcoot. We will give only one performance, on this Friday night. It is about a man who is very brave and intelligent, played by me. In the finale, he marries the young, beautiful woman he loves, in front of a crowd of cheering people. You, Klaus, and you, Sunny, will play some of the cheering people in the crowd." Olaf answered. 

"And what will I do?" Violet asked nervously. 

"You are going to play the young woman I marry." Count Olaf said.

It felt as though warning bells were going off in the children’s heads. Violet did not, even just for a play, want to marry Count Olaf. Klaus didn’t like the way Olaf’s eyes seemed to shine as if he had just told a very funny joke. And Sunny could feel the malice coming from Count Olaf’s thoughts even without pushing into his head. And at that moment all Violet wanted to do was get out of it.

"Count Olaf," Violet started before changing her mind. "Father, I’m not sure I’m talented enough to perform professionally. I would hate to disgrace your good name and the name of Al Funcoot. Plus I’ll be very busy in the next few weeks working on my inventions-and learning how to prepare roast beef." 

Now Klaus had thought his sister had made some good points and he hoped that Olaf agreed. However that was not the case as Olaf reached out and grabbed Violet’s chin. 

"You will participate in this theatrical performance. I would prefer it if you would participate voluntarily, but as I believe Mr. Poe explained to you, I can order you to participate and you must obey." Olaf turned to walk out of the room leaving the children behind. They remained quiet for a few moments before Klaus turned to his sisters.

"Well, it won’t hurt to be in his play, I guess." He offered.

"But he must be up to something," Violet said. 

"You don’t think those berries were poisoned, do you?" Klaus asked dryly. 

"No." Violet said, ignoring her brother’s not funny joke. "Killing us would do no good. He must be up to something."

"Maybe Sunny could check?" Klaus said.

"No. People can feel when Sunny is rooting around their head. We can’t risk it." Violet said.

"Yeah, you’re right. I wish we knew something more about inheritance law, I’ll bet Count Olaf has cooked up some plan to get our money, but I don’t know what it could be." Klaus said.

"Poe." Sunny offered out loud. Of course she was actually saying "maybe we could ask Mr. Poe". 

"But Mr. Poe would probably call Count Olaf again, and then he’d know we were on to him," Klaus pointed out. "Maybe we should try to talk to Justice Strauss. She’s a judge, so she must know all about the law." 

"But she’s also Olaf’s neighbor," Violet replied, "and she might tell him that we had asked." 

"Book!" Sunny said. She did not feel the need to elaborate this.

"Count Olaf didn’t leave us any chores to do," Violet said, "so I suppose we are free to visit Justice Strauss and her library."

"I think I would like to read about inheritance laws today." Klaus said.

"You know I think I would as well." Violet agrees.

The Baudelaire siblings left the house and went across the street to ask to use their neighbors library once again. Leaving Sunny with Justice Strauss in the garden, with a warning that she will try to eat dirt, Klaus and Violet settled in to read law books. It was late afternoon when Justice Strauss entered the library and saw what the children were reading.

"Oh is that what you both are reading? Are you sure you want to read those enormous law books? Even I don’t like reading them, and I work in law." Justice Strauss said.

"We want to open a joint law firm when we are older." Klaus said in lieu of an answer.

"Well, it’s good to have goals I suppose." Justice Strauss said. 

Violet simply hummed at her rather than answer. While the law books could get quite boring she was reading about how a man claimed that elfs were stealing his hair as he slept only to find out that his ex-girlfriend was breaking in while he slept. Not very relevant but interesting. At the lack of response Justice Strauss left the room to rejoin Sunny in the garden. Not even a few minutes later a man arrived at the door of the library, it was the hook-handed man from Count Olaf’s troupe. 

"Hey orphans. Count Olaf said it was time to go." He said.

"Oh okay," Violet said. "Sunny is in the garden, I’ll show you where."

"Fine." The hook-handed man said.

As they left Violet mouthed over her shoulder "keep looking" to Klaus. He looked around the room but couldn’t find something that would help. There wasn’t enough time so as the footsteps started to return he shoved a random book with the word nuptial on the front under his shirt. Once they came back Klaus quickly walked to the front to try and hide the book from view, as hiding a book under your shirt isn’t very subtle. 

That night, rather than sleep, Klaus stayed up and read the book. And by morning he was sure he had found out what Olaf was planning. And with the confidence only 12 year olds can have he went down the stairs first thing in the morning to infodump Olaf’s entire plan on him. However instead of being angry like Klaus thought he would, Olaf instead looked like he had just heard a very funny joke. 

"I guess you’ve found me out," Olaf said simply. "I suppose you’re right: I’ll go to prison, and you and the other orphans will go free. Now, why don’t you run up to your room and wake your sisters? I’m sure they’ll want to know all about your grand victory over my evil ways." 

Klaus frowned at that but followed Olaf up to his room. He stopped at the door so Klaus entered the room and shook Violet awake. 

"I stayed up all night reading, and I discovered what Count Olaf is up to. He plans to marry you for real, when you and Justice Strauss and everyone all think it’s just a play, and once he’s your husband he’ll have control of our parents’ money and he can dispose of us." Klaus said.

"How can he marry me for real?" Violet asked. "It’s only a play." 

"The only legal requirements of marriage is saying ‘I do,’ and signing a document in your own hand in the presence of a judge, like Justice Strauss." Klaus said. 

"But surely I’m not old enough to get married," Violet said. "I’m only fourteen." 

"Girls under the age of eighteen," Klaus said, "can marry if they have the permission of their legal guardian. That’s Count Olaf."

"We need to tell Mr. Poe." Violet said. 

"I’ll grab Sunny, you get dressed." Klaus said.

However when Klaus went to wake up his sister he found nothing but blankets in the curtain pile. As he continued to search Klaus became frantic, as did Violet when Klaus told her he couldn’t find Sunny. As they continued to look Olaf entered the room.

"Well where could the baby be?" He asked in fake shock.

"What did you do with her!" Violet demanded.

Rather than answer her, Olaf smiled and began to walk out leaving the elder Baudelaires to scramble after him. As they entered the courtyard Violet and Klaus looked for their sister. However it wasn’t until Klaus looked up that they saw Sunny.

"Oh no." Klaus said.

In a small birdcage high above the ground the siblings could see their sister hanging out the window on the top of the tower. And as her siblings argued with Olaf and learned that if they did not go through with the wedding he would drop Sunny to her death, Sunny, having just woken up at the commotion, stared out over the city and thought "shit".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The miserable mill is weirdly hard to write.


	6. A Marvelous Marriage

The rest of the day was spent anxiously doing the large amount of chores Olaf had left for them while periodically checking on Sunny. But once night fell Violet got to work. Pulling her hair back she took down the rods that were holding up the curtains and the rocks which the children had left in a pile in the corner to make a hook. She then took the curtains that had been Sunny’s bed and used the devil’s tongue knot to tie the hooks together, creating a grappling hook. Gathering everything up in her arms Violet left the room and walked out to the courtyard. It took a few tries, one of which ended up cutting Violet’s arm, but the grappling hook eventually caught on something in the tower. She started to climb, trying to not look down as Violet slowly made her way higher and higher. However once Violet got near the top she felt Sunny shove her way in her head and yell "HIDE", panic seeping in from her sister flooding her mind. Violet just barely managed to disappear as soon as the hook-handed man stuck his head out the window, triumphant look falling into confusion at the nothing he was looking at. The hook had gotten stuck on one of his hands rather than some piece of furniture, like Violet thought. 

Violet froze for a moment before sending a silent apology to Sunny and slowly climbing down the rope. There was nothing she could do while he was there and the Baudelaire siblings could not afford two of them trapped at the top of the tower. Violet was about a quarter the way down the hook-handed man started to pull the rope up, obviously struggling to pull her up as well. Violet climbed down as fast as she could after that but ended up having to drop the remaining distance to the ground and landed hard on her back. Panicked and hurt Violet ran back to the room invisibility still covering her. She just managed to shut the door and dive by the bed right as Olaf threw the door open.

"My henchman just found a grappling thing hanging out the side of my tower. Know anything orphans?" The question was filled with anger.

"Huh?" Klaus responded, still mostly asleep.

"Which one of you tried the little stunt to rescue your sister." Olaf said, glaring at the two.

"Hey! We didn’t do anything." Klaus said.

Olaf looked away for a moment, seemingly to grab something. As he did Klaus turned to his sister and mouthed "what did you do?" Violet simply shook her hands at him, signaling for Klaus to drop it.

"Then what is this?" Olaf said, holding the grappling hook.

"I have never seen that before in my life." Violet lied calmly.

"Oh really, so where are your curtains. And the curtain rod." Olaf countered.

"What curtains?" Violet almost sounded convincing.

Olaf gave a cruel smile before saying, "neither of you snot nosed brats will ruin this play. You will stay locked in this room until it is time to start. And if anything stops this marriage the baby will drop to her death." 

At that Olaf slammed the door shut and locked it. 

The rest of the night and following morning passed slowly, however it still felt way too soon when the two white faced women came to collect the siblings and bring them to the theater. The entire backstage area was a hive of activity. People were running around with parts of the background and doing makeup on actors and setting up props and all around ignoring the children still in pajamas. However as the curtain closed Olaf stepped back stage and demanded why they weren’t in costume the whirlwind to turn on them. Violet got put in a fluffy, white dress and a long vail by what felt like 5 different sets of hands, and Klaus got put in a sailor’s costume by 2 women while a man harshly brushed his hair. When it finally stopped the children found themselves seated next to justice Strauss. 

"Hello," Klaus said glumly, uncomfortable from how much he was just touched. "What’s that book?"

"Why, those are my lines," Justice Strauss said. "Count Olaf told me to bring a law book and read the real wedding ceremony, in order to make the play as realistic as possible. All you have to say, Violet, is ‘I do,’ but I have to make quite a speech. This is going to be such fun." 

"You know what would be fun," Violet said carefully, "is if you changed your lines around, just a little." 

Klaus’s face lit up. "Yes, Justice Strauss. Be creative. There’s no reason to stick to the legal ceremony. It’s not as if it’s a real wedding." 

Justice Strauss frowned. "I don’t know about that, children," she said. "I think it would be best to follow Count Olaf’s instructions. After all, he’s in charge."

At that moment the curtain rose and everyone was shushed. Violet and Klaus shared a desperate glance and waited for Olaf to finish talking. 

"What are we going to do?" Klaus whispered to his sister.

"Shhh." Justice Strauss whispered, cutting off any reply.

It seemed as though they could do nothing as Olaf continued to monologue. And as people were getting ready to go on the Baudelaires were pulled to the side by the bald man.

"No funny stuff," he said to them, pointing a finger in their faces. "Remember, when you go out there, just do exactly what you’re supposed to do. Count Olaf will be holding his walkie-talkie during the entire act, and if you do even one thing wrong, he’ll be giving Sunny a call up there in the tower." 

"Yes, yes," Klaus said bitterly. He was tired of being threatened in the same way, over and over. 

"You’d better do exactly as planned," the man said again. 

And then they were dragged out and Klaus had to watch from the crowd as Justice Strauss read the lines out of the book and Olaf said "I do" and then gestured for Violet to do the same. She hesitated for a moment before Olaf placed a hand on the walkie-talkie, swallowing harshly she said "I do" in a small voice, hoping that maybe Justice Strauss wouldn’t hear her. But she did and Justice Strauss was then handed a piece of paper from an actor and she handed it to Count Olaf to sign. He pulled a large feather from his coat pocket and dramatically wrote his name on the paper, after which Violet was handed the large quill and the piece of paper. She held the pen for a long moment before subtly changing it to her left hand. And as she signed the paper Olaf’s face lit up. 

"And now, ladies and gentlemen," Count Olaf said, stepping forward to address the audience, "I have an announcement. There is no reason to continue tonight’s performance, for its purpose has been served. This has not been a scene of fiction. My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal, and now I am in control of her entire fortune."

There was a huge gasp from the crowd as people started to argue. Poe pointed out Violet was too young. Strauss said that the marriage was just for the play. Others, both actors and audience, also made their displeasure known. One man shouted about how he wanted a refund as he came to see a fake marriage not a real one. But Count Olaf had rebuttals to all of their claims. 

"Now let go of Sunny!" Violet shouted at him as those around her continued to shout their grievances.

"Where is Sunny?" Asked Mr. Poe from the crowd.

"Oh just hanging out." Olaf giggled at his own joke before grabbing the walkie-talkie. "Drop the baby."

"No!" Violet shouted.

At that moment Sunny walked into the room with the hook-handed man.

"What are you doing here idiot?" Olaf hissed at him.

"The baby is very good at poker." He said with a shrug.

"What? No it doesn’t matter if the baby survived I’m still married to Violet and soon her fortune will be mine." Olaf said.

"Begging your pardon," Violet said suddenly, "but I think you may be wrong."

"What did you say, Countess?" Olaf said. 

"I’m not your countess," Violet said testily. "At least, I don’t think I am."

"And why is that?" Count Olaf looked tired, sick of constantly having to fight the children. 

"I did not sign the document in my own hand, as the law states," Violet said. 

"What do you mean? We all saw you!" Count Olaf shouted.

"I’m afraid your husband is right, dear," Justice Strauss said sadly. "There’s no use denying it. There are too many witnesses." 

"Like most people," Violet said, "I am right-handed. But I signed the document with my left hand."

"So?" Olaf said.

"Therefore it is not my hand." Violet said.

"That doesn’t matter." Olaf countered.

"If you don’t mind, sir," Mr. Poe said, "I’d like Justice Strauss to make that decision." 

As Justice Strauss hemmed and hawed over the answer Klaus noticed a ghost near the stage muttering angrily. He quietly slid over and heard "it doesn’t even matter she signed it under duress." 

"What?" Klaus whispered.

The ghost looked at him in shock. "You can hear me?" He questioned before quickly continuing with, "that doesn’t matter, you repeat after me ‘kay?"

Klaus nodded.

"It shouldn’t matter because the little lady signed it under duress." He prompted.

Klaus repeated everything the ghost said about how everyone heard the fact that Sunny’s life was being threatened and that Violet’s signing should be disregarded due to this and although it was choppy and unsure Justice Strauss lit up at Klaus’ words.

"Oh Klaus you will be a great lawyer one day! He’s completely right." Justice Strauss said. "We all heard Count Olaf and Violet mention Sunny was in trouble so the document wouldn’t be binding as Violet was under duress. I call this marriage off."

The crowd cheered at that and Klaus whispered down a grateful thank you to the ghost at the edge of the stage. Olaf glared at Violet and Klaus.

"You may not be my wife," he said, "but you are still my daughter, and-"

"Do you honestly think," Mr. Poe said in an exasperated voice, "that I will allow you to continue to care for these three children, after the treachery I have seen here tonight?" 

"The orphans are mine," Count Olaf insisted, "and with me they shall stay. There is nothing illegal about trying to marry someone." 

"But there is something illegal about dangling an infant out of a tower window," Justice Strauss said indignantly.

At this the audience started to shout about arresting him but as the group started to descend upon Olaf the lights shut off. People started to panic and Violet had to grab Sunny so she would be trampled. Violet felt someone lean down over her in the darkness and whisper, "I’ll get my hands on your fortune if it’s the last thing I do and when I have it, I’ll kill you and your siblings with my own two hands."

The lights switched back on and Olaf was gone. As Mr. Poe shouted about calling the police Violet went to her brother and said, "good job back there."

"I had help." Klaus said a little cryptically.

"Well tell them thank you too." Violet replies.

"They say you’re welcome." Klaus said.

And the three siblings sat at the edge of the stage and watched as the police came and went. Mr. Poe came to collect them after a while and led them back to his car grumbling about how he will have to call and try and find a new guardian for the three.


	7. Uncle Monty's

Lousy Line did nothing if not live up to its name, running through gray fields and being in close proximity to a horseradish factory created drab scenery and a terrible smell for the entirety of the ride the Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were taking. And the Baudelaire orphans felt pretty lousy as they were driven along Lousy Lane, besides the sad landscape and the terrible smell the police had never managed to catch Olaf which left the three of them rather nervous. As well as the children were heading to a new home, one Dr. Montgomery Montgomery.

"Wait, his name is Montgomery Montgomery?" Klaus said, smiling after Poe told him. 

"Yes, and I'm sure he's very sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him," Mr. Poe said.

"We would never!" Klaus said in fake shock, still smiling.

Violet leaned over and smacked him on the shoulder and Klaus frowned at her. Mr. Poe remained oblivious to the siblings in the back and went on.

"Well Dr. Montgomery is your late father's cousin's wife's brother. I think that's right. He's a scientist of some sort." 

"Do you have any idea what sort of scientist he is." Violet asked, thinking of invention tables.

"No I have been much too busy trying to figure out what to do with you since Count Olaf didn’t work out." Mr. Poe said. 

Sunny thought it was kinda unfair to make it sound like it didn’t work out because of them, not because he had tried to marry her sister and dangled her out of a window. As the conversation dropped Mr. Poe turned onto a gravel driveway and the children saw a grand house surrounded by shrubbery shaped to look like snakes. 

Klaus leaned over to his sister and whispered, "I think he studies snakes."

"Oh really? An astute observation as always Klaus." Violet snarked back.

"Thank you, I try." Klaus smiled at his sister.

Mr. Poe pulled the car to a stop and gestured for the children to leave the car. As they started to walk Mr. Poe turned to the children and said, "now I know that your last guardian didn’t work out but hopefully this one will." He turned and kept walking.

"Now, Klaus, don't ask too many questions right away. Violet, what happened to the ribbon in your hair? I thought you looked very distinguished in it. And somebody please make sure Sunny doesn't bite Dr. Montgomery. That wouldn't be a good first impression." Mr. Poe was very obviously nervous, and still acting as though they are the reason they had to be removed from Count Olaf.

The Baudelaires stood by the door waiting for Mr. Poe to ring the bell and Mr. Poe stood by the door waiting for one of the children to ring the bell. Sunny saw that no one was going to ring the bell and reached over to do it herself. They could all hear footsteps approaching before the door swung open dramatically. 

"Hello! I am your Uncle Monty, and this is really perfect timing! I just finished making a coconut cream cake!" Called, presumably, Uncle Monty. 

He made a gesture to come in and they all filed into the home. Monty led all the guests into the kitchen where he passed out coconut cake to all the Baudelaires and received a polite no from Mr. Poe as he had to head back to the city. As he was leaving he told the Baudelaires that he would be back sometime in the week to bring their passports as they were not quite ready yet.

“Dr. Mon-” Klaus attempted after Poe had left.

“Please call me Uncle Monty.” Monty interrupted.

“Okay Uncle Monty. Why do we need our passports?” Klaus asked.

“Did Mr. Poe tell you what type of scientist I am?” Monty asked, at the head shakes no Monty began again. “Well I am a herpetologist. Do you know what that is.”

“You study snakes?” Klaus offered.

“Ah! You are smart children then. That’s good.” Uncle Monty complimented. “So you know about herpetology.”

“Well, no.” Klaus said. “-Ology means in the study of and all your shrubs are in the shape of snakes so I made an educated guess.”

“Well the smart point still stands. To answer your first question we will be going to Peru on an expedition in 10 days!” Uncle Monty said. “Gustav, my assistant, left an unexpected letter of resignation for me just yesterday. There's a man named Stephano whom I have hired to take his place, but he won't arrive for a week or so, so I am way behind on preparations for the expedition. Somebody has to make sure all the snake traps are working, so I don't hurt any of our specimens. Somebody has to read up on the terrain of Peru so we can navigate through the jungle without any trouble. And somebody has to slice an enormous length of rope into small, workable pieces.”

The children’s eyes lit up that.

"I'm interested in mechanics," Violet said, "so I would be happy to learn about snake traps."

"I find guidebooks fascinating," Klaus said, "so I would love to read up on Peruvian terrain." 

"Eojip!" Sunny shrieked which meant "I would be thrilled to bite an enormous length of rope into small, workable pieces!" Of course Monty couldn’t understand this so Violet translated.

“Wonderful.” Said Monty not questioning how a baby would bite rope into such small pieces. 

"I'm glad you have such enthusiasm. It will make it easier to do without Gustav. It was very strange, his leaving like that. I was unlucky to lose him." Monty’s expression was quite sad. Klaus’ eyes drifted over to the ghost who was standing by Monty. His expression was also quite sad and Klaus’ eyes locked with the ghost and the man’s expression morphed into one of confusion. “Are you dead?” Klaus mouthed, which is a stupid question to ask a ghost but the man understood what he really meant and nodded to indicate that he was in fact Gustav. “Oh no.” Klaus mouthed at him before he felt Violet kick him under the table and shoot Klaus a closed lipped smile. “Sorry.” Klaus mouthed apologetically which just earned him another kick. 

Monty noticed none of this instead focusing on Sunny who was not eating cake.

“Does she not like coconut?” Monty asked.

“No she just doesn’t like soft foods.” Violet said.

“Odd for a baby, but not for snakes!” Monty said. “Would she like some raw carrots?”

“Yes.” Sunny said. 

“One moment then.” And Monty left the dining area to go back to the kitchen.

“What Klaus?” Violet hissed.

“Gustav’s dead.” Klaus whispered back.

“What?” 

“Gustav’s dead.”

Monty then reentered and Violet adopted a neutral expression. Sunny made grabby hands at the carrots which Monty handed to her with a chuckle. 

“Fakoo.” Sunny said, which didn’t need translation because everyone understood the sentiment.

“Your welcome Sunny. Well if everyone is done I’ll show you the reptile room.” Monty said.

The three of them got up to follow and they were faced with the Reptile Room which was made entirely out of glass, with bright, clear glass walls and a high glass ceiling that rose up to a point like the inside of a cathedral. It was like being inside and outside at the same time. There were cages and cages of animals, not just snakes but also lizards and toads and tons of other types of reptiles. The Baudelaires stood frozen in the doorway looking at the room in amazement.

“Come along Bambini.” Monty called.

“Isn’t that a deer?” Violet asked.

“That’s Bambi. I think it’s Spanish.” Klaus said.

“Close it’s Italian. It means children” Monty said.

At the far end of the room was a large cage covered by curtains that Sunny pointed at.

“Ah Sunny,” Monty said. “That is my newest find, come along I’ll show you.”

Monty made his way over and with a flourish he pulled off the cover. Inside was a large black snake, as dark as a coal mine and as thick as a sewer pipe, looking right at the orphans with shiny green eyes. With the cloth off its cage, the snake began to uncoil itself and slither around its home.

"Because I discovered it," Uncle Monty said, "I got to name it." 

"What is it called?" Violet asked. 

"The Incredibly Deadly Viper.” Monty said.

The cage then sprung open and the Incredibly Deadly Viper broke loose and bit Sunny directly on the nose. Violet then proceeded to scream.

“What can we do, Uncle Monty!” Violet exclaimed.

Monty couldn’t answer as he was too busy laughing.

“This isn’t funny!” Violet said.

“Vi.” Klaus said. “She’s fine.”

“"It's a misnomer," Monty said. “It is a very wrong name. The Incredibly Deadly Viper is not at all dangerous or deadly, Sunny will be perfectly fine.” 

“So there are no dangerous snakes here?” Violet asked.

“Oh no there are, but they are locked up much more tightly. I promise you that no harm will come to you in the reptile room my dears.” Monty said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Genuinely seeing how much worst my work was even three weeks ago verse now is a little jarring. I have to do a lot of editing but I feel kinda proud of how much I've progressed. Also finally finished book 4.


	8. No one dies in this chapter, probably

Monty had to leave to run some errands a week into their stay and told the Baudelaires that his new assistant would be arriving sometime that afternoon, and if he came before Monty was back to just let him in. So as the afternoon progressed Violet worked on the snake traps, Klaus read about Peru, and Sunny bit the rope into smaller pieces. Sometime around lunch they heard the doorbell ring, the children knew it was most likely Monty’s new assistant. Violet was the one to open the door and froze at the sight. It wasn’t an assistant, it was Olaf with no eyebrows and a long beard. The four of them stared at each other for a few long moments before Klaus, who acted first, slammed the door shut.

“Violet lock the door!” Klaus shouted while pushing it shut as Olaf tried to get in.

After Violet had locked the door she turned to her brother, “now what?”

“Why are you asking me?” Klaus said.

“I don’t know! I’m just crowdsourcing.” Violet shot back.

“Lunch?” Sunny offered.

Violet and Klaus looked at their sister, considering it. “You absolute genius, let’s go have lunch.” Klaus said.

The three of them walked away from Olaf who was shouting in an odd accent to let him in. After a quick lunch Violet went back to the reptile room to try and figure out what to do about Olaf, leaving her siblings in the kitchen. Klaus with his thinking time decided to peel an orange. As he peeled it he tried to offer Sunny a portion to which she shook her head at.

“Sunny, you can’t just live off of raw carrots and rocks you find on the ground. You’re gonna get scurvy.” Klaus said.

At this Sunny conceded and ate a quarter of the orange. 

In the end Monty ended up having to unlock the door sometime later for ‘Stephano’ after getting back from his errands. At that point all three children had relocated to the reptile room, they had decided after a bit of deliberation to wait for Uncle Monty to get home and then inform him that Stephano wasn’t his new assistant but rather Count Olaf. At the sound of the door opening Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stopped what they were doing and went towards the door to listen in. Monty and Olaf had started talking outside so the Baudelaires only caught the middle of the conversation. 

"I didn't know what kind of toothbrush you preferred," Uncle Monty said apologetically, "so I got you one with extra-firm bristles because that's the kind I like. Peruvian food tends to be sticky, so you need to have at least one extra toothbrush whenever you go there."

"Extra-firm bristles are fine with me," Stephano said.

“Wonderful! Will you take these bags to the kitchen, I will go check on the children.” Monty said. “I had let them know that you were coming so I have no idea why they would lock you out.”

“Oh it’s fine.” Olaf said. “You know how children are.”

Monty went to the reptile room and found the children sitting, waiting for him.

“So I heard we had an issue with my new assistant.” Monty said.

“We need to talk to you about Stephano. He isn’t who he says he is.” Said Violet.

“Good, you noticed.” Monty said. “I had my suspicions about him.”

“You did?” Klaus said hopefully.

“Oh yes. I really am one of the most widely respected herpetologists in the world." Monty said, which left the children confused as it didn’t really have anything to do with the conversation. "And because of this, I'm sad to say, many people are jealous of me."

“Okay.” Violet said slowly.

"And when people are jealous," Uncle Monty said, shaking his head, "they will do anything. They will do crazy things.”

"I'm afraid I don't quite follow you," Klaus said.

"The man who is calling himself Stephano," Monty explained, "is really a member of the Herpetological Society, and he is here to try and find the Incredibly Deadly Viper and steal them and present it as his own. And there will be no way for me to prove him wrong as it is a brand new species.”

The Baudelaires all froze before Klaus said, “he is not a Herpetological Society Spy. He is Count Olaf.”

"I know just what you mean!" Uncle Monty said excitedly. "This sort of behavior is indeed as dastardly as that terrible man's. That is why I'm doing this."

Monty then proceeded to take out the tickets from his pocket and ripped up the ticket that was marked for Stephano. He then smiled at the children.

“Stephano will not be going to Peru with us tomorrow. Now I must go before he gets suspicious.” The conversation was over fast, so fast that the children couldn’t inform Monty he was wrong.

The Baudelaires were once again shocked and watched silently as Monty left the room, closing the door behind him.

“I wasn’t expecting that to be honest.” Said Violet.

“Well, I mean at least Olaf won't be coming I guess.” Klaus offered.

“I guess.” Violet agreed.

The rest of the evening passed awkwardly. With the Baudelaire children shooting glances at Monty and Olaf, and Monty sneaking looks at the children, and Olaf staring at Monty. After the dinner of Chinese food they all loaded into Monty’s car, the three children in the back and Olaf sitting in the passenger seat. The movie they were planning to see was called Zombies in the snow. Klaus and Violet didn’t really get the movie but uncle Monty seemed very excited. Sunny thought that it was actually very nuanced. 

After the movie they all were at the car when Monty realized that he had left his wallet at the popcorn stand. Leaving Olaf and the children to interact alone for the first time since he had arrived. 

“Oh children!” Stephano said in his terrible, fake accent. “I’m sorry we got off on the wrong foot.”

Violet was so tired of this act so she said, “we know it’s you Olaf.”

“Oh? Who’s this Olaf you speak of?” Stephano questioned. “He sounds very handsome.”

“We know it’s you, this disguise does nothing.” Klaus said. "You obviously haven't changed a bit." 

"You haven't changed, either," Olaf said. "It is clear to me, Violet, that you are as stubborn as ever. And Klaus, you are still wearing those idiotic glasses from reading too many books. And I see that little Sunny here still has nine toes instead of ten."

Sunny made a face as Violet said, “Sunny has ten toes like everyone else.” 

"Really?" Olaf said. "That's odd. I remember that she lost one of her toes in an accident. I seem to recall there was a man who was so confused by being called repeatedly by the wrong name that he accidentally dropped a knife on her little foot and severed one of her toes."

"You wouldn't dare," Klaus said. 

"Let's not discuss what I would or would not dare to do," Olaf said. "Let us discuss, rather, what I am to be called for as long as we are together.”

“I hardly see how that matters.” Klaus said. “We won't be together long.”

"Really?" Stephano said. "Why, I had the impression we were leaving the country tomorrow." 

"Uncle Monty tore up your ticket," Klaus replied triumphantly, ignoring Gustav who was facepalming to his left

"I wouldn't rely on that," Olaf said with a scowl. "Even the best plans can change if there's an accident. And accidents happen all the time.” 

Monty came back with his wallet, halting any conversation by the children and Olaf. They all pile into the car and drive back to the house. There was very little conversation, Monty kept trying to ask about the movie but no one responded. Before they all went to bed, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny said a quiet goodnight and then each went to their own rooms and shut the door.

Klaus isn’t exactly sure what woke him up in the middle of the night. The moon was high, illuminating the room in pale, blue light as he opened the door and creeped into the hallway. Every door was shut except Olaf’s, which was a black hole with no light shining through; it left an odd pit in his stomach. Klaus quietly climbed down the stairs, avoiding any creaks. As he walked towards the kitchen, having decided to get a glass of water, Klaus noticed the reptile room door was cracked open. He slid next to the door silently, the room was dark but he could see Olaf standing over a chair with something in his hand. It was odd looking, like a water gun with two sharp points coming off the end. The reptile room feels freezing, like if Klaus breathed out he would see condensation, it was odd the room was kept warm due to the cold blooded animals. Klaus saw Olaf lean back and turn to the door, the gun hanging loosely in his hand. Klaus quickly shifted behind the door to hide himself from Olaf’s sight. Olaf started towards it, to leave, and Klaus pushed up and hid in a dark corner of the ceiling, hoping the light, blue glow didn’t give him away. He was glad he did as Olaf checked behind the door before moving on. 

Once Olaf left, heading back up to the stairs and presumably his own room, Klaus crept into the reptile room. But once he opened the door he understood what had happened. Standing next to the chair was Monty, but it wasn’t actually Monty.

“Oh.” Klaus breathed.

The ghost’s head whipped around. “Oh Klaus,” Monty sounded sad. “You don’t need to see this.”

Klaus ignored him, and he almost wanted to feel bad but ghosts knew they were going to be ignored, it was part of the job description. It was odd, Klaus had seen dead bodies before in the form of ghosts, but never an actual body. Even as ghosts they were still so lively, but Monty’s body was still. His eyes were still open, with popped blood vessels and a slightly yellow tint. Monty’s skin was pale and waxy and his neck had two incision points, as if a snake had bitten it. There were dark purple veins coming from the incisions. Klaus reached out and checked his plus even though it was unnecessary, Monty was already dead, but it still felt right. 

Klaus thought distantly that he should feel a lot of things, anger over Olaf killing Monty, sadness over his uncle's death, fear over what will happen to him and his sisters. But mostly Klaus just felt disappointed. Now he knew it wasn’t Monty’s fault that he was dead, that blame falls on Olaf, but Klaus still couldn’t help it. 

He could still feel Monty’s ghost to the right of him, but acknowledging it seemed like a lot of effort so Klaus didn’t. With a soft sigh he reached over and closed his uncle’s eyes and left the room. It was barely morning at that point and the entrance was bathed in soft gold light. Klaus briefly paused at Violet’s door before deciding to get dressed and grab Sunny first; Violet deserved a few more moments of peace before it all came crashing down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure I ever mentioned this but I did steal Violet's powers from the Incredibles and Klaus' from the Umbrella Academy. Sunny's was just an expansion of her basically canon powers.


	9. A rough reunion

Violet felt like crying. Uncle Monty was dead and Klaus had found him. Violet remembered the promise she had made to her parents when Sunny was born. "You are the eldest Baudelaire child," her parents had said. "And as the eldest, it will always be your responsibility to look after your younger siblings. Promise us that you will always watch out for them and make sure they don't get into trouble." Letting her baby brother find a dead body made her feel like she had broken that promise, even though it wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t even looked at the body, Klaus had told her about the incision marks and how Olaf injected something into him during the night but she was still standing at the door of the reptile room.

"What a terrible accident has happened here. Snakebite. Whoever discovers this will be most upset." Said a voice behind them.

"You—" Violet began to say, but her voice caught. "You—" she tried again.

"Of course, after they discover that Dr. Montgomery is dead, they'll wonder what became of those repulsive orphans he had lying around the house. But they'll be long gone. Speaking of which, it's time to leave. The Prospero sails at five o'clock from Hazy Harbor and I'd like to be the first passenger aboard. That way I'll have time for a bottle of wine before lunch." Olaf said. 

“We’re not going with you.” Klaus said blankly, where Violet had been shaking with fury and grief Klaus still felt a little empty.

“Oh?” Olaf said dangerously. 

“I’m going to call the police.” Violet said, turning to leave the room. 

Olaf’s hand shot out and grabbed Violet’s arm. "I am so tired" he snarled, "of having to explain everything to you. You're supposed to be so very smart, but you have done very little to prove that.” He pulled a knife out of his jacket. "This is my knife. It is very sharp and very eager to hurt you, almost as eager as I am. If you don't do what I say, you will suffer bodily harm. Is that clear enough for you? Now, get in the damn jeep."

Violet’s face paled, and with a harsh swallow she nodded. Violet reached over and grabbed Sunny from Klaus who was just staring at Olaf with a blank face and grabbed his hand. She gave a slight pull but when he made no move to follow Violet whispered, “come on.” They all walked silently to the car, Olaf gestured with his knife for Klaus and Sunny to get in the back and for Violet to get in the front. She sat down only for Olaf to drop his heavy suitcase right on her lap. 

Violet tried to will the car to not start, but as Olaf turned the kay the engine sputtered to life. As he started to drive away Violet turned and looked at the hedges shaped as snakes and thought of how 10 days ago she had met Uncle Monty. Her eyes then drift to her siblings, Sunny had been unusually quiet since Klaus had walked into her room holding her this morning. And Klaus, well he was looking out the window with a blank look; Violet had seen that look a few times in her childhood, and it usually meant that he was going to be distant and quiet. It wasn’t a look she particularly liked. 

A horrible tearing sound of metal and glass broke Violet out of her thoughts as a black car hit the jeep. The black suitcase lurched into Violet's shoulder and then forward into the windshield, which immediately cracked in a dozen places so it looked like a spiderweb. Olaf gave a cry of surprise and turned the steering wheel back and forth, but the two vehicles were locked together and, with a thump, the cars veered off the road into a small pile of mud.

The other car door opened and a man coughing up a storm walked out.

“Poe.” Sunny said.

It was Mr. Poe exiting the car. The children ran out of the car before Olaf could stop them. Violet reached him first.

"Violet?" Mr. Poe asked. "Violet Baudelaire? Is that you?" 

"Yes, Mr. Poe," Violet said. "It's all of us, and we're so grateful you ran into us like this." 

"Well, I wouldn't say that," Mr. Poe said. "This was clearly the other driver's fault. You ran into me" 

"How dare you!" Olaf shouted, mad about the wrong thing. He recovers quickly though and turns to Poe, “I’m sorry, this whole thing is my fault. I'm so distressed by what has happened that I wasn't paying any attention to the rules of the road. I hope you're not hurt.”

“Oh no I’m fine.” Mr. Poe said. “What are you doing with the Baudelaires?

“He is-” Klaus tried to say.

“Hush Klaus, the adults are talking.” Mr. Poe said.

Violet wanted to laugh at the offended look on her brother’s face, but the overwhelming relief of seeing anything other than that empty look stopped her. 

"My name is Stephano," Olaf said, shaking Mr. Poe's hand. "I am, I mean I was, Dr. Montgomery's assistant."

“Was?” Poe questioned. 

“Oh it is a terrible accident. Dr. Montgomery is dead.” Olaf said with his ridiculous accent. 

"He's dead? That's terrible. What has happened?" Mr. Poe said. 

"I don't know," Stephano said. "It looks like a snake bite to me, but I don't know anything about snakes. That's why I was going into town, to get a doctor. The children seemed too upset to be left alone." 

"He's not taking us to get a doctor." Klaus said. "He's taking us to Peru.”

"You see what I mean?" Stephano said, patting Klaus' head. "The children are obviously very distressed. Dr. Montgomery was going to take them to Peru today."

"Yes, I know. I was bringing them their passports." Mr. Poe said. “Klaus, I know you're confused and upset over this accident, but please try to understand that if Dr. Montgomery is really dead, the expedition is canceled." 

"But Mr. Poe—" Klaus said indignantly.

"Please," Mr. Poe said. "This is a matter for adults to discuss, Klaus. Clearly, a doctor needs to be called."

This time Violet almost wasn’t able to hold back her snort over Klaus’ face. Sunny wasn’t even trying muffling her giggles into Violet’s shirt, it looked a lot like she was crying so no one took notice. 

"Well, why don't you drive on up to the house," Olaf said, "and I'll take the children and find a doctor."

“No!” Violet said.

"Why don't we all go to the house," Mr. Poe said, "and call for a doctor?"

“Okay.” Olaf said reluctantly. 

“I think my ignition is out.” Mr. Poe said.

“Oh that’s fine,” said Olaf. “I’ll ride with the children and you can walk behind.”

“No.” The Baudelaires said at the same time. 

Mr. Poe frowned at that before he said, “Well you can drive ahead and I’ll walk with the children.” 

"Well, one of the children should ride with me, so I won't get lost." Olaf said.

Mr. Poe smiled. "But you can see the house from here. You won't get lost."

"Stephano doesn't want us to be alone with you," Violet said, finally speaking up. “He’s worried that we will tell you who he is because he is not Stephano. He's Count Olaf, and he's here to take us away." 

"Who am I?" Stephano asked. "What am I doing?" 

Mr. Poe looked Olaf up and down before frowning. "Forgive the children," he said. "They are very upset. Count Olaf is a terrible man who tried to steal their money, and the youngsters are very frightened of him." 

"Do I look like this Count Olaf?" Stephano asked, his eyes shining. 

"No, you don't," Mr. Poe said. "Count Olaf had one long eyebrow, and a clean-shaven face. You have a beard, and if you don't mind my saying so, no eyebrows at all." 

"He shaved his eyebrow," Violet said, "and grew a beard. Anyone can see that."

“And he has the tattoo on his ankle.” Klaus pointed out, still pouting. 

Mr. Poe sighed and said, "I'm sorry to ask you this, but the children seem so upset, and before we discuss anything further I'd like to set their minds at ease. Would you mind showing me your ankle?" 

"I'd be happy to," Stephano said, giving the children a toothy smile. "Right or left?" 

Klaus closed his eyes and thought for a second. "Left," he said.

He raised his root onto the bumper of the jeep and rolled his pants leg up. And right where the tattoo should have been there was pale skin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapters as I go have been getting longer and longer. This one feels so short compared to my current one lol.


	10. A no good, very bad end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just started book 6, one of my favorites, and the last chapter was short and so's this one so I decided to post it early.

It took very little time for the police to arrive. Of course the children recognized that the cop was the hook-handed man and the nurse that arrived was the person of an ambiguous gender, but Mr. Poe remained none the wiser. Klaus, who was already put out by being blocked from the conversation about four times, was pouting in the corner. And Violet was sitting next to him with her hair tied back trying to think of what to do.

“I am an eyewitness and no one is taking my statement.” Klaus complained.

“It’s a sham anyway.” Violet comforted. “The cop and nurse are Olaf’s henchpeople. They won't arrest him.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Klaus said. 

“No.” Violet said. “I don’t know how to convince Mr. Poe we’re right.”

“Find the murder weapon dummies.” Sunny said. 

Klaus and Violet looked at Sunny who had a rock in her mouth, then at each other.

“What would we do without you sunshine.” Violet said. “Klaus where would Ol- Stephano put it.” 

“Maybe his room? Or that suitcase.” Klaus offered. 

“Okay. So here’s what I’m thinking.” Violet said. “You stall if it comes to that I will go through O- Stephano’s room and maybe his bag. Tell me what I’m looking for.”

“Okay so it was sorta like a um, so it had two prongs and and it had a thing to put something in it, and uh, there was like a, like a handle.” Klaus thought but it was hard to picture.

“Really?” Violet was unimpressed with her brother’s description.

“Hey! It was dark and like half a room away.” Klaus said.

Violet put up her hand placatingly. “Okay I'll go look for a two pronged device with a cartridge and a handle. Be back soon.” 

Violet ran up the stairs and Klaus and Sunny were left to wait to be needed. The adults were currently arguing about how they should bring Monty’s body into town. They continued to fight over who would take who and in what car, like it was a brain teaser in the back of a magazine, and Klaus kept popping in to refute any of Olaf’s attempts to get the children alone. While he was doing that Violet was rummaging through Olaf’s room, which was one of the grossest places she’s ever seen. The bed was unmade and had cracker crumbs and bits of hair all over it. Discarded newspapers and mail-order catalogs lay on the floor in untidy piles. On top of the dresser was a small assortment of half-empty wine bottles. Overall exactly what she had expected. 

She quickly dug around the room, opening drawers and looking under the bed and in the closet. Although Violet had turned herself invisibility she was still nervous about someone coming in. However as she searched nothing useful came up, meaning that it was most likely in the suitcase. Violet quickly went down the stairs, stopping at the kitchen with Klaus to listen to what they were saying. 

"No, no, no," Mr. Poe was saying. "Dr. Montgomery can't drive. He's dead. There must be a way to do this."

Violet raised her eyebrows at her brother even though he couldn’t see her before moving away from the door to find the suitcase in the jeep. 

As she did that Klaus heard the adults move towards the door. Grabbing Sunny, Klaus scrambled into the reptile room. Mr. Poe entered, then looked around the room, pausing when he didn’t see Violet.

“Klaus where is your sister?” Mr. Poe asked.

“Bathroom.” Klaus lied quickly.

"I hope you are feeling a bit calmer," Mr. Poe said, "and no longer entertaining the thought that Stephano is Count Olaf."

“Even if he’s not Count Olaf,” Klaus said, “I do still think that he killed Uncle Monty.”

"Nonsense!" Mr. Poe exclaimed. "Uncle Monty's death was a terrible accident, and nothing more." 

Klaus looked down to Sunny and thought “should I just tell them?” Sunny pondered for a moment before replying, “why not?”

“I literally saw him kill Uncle Monty.” Klaus said.

You could hear a pin drop at that moment, Olaf looked like there was about to be a second dead body. “What?” Mr. Poe asked.

“I saw Stephano kill Uncle Monty.” Klaus repeated.

“Well why did you say anything?” Mr. Poe asked.

“I tried to, everyone just kept saying the adults were talking.” Klaus was pouting again.

“Well you should have told us anyway but never mind. What did you see?” Mr. Poe said.

“Well, I woke up at about 4am maybe? And I went down the stairs for a glass of water from the kitchen but I noticed that the door to the reptile room was opened and the door isn’t supposed to be open because the reptiles might escape. So I walked over and I saw Stephano standing of a chair and I could really see if anyone was in the chair but he was pulling out this syringe type thingy that had two prongs so I thought that was weird but then he turned towards the door so I hid behind it as he passed then once I saw he went up stairs I walked in and it was Monty in the chair. And he was so pale and his eyes were bloodshot and there were two big incision points. So I went and woke up Violet but once we got down there Stephano made us get in the jeep then we crashed into you, Mr. Poe and I think you know what happened from there.” Klaus rambled refusing to let anyone cut in.

“You were not behind the door! I checked.” Olaf said angrily.

“You’re right I wasn’t. But how would you know that if you weren’t in the room.” Klaus said with a self satisfied smirk.

Mr. Poe turned on Olaf and said, “how did you know, Stephano?”

Olaf looked backed into a corner, and to pile onto his misery Violet walked into the room holding his open suitcase. 

"What is all this?" Mr. Poe said, “I thought you were in the bathroom Violet?”

"This," Violet said, "is evidence, which I found in Stephano's suitcase." 

"My suitcase," Olaf said, "is private property, which you are not allowed to touch. It's very rude of you, and besides, it was locked." 

"It was an emergency," Violet said calmly, "so I picked the lock." 

"How did you do that?" Mr. Poe asked. "Nice girls shouldn't know how to do such things." 

"My sister is a nice girl," Klaus said, "and she knows how to do all sorts of things."

“And in the suitcase I found this,” Violet said, ignoring the conversation that her brother and Mr. Poe were having. 

“That looks like trash.” Mr. Poe said.

“Yes, trash that can be made into a dual-pronged syringe.” Violet said, then proceeded to build said dual-pronged syringe. 

“But I don’t understand why Stephano would kill Dr. Montgomery?” Mr. Poe said.

“Because he is not Stephano. He is Count Olaf and he is after my fortune.” Violet said. "He may have shaved his head, and trimmed off his eyebrows, but the only way he could get rid of the tattoo on his left ankle was with this powder puff and hand mirror. There's makeup all over his left ankle, to hide the eye, and I'll bet if we rub it with a cloth we can see the tattoo." 

"That's absurd!" Stephano cried. 

"We'll see about that," Mr. Poe replied. "Now, who has a cloth?" 

At the room’s no’s Mr. Poe took out his handkerchief. 

"Your left ankle, please," he said sternly to Stephano. 

"But you've been coughing into that all day!" Olaf said. "It has germs!" 

"If you are really who the children say you are," Mr. Poe said, "then germs are the least of your problems. Your left ankle, please."

Olaf reluctantly gave Poe his left ankle and grimaced when he started to rub at his ankle. And slowly but surely the eye peaked through.

“You are Count Olaf!” Mr. Poe shouted. “Officer arrest this man!”

Startling at being called upon the hook-handed man said, “Ah, of course. Let’s go.”

“No! Wait!” Violet called but at that point it was too late, both the nurse and the officer had ran out. “Those are Count Olaf’s henchmen.”

“Ah, well. We will call the police and they will catch them.” Mr. Poe considered for a moment. “The actual police that is.” 

And Mr. Poe walked out of the room to start making calls. The Baudelaire children took one last look around the reptile room knowing that they would probably never see it again. And with a great sigh Violet said, “come on let’s go pack.” And like that the children’s time at Uncle Monty’s home came to a horrible, terrible, no good finish.


	11. Aunt Joesphine's

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were sitting on Damocles Dock which itself sat over Lake Lachrymose; the three Baudelaires had just arrived at the lakeside town with Mr. Poe who was taking them to their next guardian, one Josephine Anwhistle. And as the children sat, waiting for Mr. Poe to be ready, they looked at the town that was closeby. They could see that off the dock the ground was a gray cobblestone, which was shiny and smooth from being so close to the lake edge. There were many closed shops, with boarded over windows and doors; in fact there were only a few open places that the Baudelaires could see, like a grocery store and a sad looking restaurant. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were brought out of their thoughts by Mr. Poe turned to them holding a brown paper sack filled with something. 

"Look what I have for you," Mr. Poe said, "Peppermints!" 

“Oh!” Violet sounded pained. “That’s definitely not something we are allergic to. Thanks.”

"You can eat them on your cab ride to Mrs. Anwhistle's house," Mr. Poe said, not noticing Violet’s words. "She apologizes for not meeting you at the dock, but she says she's frightened of it." 

“She’s scared of the dock?” Klaus said dubiously. 

"She's frightened of anything to do with Lake Lachrymose," Mr. Poe said, "but she didn't say why. Perhaps it has to do with her husband's death. Your Aunt Josephine, she's not really your aunt, of course; she's your second cousin's sister-in-law, but asked that you call her Aunt Josephine, your Aunt Josephine lost her husband recently, and it may be possible that he drowned or died in a boat accident. It didn't seem polite to ask how she became a dowager. Well, let's put you in a taxi."

"What does that word mean?" Violet asked

"I'm surprised at you, Violet," Mr. Poe said. "A girl of your age should know that a taxi is a car which will drive you someplace for a fee. Now, let's gather your luggage and walk to the curb." 

"Dowager," Klaus whispered to Violet, "is a fancy word for widow."

“Thanks.” Violet whispered back. 

"I will say goodbye to you here," Mr. Poe said. "The banking day has already begun, and I'm afraid if I go with you out to Aunt Josephine's I will never get anything done. Please give her my best wishes, and tell her that I will keep in touch regularly."

“Wait you’re not coming?” Violet asked, nervous about having to go to Josephine’s by themselves.

"Now, your Aunt Josephine is a bit nervous about having three children in her house, but I assured her that you three were very well behaved. Make sure you mind your manners, and, as always, you can call or fax me at the bank if there's any sort of problem. Although I don't imagine anything will go wrong this time." Mr. Poe said, ignoring Violet’s question.

Klaus felt rather bitter over Mr. Poe once again implying that the premature ending of their last home was their fault, especially because the last one ended in a body. But still as Mr. Poe got on the ferry Klaus said goodbye with his sisters, the Baudelaire parents raised polite children if nothing else. The children then moved towards the street to call a taxi. 

“Hello.” Violet said to the driver. “We need to get to Josephine Anwhistle please.”

“Alright, that’s just at the top of the hill.” The driver said. “You can put your luggage in the trunk.”

“Thank you.” Violet said.

"The town doesn't seem very crowded," Klaus said, trying to make small talk. "I was hoping we might make some new friends here." 

"It's the off-season," the cab driver said. "The town of Lake Lachrymose is a resort, and when the nice weather comes it's as crowded as can be. But around now, things here are as dead as the mice my cat keeps dragging in. To make new friends, you'll have to wait until the weather gets a little better. Speaking of which, Hurricane Herman is expected to arrive in town in a week or so. You better make sure you have enough food up there in the house."

"A hurricane on a lake?" Klaus asked. "I thought hurricanes only occurred near the ocean." 

"A body of water as big as Lake Lachrymose ," the driver said, "can have anything occur on it. To tell you the truth, I'd be a little nervous about living on top of this hill. Once the storm hits, it'll be very difficult to drive all the way down into town."

The road they were driving up was tiny, only one car could fit on it and Klaus who was sitting behind the driver felt a little nauseous looking down at the lake. All of the curves didn’t help either. 

"The lake is so enormous," Klaus said, "and it looks so deep. I can almost understand why Aunt Josephine is afraid of it." Sunny reached over and patted his hand, he looked a little green.

"Josephine Anwhistle is afraid of the lake?" The driver asked.

"That's what we've been told," Violet said. 

"I don't know how she can stand it, then." He said.

“Stand what?” Violet asked. 

The road then took a turn which allowed the children to see the house for the first time. The house was made of dark wood and only the very front of it was actually on the edge of the cliff, the rest was hanging off the side and being held up by dozens of rods jutting from the bottom and sides of the home that all connected to the side of the cliff. The house seemed almost to sway a little as the wind blew against it, something which just made Klaus’ nausea worse. 

“Not sure how I’m going to stand it either.” Klaus mumbled.

Once they came to a stop at the top of the hill Violet reached over and handed the driver the money.

“Tip?” He asked.

“Never mix bleach and vinegar, it’ll make chlorine gas.” Klaus said.

“That’s a good tip, thanks kid.” the taxi driver said.

The children went around to the back of the car and pulled their bags out. Violet went to ring the doorbell once the bags had been dragged over, but before she could the door swung open. The woman who the children assumed was Josephine stood in the entrance way. She had a kind smile, but the nervousness in her eyes made it look pained. 

“Please don’t use the doorbell, I’m afraid of electricity. Oh! But also don’t knock on the door.” She said. “It could explode, or worse you could get a splinter. But please come in.”

She moved to the side so the Baudelaire’s could enter before gently pushing the door shut. Aunt Josephine gave the children a tour of the house which was larger than it had looked driving up.

“This is the radiator, please don’t touch it. I never turn it on because I am afraid it will burst into flames. Same with the oven.” Josephine said. 

Klaus and Violet were shooting each other looks of disbelief. Sunny was trying to hold herself back from pushing into their aunt’s head just to see what was going on in there. 

"This is the telephone," Aunt Josephine said. "It should only be used in emergencies, because there is a danger of electrocution." 

"Actually," Klaus said, "I've read quite a bit about electricity. I'm pretty sure that the telephone is perfectly safe." 

"You can't believe everything you read," she pointed out. 

“I guess.” Klaus felt like he was being pranked. 

"I've built a telephone from scratch," Violet said, ignoring her brother’s expression. "If you'd like, I could take the telephone apart and show you how it works. That might make you feel better." 

"I don't think so," Aunt Josephine said.

“Ferson.” Sunny said, which meant “this cannot be a real person who functions in society”.

“Ferson?” Josephine sounded a little scandalized. 

“I don’t think she does to be fair.” Klaus thought at Sunny.

"What do you mean by ‘ferson’? I consider myself an expert on the English language, and I have no idea what the word ‘ferson’ means. Is she speaking some other language?" 

"Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet, I'm afraid," Klaus said, only kinda lying. "Just baby talk, mostly." 

Sunny makes an affronted noise at this but doesn’t object. She really didn’t talk yet, besides occasional words. But for the most part she could project full ideas into her siblings head without much issue of understanding.

"Well, I will have to teach her proper English," Aunt Josephine said stiffly. "I'm sure you all need some brushing up on your grammar, actually. Grammar is the greatest joy in life, don't you find?" 

"Yes," Violet said, completely lying. "We've always loved grammar." 

Aunt Josephine nodded, and gave the Baudelaires a small smile. "Well, I'll show you to your room and continue the rest of the tour after dinner. When you open this door, just push on the wood here. Never use the doorknob. I'm always afraid that it will shatter into a million pieces and that one of them will hit my eye." 

Klaus shot an ‘are you kidding me’ look at Violet and followed Josephine. The room was nice, with two twin sized beds for Violet and Klaus and a crib for Sunny. There were three large trunks for their things and on top of each trunk was a small object. They looked like a doll, a small car, and a rattle. And in the corner there was a pile of tin cans.

“The tin cans are for robbers.” Josephine said as though that was an explanation.

“Oh?” Violet said.

"I'm sorry that all three of you have to share a room," Aunt Josephine said, "but this house isn't very big. I tried to provide you with everything you would need, and I do hope you will be comfortable." 

"I'm sure we will. Thank you very much, Aunt Josephine." Violet said.

“I left a present on each of your trunks. Violet I got you a doll. And Klaus that toy car is for you. And for Sunny I got a rattle.” Aunt Josephine gave them a little smile.

“Thank you very much. That was very kind of you to get us all these things.” Violet held in that none of them were particularly interested in any of the objects. 

"Well, I am very happy to have you here," Aunt Josephine said. "I love grammar so much. I'm excited to be able to share my love of grammar with three nice children like yourselves. Well, I'll give you a few minutes to settle in and then we'll have some dinner. See you soon." 

“Wow.” Klaus said once she left.

“Be nice.” Violet said.

“I’m being nice. Have I been anything other than nice.” Klaus held up his hands.

“Don’t think I don’t know you and Sunny have been gossiping.” Violet opened her chest and started putting clothing in it.

“Me and Sunny? Gossip? Never!” Klaus said, sounding affronted.

Violet ignored him and picked up the doll. “Here Sunny, the plastic looks hard enough for you to chew.” Violet placed the doll in the crib. 

“Violet you can have the car and, I don’t know, take it apart and put it back together I guess.” Klaus said, handing the car to her.

“But that leaves you with the rattle. That doesn’t seem fair.” Violet protested.

"It's been a long time since anything in our lives has felt fair." Sunny said.

The children were quiet for a moment, considering everything that had happened to them recently. 

"Aunt Josephine obviously worked very hard to prepare this room for us," Violet said sadly. "She seems to be a good hearted person. We shouldn't complain, even to ourselves." 

“You’re right we shouldn’t complain.” Klaus agreed.

Sunny also made her agreement clear. Klaus then walked towards the window and looked down at the lake. 

“I want to complain anyway.” Klaus said. 

"Soup's on!" Aunt Josephine called from the kitchen. "Please come to dinner!" 

Violet put her hand on Klaus' shoulder and gave it a little squeeze of comfort, and without another word the three Baudelaires headed back down the hallway and into the dining room. Josephine had laid out four bowls on the table. 

"Normally, of course," Aunt Josephine said, "'soup's on' is an idiomatic expression that has nothing to do with soup. It simply means that dinner is ready. In this case, however, I've actually made soup." 

"Oh good," Violet said. "There's nothing like hot soup on a chilly evening." 

"Actually, it's not hot soup," Aunt Josephine said, reminding the children that she is afraid that the stove will burst into flames.


	12. Oh Captain, My Captain

Dinner was, food, kind of. Josephine had served chilled cucumber soup, something the Baudelaires were valiantly trying to finish. None of the children were in the mood to talk so they sat there quietly eating their cold soup, leaving Josephine to be the one who broke the silence.

"My dear husband and I never had children," she said, "because we were afraid to. But I do want you to know that I'm very happy that you're here. I am often very lonely up on this hill by myself, and when Mr. Poe wrote to me about your troubles. I didn't want you to be as lonely as I was when I lost my dear Ike." 

"Was Ike your husband?" Violet asked to be polite.

"Yes," Josephine said, in a faraway voice, "he was my husband, but he was much more than that. He was my best friend and my partner in grammar. When he died I felt like I'd lost the two most special things in my life." 

“Two?” Klaus asked.

"I lost Ike," Aunt Josephine said, "and I lost Lake Lachrymose . I mean, I didn't really lose it, of course. It's still down in the valley. But I grew up on its shores. I used to swim in it every day. I knew which beaches were sandy and which were rocky. I knew all the islands in the middle of its waters and all the caves alongside its shore. Lake Lachrymose felt like a friend to me. But when it took poor Ike away from me I was too afraid to go near it anymore. I stopped swimming in it. I never went to the beach again. I even put away all my books about it. The only way I can bear to look at it is from the Wide Window in the library." 

"Library?" Klaus asked, brightly. "You have a library?" 

Violet kicked him under the table.

"Of course," Aunt Josephine said. "Where else could I keep all my books on grammar? If you've all finished with your soup, I'll show you the library."

The children were more than willing to be done with their soup and stood to follow Josephine to the library. The room was an oval shape with one side having shelves of books and the other being a series of windows which overlooked the lake. 

"This is the only way I can stand to look at the lake," Aunt Josephine said in a quiet voice. "From far away. If I get much closer I remember my last picnic on the beach with my darling Ike. I warned him to wait an hour after eating before he went into the lake, but he only waited forty five minutes. He thought that was enough." 

"Did he get cramps?" Violet asked. "That's what's supposed to happen if you don't wait an hour before you swim." 

"That's one reason," Aunt Josephine said, "but in Lake Lachrymose , there's another one. If you don't wait an hour after eating, the Lachrymose Leeches will smell food on you, and attack." 

“Oh that’s terrible.” Violet said sympathetically

"The Lachrymose Leeches," Aunt Josephine said, "are quite different from regular leeches. They each have six rows of very sharp teeth, and one very sharp nose-they can smell even the smallest bit of food from far, far away. The Lachrymose Leeches are usually quite harmless, preying only on small fish. But if they smell food on a human they will swarm around him and-and . . ." Josephine was starting to cry at this point. "I apologize, children. It is not grammatically correct to end a sentence with the word 'and', but I get so upset when I think about Ike that I cannot talk about his death."

"We're sorry we brought it up," Klaus said quickly. "We didn't mean to upset you." 

"That's all right," Aunt Josephine said. "It's just that I prefer to think of Ike in other ways. Ike always loved the sunshine, and I like to imagine that wherever he is now, it's as sunny as can be. Of course, nobody knows what happens to you after you die, but it's nice to think of my husband someplace very, very hot, don't you think?"

Violet and Sunny were throwing significant looks at Klaus, and Klaus was looking at one of the large chairs facing the window. He considered how cold the room was, and how gray and dreary the weather outside was, then decided that just agreeing with Aunt Josephine would be best. 

“I'm sure he’s somewhere nice.” Klaus said. 

He wasn’t, Ike was in the chair, but that was besides the point because Josephine seemed to lighten at Klaus’ words. 

“You know you could move if this place makes you miserable. We would go with you.” Violet said.

"Oh, I could never sell this house," Aunt Josephine said. "I'm terrified of realtors." 

Klaus whipped his head around and mouthed at Sunny “oh my god”. 

The next morning all of them were in town, Violet had convinced Aunt Josephine that because Hurricane Herman was coming they needed to go and buy groceries to ride it out. Violet and Klaus were almost regretting it as she dragged them to look at limes and cucumbers for more cold soups, and nothing they had said convinced her otherwise. Violet was walking down the aisle that actually required the stove, a decision which didn’t actually help her feel better. Then Violet proceeded to walk right into someone.

“Oh sor-” She froze. Had she been the type to Violet might have actually swore, but instead she just wished that they had stayed home where Violet was far less likely to walk directly into Count Olaf. Specifically a Count Olaf who looked ridiculous. He looked more or less the same as he did when they lived with him, but there was a pipe in his mouth and Count Olaf was wearing a long jacket rather than an ugly suit. And also he was missing a leg.

"Violet, what are you doing in this aisle?" Aunt Josephine said, walking up behind her. "This aisle contains food that needs to be heated, and you know-"

Violet really wanted to swear. Josephine looked smitten and it was disgusting. 

"Hello," Count Olaf said, smiling at Aunt Josephine. "I was just apologizing for running into your sister here." 

"Oh, no," she said, blush obvious on her face. "Violet is not my sister, sir. I am her legal guardian." 

"I cannot believe it," he said. "Madam, you don't look nearly old enough to be anyone's guardian." 

"Well, sir, I have lived by the lake my whole life, and some people have told me that it keeps me looking youthful." Josephine said.

"I would be happy to have the acquaintance of a local personage," Count Olaf said. "I am new to this town, and beginning a new business, so I am eager to make new acquaintances. Allow me to introduce myself."

“I’m happy to introduce him.” Violet said recovering from her disgust at seeing Count Olaf flirt. “That’s-”

"No, no, Violet," Aunt Josephine interrupted. "Watch your grammar. You should have said 'I will be happy to introduce you,' because you haven't introduced us yet." 

"But-" Violet started to say. 

"Now, Veronica," Count Olaf said. "Your guardian is right. And before you make any other mistakes, allow me to introduce myself. My name is Captain Sham, and I have a new business renting sailboats out on Damocles Dock. I am happy to make your acquaintance, Miss-?" 

“Josephine Anwhisle.” She said. 

"He's not Captain Sham," Violet said impatiently. "He's Count Olaf."

"Mr. Poe told me to be on the watch for Count Olaf," Josephine said, "but he did also say that you children tended to see him everywhere." 

“We were literally right about Count Olaf last time.” Violet said in disbelief. “And he has one eyebrow.”

“Well many people have one eyebrow.” Josephine said. “My mother-in-law only had one eyebrow as well. Are you saying she was Count Olaf.”

“No, but-” Violet said.

“Besides this Count Olaf is supposed to have a tattoo on his left ankle and Captain Sham doesn’t even have a left leg. And I highly doubt that Count Olaf would cut off his leg.” Josephine interrupted.

“I actually lost my left leg to the Lachrymose Leeches." Olaf lied. 

“Tell us, Captain Sham. Tell us how it happened." Josephine said, sympathy filling her eyes. 

"Well, I was sitting on my boat, just a few weeks ago," Olaf said. "I was eating some pasta with puttanesca sauce, and I spilled some on my leg. Before I knew it, the leeches were attacking." 

"That's just how it happened with my husband," Aunt Josephine said.

Klaus walked down the aisle while holding Sunny at that moment and froze at the sight of Olaf, Josephine, and Violet. “Did Mr. Poe fax you our location or something? Seriously, how did you get here so fast?” Klaus asked. 

“Oh I’m sorry little boy I don’t think we have ever met.” Olaf said.

“You’re Count Olaf, we’ve met before.” Klaus said.

“See!” Violet said. “Even Klaus sees its Olaf.” 

“Oh Violet, you’re using the wrong it’s.” Josephine said

“How-” Violet starts.

“I am Captain Sham.” Olaf said to Klaus.

“Really? Captain Sham?” Klaus said. “At least ‘Stephano’ wasn’t ‘Assistant Lying To You’.”

“Who is this Stephano you speak of?” Olaf asked.

“It’s-” Klaus said.

“Children,” Josephine butted in. “Go get more limes. We need more limes.”

“We have 5 limes.” Violet said, gesturing to the 5 limes in the basket.

“We need more.” Josephine shoved the basket into Violet’s arms and shooed them away. 

Once they were about an aisle away Klaus turned to Violet and said, “I cannot believe.”

“What are we going to do about Olaf?”

“I don’t know. Judy, you got any ideas?” Klaus turned to a woman who had died a few years earlier who was standing next to him.

“Well I stabbed my first husband.” Judy offered.

“Violet’s not going for that.” Klaus said.

“You never know, I’m at the end of my rope.” Violet said.

“She stabbed her first husband.” Klaus repeated.

“Yeah, no.” Violet said.

“See.” Klaus said to Judy.

“He slept with my sister.” Judy said.

“Not your sister!” Klaus exclaimed.

“Klaus!” Violet said. “What are we going to do?”

“Poe.” Sunny said.

They turned to Sunny at that, considering.

“Mr. Poe has seen Olaf before, maybe he would recognize him?” Violet said.

“He didn’t recognize ‘Stephano’.” Klaus said.

“Yes, but Olaf has the one eyebrow.” 

“But no tattoo.”

“I mean it wouldn’t hurt to call anyway.” Violet said.

“Except Josephine won't let us use the phone.” Klaus rebutted. 

Josephine came back in that moment holding a business card. “Oh that captain Sham.” She sounded lovesick and it was making the children feel sick. “Very kind, even if he made a terrible grammar mistake. You see here his card says 'it's,' with an apostrophe. I-T-apostrophe-S always means 'it is.' He didn’t mean to say 'Every boat has it is own sail.' He meant simply I-T-S, 'belonging to it.' It's a very common mistake but a dreadful one. I hope to see him again.”

Josephine then proceeded to pay for the things in the basket and walk home without giving the children a chance to reply. Every time one of them tried she’d sigh dreamily and by the time they got home the Baudelaires knew that Josephine had fallen for Olaf hook, line, and sinker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about any mistakes I wrote like 6,000 words today and my head is killing me. Almost done with book 6 though!


	13. Larry Your Waiter

The Baudelaire children had been sent to their room after Olaf had called the home, they weren’t even sure how he knew the home phone number. Violet and Klaus hadn’t even been able to call Mr. Poe, Josephine had blocked them from using the phone until Olaf had called the first time. After that she took the next phone call herself and banished the kids from the kitchen. So Klaus and Sunny were definitely not gossiping while Violet tried to think of what to do. She was at trying to create a polygraph even though they are incredibly unreliable when a great crash sounded through the house. 

“Oh that sounded good.” Klaus said.

“We should check it out.” Violet said.

The three children left their room and went to the kitchen first, to see if maybe Josephine had dropped some glasses or something.

“Aunt Josephine?” Violet called

There was no response so they moved to check the library, and when they opened the door a giant hole in the window greeted them. The room was in chaos, but pinned to the table was a note that hadn’t been blown away. 

“Violet, Klaus, and Sunny -  
By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end. My heart is as cold as ike and I find life inbearable. I know your children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what would have leaded me to this desperate akt, but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing.   
-Your Aunt Josephine”

“She killed herself?” Klaus said shocked. “God, what’d Olaf say to her.”

“Klaus!” Violet yelled. “What are we supposed to do?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Klaus said.

“I don’t know? She killed herself and you're our resident expert on death.” Violet said.

“People who kill themselves usually stick around, at least for a bit.” Klaus said. “Wait.”

“Klaus?” Violet questioned.

“Ike!” Klaus shouted.

“What are you doing?” Violet said.

“Looking for Ike. He has been here the entire time.” Klaus said.

“Well maybe they… passed on together.” Violet said.

“Maybe? But maybe something else happened.” Klaus sounded unsure.

“What do you mean.” Violet said.

Klaus hesitated for a few moments before saying, “it doesn’t feel like anyone died in here.”

“Places feel like people died in them?” Violet sounded a little shocked.

“Kinda, usually they are colder. And make my teeth feel kinda funny. And my fingertips buzz.” Klaus was grimacing. 

“Your fingertips buzz?”

“It’s hard to explain alright.”

“Maybe it’s because she didn’t die here.” Sunny offered.

“What?” Klaus asked.

“She’s right Aunt Josephine wouldn’t have died from breaking through the glass. She would have died from hitting the water or rocks.” Violet said.

“I-” Klaus started a few times. “I don’t know how to explain it.” 

“Klaus.” Violet said softly.

“Okay.” Klaus said. “It’s like places have weight, right? Like when someone dies, places that they spent a lot of time in or were important to their lives depending on a lot of things will have a weight. Like when someone died recently in a place I feel the cold and fingertip things but somewhere where someone is supposed to be is heavier too. Like how Uncle Monty’s house had weight even though Gustav didn’t die there because he was supposed to be there, and it wasn’t until Uncle Monty died that the place felt weird.”

“So you don’t feel this weight.” Violet asked.

“No! Because there was the weight from Ike. But-” Klaus dropped into a squat and pushed his head into his knees. “I can’t tell if she died or not.”

Violet gently rubbed Klaus’ back and Sunny pat his head. “Okay.” Violet said. “I believe you but we still need to do something, probably calling Mr. Poe.” 

Klaus let out a huge sigh and said, “okay.”

“Come on.” Violet said, using her free arm to pull Klaus out of the room. Klaus sat down on a kitchen chair and Violet put Sunny in his lap. She then went back into the room to grab the note and shut the door. The call with Mr. Poe was awkward, having to explain that a guardian killed herself after less than a week housing them was hard. The call eventually ended and Poe said he would be there tomorrow as the ferry only went twice a day and he wouldn’t make it to the next one.

“You didn’t mention the note.” Sunny said.

“No I did not. And I am not going to.” Violet said. “It says we have to go with Olaf.”

“What? We’re just going to pretend she didn’t write it.” Sunny asked.

“No.” Violet said. “I’m thinking we say there was no note if anyone asks. Maybe the wind ripped it from the room after Aunt Josephine jumped.”

Klaus raised an eyebrow.

“It’s plausible.” Violet defends.

“Not that, you’re condoning lying?” Klaus said.

“Klaus, I turn invisible, you see dead people, and Sunny once bit through a brass door knob. I have always condoned lying. I just think we shouldn’t do it if it’s not necessary.” Violet said.

Klaus conceded at that and the three children get ready for bed with odd feelings in their hearts. The wishy washyness of Aunt Josephine's death was a weight on their shoulders, and the note hidden in one of the inner pockets in Violet’s coat was nerve racking. They had considered burning it but Klaus felt something was weird about it. All the grammar mistakes were sounding alarm bells in his head so Violet had zipped it in the most hidden part of her coat. 

The next morning was cold and windy, it was obvious that a storm was approaching. The three children sat in the kitchen eating some dry cereal that Josephine had bought at the grocery store the day before, waiting for Mr. Poe. It was shortly after 9, the Baudelaires didn’t know that as Josephine was afraid of the number 7 so she had no clocks in the home, when Poe arrived. Violet heard the taxi arrive and she rushed to the door, as he raised his hand to knock Violet opened the door.

“Aunt Josephine didn’t like people knocking, she thought the door would explode, or give someone splinters.” Violet said quietly.

“That’s odd.” Mr. Poe commented.

“Hmm.” Violet said. “Please come in.” She moved aside so he could enter.

Mr. Poe entered the kitchen and smiled at Klaus and Sunny who were sitting at the table, still pushing around the cereal. “So,” he said sitting down. “Tell me what happened.” And they did, they told him about Josephine picking up the phone and shooing them out of the room, of hearing a big crash and rushing down to the library to find a large hole in the wall. Of calling Mr. Poe. By the time they were done Violet and Klaus, who had done most of the talking, felt tired even though they had woken up only a little while ago. 

“Hmm. And she left no note?” Mr. Poe asked. “Don’t people who kill themselves typically leave notes?”

“No, there was no note.” Violet said.

“We don’t really know what people who kill themselves do.” Klaus said.

Of course these were lies for the most part.

“I didn’t expect you to.” Mr. Poe said. “Well this is quite troublesome. Anyway you should pack your things I want to catch the next ferry so as to not miss two whole days of banking over this.”

The next words out of Violet’s mouth were cut off by a knock on the door. Mr. Poe rose to answer it and standing outside the house was Olaf. He was still in the terrible costume but the children hoped that maybe Mr. Poe would recognize him, he didn’t though.

“Oh hello.” Mr. Poe said. “Who are you?”

“I am Captain Sham. I had heard about what happened to poor old Jo, you know she and I have been friends for years.” Olaf said.

“You met her yesterday.” Klaus said from the kitchen.

"It does only seem like yesterday," Olaf said, "but it was really years ago. She and I met in cooking school. We were oven partners in the Advanced Baking Course." 

"You weren't partners," Violet said, annoyed. "Aunt Josephine was desperately afraid of turning on the oven. She never would have attended cooking school." 

"We soon became friends," Olaf said, going on with his story as if no one had interrupted, "and one day she said to me, 'if I ever adopt some orphans and then meet an untimely death, promise me you will raise them for me.' I told her I would, but of course I never thought I would have to keep my promise."

“Oh I wasn’t aware that Josephine made you the children’s new caretaker.” Mr. Poe said.

“You weren’t?” Olaf said. “There wasn’t a note?”

“I have seen no note.” Mr. Poe said.

“Really?” Olaf turned to the children.

“There was no note.” Violet said.

Olaf then turned and went into the library, the room was freezing and everything was slightly damp due to the giant hole in the window letting in the cold air and water from the lake. Olaf searched everywhere before noticing a pin in the table with a small amount of paper stuck in between the end of the pin and the table. 

“You’re sure there was no note.” Olaf sounded mad.

“There was no note.” Klaus said exasperated. 

“It must have blown away.” He muttered to himself.

Olaf gave a big turn and said, “you know the children probably haven’t eaten yet. Because of… grief and all that. How about I take us all out to lunch.”

“Oh that would be quite nice, children what do you think?” Mr. Poe said.

“Don’t we need to get ready to meet the ferry.” Violet said.

“Oh the ferry is closed.” Olaf said. “On account of the hurricane coming in today.”

“Well if the ferry is closed anyway then we might as well get some free food.” Poe said.

The children were not able to get out of their predicament, and as Mr. Poe and the children stood outside Olaf stayed in to call the taxicab. And call an associate which could help with his situation. The drive down was awkward, Klaus had gotten the seat behind the passenger so he was once again looking over the cliff, Violet had ended up in the middle and was pressed against Olaf who had taken the seat behind the driver, and Mr. Poe sat up front and was making less than pleasant small talk with the driver.

“You see now you need to diversify your investments- oh are we here?” Mr. Poe said as they pulled to a stop.

The driver gave a sigh of relief right as Klaus and Violet jetted out of the car. They were standing in front of the Anxious Clown restaurant, it looked terrible and neither of the children wanted to go in but Mr. Poe pushed them through the door.

"Hello, I'm Larry Your Waiter," said Larry, the waiter, once they had been seated. "Welcome to the Anxious Clown restaurant- where everybody has a good time, whether they like it or not. I can see we have a whole family lunching together today, so allow me to recommend the Extra Fun Special Family Appetizer. It's a bunch of things fried up together and served with a sauce." 

“Can I just have a water? Please.” Klaus said quickly, not wanting to see how his lingering nausea would mix with that monstrosity. 

“Me too.” Violet said. “And a glass of ice cubes for my sister.”

"I'll have a cup of coffee with non dairy creamer," Mr. Poe said. 

"Oh, no, Mr. Poe," Olaf said. "Let's share a nice big bottle of red wine." 

"No, thank you, Captain Sham," Mr. Poe said. "I don't like to drink during banking hours."

“But we are celebrating Josephine’s life.” He started to cry crocodile tears. “She would want us not to mourn over her death.” 

"I didn't realize this was a sad occasion. In that case, allow me to recommend the Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers. The pickles, mustard, and ketchup make a little smiley face on top of the burger, which is guaranteed to get you smiling, too." Larry said.

"That sounds like a good idea," Olaf said. "Bring us all Cheer-Up Cheeseburgers, Larry." 

"They'll be here in a jiffy," the waiter said.

Poe and Olaf began talking, with Olaf continuing to make up stories about how close he and Josephine were.

Seeing they were distracted Klaus leaned over and whispered to Violet, “I think I know what the note said.”

“Klaus, shhhh.” Violet hissed.

“I think it was a message.” He continued.

“What are you two whispering about over there.” Mr. Poe asked.

Violet then proceeded to breakout an Oscar worthy performance. “I just- I- and Aunt Josephine- sorry-” Violet was a blubbering mess.

Klaus placed a hand on his sister's shoulder and said, “I’m going to take her to get some air.” And did not wait for an answer. They ended up near the front door with Violet wiping her eyes.

“Where did that come from?” Klaus asked.

“Mother signed me up for acting lessons a few summers ago. Never really got anything but the fake crying down.” Violet said. “Now what were you rambling on about?”

“I think I figured out the note, I think the grammatical errors were on purpose.” Klaus said. “We need to make more time.” 

"How can we make more time?" Violet asked. 

"You're the inventor," Klaus answered.

"But you can't invent things like time," Violet said. "You can invent things like automatic popcorn poppers. You can invent things like steam-powered window washers. But you can't invent more time.'' 

“We need to head back, you’ll figure something out.” Klaus said.

Violet put her hands in her coat pockets as she walked back and felt the peppermints, slowly she untied the ribbon around her wrist and tied up her hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm getting writer's block because I cannot figure out what to do with certain characters. Also about half way through book 7!


	14. RIP Josephine's House

“Hey sunshine, anything interesting happen?” Klaus asked.

“Before Olaf’s friend walked in, no.” Sunny answered.

“What friend?” Violet asked. 

Sunny pointed at the waiter, which was not Larry, their waiter, who Olaf was talking with. The children could tell it was the bald man but Mr. Poe remained oblivious as Olaf and his accomplice quietly fought before the bald man handed Olaf a rolled paper.

“You know I just remembered that Josephine once wrote me a letter talking about when she had children how if anything happened to her she would want me to take care of them.” Olaf said.

“Oh! Well that’s perfect. If you can get me that letter-” Mr. Poe said.

“It’s actually right here.” Olaf handed him the letter. 

“Mr. Poe-” Violet started.

“Hush Violet the adults are talking.” Mr. Poe said.

Klaus reached over and patted her shoulder.

“Well in that case let me grab the paperwork for us to go over.” Mr. Poe reached into his bag and pulled out a stack of papers.

“We need to get out of here now.” Whispered Klaus.

“Just wait.” Violet whispered back.

"And then the children will be mine?" Olaf asked.

"Well, you will be caring for them, yes," Mr. Poe said. "Of course, the Baudelaire fortune will still be under my supervision, until Violet comes of age."

"What fortune?" Count Olaf asked, his eyebrow furrowing. "I don't know anything about a fortune."

"The Baudelaire parents," Mr. Poe explained, "left an enormous fortune behind, and the  
children inherit it when Violet comes of age."

"Well, I have no interest in a fortune," Olaf said. "I have my sailboats. I wouldn't touch a penny of it."

"Well, that's good," Mr. Poe said, "because you can't touch a penny of it."

“We will see.” Olaf mumbled.

“What?” Mr. Poe said.

“Nothing.”

Violet was still trying to convince herself that triggering an allergic reaction was a good idea. It would definitely get them out of here, but it was a dumb idea. She handed Klaus a peppermint anyway. 

Klaus was sure that Violet had genuinely lost her mind. He turned his head to her and raised his eyebrows, as if to say ‘really’, and got an eye roll back, as if it say ‘just do it’. With a sigh he put the mint into his mouth and handed the other one to Sunny. Now Sunny had never had peppermints so they weren’t sure how she would react or even if she would react, Klaus’ tongue swelled up and Violet broke out in hives, and as it turned out she did both.

"Why, children," Mr. Poe said after happening to glance at them. "You look terrible! Violet, you have red patches on your skin. Klaus, your tongue is hanging out of your mouth. Sunny, both things are happening to you." 

"There must be something in this food that we're allergic to," Violet said. 

"My goodness," Mr. Poe said.

“Just take deep breaths.” Olaf said.

"I feel terrible," Violet said, and Sunny began to fake cry, it wasn’t as good as Violets but no one noticed anyway. "I think we should go home and lie down, Mr. Poe." 

"Just lean back in your seat," Olaf said sharply. "There's no reason to leave when we're in the middle of lunch." 

"Why, Captain Sham," Mr. Poe said, "the children are quite ill. Violet is right. Come now, I'll pay the bill and we'll take the children home." 

"No, no," Violet said quickly. "We'll get a taxi. You two stay here and take care of all the details." 

“Oh are you sure?” Mr. Poe said.

"Our allergies are fairly mild," Violet said.

“Well, you all go home and lie down. Captain Sham will retrieve you later.” Mr. Poe said.

"I'll do that," Olaf said. "I'll come and retrieve you very, very soon." 

Violet let Klaus sit behind the passenger side on the way back up. They were anxiously waiting but Violet didn’t want to pull out the note yet, she didn’t trust that somehow Olaf wouldn’t find out it still existed. 

Getting to the house Violet gave the money Poe had handed them as they left the restaurant plus the tip that if a snake’s head is triangular it is most likely venomous. Klaus had started to talk once the taxi drove away but it came out incomprehensible due to his tongue swelling.

"I don't understand what you're saying," Violet said.

Klaus began to mumble out something Violet couldn’t understand. 

"Never mind, never mind," Violet said, opening the door and handing him the note. "Now you have the time that you need to figure out whatever it is that you're figuring out."

He nodded in lieu of answering. 

“Great, if you don’t need help then Sunny and I are going to go take a baking soda bath to help our hives." Violet said, holding Sunny who was not enjoying her reaction.

Klaus gave a nod and moved to the library. Violet walked over to the bathroom and deposited Sunny on the toilet while she looked for baking soda. After rummaging through the kitchen, under the bathroom sink, and even in the front closet Violet had to accept that Josephine didn’t have any baking soda. With a sigh she settled for just a normal bath.

Klaus had been looking through Basic Rules of Grammar and Punctuation, Handbook for Advanced Apostrophe Use, and The Correct Spelling of Every English Word That Ever, Ever Existed when Violet walked in with a blanket covering her and Sunny.

“Why doesn’t this house have warm water.” Violet complained. “What are you reading?”

“I’m studying grammar.” Klaus was actually a lot harder to understand, but his tongue had stopped being so swollen.

"Why are you wasting valuable time studying grammar?" Sunny asked.

“Josephine left a message in the note.” He said.

Klaus then proceeded to show every instance of wrong grammar or misspelling, and wrote the wrong bit on a separate piece of paper. Once he had gotten through every mistake the paper spelled out Curdled Cave.

“What is Curdled Cave?” Violet asked.

“Well I’d assume a cave, maybe it's nearby.” Klaus said.

A great gust of wind ripped through the window, rattling the room. Chairs and footstools flipped over and fell to the floor with their legs in the air. The bookshelves shook so hard that some of the heaviest books fell into puddles of rainwater on the floor. And the Baudelaire were jerked violently to the ground as a streak of lightning flashed across the darkening sky. 

“Time to leave the room.” Violet grabbed Klaus’ arm and dragged him out of the room.

"But I need to go back in there," Klaus said, holding up the note. "We just found out what Aunt Josephine means by Curdled Cave , and we need a library to find out more." 

"Not that library," Violet pointed out. "All that library had were books on grammar. We need her books on Lake Lachrymose."

“Would she even have books on Lake Lachrymose anymore?” Klaus asked. “Where would they be?”

"Let's see," Violet said. "Where would you hide something if you didn't want to look at it?" 

“Under the bed.” Violet said.

“Under the bed.” Klaus said.

“Six feet underground in mother's garden.” Sunny said.

Violet and Klaus stared at her for a moment.

“Or under the bed.” Sunny agreed.

“Come on.” Violet said, going towards Josephine’s room. And under her bed was a pile of books, it took a few titles before Violet pulled out an atlas which Klaus grabbed and started flipping through. There was a flash of lightning outside the window, and it began to rain harder, making a sound on the roof like somebody was dropping marbles on it, the house began to shake again.

"There it is!" Violet pointed a finger at the tiny spot on the map marked Curdled Cave. "Directly across from Damocles Dock and just west of the Lavender Lighthouse. Let's go." 

"Go?" Klaus said. "How will we get across the lake?" 

Violet was saved from answering by a terrible creaking noise. The house was shaking more than it had been and looking out the window Sunny could see that one of the stilts had been hit with lightning.

“We need to leave.” Sunny said.

"Sunny's right," Violet said. "Grab the atlas and let's go."

Klaus gripped the atlas and the group made their way out of the room quickly. A piece of the ceiling in the hallway had come off, and rainwater was steadily pouring onto the carpet, splattering the children as they ran underneath it. The house gave another lurch, and they toppled to the floor again. Aunt Josephine's house was starting to slip off the hill. Violet managed to rip open the door and drag everyone through right as a noise that sounded like 5 car crashes at once came from the house.

The three children were frozen as they watched the few stilts they could see crumple like paper rather than steel. The house seemed to break in parts, with the library falling in first, before the sides crumbled off, and finally everything but the door fell in. It was quiet even with the rain and thunder in the aftermath. And as they looked over where the house had just plummeted into the lake below Klaus said, “aw, my rattle.” 

“Klaus, we have bigger problems.” Violet said. “Come on, it’s a long walk down the hill.”

It was a long walk down the hill. It was a cold, wet, long walk. And it was only after getting to the very bottom of the hill and all the way to the dock that the Baudelaires remembered what Olaf had said.

“It’s closed!” Klaus said, smacking his forehead. 

"We'll have to wait until it opens," Violet replied. 

"But it won't open until the storm is past," Klaus pointed out, "and by then Count Olaf will find us and take us far away. We have to get to Aunt Josephine as soon as possible." 

"I don't know how we can," Violet said, shivering. "The atlas says that the cave is all the way across the lake, and we can't swim all that way in this weather." 

“We can’t walk either.” Sunny said.

"There must be other boats on this lake," Klaus said, "besides the ferry. Motorboats, or fishing boats, or sailboats.”

“Sailboats.” Violet said. “Hey Klaus, do you happen to remember who was selling sailboats recently?”

“Olaf but I don’t-” Klaus started. “No.”

“We have to.” Violet said.

“No. No, that is a terrible idea.” Klaus said.

"We know Olaf isn't there, because he's either on his way to Aunt Josephine's house or still at the Anxious Clown." Violet said.

"But whoever is there," Klaus said, "won't let us rent a sailboat." 

"They won't know we're the Baudelaires," Violet replied. "We'll tell whoever it is that we're the Jones children and that we want to go for a sail." 

"In the middle of a hurricane?" Klaus replied. "They won't believe that." 

"They'll have to," Violet said walking towards a big sign which said “CAPTAIN SHAM'S SAILBOAT RENTALS-EVERY BOAT HAS IT'S OWN SAIL”, and because she was carrying Sunny Klaus had no option but to follow. Violet snuck towards the shack to the side as the door to the dock was locked. She peered in and saw the person of an ambiguous gender asleep on a desk. 

“Yeah we’re not renting a boat.” Violet said.

“Who’s in there?” Klaus asked.

“The person who isn’t a man or a woman.” Violet said.

“Did they see you?” Klaus said.

“No, they’re sleeping. They are holding a key ring though. We'll need them, I bet, to unlock the gate and get a sailboat." Violet said.

"You mean we're going to steal a sailboat?" Klaus asked. 

“Yes.” Violet said.

“Cool.” Klaus said.

“Okay I’m going to get the keys.” Violet said.

“How?” Klaus said. “They’ll see you.”

Violet stared at him for a moment.

“Nevermind.” Klaus said.

Violet pushed open the door, cringing when it creaked, and slipped through. She carefully walked toe-heel and barely breathed as Violet approached them. Gently, she grabbed the keys and rapped them in her skirt to muffle any jingling. Violet managed to get back to the door and beckoned her siblings to follow. It took a few tries before the gate opened and they slipped through. Which resulted in the gate slamming shut and the person inside rushing outside to see three children staring at them.

“Okay time to go.” Violet said and they ran to a boat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aye! Book 8 baby! We have solved the writer's block and I predict at least two more books before it hits again.


	15. Dead body p2 electric boogaloo

“Hey Klaus?” Violet asked.

“Yeah?” Klaus said.

“Do you know how to sail a boat?” Violet said.

“Kinda.” He said.

Violet made a motion for him to go on. “Okay, we need to use the sail to catch the wind. Then it will push us where we want to go." 

"And this lever is called a tiller," Violet said. "I remember it from studying some naval blueprints. The tiller controls the rudder, which is below the water, steering the ship. Sunny, sit in back and work the tiller. Klaus, hold the atlas so we can tell where we're going, and I'll try to work the sail. I think if I pull on this rope, I can control the sail." 

“That way.” Klaus pointed at the lake.

“Okay.” Violet said, and that was how it went for a while, with Klaus adjusting the course and Violet or Sunny putting those adjustments into action. They were freezing and wet and tired but eventually a light purple light came into view and in that moment it felt like children entered the eye of the storm. They didn’t, the eye of the storm was closer to the middle of the lake rather than on the edge which was where the children were, but that relief was the same. It only took a few more minutes but then they were docking to the best of their ability and walking towards the only opening in the shore.

The cave was filled with strange white rock formations, both dripping down from the ceiling and up from the floor. And there was this terrible sound, like wailing, which filled the entire cave.

"It’s just the wind, probably," Klaus said. "I read somewhere that when wind passes through small spaces, like caves, it can make weird noises. It's nothing to be afraid of." 

“I wish it would stop.” Violet said.

“Me too.” Sunny said. Well she said “mm oo” but they understood anyway.

The three children walked into the cave, the wailing didn’t stop, in fact it was louder as it echoed off the walls and rock formations, and the Baudelaires could tell it wasn't the wind. It was Aunt Josephine, sitting in a corner of the cave and sobbing with her head in her hands.

“Um. Aunt Josephine.” Violet said when she didn’t notice them.

"You figured it out," Josephine wiped her eyes. "I knew you could figure it out, I knew you were clever children," Aunt Josephine said. "I knew you would read my message." 

"Klaus really did it," Violet said. 

"But Violet knew how to work the sailboat," Klaus said. "Without Violet we never would have arrived here." 

“And Sunny, she worked the tiller.” Violet said.

“And Sunny.” Klaus agreed.

"Well, I'm glad you all made it here," Aunt Josephine said. "Let me just catch my breath and I'll help you bring in your things." 

"What things?" Violet asked. 

"Why, your luggage of course," Aunt Josephine replied. "And I hope you brought some food, because the supplies I brought are almost gone." 

"We didn't bring any food," Klaus said. 

"No food?" Aunt Josephine said. "How in the world are you going to live with me in this cave if you didn't bring any food?" 

"We didn't come here to live with you," Violet said. 

"Then why are you here?" she asked. 

“Stim!” Sunny said, which meant “we were worried about you.”

"'Stim' is not a sentence, Sunny," Aunt Josephine said sternly. "Perhaps one of your older siblings could explain in correct English why you're here." 

“Because O- Captain Sham almost had us.” Klaus said.

“Oh, I’m sorry I wrote that note, children. That night, when he called me on the phone, he told me he was really Count Olaf. He said I had to write out a will saying you children would be left in his care. He said if I didn't write what he said, he would drown me in the lake. I was so frightened that I agreed immediately." 

"Why didn't you call the police?" Violet asked. "Why didn't you call Mr. Poe? Why didn't you call somebody who could have helped?" 

"You know why," Aunt Josephine said crossly. "I'm afraid of using the phone. Why, I was just getting used to answering it. I'm nowhere near ready to use the numbered buttons. But in any case, I didn't need to call anybody. I threw a footstool through the window and then sneaked out of the house. I left you the note so that you would know I wasn't really dead, but I hid my message so that Captain Sham wouldn't know I had escaped from him." 

"Why didn't you take us with you? Why did you leave us all alone by ourselves? Why didn't you protect us from Count Olaf?" Klaus asked. 

"It is not grammatically correct," Aunt Josephine said, "to say 'leave us all alone by ourselves. 'You can say 'leave us all alone,' or 'leave us by ourselves,' but not both. Do you understand?" 

Klaus took a slow, deep breath and said through gritted teeth, “yes.”

"Good. Well, I'm happy to see you, and you are welcome to share this cave with me. I don't think Captain Sham will ever find us here." Josephine said.

"We're not staying here'' Violet said impatiently. "We're sailing back to town, and we're taking you with us." 

“Oh no,” Josephine said. "I'm too frightened of Captain Sham to face him. After all he's done to you I would think that you would be frightened of him, too."

“I’m more annoyed than anything.” Klaus mumbled, Sunny nodded. 

"We are frightened of him," Klaus said, turning to Josephine to try and convince her, "but if we prove that he's really Count Olaf he will go to jail. You are the proof. If you tell Mr. Poe what happened, then Count Olaf will be locked away and we will be safe." 

"You can tell him, if you want to," Aunt Josephine said. "I'm staying here." 

"He won't believe us unless you come with us and prove that you're alive," Violet said. 

"No, no, no," Aunt Josephine said. "I'm too afraid."

"We're all afraid," Violet said firmly. "We were afraid when we met Olaf in the grocery store. We were afraid when we thought that you had jumped out the window. We were afraid to give ourselves allergic reactions, and we were afraid to steal a sailboat and we were afraid to make our way across this lake in the middle of a hurricane. But that didn't stop us." 

"I can't help it that you're braver than I am," Josephine said. "I'm not sailing across that lake. I'm not making any phone calls. I'm going to stay right here for the rest of my life, and nothing you can say will change my mind." 

“Realtor.” Sunny said.

Klaus suddenly remembered that curdled cave was for sale. “You know Curdled Cave is for sale.”

"So what?" Aunt Josephine said. 

"That means," Klaus said, "that before long certain people will come to look at it. And some of those people will be realtors." 

“Okay, I’ll go.” Josephine said.

“Great, get in the boat.” Violet said.

As it turned out getting Aunt Josephine in the boat was the easy part, keeping her in it was much harder. She kept rocking nervously and saying “oh no” every few minutes and Klaus was not as kind about it as Ike, who had gone with her, was.

“Deep breaths, darling. You’ll be fine.” He said besides her.

It was a few more minutes when Josephine said oh no again and the children ignored her.

“I mean it this time.” Josephine said.

"What's wrong, Aunt Josephine?" Violet said tiredly.

"We're about to enter the territory of the Lachrymose Leeches," Aunt Josephine said. 

"I'm sure we'll pass through safely," Klaus said. "You told us that the leeches were harmless and only preyed on small fish." 

"Unless you've eaten recently," Aunt Josephine said. 

"But it's been hours since we've eaten," Violet said soothingly. "The last thing we ate were peppermints at the Anxious Clown. That was in the afternoon, and now it's the middle of the night." 

"But I ate a banana," she whispered, "just before you arrived." 

"Oh no," Violet said.

Klaus turned towards Sunny and mouthed “Fuck”. Sunny nodded sympathetically.

“Is there a way to go around it?” Klaus asked.

“No, it’s one narrow strip that crosses the entirety of the Lake.” Josephine said.

“Maybe the storm drove them away?” Violet said unsure.

“Maybe.” Josephine agreed.

“It’s fine, we’ll just turn around and wait for a bit.” Klaus said.

“Too late.” Sunny said. And she was right as at that moment something small rammed right into the side of the boat.

“Speak of the devil.” Violet said. “I’m sure they won’t breach the boat.” 

The boat sprung a leak.

“Had to jinx it.” Klaus said, pained. "We have to sail much faster, or this boat will be in pieces in no time." 

"But sailing relies on the wind," Violet pointed out. "We can't make the wind go faster." 

"I'm frightened!" Aunt Josephine cried. "Please don't throw me overboard!" 

"Nobody's going to throw you overboard," Violet said. "Take an oar, Aunt Josephine. Klaus, take the other one. If we use the sail, the tiller, and the oars we should move more quickly."

“Hey Vi,” Klaus held up an eaten oar. “Not gonna work.”

"Rowing won't help us, anyway," she said. "This boat is sinking.”

Violet stares at Josephine, frustration mounting. If she wasn’t here Violet could handle this. The Violet realized.

“Hey Aunt Josephine, close your eyes.” Violet said.

“Okay.” And Josephine did.

Klaus frowned at her before Violet made a shield cover the bottom of the boat. The leeches continued to try and bite through it but unlike the boat the shields held. Violet nodded to the sail, as her hands were occupied. He moved and started to sail. 

They made it about a fourth of the lake when Violet suddenly dropped the shield as a light was shined on them.

“Hello, looks like you are in some trouble.” Olaf said, on his own boat. “I would be happy to help.”

“No thank you.” Violet said.

“You’re sinking.” He pointed out.

“So? Mind your business.” Klaus said.

“You’ll die?” Olaf was confused.

Sunny gave a thumbs up.

“I would like to get on the boat.” Josephine said, still with her eyes shut.

“Oh Josephine, I was hoping you had done the sensible thing and jumped out the window.” Olaf said

“I tried to do the sensible thing, but the children came and got me.” She said. Josephine had stepped on the boat and the children reluctantly followed.

"Aren't you going to say thank you, orphans?" Olaf asked, "If it weren't for me, all of you would be divided up into the stomachs of those leeches." 

“We would have been fine.” Violet said. “We were almost out of their territory.”

“Hmm doesn’t matter, let’s head back to shore and finalize those papers. And then you will finally be mine.” Olaf said.

"Don't be ridiculous," Klaus said. "We don't belong to you and we never will. Once we tell Mr. Poe what happened he will send you to jail."

"Oh, really? Mr. Poe won't believe you," Olaf said, chuckling. "Why should he believe three runaway pipsqueaks who go around stealing boats?"

“Because we have Aunt Josephine with us.” Violet said.

"But nobody will believe the old woman, either," Olaf said impatiently. "Nobody believes a dead woman."

“Aunt Josephine is alive right?” Klaus asked, suddenly unsure.

“Yes.” Violet confirmed.

“Of course my bad.” Olaf said. "She's not dead yet"

"Oh no, don't throw me overboard," Josephine pleaded. "Please!" 

"You're not going to reveal my plan to Mr. Poe," Olaf said, "because you will be joining your beloved Ike at the bottom of the lake."

"I promise not to say anything to Mr. Poe!" Aunt Josephine said desperately. "I'll go someplace and hide away, and never show my face! You can tell him I'm dead! You can have the fortune! You can have the children! Just don't throw me to the leeches!" 

"You're supposed to be caring for us," Violet told Aunt Josephine in astonishment, "not putting us up for grabs!" 

Olaf paused, and seemed to consider Aunt Josephine's offer. "You have a point," he said. "I don't necessarily have to kill you. People just have to think that you're dead." 

"I'll change my name!" Aunt Josephine said. "I'll dye my hair! I'll wear colored contact lenses! And I'll go very, very far away! Nobody will ever hear from me!" 

"But what about us, Aunt Josephine?" Klaus asked in horror. "What about us?" 

"Be quiet, orphan," Olaf snapped. "The adults are talking. Now, old woman, I wish I could believe you. But you hadn't been a very trustworthy person." 

“I hate that phrase.” Klaus said.

"Haven't been," Aunt Josephine corrected.

“What?” Olaf asked. Klaus cringed.

"You made a grammatical error," Aunt Josephine said. "You said 'But you hadn't been a very trustworthy person,' but you should have said, 'you haven't been a very trustworthy person.'" 

Olaf didn’t say anything, instead just pushed her off the boat. The children rushed to the side and leaned over the side of the boat, stretching their hands out as far as they could. Thanks to her two life jackets, Aunt Josephine was floating on top of the water, waving her hands in the air as the leeches swam toward her. But Olaf had moved the boat too far away.

“What is wrong with you!” Klaus shouted.

“Didn’t you see me kill a man? Why are you surprised I’d kill a woman.” Olaf said.

“Turn the sailboat around!” Violet demanded.

"Not a chance," he replied smoothly. "Wave goodbye to the old woman, orphans. You'll never see her again." 

"She has a chance," Violet said quietly to Klaus. "She has those life jackets, and she's a strong swimmer, right?" 

“Right?” Klaus said, but a few minutes later the temperature dropped significantly. Klaus suppressed a shiver. They stood for the rest of the ride at the back of the boat, as far from Olaf as they could be. Olaf tied the boat to the dock once they got back, and he said, "Come along, little idiots."

Mr. Poe was waiting for them and he seemed far less stressed once they came into his sightline. "You're safe!" Mr. Poe said. "Thank goodness! We were so worried about you! When Captain Sham and I reached the Anwhistle home and saw that it had fallen into the sea, we thought you were done for!" 

"It is lucky my associate told me that they had stolen a sailboat," Olaf told Mr. Poe. "The boat was nearly destroyed by Hurricane Herman, and by a swarm of leeches. I rescued them just in time." 

"He did not!" Violet shouted. "He threw Aunt Josephine into the lake! We have to go and rescue her!" 

"The children are upset and confused," Olaf said. "As their father, I think they need a good night's sleep." 

"He's not our father!" Klaus shouted. "He's Count Olaf, and he's a murderer! Please, Mr. Poe, alert the police!" 

As they argued above her Sunny crawled towards Olaf, sick and tired of the ruse he was pulling and bit him, right on the fake leg. And the peg leg cracked right in the middle of Olaf’s sentence.

“Sunny!” Mr. Poe scolded. “You shouldn’t bite people.”

“Mr. Poe!” Violet shouted. “Look at his leg!”

And Mr. Poe looked down and saw the eye tattoo on his left leg, and for a moment Poe and Olaf stared at each other before Olaf broke out into a sprint.

"Get back here!" Mr. Poe shouted. "Get back here in the name of the law! Get back here in the name of justice and righteousness! Get back here in the name of Mulctuary Money Management!" 

"We can't just shout at him!" Violet shouted. "Come on! We have to chase him!" 

"I'm not going to allow children to chase after a man like that," Mr. Poe said, and called out again, "Stop, I say! Stop right there!"

He didn’t stop and the children knew that he never would. And Mr. Poe would do nothing. Violet was tired, she was so, so tired; and she couldn’t continue this cycle of going to a new guardian, Olaf arriving, he kills them, and repeat. So Violet quietly grabbed her siblings and began to pull them away while Poe continued to shout at nothing. Klaus frowned before realizing what Violet was doing and trying to pull away. He opened his mouth to talk but Violet covered it and pulled harder. It was only once Violet dragged them on the only truck around that Klaus hissed, “are you crazy.”

“We can’t keep doing this Klaus.” Violet said.

“So you want to be teen runaways.” Klaus said. “Do you know how often they die?”

“We’ll look out for each other.” Violet said. “And it wasn’t like we were safe with Olaf following us around.”

The truck started up right as they heard Poe say, “Baudelaires?” But it was too late they were already driving away to somewhere else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book 4 time babey!


	16. Lucky Smells Lumbermill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to make the chapters longer but this one is pretty short. I might post the next one early.

The Baudelaires weren’t sure where the truck was taking them, it had been driving for a few hours and the children had been sleeping on and off for the whole time. They had crashed after leaving Mr. Poe and lakeside town, having not slept the entire night while also sailing through a hurricane was exhausting. 

They all woke completely when the truck lurched to a stop and the driver climbed out.

“Hey kids.” He said while knocking on the side of the truck bed. “This is your stop.”

“You knew we were back here?” Violet asked.

“Of course I know what’s on my truck.” He said. “Also you kids weren’t that subtle getting on.”

“Then why did you drive us?” Klaus asked.

“How old are you? Seven? That’s old enough to make your own decisions. Anyway this is the furthest town, there’s a train here too. Beyond this it’s just truck stops and wilderness.” The man said.

“Okay, thank you.” Violet said while gathering Sunny and climbing down.

“Alright have a good one kids.” He said and got back in his truck, leaving them on the edge of a town called Paltryville.

“Guess we should go into the town?” Klaus said.

“Yeah.” Violet agreed. Neither of them moved. Running away seemed so easy before, but now that they were standing in the middle of nowhere with no idea what to do it felt a lot harder. It didn’t help that the place they ended up at was super creepy, the trees were completely bare and looked like metal pipes more than trees. The town itself was as bare as the trees, there were a few small shops on either side of the street, but none of them had any windows. There was a post office, but instead of a flag flying from the flagpole, there was only an old shoe dangling from the top of it, and across from the post office was a high wooden wall that ran all the way to the end of the street. In the middle of the wall was a tall gate, also made of wood, with the words "Lucky Smells Lumbermill" written on it. Besides that the only thing in the eyesight of the children were the skeletons of burnt houses and businesses. 

“This place looks nice.” Violet said.

“Oh, I hate it here.” Klaus said.

“How are the vibes Klaus?” Violet asked.

“Terrible.” He said.

“Great let's go find out where this train station is.” Violet said.

The three of them make their way towards the lumber mill as everywhere else seems abandoned, even the places that were still standing. It was only when they were about halfway down the street that they noticed one new building, it was wooden and had a large eye on it. The eye was an exact replica of the one on Olaf’s ankle.

"It must be a coincidence," Violet said, after a long pause. 

"Of course," Klaus said nervously, "a coincidence."

Sunny did not believe for one moment that it was a coincidence. But she decided not to say anything as they were going to leave anyways.

“Train.” She said to remind them they needed to go.

“Right Sunny, let’s find this train.” Violet said.

The children stopped in front of the large wooden door and read the smaller sign which said ‘trespassers will be put to work’.

“Put to work?” Klaus asked.

“I’m sure they don’t mean children.” Violet said.

Violet was, unfortunately, wrong. After they had entered in hopes to find someone who would point them to the train station they met a man named Charles who seemed as if he would do just that. However another man, who was Charles' partner and the owner of the mill, decided that because they had trespassed they would instead be put to work. And when Charles had objected to Sir’s orders, saying they were just children, he was reminded who was in charge. And now Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were walking to the Lucky Smells dormitory. 

“This feels illegal.” Klaus said.

“I mean we could just leave again.” Violet said.

“Sir locked the door.” Sunny said.

“Yeah this is definitely illegal.” Klaus walked over to the door of the dormitory and pulled it open. There was a man covered in sawdust and staring at them in shock.

"No one new has opened this door," he said finally, "for fourteen years."

Violet didn’t know how to respond to that. “Hi, I’m Violet. These are my siblings Klaus and Sunny.”

"Are you sure you're in the right place?" he asked. 

“Yeah.” Klaus complained. “We are.”

He still seemed confused. “But we aren’t allowed visitors.”

"We're not visitors," Violet replied. "We're going to live here."

"You're going to live here, at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill?" He sounded distressed. 

“We are also working here.” Klaus said. “Sir said we were.”

"You're going to work here, too? Children, working in a lumber-mill is a very difficult job. Trees have to be stripped of their bark and sawed into narrow strips to make boards. The boards have to be tied together into stacks and loaded onto trucks. I must tell you that the majority of people who work in the lumber business are grown-ups. But if the owner says you're working here, I guess you're working here. You'd better come inside." The man moved out of the way, and the Baudelaires stepped inside the dormitory. "My name's Phil, by the way," Phil said. "You can join us for dinner in a few minutes, but in the meantime I'll give you a tour of the dormitory."

The dorm was one room, filled with a series of bunks filled with tired looking people covered in sawdust. There were no windows but fake windows had been drawn on with a pen. There were picnic tales down the center of the room where some of the tired people were playing cards. Not many people noticed when they entered but the children took no offence to being ignored.

"This here is the room where we sleep," Phil said. "There's a bunk over there in the far corner that you three can have. You can store your bag underneath the bed. Through that door is the bathroom and down that hallway over there is the kitchen. That's pretty much the grand tour. Everyone, this is Violet, Klaus, and Sunny. They're going to work here." 

"But they're children," one of the women said. 

"I know," Phil said. "But the owner says they're going to work here, so they're going to work here." 

"By the way," Klaus said, "what is the owner's name?" 

“It’s Sir.” Phil said.

“His name is Sir?” Klaus said, incredulous. 

“Yes. If he has another one we’ve never heard it.” Phil said.

Klaus wanted to go and hide under the covers but instead he forced himself to say, “Thank you.”

“You are welcome.” Phil said cheerily. “Come on let’s have supper.”

The next morning the children were awoken by the sound of two pots being banged together, which was the second time they were woken up by pots being banged together. The first was by their mother while they were camping, and while at the time they had not appreciated, the Baudelaires agreed that was preferable to this time. Who they assumed was the foreman was standing at the front of the room yelling at the workers.

"Get up, you lazy, smelly things!" The foreman sounded weirdly muffled. "Time for work, everybody! There's a new shipment of logs just waiting to be made into lumber!" 

No one looked happy to be awake, well no one except for Phil who was smiling brightly and becoming for the children to join him.

"Good morning, Baudelaires," Phil said. "And good morning, Foreman Flacutono. May I  
introduce you to your three newest employees? Foreman Flacutono, this is Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire."

“Why are they so short?” Flacutono said. 

“We’re children.” Violet said.

“I don’t care, go to work.” He gave one more slam of the pots and turned and left.

“He’s pleasant.” Klaus said. He wasn’t, besides his bad attitude he also had a large welding mask on and an odd wig sitting on his head. It was pure white and curly, except the white had been colored off white by soot and the curls hadn’t been brushed out, so they had stuck together and looked like spiraling worms. And Foreman Flacutono smelled, which was ironic given how he yelled how the workers smelled.

“What about breakfast?” Violet asked Phil.

“Oh we don’t get breakfast and we just get gum for lunch.” Phil said. “But that just makes dinner taste even better.”

Klaus realized at that moment a horrible, terrible thing. “Oh, god. He’s an optimist.” 

“It’s your kryptonite Klaus, what ever will we do?” Violet had her hand pressed against her heart.

Sunny was snickering at her siblings' antics and Klaus turned to her in mock offense. “My own sister. Laughing at my lowest point. It truly is your own family.”

However as the day went on the children lost the energy to joke around, they had spent the entire morning trying to debark the logs which had been brought in, but the debarkers were far too big for Klaus and Violet, and entirely impossible for Sunny to use. By the time lunch rolled around Violet and Klaus’ arms hurt for the tools and Sunny’s teeth, which she had decided to use instead, felt sore. And when they were handed gum instead of food the Baudelaires remembered what Phil had said about lunch. So when they had to return to work their stomachs were aching and their arms were aching and their heads were aching from all the noise and it was terrible. 

And it only got worse when the Foreman stuck out his foot, tripping Klaus and causing him to break his glasses. And as Klaus got dragged away to the optometrist the Baudelaire sisters were helpless to stop the foreman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We hit book nine!


	17. A trip to the optometrist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter was kinda short so here's another one.

Klaus had been to the optometrist many times in his life. His first visit was when he was six years old after he accidentally ran face first into a wall. It was because he was trying to touch a ghost and wanted to see if sneaking up would let him do it, but it was for the best because Klaus was blind as a bat. This wasn’t even the first time his glasses broke. Once when Klaus was 9 and Violet was 11 she pushed him off the section of cushions which were her territory during a game and the glasses flew into a wall. So Klaus knew how optometrist appointments go and getting strapped down to the chair wasn’t common practice. 

“Um? Dr. Orwell?” Klaus tried to remain calm, he’s found that getting upset tends to make things worse. “Are the straps necessary?”

“Oh yes.” She was pretty, with dark red hair and cateye glasses, but something about her was so off putting that Klaus thought she looked kinda mean. “Now you wait one moment for me dear.”

“Okay.” Klaus said pleasantly. Once her back was turned he tried to get out of the bonds. Dr. Orwell turned back to him and Klaus stilled and shot her a smile. She returned it and turned back. Klaus then leaned down and tried to unbuckle the straps with his teeth but was forced to stop by another set of footsteps coming up the stairs.

It was a woman with blond hair and a pink dress and when she turned to Klaus he saw that it wasn’t a woman and that she was in fact Count Olaf.

“Shit.” Klaus decided that since Violet wasn’t there he didn’t have to feel bad about swearing. Klaus’ mother used to accidentally swear whenever Violet and Bertrand, their father, left the room. So Klaus and Sunny picked up the habit as well, but also only when their father and sister were gone. And Beatrice never had the heart to correct them as she was the reason they did it and also she thought it was kinda funny.

“Oh is something wrong.” Dr. Orwell asked.

“You know little boys shouldn’t swear.” Olaf, in a terrible falsetto said.

“Oh I’m so sorry Count Olaf I will keep that in mind.” Klaus decided that being blunt would be the best course of action. And he was right, even though Olaf didn’t react, Dr. Orwell looked surprised and couldn’t smooth over her expression fast enough. 

“Who is this Count Olaf, my name is Shirley.” Klaus didn’t particularly care for listening to Olaf and he looked at his bonds which held him down and acknowledged the fact that Orwell was working with Olaf. He was completely trapped.

Klaus didn’t struggle as Dr. Orwell forced him to look at the photos, he knew when he was beat and when reacting made things worse, so he took it. Orwell and Olaf were surprised at how compliant Klaus was being and regarded him with caution which caused for the hypnosis to go well into the night, and by the time they were sending him back to the mill it was nearly midnight.

“Shouldn’t he have struggled more?” Dr. Orwell asked.

“He is up to something Georgina, I know it.” Olaf said.

“Well he’s not anymore.” She shook off her discomfort. “Your guy got it handled?”

“By the end of the week those orphans will be in my clutches.” Olaf confirmed.

Violet was terrified, Klaus hadn’t been back in hours. She and Sunny were sitting outside staring at the door waiting for him to come back and Violet kept biting her nails. He had missed dinner and bed call and now Violet’s nails were bleeding. Sunny reached up and pulled down Violet’s hand, she gave it a little pat trying to comfort her sister. Phil had popped out a few times while they waited and been mostly unhelpful. There were plenty of times that having an optimist around was helpful, but when your brother was missing was not one of those times.

“I'm sure you have nothing to worry about, Dr. Orwell must have fallen behind.” Phil tried to comfort them. “Really you both should come to bed, I’m sure Klaus will be back by the morning.”

“No we’re gonna wait.” Violet said again, this was the third time Phil has tried to get them to go to bed.

“Alright.” Phil said and went back inside.

A few minutes later Sunny spotted the figure of her brother walking towards the building the girls were sitting in front of. “Klaus!” She said. Violet quickly got up and ran over to her brother, he looked fine but there was this glassy look in his eyes. Klaus didn’t react to his sisters being in front of him besides a small, impersonal smile; the type of one you would give to a coworker or classmate you didn’t know well.

“Klaus.” Violet sighed in relief. “You were gone for so long. What happened to you?”

"I don't know," Klaus said, so quietly that his sisters had to lean forward to hear him. "I can't remember." 

"Did you see Count Olaf?" Violet asked. "Was Dr. Orwell working with him? Did they do anything to you?" 

"I don't know," Klaus said, shaking his head. "I remember breaking my glasses, and I remember Foreman Flacutono taking me to the eye-shaped building. But I don't remember anything else. I scarcely remember where I am right now." 

"Klaus," Violet said firmly, "you are at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill in Paltryville. Surely you remember that." 

He didn’t say anything. Violet looked down to Sunny who looked scared.

“I’m sure he’s just tired.” Violet tried to sooth her sister. 

Sunny shook her head no. “His head is wrong.” She told Violet.

Violet shot her a questioning look. “It’s usually really fast but now it’s empty and feels like I’m moving through molasses. Also there are a bunch of blank spots.” Sunny explained.

Violet swallowed hard. Klaus didn’t seem to notice anything his sisters were doing and Violet was scared.

“Let’s go to bed Klaus.” Violet hoped that the next morning he would be back to normal.

“Yes, Sir.” Klaus said.

"Sir?" Violet repeated. "I'm not a sir, I'm your sister!" Sunny seemed even more distressed and Violet grabbed her brother’s hand and dragged him to bed. It took more commands before he laid down and went to sleep. Violet and Sunny watched the way he frowned as if thinking about something really hard, just as he had always done when he was asleep, ever since he was a tiny baby. It was a relief to have Klaus back with them, of course, but the Baudelaire sisters did not feel relieved, not one bit. They had never seen their brother act so strangely. For the rest of the night, Violet and Sunny huddled together on the top bunk, peering down and watching Klaus sleep. No matter how much they looked at him, it still felt like their brother had not returned.

It didn’t get better in the morning, Klaus was still confused and having trouble remembering. Violet and Sunny’s attempts to talk about yesterday were interrupted by the foreman banding pots together and telling everyone to get to work. The sisters were left to scramble after their brother and the other employees, but Violet took one step, and something made her stop. On the floor next to the Baudelaire bunk were Klaus' shoes, which she had removed the night before. Klaus had not even put them on before walking outside. 

“Hey dummy your shoes.” Violet had to jog to catch up with him. “Klaus!” He didn’t respond.

Violet stood there holding Sunny and Klaus’ shoes as her brother walked away from her.

"Come on, children," Phil said walking up behind her. "Let's hurry to the lumber mill." 

"Phil, there's something wrong with my brother," Violet said, watching Klaus open the door of the lumbermill and lead the other employees inside. "He scarcely says a word to us, he doesn't seem to remember anything, and look! He didn't put on his shoes this morning!" 

"Well, look on the bright side," Phil said. "We're supposed to finish tying today, and next we do the stamping. Stamping is the easiest part of the lumber business." 

"I don't care about the lumber business!" Violet cried. "Something is wrong with Klaus!" 

"Let's not make trouble, Violet," Phil said, and walked off toward the lumber mill leaving her still holding Sunny and Klaus’ shoes. 

They weren’t able to talk with Klaus for the rest of the day, the nose of the machines were far too loud and Klaus wasn’t even responding anyway. Sunny kept checking in on him throughout the day but his head was hype focused on their task of tying the planks together to be stamped. He didn’t even notice that he still wasn’t wearing shoes. They had been abandoned at the front of the building when Violet came in and Klaus was already at work.

It was after lunch that the foreman turned to Klaus, “Lucky boy, you get to work the stamping machine.” 

“He doesn’t know how to work the machine!” Violet had to answer for her brother who was already walking towards it.

“It looks like he does.” The foreman pointed at Klaus who had climbed to start it. “Let’s get to work Ladies.”

Phil slid up to Violet. “He says Ladies to address all of us, even though we aren’t all Ladies. I’m not sure why though.”

“It’s to be mean Phil.” Violet didn’t really care for the conversation she was having with Phil, there were other things to worry about.

“Oh that can’t be it.” Phil walked off.

“Optimist.” Sunny said, Violet nodded in agreement.

They got to work before the foreman yelled at them, their job was to blow on the drying letters after they had been stamped by the machine. It was sort of like a library stamp, the workers brought the boards onto a platform and then Klaus dropped the large stamp that said “Lucky Smells Lumbermill” in red ink on the boards, which were then moved off and the cycle started again. The girls were by Phil who was making idle chatter about something, Violet and Sunny weren’t listening. Violet was busy wondering why Foreman Flacutono would have Klaus work the machine rather than one of the other workers and Sunny was thinking about what could have happened while Klaus was at the optometrist. They were both brought out of their thoughts by a crash.

Klaus had brought the stamp right onto poor Phil’s leg.

“This is a disaster!” The foreman shouted.

“This isn't too bad. My left leg is broken, but at least I'm right legged. That's pretty fortunate." Phil said.

"Gee," one of the other employees murmured. "I thought he'd say something more along the lines of 'Aaaaah! My leg! My leg!'" 

"If someone could just help me get to my foot," Phil said, "I'm sure that I can get back to work." 

“Not that! The machine is broken.” The foreman gestured to the machine which was smoking.

“Phil needs to go to the hospital.” Violet’s mouth was open in shock over the foreman’s disregard for Phil.

"Yes, Phil," another worker said. "We have those coupons from last month, fifty percent off a cast at the Ahab Memorial Hospital. Two of us will chip in and get your leg all fixed up. I'll call for an ambulance right away." 

Phil smiled. "That's very kind of you," he said.

“This is going to cost an inordinate amount of money!” The foreman shouted.

"What does 'inordinate' mean?" somebody asked. 

"It means many things," Klaus said suddenly, blinking. "It can mean 'irregular.' It can mean 'immoderate.' It can mean 'disorderly.' But in the case of money, it is more likely to mean 'excessive.' Foreman Flacutono means that the machine costs a lot of money." 

“Klaus you’re okay!” Violet felt like laughing even while standing over Phil.

“He most certainly is not okay!” The foreman sounded mad. "You smashed our machine! I will tell Sir about this right away! You've put a complete halt to the stamping process! Nobody will earn a single coupon today!" 

“What happened?” Klaus looked down at Phil, "Phil, what happened to your leg?" 

"It's perfectly all right," Phil said, wincing in pain as he was lifted up by the workers. "It's just a little sore." 

"You mean you don't remember what happened?" Violet asked.

“Where are my shoes?” Klaus said.

“Door.” Sunny answered.

He went over to get them when the foreman stuck his foot out again, tripping Klaus. His glasses fell off and with a crack the foreman slammed his heel onto the glasses.

“My glasses!” Klaus exclaimed.

“Really again? Klaus.” Violet had pity in her voice. 

“Oh no!” The foreman’s voice was filled with fake sympathy. “Looks like you need to go back to Dr. Orwell again.”

Violet felt her heart drop. “I’m sure I can fix them, we would hate to bother the doctor again.”

“No.” The foreman said. "You'd better leave optometry to the experts. Say goodbye to your brother." 

“I can take him!” It was a last ditch, desperate move on Violet’s part.

"Well, all right." And it worked. "That's a good idea, come to think of it. Why don't all three of you go see Dr. Orwell?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm honestly tempted to move the rating up to mature due to swearing and some brief descriptions of violence or injury in later chapters but I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking it.


	18. An accident in the mill

It wasn’t a far walk from the mill to the optometrist but the children took over 20 minutes to get there. While walking the Baudelaire siblings tried to figure out what happened to Klaus, he couldn’t remember anything which had happened after breaking his glasses the first time. Violet filled him in the best she could, about how he was acting as a zombie and how Phil had had his leg crushed, but nothing came back. Klaus had hypothesized that maybe it was hypnosis, but he had unfortunately skipped over all the boring parts of the book he had read about it, so the only thing Klaus remembered is that there is a trigger word and something to let the person go and that there was a pharaoh who would cluck like a chicken on command. Because there was so little they knew the best option they could think of was Klaus would go in by himself and Violet would follow, invisible. Sunny had asked what she was supposed to do so she ended up sitting in the front of the building near an empty pot in which she could hide.

“Hello?” Klaus called, nervous even though Violet was right behind him.

The doctor walked out and looked at him, with no glasses and alone. “Break another pair?” She didn’t sound mean.

“Yeah.” Klaus was embarrassed even though it wasn’t his fault.

Dr. Orwell shook her head and said, “teenagers.”

“I’m not actually a teenager yet, I’m only 12.” Klaus said.

Orwell leveled an unimpressed look at him and gestured for Klaus to follow. And behind Klaus, Violet followed as well. It was the same room as the first time, even if Klaus couldn’t remember it. Dr. Orwell patted the seat and Klaus sat down, before Georgina strapped down his arms.

“Um? Dr. Orwell?” Klaus unknowingly said the same thing. “Are the straps necessary?”

“Yes, yes.” Orwell sounded put out. “Just wait here.”

She rolled out a machine and placed it in front of Klaus. “Okay look right into here for me.”

Klaus gave a nod and followed her directions, but instead of the normal set of letters there were a series of pictures which made him dizzy, and any objections were shushed by Orwell. There were words being spoken but Klaus couldn’t hear them, he could barely hear anything. It was hard to think, it was hard to move, it was hard to do anything. The floor fell away and Klaus couldn’t think anymore.

Violet felt sick, she had heard Dr. Orwell’s words about obeying her and anyone who said lucky boy’s every word. How he would come back if someone said the word inordinate, how he wouldn’t remember anything that happened. Violet felt sick and there was nothing she could do. The doctor led her brother down the stairs and gave him a new pair of glasses, the same as the other two he had been wearing, except a little shinier. He was then pushed out of the door and started walking away. Violet had to grab Sunny out of the pot she had jumped in after Georgina opened the door and ran after her brother who had made surprisingly far.

“Klaus!” Violet said, forcing him to a stop. “Inordinate Klaus! Inordinate.”

The glassy look in his eyes slipped away and confusion screwed his features.

“Vi? What-” Violet cut him off.

“Not here.” She looked around for someone. “Lets go.”

They ended up in one of the more stable of the buildings which had been burned down, or rather it didn’t look like it would crush them at any moment. Violet had quickly explained what she saw to Klaus and Sunny, how Orwell had strapped Klaus down and hypnotized him. 

“I don’t know how to feel.” Klaus admitted. “I don’t remember it and I was there.”

Sunny pat his shoulder. “I don’t understand why though. What does Dr. Orwell have to gain from hypnotizing you?” Violet asked. 

“Olaf.” Sunny said.

“I didn’t see Olaf.” Violet said.

“I did.” Sunny said.

She had, while her siblings were with Dr. Orwell, Sunny had looked through the window into the waiting room and had seen a woman sitting at a desk. It had taken a little while but Sunny eventually figured out why her beady eyes and cruel smile felt familiar. It was Count Olaf, sitting at a desk which had the nameplate Shirley on it. Olaf hadn’t done much, mostly sat at the desk trying to balance a pen on top of another pen, but Sunny had been terrified.

“So Dr. Orwell and Count Olaf are working together.” Klaus said. “But I still don’t understand why they hypnotized me? I mean they could have just grabbed me and ran off.”

“Klaus!” Violet felt sick at that thought.

“It’s true, according to you I was completely complacent. Why did he send me back?” Klaus said.

“Maybe he wants Violet?” Sunny offered. 

“How would hypnotizing Klaus help get me?” Violet didn’t get it.

Sunny just shrugged. “Sleep on it?” She offered.

It was late, they had probably missed dinner at that point, but no one was thinking about that. Violet and Klaus agreed that they were all tired and confused and a good night of sleep would probably do some good for figuring out their situation. By the time that the Baudelaires got back to the bunks there was no one up and all the lights were turned off so the three carefully crept along the room to their bunks and went to bed.

The next morning Phil woke the three of them up before the foreman came in with pots.

“Baudelaires! Good morning!” Phil was beaming even though his leg was in a cast.

“Good morning Phil, how are you feeling?” Violet asked sleepy from the top bunk.

"Oh, perfectly fine," Phil said. "My leg hurts, but nothing else does. I'm really quite fortunate. But enough about me. There's a memo that was left for you. Foreman Flacutono said it was very important."

He handed her a piece of paper with the word ‘Baudelaire’ typed on the front, Violet flipped the paper open and found a note which read: 

To: The Baudelaire Orphans   
From: Sir   
Subject: Today's Accident   
I have been informed that you caused an accident this morning at the mill that injured an employee and disrupted the day's work. Accidents are caused by bad workers, and bad workers are not tolerated at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill. If you continue to cause accidents I will be forced to fire you and send you to live elsewhere. I have located a nice young lady who lives in town who would be happy to adopt three young children. Her name is Shirley and she works as a receptionist. If the three of you continue to be bad workers, I will place you under her care. 

“Thanks Phil.” Violet said in a small voice, Olaf’s plan unfolding before her eyes.

“Why, you are welcome.” He said with a smile before hobbling away.

“What does it say, Violet?” Klaus asked.

“That if we cause any more accidents then Sir will give us to Olaf.” Violet said.

“Sir can’t give us to anyone.” Klaus countered. “He isn’t our guardian, worse case scenario we call Mr. Poe and he comes and gets us.”

“I suppose.” The foreman came in cutting off the conversation and started to bang pots together. The children got ready and headed to the mill, because the stamping machine was still broken the workers had to paint Lucky Smells Lumbermill onto each stack of boards, which caused issues as half the works kept spelling Lucky Smell Lubermill and it had to be repainted. Throughout the day the foreman kept calling out lucky to Klaus forcing Violet to stop and say inordinate. The foreman was getting increasingly frustrated as he realized that the Baudelaires had figured out what was happening and he couldn’t force Klaus to cause problems. At several points he tried to trip Klaus again to break his glasses but he finally learned to dodge him.

It was lunch when the children were able to pick their conversation back up.

“Maybe we should call Mr. Poe.” Violet was worried, even if Klaus wasn’t hypnotized. 

“Olaf still found us.” Sunny pointed out.

“How did he even do that? I mean do we have any chance if he can find us when we run away?” Klaus filled with his glasses and wished there was an easy solution to their problems.

“And I don’t really want to go to boarding school.” Violet remembered how Poe said if they caused anymore trouble that's where he would send them.

“Yeah me either.” Klaus agreed. “But here isn’t really working.”

Their lunch break ended and the children resumed their work. Violet was helping tie knots and Sunny was cutting the extra string off, Klaus had been appointed to spell checking the boards as he had caught the first few misspellings. Also as the workers were a little hesitant to let him operate the machinery again to the displeasure of Foreman Flacutono. The day ended fairly quickly but as the children tried to leave the foreman called them back.

“Baudelaires! Get over here!” He was by the log cutting machine.

“Yes, Foreman Flacutono?” Violet was polite even though she didn’t particularly want to be, but she felt a responsibility to try and set good examples for her siblings.

“You twerps don’t just get to gallivant off, your brother broke an expensive piece of machinery.” It felt like an excuse, probably because it was.

“What do you want us to do?” Violet grit out, it was harder to be polite all the sudden.

“You need to take all the string scraps and put them in the furnace to burn tomorrow.” He pointed at the large pile of scraps sitting on the floor. “You’re dismissed after that.”

He walked away after that leaving the three Baudelaires to get to work. Sunny gathered up all the scraps, Klaus moved her piles to Violet, and Violet placed them into the furnace. It was about 30 minutes after the foreman had left that Klaus bent down to pick up a pile and stood back up. And then fell down.

“Klaus!” Violet ran to her brother who was laying on his back.

“Give me a minute.” He sounded wheezy.

“Are you okay?” Violet asked.

He was blinking a lot. “Oh I can’t see.” Violet’s blood ran cold.

“What?” She said.

“Did I eat while I was hypnotized?” Klaus slowly sat up with his sister's help.

“No you missed dinner.” Violet said.

“Fuck.” Klaus felt it was appropriate. 

“Klaus!” Violet didn’t. 

“I haven’t eaten in 3 days.” He admitted. 

“Sunny go see what time it is.” Violet commanded. “Have you drank anything?”

“I’m not sure, I think I’d probably be worse off if I hadn’t drank anything for 3 days though.” Klaus said.

“It’s 4:45.” Sunny said, crawling back in from outside.

“Dinner is in 15 minutes, I’ll finish this up and we’ll get some food in you, okay?” Violet said.

“Okay.” Klaus laid back down.

“There isn’t much left.” Violet was right the children had gotten most of the string, there were only two piles left to put in which she did quickly. Violet then led Klaus to the kitchen even though he said it was unnecessary, however when she tried to give him her full portion he actually stopped her.

“If I didn’t eat last night then neither did you.” He pointed out.

“Klaus-” Violet started.

“Listen Vi, we can’t just be handing starvation back and forth like a baton. Eat your food.” Klaus said.

“Fine but I’m giving you half.” She pushed half of her meatloaf onto his plate. The children were tired and still fairly hungry as the portions weren’t very big and you couldn’t get seconds, so they went to bed right after dinner. 

Violet woke up to a door shutting, she was about to go back to sleep but she felt that she should check on Klaus as Sunny was still next to her. And Klaus was gone. Violet quickly grabbed her shoes and Sunny and raced barefoot out of the building. She could just barely see Klaus and another figure entering into the mill.

She quietly entered the building and saw Klaus was being instructed to the saw machine which had something tied on it.

“Is that Charles?” Violet asked her sister, trying to remember the man who had failed to stop Sir from hiring child labor.

“Yeah.” Sunny said.

“Lucky Boy,” Foreman Flacutono said. “Start the machine.”

“But that will cut him in half?” Violet said. “OH.”

Violet rushed over to where the two of them were, leaving Sunny by the door.

“Inordinate!” She shouted.

Klaus looked confused as a struggling Charles tried to shake his head no, as his mouth was taped shut.

“You little menace!” The foreman said. “Lucky Boy, make Charles into human boards.” He turned to Violet. “You little twerps have been fortunate avoiding my boss' clutches, but one more accident and you'll be ours, and this will be the worst accident the lumber mill has ever seen!”

“Lucky boy turn off the machine.” Violet ignored the foreman. “Inordinate.”

“Can we please stop hypnotizing me, it’s giving me a headache.” Klaus said.

Olaf and Dr. Orwell entered the building, walking straight past Sunny. “Have you handled our issue yet?” Olaf asked before seeing Violet. “Why’s the girl here?”

“The kids figured out the hypnosis.” The foreman said. “Including the off word.”

“It’s not called- whatever.” Dr. Orwell said. “How did you figure it out.”

“I went with Klaus to the second appointment.” Violet said.

“I didn’t see you though.” Orwell looked at Olaf who nodded no.

“Yeah that was the point.” Violet said.

“Well the brats don’t need to be hypnotized to cause an accident. Hell they don’t even need to cause the accident.” Olaf said.

“There will be no accident!” Klaus moved to push Charles off the saw.

“Oh no you don’t.” The foreman pushed back.

Violet moved forward to help her brother and Olaf moved to help Flacutono, but it took him a little longer as he was still in heels. Dr. Orwell watched unimpressed as two grown men fought with two children.

“Oh for god’s sake.” She said walking forward. “They’re children. I'll handle this.”

And she pulled out a sword. All four of them paused as to where in the work she was hiding it which gave Orwell the time needed to swing the sword down towards Charles. Except instead of Charles the sword was caught in the mouth of one Sunny Baudelaire.

“I was wondering where the baby was.” Olaf said.

“Are you sword fighting a baby?” She was, and Sunny wasn’t losing. “Are hallucinations a side effect of hypnosis?”

“Well I haven't been hypnotized and I'm seeing Sunny fight a woman with a sword.” Violet answered her brother. 

The four watched before suddenly remembering that they were fighting over Charles. As Olaf and Foreman Flacutono pushed one way and Violet and Klaus pushed the other, Sunny continued to fight, and while she was holding her own Sunny was still a baby. Georgina had finally got Sunny pinned down with her foot and brought her sword up when the door opened and Sir walked into the room. 

"What in the world is going on?" he barked, and Dr. Orwell turned to him, absolutely surprised. When people are surprised, they sometimes take a step backward, and taking a step backward can sometimes lead to an accident.

It should be noted that the Baudelaires had to put all that string into a furnace because every morning at 4am Phil wakes up and walks into the mill and lights the furnace, so the building will be warm when the workers come in at 8, but the building won’t be smoky as it would be if he lit is a little later. And at that moment it was 5:37am the fire was going strong.

So when Dr. Orwell took a step back; it should be noted that it was right into the blazing furnace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book 9 is kinda the worst book and I'm so glad I'm almost done writing it. I'm so excited for Quigley.


	19. Of course the administration sucks

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were sitting in Sir’s office as the police, Mr. Poe, and Sir himself tried to figure out what had happened. Of course none of them had thought to ask the children so instead they were sitting there eating apple slices that Charles had brought as a thank you for saving his life. It was about noon and the children had been sitting there for hours, Violet had taken apart a clock 3 times, Klaus had almost finished reading a book about hypnosis that the late Dr. Orwell gifted the mill, and Sunny was biting through most of Sir’s chair legs so it would break as soon as he sat on it. 

Though from the hypnosis books in Dr. Orwell’s office, Olaf having been discovered before running away, and the fact that the foreman, who had been the bald man, had kept a diary which had told of all the events that transpired the past few days the police, Mr. Poe, and Sir were able to piece together what had happened.

That didn’t stop the Baudelaires from getting lectured, though.

“Really children? Running away? Is that what your parents would have wanted? You know what don’t answer that I know it isn’t as they left instructions to me to find you a home not to release you into the world to go find lumber mill jobs. You are lucky that nothing happened to you, most runaways end up addicted to drugs or dead.” Mr. Poe didn’t let the children get a word in edgewise or else Violet might have said that something did happen, Klaus got hypnotized. But that might have proven his point.

The children got herded into Mr. Poe’s car after being told off to spend another night at his home before they would be shipped off to a boarding school as the rest of their distant relatives didn’t want to take them after what had happened to Monty and Josephine. Klaus couldn’t blame them really, their track record, even if not their fault, wasn’t great. But he still wasn’t sure how to feel about a boarding school, the Baudelaire parents never sent their children to school due to the whole power situation. It would be hard to explain if Violet disappeared during recess or Klaus started to float while gym class was happening. And of course they were old enough for that to not be an issue but Klaus was still nervous.

Violet was a little more hopeful but not much, she had always wanted more friends but that had been hard with the homeschooling. Klaus was still unconvinced even after Violet pointed this out.

“Don’t be a downer, maybe you’ll like it.” Violet said.

“Oh I hate it here.” Klaus said as soon as Mr. Poe left them to find the administrative building. He had promised that they would be safe here due to the school’s advanced computer which would keep Olaf out by scanning anyone who entered. The children weren’t convinced it would be enough but Mr. Poe is hard to argue with and they didn’t really see a purpose in doing so.

“Why do you hate it? We've been here for all of 5 minutes.” Violet asked. They were walking through a series of matching buildings, they all resembled gravestones. “Besides I would think this place would be right up your alley.” 

“There aren’t any dead people here.” Klaus said. “I mean I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t want to spend eternity here either, but it’s weird.”

“How so?” Violet didn’t really think about what places were haunted or not. “I’m sure plenty of places don’t have ghosts.”

“No most places have them. Our house, Olaf’s, Monty’s, Josephine's, even Paltryville had the shadow people.” Klaus listed each place on his fingers.

“Stop, stop, stop.” Violet turned to look at her brother. “Shadow people?”

“You know, like your shadow. They don’t talk and I can’t really make out features and I’ve definitely mentioned them.” Violet and Sunny both shook their heads no. “Whoops. Whatever, they just lurk by walls almost everywhere has them.”

“What are they?” Violet tried again.

“Oh.” Klaus said. “I don’t know.”

“What?”

“Best guess they’re people who stayed ghosts too long.” Klaus shrugged. “It’s not like I can look any of this stuff up.”

They had started walking again. “But I thought that mean ghosts were the ghosts that stayed too long.” Violet said.

“Well some ghosts are mean because they were mean people, and some ghosts are mean because they are ghosts too long, and maybe some ghosts become shadow people regardless of if they are mean.” Klaus was frustrated. He didn’t know. There wasn’t anyone to ask and most ghosts don’t answer trivia.

Violet wanted to ask more, she had always avoided talking about her brother’s power. Violet never found death all that interesting, even if she wasn’t as afraid of it as other people. But they had gotten to a building with the words administration on its front door. The three of them pushed the large doors open and were instructed to sit in front of Vice Principal Nero’s door and wait for him. Violet wanted to ask more questions but she didn’t want anyone to hear her so she chose another topic.

“What did those words say, the memento more-y?” Violet asked.

“Motto.” Sunny said.

“The school motto?” Sunny nodded at Violet’s clarifying question.

“It’s Latin. And it’s Memento Mori, it means ‘Remember you will die’.” Klaus said.

“Dark.” Sunny said and her siblings nodded in agreement.

“Does he know we are coming?” Klaus asked as the horrid violin playing seemed to get louder as the children sat outside the Vice Principal’s door.

“He must.” Violet said. “Mr. Poe called.”

“Knock?” Sunny said, making the movement with her hand. 

“I’ll do it.” Violet had to knock very hard and at length, in order to be heard over the atrocious violin recital going on inside, but at last the wooden door opened with a creak and there stood a tall man with a violin under his chin and an angry glare in his eyes. He was in a rumpled, brown suit and he wore a red tie with snails on. He was almost completely bald, but he had four tufts of hair, which he had tied into little pigtails with some old rubber bands.

"Who dares interrupt a genius when he is rehearsing?" he asked, shouting at the three children.

“The Baudelaires?” Klaus said. "Mr. Poe said to come right to Vice Principal Nero's office." 

"Mr. Poe said to come right to Vice Principal Nero's office," Nero, probably, mimicked in a high, shrieky voice. "Well, come in, come in, I don't have all afternoon."

The office was tiny, there was only a small metal desk with a small metal chair behind it and a small metal lamp. Every surface was covered in sheet music and Klaus could tell that some of it was for other instruments. The only other object in the room was a shiny computer, which sat in a corner of the room, also covered in music.

"Ladies and gentlemen," the man who the children thought was Nero announced in a loud voice, "Vice Principal Nero!" 

There was a pause, and the three children looked all around the tiny room, wondering where Nero had been hiding all this time. They turned back to the man who was not Nero apparently, who had his hands up, his violin and bow almost touching the ceiling, and Violet realized that the man he had just introduced so grandly was himself.

"It is traditional," definitely Nero said sternly, "to applaud when a genius has been introduced." 

Klaus raised his eyebrows at his sister and gave a golf clap which Violet mimicked. Sunny didn’t clap, not because she didn’t realize she should, but because she could get away with not doing it. 

The man seemed mollified at the weak claps. "Thank you very much, and welcome to Prufrock Preparatory School, blah blah blah" Nero rolled his eyes at the formalities he had to do. "I'm certainly doing Mr. Poe a favor in taking on three orphans at such short notice. He assured me that you won't cause any trouble, but I did a little research of my own. You've been sent to legal guardian after legal guardian, and adversity has always followed. 'Adversity' means 'trouble,' by the way." 

“In our case,” Klaus said. “Adversity means Count Olaf. He is literally the cause of all of our troubles with our guardians.”

"He was the cause of all the trouble with our guardians," Nero said with a mocking voice. "I'm not interested in your problems, quite frankly. I am a genius and have no time for anything other than playing the violin. It's depressing enough that I had to take this job as vice principal because not a single orchestra appreciates my genius. I'm not going to depress myself further by listening to the problems of three bratty children. Anyway, here at Prufrock Prep there'll be no blaming your own weaknesses on this Count Olaf person. Look at this."

Vice Principal Nero walked over to the computer and pressed two buttons over and over again. The screen lit up with a light green glow, as if it were seasick. Nero pressed another button and a picture of Olaf popped up.

"This is an advanced computer," Nero said. "Mr. Poe gave me all the necessary information about the man you call Count Olaf, and I programmed it into the computer, and now that the advanced computer knows about him, you don't have to worry.”

He sounded really sure of himself but the children weren’t convinced. "But how can a computer keep Count Olaf away?" Klaus asked, unimpressed. "He could still show up and cause trouble, no matter what appears on a computer screen." 

"I shouldn't have bothered trying to explain this to you," Vice Principal Nero said. "There's no way uneducated people like yourself can understand a genius like me. Well, Prufrock Prep will take care of that. You'll get an education here if we have to break both your arms to do it. Speaking of which, I'd better show you around. Come here to the window." 

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny shared an unimpressed look and walked to the window. There was a brown lawn with children running across it, but besides that there was nothing the children hadn’t seen walking in.

"Now, this building you're in is the administrative building. It is completely off-limits to students. Today is your first day, so I'll forgive you, but if I see you here again, you will not be allowed to use silverware at any of your meals. That gray building over there contains the classrooms. Violet, you will be studying with Mr. Remora in Room One, and Klaus, you will be studying with Mrs. Bass in Room Two. Can you remember that, Room One and Room Two? If you don't think you can remember, I have a felt-tipped marker, and I will write 'Room One' and 'Room Two' on your hands in permanent ink." Klaus was getting a headache from clenching his teeth.

"We can remember," Violet said quickly. "But which classroom is Sunny's?"

Nero gave Violet a mean look. "Prufrock Preparatory School is a serious academy, not a nursery school. I told Mr. Poe that we would have room for the baby here, but we do not have a classroom for her. Sunny will be employed as my secretary."

Sunny gave an indigent squawk at that. “She’s a baby.” Violet said. “Babies are supposed to have jobs.”

"Babies aren't supposed to have jobs " Nero mimicked. “Didn’t Poe find you three working at a mill.”

“That was definitely illegal though.” Klaus pointed out.

“That was definitely illegal though.” The mimicking was getting annoying. "Well, babies aren't supposed to be at boarding schools, and nobody can teach a baby anything, so she'll work for me. All she has to do is answer the phone and take care of paperwork. It's not very difficult, and it's an honor to work for a genius, of course. Now, if either of you are late for class, or Sunny is late for work, your hands will be tied behind your back during meals. You'll have to lean down and eat your food like a dog. Of course, Sunny will always have her silverware taken away, because she will work in the administrative building, where she's not allowed." 

Violet wanted to shout about how that wasn’t fair but no one cared about fair apparently and now she was getting a headache.

Nero waited a moment, expecting an outburst he can make fun of. When none happened he moved on. "The stone building over there contains the cafeteria. Meals are served promptly at breakfast time, lunchtime, and dinnertime. If you're late we take away your cups and glasses, and your beverages will be served to you in large puddles. That rectangular building over there, with the rounded top, is the auditorium. Every night I give a violin recital for six hours, and attendance is mandatory. The word 'mandatory' means that if you don't show up, you have to buy me a large bag of candy and watch me eat it. The lawn serves as our sports facility. Our regular gym teacher, Miss Tench, accidentally fell out of a third-story window a few days ago, but we have a replacement, who should arrive shortly. In the meantime, I've instructed the children just to run around as fast as they can during gym time. I think that just about covers everything. Are there any questions?"

“Where do we live?” Violet was a little too fed up to be polite. 

“Where do we live?” Klaus considered adding a ghost to the campus. "We have a magnificent dormitory here at Prufrock Prep. You can't miss it. It's a gray building, entirely made of stone and shaped like a big toe. Inside is a huge living room with a brick fireplace, a game room, and a large lending library. Every student has his or her own room, with a bowl of fresh fruit placed there every Wednesday. Doesn't that sound nice?"

“Yes.” Klaus said carefully, it felt like a trap.

“Well you won't be living there.” It was. “In order to live in the dormitory, you must have a permission slip with the signature of a parent or guardian. Your parents are dead, and Mr. Poe tells me that your guardians have either been killed or have fired you." 

"But surely Mr. Poe can sign our permission slip," Violet said. 

"He surely can not," Nero replied. "He is neither your parent nor your guardian. He is a banker who is in charge of your affairs." 

"But that's more or less the same thing," Klaus protested. 

"That's more or less the same thing," Nero mimicked. "Perhaps after a few semesters at Prufrock Prep, you'll learn the difference between a parent and a banker. No, I'm afraid you'll have to live in a small shack, made entirely of tin. Inside there is no living room, no game room, and no lending library whatsoever. You three will each have your own bale of hay to sleep on, but no fruit. It's a dismal place, but Mr. Poe tells me that you've had a number of uncomfortable experiences, so I figured you'd be used to such things." 

“Now get out, I have to practice and your sad little orphan faces make that hard.” Nero pushed them out the door, ignoring any argument to let them stay in a dorm. And as the children went to walk away they heard a little laugh coming from inside the office, as though their suffering was the funniest thing Nero had ever heard.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me putting my rare pairs into this fic. Anyways i'm not going to actually tag any of the relationships because I don't want this to be a super shippy fic you know. Like there will be the canonical type relationships and crushes but I do mostly want to keep this gen.


	20. New Friends

Violet and Klaus’ first day of school was odd, of course the siblings had never been to school before but they had thought that most people learned more than one subject. Mr. Remora only told terrible stories that they were expected to copy down, and Mrs. Bass just brought out random objects to measure which also didn’t feel like normal english and math units. It didn’t help that their sleeping quarters were less than great, there weren't any beds, just piles of hay. The ceiling was also dripping fungus and there were crabs, actual crabs, that pitched them all night. By the time lunch came around the children were more than ready for a break.

After picking Sunny up from outside the administrative building the siblings made their way to the cafeteria. It was a fairly standard cafeteria but the children didn’t know that so to them it was incredibly impressive. They thought the rows and rows of tables couldn’t possibly be needed, how many students were there? And the amount of food was more than any of the children had seen in their entire lives. The stunned Baudelaires got into a long line of children and waited their turn for the metal masked person to scoop lasagna onto ugly plastic trays and hand it wordlessly to the children. After receiving their lasagna, the orphans walked further down the line and helped themselves to green salad, which was waiting for them in a bowl the size of a very large bowl. Next to the salad was a mountain of garlic bread, and at the end of the line was another metal-masked person, handing out silverware to the students who had not been inside the administrative building. 

They weren’t sure why the lunch ladies were wearing masks, Violet thought that it could be for protection, Klaus thought it could be for hygiene, Sunny thought that maybe it was to be intimidating. They were quite intimidating, especially the one that glared at Sunny who hadn’t even tried to reach for silverware. As the Baudelaires walked down the isles of tables, all of which were very full, they couldn’t think of where to sit. Violet eventually spotted an empty spot next to a girl with red, curly hair, and who was out of uniform and was wearing a bright pink dress.

They made a few steps towards the girl when she cried. "Don't even think of eating around here, you cakesniffers! Nobody wants to have lunch with people who live in the Orphans Shack!”

"I'm terribly sorry," Klaus said, although he wasn't terribly sorry at all. "I didn't mean to disturb you."

She didn’t accept the apology and instead started slamming her silverware on the table and chanting “cake sniffing orphans in the orphan shack!” which caused those around to join in.

"Oh, leave them alone, Carmelita!" a voice cried over the chanting.

The Baudelaires looked to see who had come to their defense. It was a boy with dark hair and dark eyes, if they had to guess the Baudelaires would say he looked about 13. "You're the cakesniffer, and nobody in their right mind would want to eat with you anyway. Come on," the boy said, turning to the Baudelaires. "There's room at our table." 

They followed the boy to a table in the back of the room where a girl who looked exactly like the boy was sitting. “Thank you.” Violet said to the boy who sat next to who they guessed was his sister.

"I'm Violet Baudelaire," said Violet, "and this is my brother, Klaus, and our baby sister, Sunny." 

"It's nice to meet you," said the boy. "My name is Duncan Quagmire, and this is my sister, Isadora. And the girl who was yelling at you, I'm sorry to say, was Carmelita Spats." 

"She didn't seem very nice," Klaus said.

"That is the understatement of the century," Isadora said. "Carmelita Spats is rude, filthy, and violent, and the less time you spend with her the happier you will be." 

"Read the Baudelaires the poem you wrote about her," Duncan said to his sister. 

"You write poetry?" Klaus asked, his eyes lit up.

"Just a little bit," Isadora said modestly. "I write poems down in this notebook. It's an interest of mine." 

"Sappho!" Sunny said. Klaus choked and said, “Yep that sure was a poet Sunny.”

"It's a very short poem," Isadora said. "Only two rhyming lines." 

“That’s a couplet!” It was a well known fact in the Baudelaire household that Klaus loved poetry. He had gotten it from his father.

"Yes, I know," Isadora said smiling at how enthusiastic Klaus was, and then read her poem, leaning forward so Carmelita Spats would not overhear: "I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats, than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats." 

“That was great.” Violet said, giggling. “I like the bit about bats.”

“Do you three like poetry?” Isadora asked.

“Klaus does. Our father did too.” Violet said.

“Did?” Duncan asked.

“He passed recently, it was fire.” Violet gave a kind smile but her voice was sad. “Our mother died too.”

“Oh I’m sorry.” Duncan said. “Our parents passed recently in a fire too.”

“It’s awful to miss your parents so much, isn’t it?” Isadora asked.

Sunny nodded and said, “yes.”

"For a long time," Duncan admitted, "I was afraid of any kind of fire. I didn't even like to look at stoves." 

Violet smiled. "We stayed with a woman for a while, our Aunt Josephine, who was afraid of stoves. She was afraid that they might explode." 

"Explode!" Duncan said. "Even I wasn't afraid of that. Why aren't you staying with your Aunt Josephine now?" 

“She was murdered.” Klaus said this as though it was a normal reason to no longer live with someone.

Violet interjected as the Quagmires looked taken back. “To be honest our lives have been quite topsy-turny for a while now.”

"I'm very sorry to hear it," Duncan said, "and I wish I could tell you that things will get better here. But between Vice Principal Nero playing the violin, Carmelita Spats teasing us, and the dreadful Orphans Shack, Prufrock Prep is a pretty miserable place." 

“Who even named it the orphan shack?” Klaus asked before him and Isadora said, “Carmelita.” at the same time. “Yeah, of course.”

“She is an unpleasant person,” Violet admitted. “But she isn’t really a problem. There are crabs and fungus.”

“Mmm.” Isadora though for a moment. “Well when we lived there the crabs were afraid of loud noises.”

Duncan flipped through his notebook to a page with a little crab etched in at the top. “Yes, they cowered back at loud noises.”

Violet had tied back her hair, at the sibling’s questioning glazes Klaus said, “She’s just thinking.”

"How about noisy shoes?" Violet said suddenly. "If we took small pieces of metal and glued them to our shoes? Then wherever we walked would make a loud noise, and I bet we'd hardly ever see those crabs."

“Brilliant!” Isadora said with a soft smile.

"Noisy shoes!" Duncan said. "Isadora and I lived in the Orphans Shack all that time and never thought of noisy shoes!" He wrote down noisy shoes into his notebook.

"I do have a list of fungus books that are in the school library, if you need help with that tan stuff on the ceiling." Duncan continued.

“That would be great.” Klaus was relieved, this school seemed terrible but maybe things would turn out alright.

"We'd love to see the library," Violet said. "It sure is lucky that we ran into you two twins." The mood dropped suddenly after Vilet’s words, both the Quagmire’s faces fell.

"What's wrong?" Klaus asked. "Did we say something that upset you?" 

"Twins," Duncan said, so softly that the Baudelaires could barely hear him. 

"You are twins, aren't you?" Violet asked. "You look just alike." 

"We're triplets," Isadora said sadly. 

"I'm confused," Violet said. "Aren't triplets three people born at the same time?" 

"We were three people born at the same time," Isadora explained, "but our brother, Quigley, died in the fire that killed our parents." 

“Oh we’re sorry.” Klaus said. “We didn’t know you weren’t twins. I’m very sorry for your loss.”

“It’s alright.” Isadora gave a sad smile. “"There's no way you could have known. Come on, if you're done with your lunch we'll show you the library."

“And maybe find some metal for noisy shoes.” Duncan added.

The five of them put away their trays and went to the library, it was another building that looked the same on the outside as the rest of the buildings. It was nicer on the inside, though it was obvious that not many people ever stepped foot in the building. The large bookshelves were covered in dust and the curtains were drawn, keeping the room dim and cool. The chairs were a dark brown which might have had a pattern on them at one point but had faded years before the children arrived at the school. There were some brass lamps in the shape of fish, in an arrangement of colors from blue to red to yellow, and a series of sizes from smaller than Violet’s hand to larger than her torso. 

Duncan led them to the natural science portion of the library, row 500. It took a few minutes but the children eventually collected all the books on fungus. There was no librarian so they wrote the books and their names in the small book sitting on the checkout desk and left to go back to their other classes, or rather the same singular class. The Baudelaires were glad to have made their friends, Klaus shared a class with Isadora and Violet shared with Duncan. Sunny shared no classes but she still found herself in better spirits after having met the Quagmire triplets.

Sunny was bad at her job, which isn’t exactly fair as she is a baby. However one prerequisite to being a secretary is being able to speak english, and besides a few works Sunny didn’t really speak much besides babbling. Didn’t stop her from thinking terrible things about Nero, words that she would never let Violet hear, but the actual spoken word escaped her. Her garbled hellos confused many orchestras calling to reject Nero and other school vice principals who Nero gossiped with. Sunny was also quite bad at typing, spelling is also a prerequisite to being a secretary. She could staple though, small mercies. Too small actually as when Sunny’s staple supply was running low Nero refused to give her more. So Sunny, with the help of Isadora, was bending pieces of metal into staple-ish shapes in the orphan shack.

“It sucks that we don’t have weekends.” Duncan complained while throwing salt on the ceiling. “Who’s grand idea was it to make the school week 7 days long?”

“We had school everyday.” Klaus said, smacking his shoe on the ground to embed the pieces of metal.

“Really?” Duncan asked.

“We were homeschool.” Violet said. “And we dictated most of what we learned, besides things such as english and math.”

“That’s cool.” Isadora turned to Violet who was leafing through the other books to see if there was anything more effective than salt to get rid of the fungus. “Why were you homeschooled?”

Klaus and Violet shared a look before Klaus said, “Violet was a biter as a kid.”

“Klaus!” It was true, when she was 5. Violet had outgrown it before she would have gone to school. “Our parents just wanted to spend more time with us.”

The Quagmires were giggling. “And you deserved to be bit Klaus.”

“I was 3!” Klaus cried.

“A 3 year old who deserved to be bit.” Klaus’ affronted face sent the rest of the children over the edge. By the time the Baudelaires and Quagmires calmed down it had been a few minutes and Duncan and Isadora would have to go soon. It was decided to keep the books in the Quagmire room so no crabs or fungus ruined them, so with arms full the triplets bid goodbye to their friends and started walking towards the dorms. But before they could make it more than two steps Nero arrived and called them back.

“Orphans!” It was rude and annoying but the Baudelaires looked terrified and Isadora couldn’t think of what would cause it. "The new gym teacher has arrived, and he was interested in meeting our orphan population before my concert began. Apparently orphans have excellent bone structure or something. Isn't that what you said, Coach Genghis?" 

“Oh yes.” The man was skinny and tall. Isadora didn’t particularly care for his outfit, it was a sweatsuit, like one a gym teacher would wear, and he had on some running shoes which went up to his ankle. On his head there was a jeweled turban that fell over his eyebrows. 

"Children," Nero said, "get over here and say hello to Coach Genghis." 

"Hello, Coach Genghis," Duncan said. 

"Hello, Coach Genghis," Isadora said. 

They both shook his hand and all four of them turned to the Baudelaires, Violet had a look of hate on her face, Klaus looked vaguely sick, and Sunny was ready to actually show the Quagmires a biter. Violet grit her teeth and stood in front of her siblings and said in a cold voice, “how do you do, Coach Genghis.” His name was practically spit out.

Klaus gave out a very small, “hello.” and Sunny just waved.

"It's a pleasure to meet you," Coach Genghis said, and smirked. The Baudelaires could tell he thought he had fooled them completely and was very pleased with himself. 

"What do you think, Coach Genghis?" Vice Principal Nero asked. "Do any of these orphans have the legs you're looking for?" 

“Oh yes!” Olaf was excited, he pointed at each of the Baudelaires even if Violet was blocking them. "These three children here are just what I'm looking for, all right. I have no use for these twins, however." 

"Neither do I," Nero said, either he didn’t know or didn’t care that the Quagmires were actually triplets. "Well, it's time for my concert. Follow me to the auditorium, all of you, unless you are in the mood to buy me a bag of candy." 

The auditorium was the nicest place in the school the children had been yet, the bar wasn’t exactly high but still. It was huge, with rows that were already filling with children when the group entered. The Baudelaires dragged their friends towards the back of the room and pulled them down.

"This evening," Nero announced to the audience, "I will be playing a violin sonata I wrote myself. It only lasts about a half hour, but I will play it twelve times in a row."

As Nero prepared to play the Quagmires shot the Baudelaires odd glances, and any attempts to start talk were shushed. Only once the horrible screeching started did the siblings turn to the triplets.

“Do you remember Count Olaf?” Violet said carefully. She wanted to trust that they would believe them but they had been burned too many times.

“Yes,” Duncan said. “He is that horrible man who chased you down and killed multiple guardians of yours.”

Violet was sure how to continue to not allow any confusion. “Did you notice anything off about our gym teacher?” Klaus asked when Violet didn’t talk for a while.

"Our new gym teacher looks creepy," Isadora said. 

"That's for sure," Duncan agreed. "It's that sneaky look in his eye."

“Would you believe us if we said that maybe he wasn’t a gym teacher?” Klaus asked.

“What else would h-” Isadora seemed to have an epiphany. “He’s not a gym teacher is he?”

Violet shook her head no. “Is he?” Duncan started before mouthing, “Count Olaf?”

Violet shook her head yes. “How did he find you?” Duncan asked.

“No clue. He found us when we ran away.” Klaus said. “Like he was there the day after.”

“That’s terrible!” Isadora said.

“New question.” Klaus turned to his sister. “Why’d you pretend you didn’t recognize him?”

"Yes," Isadora said. "If you told Vice Principal Nero that he was really Count Olaf, then Nero could throw the cakesniffer out of here, if you'll pardon my language." 

"Olaf's too clever for that," she said. "I knew that if I tried to tell Nero that he wasn't really a gym teacher, he would manage to wiggle out of it, just as he did with Aunt Josephine and Uncle Monty and everybody else." 

"That's good thinking," Klaus admitted. 

"Plus, if Olaf thinks that he's fooled us, it might give us some more time to figure out exactly what he's up to." 

Sunny frowned before saying, “Asiss.” Violet and Klaus knew she was saying “what about his assistants.” Violet frowned too and said, “That’s a good point. I hadn’t thought of that.”

“Huh?” Duncan said, not able to keep up with the sisters.

“Olaf’s assistants, where he goes they do too.” Klaus explains.

“Tell us more.” Duncan took out his notebook. "I'm going to write down all these details about Olaf and his troupe." 

"Why?" Violet asked. 

"Why?" Isadora repeated. "Because we're going to help you, that's why! You don't think we'd just sit here while you tried to escape from Olaf's clutches, would you?" 

"But Count Olaf is very dangerous," Klaus said. "If you try and help us, you'll be risking your lives." 

"Never mind about that," Duncan said.

Klaus looked at him for a moment, he thought of optometrists and missing hours and dead bodies. He thought about his sister hanging out a window and Violet getting married and a house collapsing into a lake. He thinks of every bad thing that has happened and wanted to mind about it a lot. But the Quagmires looked determined so Klaus swallowed harshly and reluctantly said, “Okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hit 100,000 words in my main doc! This fic is going to be longer than I thought it would be.


	21. Pep rally

The children had made a rough outline of what they would do, the Baudelaires would try to convince Nero that Olaf was Olaf and not Coach Genghis, and the Quagmires would look for his assistants. They wanted to start as soon as possible but there was a pep rally before breakfast the next morning to introduce the newest teacher so their plan was delayed a few hours.

It was being held on the sad looking field that gym happened on and Carmelita was on a chair shouting things at random people. At one point she ordered someone to do 100 jumping jacks, which had nothing to do with the pep rally. Klaus and Sunny had gotten there first as Violet was fighting over one of her shoes with a very large crab; so Klaus stood in the center of the chaos, glaring at anyone who looked like they were going to try and give him a task. At some point a very sad looking animal carrying a box filled with papers with Olaf’s face printed on them walked past.

“What is that?” Klaus asked Sunny.

Before Sunny could guess Carmelita butt in with, “Isn’t it obvious. It’s a dead horse. Our mascot.” She said it as if that was the most normal thing in the world

“Wait.” Klaus turned to Carmelita. “Why is our mascot a dead horse?”

“If you weren’t a cakesniffer then you would know.” Carmelita had her nose turned up.

“Yes but apparently I am a cakesniffer so explain.” Klaus was so, so hopeful.

Carmelita made a face and consisted for a moment before giving in. “Because you can’t beat a dead horse obviously.” 

Klaus’ eyes lit up. “Oh I love that. Thank you.” And he walked off before she could say anything else.

He ended up hanging by a pile of animal bones as it was close to where Violet would be coming from, and surely enough a few minutes later he saw Violet trugging along with messy hair. Klaus picked up Sunny and made his way over.

“So we having crab for dinner?” Klaus asked.

“No. But I got my shoe back.” She did but not unharmed, there were some deep scratches in the leather. She was about to ask where they should sit when the Quagmires called them over to a row in the back. The pep rally started after that and was boring as they had expected, they met Olaf before and weren’t very impressed the first time. The only part any of them enjoyed was when Klaus got to chant with the crowd. 

“What can’t you beat!” Carmelita called.

“A dead horse!” Everyone except Violet, Isadora, and Duncan shouted. Even Sunny gave it her best.

But the one upside was that the morning classes were canceled after a pep rally, which is probably why the school had so many as it was not mandatory attendance for teachers. The only teachers there were Olaf and Nero, but from what Isadora said Nero usually didn’t come.

“So it’s just Carmelita yelling at you in the yard?” Violet asked. “How’s that different from any other day?”

“We get to skip class.” Duncan offers, and Violet takes it. It was kinda fun, in a very cringey, awkward way that made you want to do anything else. Especially when they got handed pamphlets of Olaf’s face, talking about how great he is. But anything was better than listening to one more story told through a half eaten banana so Violet held back any complaints.

After the rally the children ate their breakfast and the Baudelaires left to go do their part of the plan. The administrative building was the same as the first day they got there, which was to say old, dusty, and ugly. They climbed the stairs to the ninth floor and knocked on Nero's door, surprised that they could not hear him practicing the violin. "Come in if you must," Nero said, and the orphans walked in. Nero had his back to the door, looking at his reflection in the window as he tied a rubber band around one of his pigtails. When he was finished, he held both hands up in the air. "Ladies and gentlemen, Vice Principal Nero!" he announced, and the children began applauding obediently. 

Nero whirled around. "I only expected to hear one person clapping," he said sternly. "Violet and Klaus, you're not allowed up here. You know that." 

"I beg your pardon, sir," Violet said, "but all three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you." 

"All three of us have something very important we need to discuss with you," Nero mocked. "It must be important for you to sacrifice your silverware privileges. Well, well, out with it. I have a lot of rehearsing to do for my next concert, so don't waste my time." 

"This won't take long," Klaus promised. He didn’t know where to start, just because the Quagmires believed them didn’t mean Nero would. "We are concerned," he continued, choosing his words very, very carefully, "that Count Olaf may have somehow managed to get to Prufrock Prep." 

"Nonsense," Nero said. "Now go away and let me practice the violin." 

"But it might not be nonsense," Violet said. "Olaf is a master of disguise. He could be right under our very noses and we wouldn't know it." 

"The only thing under my nose," Nero said, "is my mouth, which is telling you to leave." 

"Count Olaf could be Mr. Remora," Klaus said. "Or Mrs. Bass." 

"Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass have taught at this school for more than forty seven years," Nero said dismissively. "I would know if one of them were in disguise." 

"What about the people who work at the cafeteria?" Violet asked. "They're always wearing those metal masks." 

"Those are for safety, not for disguises," Nero said. "You brats have some very silly ideas. Next you'll be saying that Count Olaf has disguised himself as your boyfriend, what's his name, the triplet." 

Violet blushed. "Duncan Quagmire is not my boyfriend," she said ignoring Klaus’ mumbled “you wish”, "and he's not Count Olaf, either." 

Nero was laughing to himself throwing out possibilities of who could be Olaf. The children’s smiles were tense as Nero continued but because fearful as a voice made their presence known behind them. "Or me!" It was Olaf. The three children turned slowly, Klaus turning away from his sisters so he could mouth “fuck” before facing Olaf.

"Or you!" Nero said. "Hee hee hee. Imagine this Olaf fellow pretending to be the finest gym teacher in the country." 

“That would be funny!” Klaus’ voice was not very nice, Violet was much better at faking being polite. "Imagine if you were really Count Olaf! Wouldn't that be funny, Coach Genghis? That would mean that your turban would really be a disguise!" 

“My turban? A disguise?” He looked panicked for a moment before incorrectly assuming Klaus was joking. “Ha ha ha, that would be funny.”

“And your high shoes would be hiding your tattoo!” Violet said, fake laughter following.

Nero laughs loudly at this. “Oh can you imagine! If you were Count Olaf!”

“But of course you’re not.” Violet’s smile was sharp, “I’m sure the computer cleared you immediately.” 

“You know we never actually did the computer.” Klaus very nearly facepalmed at Nero’s words.

“Well you know Coach Genghis is obviously not Count Olaf but shouldn’t the school do it on everyone for fairness.” Klaus said.

“Mmm,” Nero considered that. “That is a good point Klaus. Coach Genghis, if you don’t mind.”

Olaf walked up to the computer, slightly more nervous.

“Wait,” Violet said. “Would he have to take off his turban and shoes for the computer to get a read on him?”

"I can't take off my running shoes, because I've been exercising and my feet smell, and I can't take off my turban for religious reasons." Olaf said calmly.

Nero looked at him. "Oh, Coach Genghis," he said, "we wouldn't ask you to violate your religious beliefs, and I certainly don't want your feet stinking up my office."

Olaf walked up to the machine, costume still on. “Coach Genghis if you wouldn’t mind me asking,” Klaus wasn’t sure this would do anything, but it was worth a shot. “What religion are you?”

“Religion?” Olaf froze.

“Your turban? You mentioned it was for religious purposes.” Klaus said.

“Ah of course,” Olaf was trying to think of something fast. “It is… Olaftian.”

“Olaftian?” Klaus could not believe it.

“Yes Olaftian.” Olaf said.

The machine beeped and the results printed out, the slip of paper had two words on it: not Olaf. Nero read this paper and nodded, he turned to the children then. "Thank you for brightening up my morning, children. Goodbye, and enjoy your day without silverware! Now, Coach Genghis, what can I do for you?" 

"Well, Nero," Olaf said, "I just wanted to give you this rose, a small gift of congratulations for the wonderful concert you gave us last night!" 

"Oh, thank you," Nero said, taking the rose out of Olaf’s hand and giving it a good smell. "I was wonderful, wasn't I?" 

"You were perfection!" Olaf said. "The first time you played your sonata, I was deeply moved. The second time, I had tears in my eyes. The third time, I was sobbing. The fourth time, I had an uncontrollable emotional attack. The fifth time-" 

The children left quickly. “Were they flirting?” Klaus asked bewildered.

“Shh, don’t think about it.” Violet pulled them out of the building. Sunny would have to come back of course, but she could wait until Olaf left. The three of them walked to the lunch room and waited in line to get their meals, and as they expected when they got to the silverware section the lunch ladies refused to give them any. The Quagmires gave them small smiles when they arrived, noting the lack of silverware. 

"Oh, don't worry about that," Isadora said when the children slid glumly into seats beside the Quagmires. "Here, Violet and I will take turns with my silverware, and you can share with Duncan, Klaus. Tell us how everything went in Nero's office." 

"Not very well," Violet admitted. "Coach Genghis got there right after we did, and we didn't want him to see that we knew who he really was."

Isadora pulled her notebook out of her pocket and read out loud to her friends, "It would be a stroke of luck if Coach Genghis were hit by a truck. " Isadora put down the notebook. "That's my latest poem. I know it's not that helpful, but I thought you might like to hear it anyway." 

"I did like hearing it," Klaus said. "And it certainly would be a stroke of luck if that happened. But I wouldn't bet on it." 

"Well, we'll think of another plan," Duncan said.

“Bats.” Sunny said. No one really got it until Carmelita skipped to the table.

"Hello, you cakesniffers," she said. "I have a message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest girl in the whole school." 

"Oh, stop bragging, Carmelita," Duncan said. 

"You're just jealous," Carmelita replied, "because Coach Genghis likes me best instead of you." 

"I couldn't care less about Coach Genghis," Duncan said. "Just deliver your message and leave us alone." 

"The message is this," Carmelita said. "The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner." 

"After dinner?" Violet said. "But after dinner we're supposed to go to Nero's violin recital." 

"That's the message," Carmelita insisted. "He said that if you don't show up you'll be in big trouble, so if I were you, Violet-" 

"You aren't Violet, thank goodness," Isadora interrupted. "Thank you for your message. Goodbye." 

"It is traditional," Carmelita said, "to give a Special Messenger a tip after she has delivered a message." 

“Would you like this pack of gum?” Klaus pulled the pack out of one of his pockets.

Violet frowned. “How long have you had that?”

He gave her a long look. “How would I know Violet?”

“Sorry.” She said.

“No.” Carmelita said. “I would not like your stupid gum! I want a real tip.”

“I’ll give a tip Carmelita. Scram!” Duncan said.

"You're just a jealous cakesniffer," Carmelita sneered, but she did walk off so they counted it as a win.

The second half of the day went by very slowly but also far too fast, and in the blink of an eye the children had to go meet Count Olaf. But before they could go Duncan and Isadora stopped them.

"We've solved your problem," the triplets sounded very confident. 

"Duncan and I have been thinking about it all day," Isadora said. "I filled up five and a half pages of my notebook writing down possible ideas, and Duncan filled up three." 

"I write smaller," Duncan explained.

“So we compared notes and found that we had similar ideas. So we sneaked away and put our plan into action." Isadora continued. 

“What plan?” Klaus asked.

"We propped open the back door of the auditorium," Duncan said. He and Isadora smiled triumphantly, the Baudelaires were confused.

"I'm sorry," Violet said after a pause. "I don't understand how propping open the back door of the auditorium solves our problem." 

"Don't you see?" Isadora asked. "We're going to sit in the back of the auditorium tonight, and as soon as Nero begins his concert, we will tiptoe out and sneak over to the front lawn. That way we can keep an eye on you and Coach Genghis. If anything fishy happens, we will run back to the concert and alert Vice Principal Nero." 

"It's the perfect plan, don't you think?" Duncan asked. "I'm rather proud of my sister and me, if I do say so myself." 

The siblings stared at each other, they were filled with joy at the thought of their friends caring so much, but at the same time this was still Count Olaf.

“Um did we mention he killed someone?” Klaus asked, genuinely unsure because if they had then what were the Quagmires thinking.

“We’ll be fine, you’re the ones in danger.” Isadora said. “And we're not frightened of Olaf. I'm confident this plan is a good one."

“Okay one, Olaf won't kill us, he wants our fortune. And two, please be afraid of Count Olaf.” Violet said.

“We aren’t scared Violet.” Duncan said.

“Okay he’s killed someone, multiple someones.” Klaus tried again.

“We will stay out of sight I promise, he will never know we are there.” Isadora insisted.

They relented at that, so the Quagmires went to the auditorium and the Baudelaires went to the field.

"You're late," Olaf said. "Your instructions were to be here right after dinner, and you're late." 

"We're very sorry," Violet said. "It took us a little longer to eat our dinner without silverware." 

"If you were smart," Genghis said, "you would have borrowed the silverware of one of your friends." 

"We never thought of that," Klaus said. He isn’t sure if Olaf is stupid or unobservant because he has never lied worse in his life. "You certainly are an intelligent man."

"Not only am I intelligent," Olaf agreed, "but I'm also very smart. Now, let's get right to work. Even stupid children like yourselves should remember what I said about orphans having excellent bone structure for running. That's why you are about to do Special Orphan Running Exercises, or S.O.R.E. for short."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Book eleven! I should have the entire fic written by the end of February and be able to give a final chapter count but my current guess is somewhere in the 60's.


	22. Test day!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do want to give a small TW for referenced child death. It's not anything worse than canon but I do want to give a little heads up.

The children were sore. Olaf had had them paint a circle in glowing paint and run laps around it for hours, up until sunrise. Even Sunny who hadn’t been able to run, so she had to crawl as fast as she could. The Baudelaires weren’t able to tell the Quagmires during breakfast, as they were sleeping through it, but at lunch they filled them in. The triplets had taken watching them in shifts so they knew most of what happened except for the end when they had to sneak back to the dorms. None of them could figure out what Olaf’s plan was, it didn’t make sense. How would running laps get him the Baudelaire fortune? But any musings were cut off by Carmelita coming up to the group.

"Hello, you cakesniffers," she said, "I have another message for you from Coach Genghis. I get to be his Special Messenger because I'm the cutest, prettiest, nicest little girl in the whole school." 

"If you were really the nicest person in the whole school," Isadora said, "you would leave us alone. But never mind, what is the message?" 

"It's actually the same one as last time," Carmelita said, "but I'll repeat it in case you're too stupid to remember. The three Baudelaire orphans are to report to the front lawn tonight, immediately after dinner." 

"What?" Klaus asked. 

"Are you deaf as well as cakesniffer?" Carmelita asked. "I said-"

"Yes, yes, Klaus heard you," Isadora said quickly. "He didn't mean that kind of 'What?' We have received the message, Carmelita. Now please go away."

“I still haven't gotten a tip.” Carmelita said, stomping her foot.

“Would you like this bird skull Sunny found?” Klaus presented said bird skull from somewhere.

Carmelita gave a high pitch scream and ran away.

“Klaus! Give me that.” Violet scolded and reached out with a napkin. “Where did Sunny even get that.”

“I don’t see how that’s your business.” Klaus said airily. 

“Well, it did get rid of her.” Isadora said.

“She’ll be back.” Duncan said. “She always comes back.”

"Not more laps! My legs are almost too sore to walk, let alone run." Violet laid her head on the table.

"Carmelita didn't say anything about more laps," Duncan pointed out. "Maybe Coach Genghis is putting his real plan into action tonight. In any case, we'll sneak out of the recital again and keep an eye on you."

"In shifts," Isadora added, nodding in agreement. "And I bet we'll have a clear picture of his plan by then. We have the rest of the day to do research." Isadora paused, and flipped open her black notebook to the right page. She read, ''Don't worry Baudelaires, don't feel disgrace - The Quagmire triplets are on the case."

"Thank you," Klaus said, giving Isadora a tired smile of appreciation. "My sisters and I are thankful for all your help. If we're lucky, all of us working together can defeat Olaf."

The Baudelaires were not often lucky, unless you are Count Olaf in which they are possibly the luckiest children in the world. The Quagmires weren’t much better, even if their fortune wasn’t sought after by a villain, they had still lost their parents and brother in a house fire. So luck wasn’t really in the cards for these children and Klaus should have known better than to jinx them. Once night fell upon the campus the Baudelaires dragged their tired, heavy limbs to the field while the Quagmires slipped out of the auditorium. And to further prove that Violet, Klaus, and Sunny weren’t lucky they were running laps again. The children felt like death themself had paid them a visit, the only upside was that they were one of the first in the cafeteria for breakfast.

The three got into line and mindlessly collected their meals, barely paying attention to the world around them. Besides a few naps throughout the day before the Baudelaires had been up for 48 hours at that point. Klaus was the only one who had ever stayed up for more than 48 hours and Sunny had never stayed up overnight before Olaf came into their lives.

As the children reached the drink sections Klaus remembered how he would stay up so long, though his parents never gave him coffee they also hadn’t done a good job of making it hard to get. When they approached the women who made sure those were late didn’t get any cups, Klaus figured they were the best to ask. He had to get rid of his sisters first though.

“You go ahead, I want to ask the lunch ladies something.” Violet nodded at her brother, too tired to question him, and walked off.

Klaus turned to the metal masks. “Do we have coffee?” She gave a slow nod and pointed to a sad little station to his right, it was one pot and a small wicker basket filled with hotel type packets of cream and sugar. “Okay. Is there a limit to how much I can drink?” She gave a slow nod no, Klaus gave a bright smile to her and said, “Thank you!” He made his way over to the cold coffee pot and filled his empty glass. He then lifted the glass to his lips and chugged the whole cup, Klaus refiled it and repeated the action. He was refiling his third cup when the students who sat near the table turned to look at him. As Klaus chugged his third glass he gave a wave at those staring. He refilled the cup once more and finished it with a grimace, and then filled the cup with water so Violet wouldn’t see any coffee remnants. He hated coffee.

Violet had a headache and the noise of the room was killing her. Violet had done an all nighter or two when she had gotten too sucked into a project, but she usually took a long nap the next day, so she was far out of her depth. The Quagmires had joined them, looking tired but nowhere near as tired as the sisters looked.

“Where’s Klaus?” Isadora asked.

“Huh?” Violet raised her head from the table, half asleep. “Oh somewhere.”

“I’m here.” Klaus sat down and started to eat his breakfast, he looked worse than he was but the fact that he looked like a corpse most of the time, according to Violet, didn’t help. That’s not to say he wasn’t doing bad but the nearly 400 mg of coffee was starting to kick in so he was nowhere near as out of it as his sisters. Breakfast was a quiet affair, they were confused and tired and no one was really up to talking at that moment.

Violet and Klaus managed to stay awake during all their classes, even if the notes they took were half assed. Lunch was another quiet meal filled with confusion and wondering over what Olaf was planning. And when at dinner Carmelita came over the children wanted to scream, they didn’t of course they had manners, but they wanted to.

“It’s not worth it for you both to stay up all night again.” Violet said. “Olaf’s just going to have us run laps.”

“We want to help.” Duncan protested.

“Running yourself ragged won’t help.” Klaus pointed out. “Get a good night's sleep, at least a few of us need to have our wits about us.”

The Quagmires reluctantly agreed that watching them run laps wasn’t really helping and decided to try and find a different way to help. 

The Baudelaires were struggling, Violet kept sleeping through classes, Sunny could barely manage to not sleep through the phone rigging, and Klaus was drinking about 1000 mg of coffee per day which really wasn’t healthy. He was actually always shaking, but of the three he was the most lucid.

“Klaus?” Isadora almost didn’t want to ask. “How are you so… lucid?” 

Klaus looked to his sisters who were definitely out. “They’re both out.” He reasoned to himself. “Isadora, I am drinking 10 cups of coffee a day. I don’t think I could physically fall asleep right now.”

“Klaus, that's really not healthy.” Duncan was far more concerned than he was a few moments ago.

“I haven’t even hit my record yet. What are we on? Day 4?” Klaus’ record was 120 hours but no one needed to know that.

The Quagmires didn’t know what to say to that so they dropped it. “Yeah day 4. 96 hours. Of no sleep.” Klaus didn’t notice how pained Isadora’s smile was.

It was five days later that the children were dragged, by Carmelita, into Nero’s office; he was sitting at his desk with Mr. Remora and Mrs. Bass standing by him, they also looked like they were dragged there. Violet was so tired that she had her head pillowed in her hand and was lazily staring at Nero, Sunny wasn’t even trying to stay awake and was fast asleep on her brother’s lap, and Klaus was sitting ramrod straight and kept glancing to the corner of the room.

"Thank you for taking the time out of your busy orphan schedule to see me," Vice Principal Nero said. “Do you know why you are here?”

Violet wasn’t going to answer anytime soon so Klaus said, “Nope!” having lost most ability to be polite on about day 6 or no sleep.

“Nope.” Nero said in a high pitched voice. “There are two things I want to ask you. The first one is that the three of you have missed nine of my violin concerts, and each of you owes me a bag of candy for each one. Nine bags of candy times three equals twenty nine. In addition, Carmelita Spats has told me that she has delivered ten messages to you, if you include the two she delivered today, and that you've never given her a tip. That's a disgrace. Now, I think a nice tip is a pair of earrings with precious stones, so you owe her ten pairs of earrings. What do you have to say about that?"

“She wouldn’t take my tips.” Klaus countered.

“Birdskulls aren’t tips.” Nero said back. “The second thing is you are the worst students that Prufrock Preparatory School has ever seen. Not to mention Sunny is a terrible assistant. Now Mr. Remora what do you have to say about Violet?”

Mr. Remora startled, as if he wasn’t expecting to have to talk. “Ah, well, she sleeps through all my classes and our last test she got every answer wrong.”

Nero looked smug at that. “And Mrs. Bass, what do you have to say about Klaus?”

“He’s a fine student.” She looked bored.

The smug look faded. “What?”

“He’s fine, if a little spacey.” Mrs. Bass said. “I do wish he would stop drawing that scary cyclops though.”

“That’s not its eye, it’s its mouth.” Klaus thought that telling them that was very important.

No one else really agreed. “Well students aren’t allowed to draw according to school rules.” Nero’s smug look came back.

“Actually Sir you removed that rule when Carmelita started turning in her homework with a pink glitter pen.” Mr. Remora said.

Seeing that he wouldn’t win that one Nero turned on Klaus. “Why are you even drawing that thing anyway.” Pointing at the weird little figure in the corner of Klaus’ workbook pages. “Is he your imaginary friend?”

“Oh no,” Klaus ignored the mocking tone of Nero’s voice. “I started hallucinating a few days ago, for the most part it’s murmuring voices and bugs in my peripherals. But Carl there sits in the corner of every room.” Klaus had lost any filter he might have had with the lack of sleep. “Whenever I’m tired I look at it and get so much anxiety that I get an adrenaline spike and I’m not tired anymore.”

Mrs. Bass and Mr. Remora looked horrified at that, but all that crossed Nero’s face was one of unhappiness. “God Klaus you’re weird.” A sleepy Violet piped up.

“Well I need you two,” Nero turned to the teachers, “to make a comprehensive test for these two,” he pointed at the Baudelaires, “and if they fail I will send them to be homeschooled by Coach Genghis.”

The children were wide awake at that last sentence. “I am not making any test,” Mrs. Bass said defiantly. “My student is not failing and I am not going to do a bunch of extra work. If your Baudelaire is failing their tasks that is your problem.”

“Fine!” Nero was mad, this day had not gone like how he had expected. “If you two fail your comprehensive tests then all three of you go to live with Coach Genghis.”

“We are not going to go live with Count Olaf!” Violet shouted.

Klaus looked at his older sister in horror. "Violet means Coach Genghis," Klaus said quickly to Nero. 

"I do not!" Violet cried. "Klaus, our situation is too desperate to pretend not to recognize him any longer!" 

"I guess you're right," Klaus said. "What have we got to lose?" 

"What have we got to lose?" Nero mocked. "What are you talking about?" 

"We're talking about Coach Genghis," Violet said. "He's not really named Genghis. He's not even a real coach. He's Count Olaf in disguise." 

"Nonsense!" Nero said. “The computer cleared him!”

“Well then maybe your computer sucks. Because if three children can spot him and it can’t then I am forced to wonder how advanced it really is!” Klaus was mad. All the Baudelaires were mad, Violet was mad that no one had stopped a teacher from forcing his students to stay up all night, and Klaus was mad that apparently no one had eyes or brains because Olaf wasn’t even that good at hiding, and Sunny was still mad that she had been made to work a job much too hard for her in the first place.

"Who am I going to believe, an advanced computer system or two children flunking school and a little baby too dumb to make her own staples? Now, stop wasting my time! I will personally oversee tomorrow's comprehensive exams, which will be given in the Orphans Shack! And you'd better do excellent work, or it's a free ride from Coach Genghis! Sayonara, Baudelaires!" Nero pushed them out.

“I’m not even failing!” Klaus shouted at the door.

Sunny was asleep in the orphan shack when Violet turned to her brother. “You said you stayed up for how long again was it?” She was worried.

“Five days.” He shot a glance at his baby sister and made sure she was asleep. “There was a… less than great ghost about a year and a half ago.”

“Less than great?” Violet pushed, Klaus never talked about the ghosts if he could help it.

“Bad. He was a bad man and it took our neighbor, Mrs. Rivers, dying before he left me alone.”

“Why?” Klaus was picking at his nails.

“She snooped around our house, she was always nosey.” Klaus gave a little chuckle. “She found him harassing me and yelled at him so hard that I think he moved on right there. Mrs. Rivers even stuck around for a few days to make sure he was gone.”

“Why didn’t you tell our parents.” Violet asked. “They could have helped.”

“No they couldn’t have Vi.” Klaus said.

“Why not?” She was pushing and she knew it, but if she didn’t push then she would never know.

“What were they supposed to do Violet?” Klaus was whisper-shouting to not wake up Sunny. “Yell at the serial killer who was telling me how he would’ve killed me if he was alive. It would’ve just hurt them.”

Violet was shocked. “What?”

“You wouldn’t sleep either.” Klaus was saved from the rest of this terrible conversation by the Quagmires arriving. Violet refused to take her eyes off her brother and they greeted Isadora and Duncan and explained what had happened. They were shocked and agreed to help however they could.

“We could run the laps for you!” Duncan said.

“Huh.” That got Violet’s attention.

“You could study and make the staples while we run the laps.” Duncan expanded.

“I can run my own laps.” Klaus said. “I’m not taking a test tomorrow.”

“Hey Klaus how tall is the shadow monster in the corner?” Violet asked.

“About 6 feet, why?” Klaus said.

“Yeah you’re sleeping. I’m worried you will literally die if you don’t get some sleep.” Violet said.

Klaus didn’t end up actually getting much sleep that night. Because Violet had to study he helped Sunny make the staples after setting up the Quagmires. For the most part it was a terrible disguise; Isadora was too short, Duncan was too tall, Sunny was a bag of flour that Violet stole from the kitchen, but it would have to do. So while the Quagmires ran, the Baudelaires prepared as best they could for the next morning. Violet forced Klaus and Sunny to bed once the staples had been made and she spent the rest of the night reading over the notes Duncan had lent her.

Nero appeared at the door of the orphan shack at about 6 in the morning, Klaus was still asleep but Sunny and Violet had been up for a while. Nero was holding a large stack of papers and had Mrs. Bass and Mr. Remora with him.

“Why did you bring Mrs. Bass? Klaus isn’t taking a test.” Violet kicked her brother to wake him up.

“Why did you bring Mrs. Bass.” Nero mimicked. “That’s none of your business. I hope you've been studying all evening because I told your teacher to make this exam extra challenging, and the pieces of paper that the baby has to staple are very thick. Well, let's get started. Mr. Remora will be asking you questions until you get an answer wrong, and then you flunk. Sunny will sit in the back and staple these papers into booklets of five papers each, and if your homemade staples don't work perfectly, then you flunk. Well, a musical genius like myself doesn't have all day to oversee exams. I've missed too much practice time as it is. Let's begin!" 

Nero threw the papers into a big heap on one of the bales of hay, and the stapler right after it. Sunny crawled over as quickly as she could and began inserting the staples into the stapler, and Klaus stood up, still clutching Duncan's notebook, and went by the teachers. And Violet sat down at the edge of the hay and Mr. Remora swallowed a bite of banana and asked his first question. 

"In my story about the donkey," he said, "how many miles did the donkey run?" 

"Six," Violet said promptly. 

"Six, " Nero mimicked. "That can't be correct, can it, Mr. Remora?" 

"Um, yes, actually," Mr. Remora said, taking another bite of banana. And it went on like that for a while, Mr. Remora would ask a question and Violet would answer, then Nero would copy the answer and say it was wrong, then Mr. Remora would say she was right. Vice principal Nero was very mad by the time the last question came around.

“What color was my shirt the first day of school?” Violet paled, she hadn’t been at Prufrock Preparatory School when the year started. At Violet’s hesitation Nero lit up.

Klaus made eye contact with Sunny and mouthed “risk it” and Sunny gave a little nod. She watched Mr. Remora frown as she dug around his mind before seeing the answer.

“Green.” Violet watched as the light faded from Nero’s eyes as Mr. Remora said she was correct.

"Nero," Mr. Remora said, "there's no use continuing this exam. Violet is a very fine student, and has obviously studied very hard." 

“And it looks like Sunny is a fine secretary as well. Look at these booklets! They're gorgeous." Mrs. Bass pointed out.

"Does this mean we get to stay at Prufrock Prep?" Violet asked.

"Oh, let them stay, Nero," Mr. Remora said. "Why don't you expel that Carmelita Spats? She never studies, and she's an awful person besides." 

"Oh yes," Mrs. Bass said. "Let's give her an extra-challenging examination." 

"I can't flunk Carmelita Spats," Nero said impatiently. "She's Coach Genghis' Special Messenger." 

"Who?" Mr. Remora asked. 

"You know," Mrs. Bass explained, "Coach Genghis, the new gym teacher." 

"Oh yes," Mr. Remora said. "I've heard about him, but never met him. What is he like?" 

"He's the finest gym teacher the world has ever seen," Vice Principal Nero said, shaking his four pigtails in amazement. "But you don't have to take my word for it. You can see for yourself. Here he comes now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The grim grotto has no need to be this hard to write.


	23. Goodbye Prufrock Prep

Olaf was coming towards the shack, and he was holding the ribbon Violet had lent Isadora and the glasses that Klaus had lent Duncan. Klaus, who had regained some sense with his nap, held his tongue as Olaf approached. Violet however was more than ready to stop the charade. 

“Where are they Olaf?” Violet’s voice made the two teachers and vice principal flinch back.

“Here they are,” he held up the objects. “I was worried you would be worried about them so I brought them right over.”

“I don’t mean our things, I mean them.” Violet said, her voice could have made hell freeze over.

“Oh?” Olaf’s face grew cold. “You mean the little twins which took your place running last night?”

“They’re triplets!” Klaus said.

"They're triplets!" Nero mocked. "Don't be an idiot. Triplets are when four babies are born at the same time, and there are only two Quagmires." 

"And these two Quagmires were pretending to be the Baudelaires, in order to give the Baudelaires extra time to study." 

"Extra time to study?" Nero said, grinning in delight. "Why, that's cheating!" 

"That's not cheating!" Mrs. Bass said. 

"Skipping gym class to study is cheating," Nero insisted. 

"No, it's just good time management," Mr. Remora argued. "There's nothing wrong with athletics, but they shouldn't get in the way of your schoolwork." 

"Look, I'm the vice principal," Nero said. "I say the Baudelaires were cheating, and therefore I can expel them. You two are merely teachers, so if you disagree with me, I can expel you, too." 

Mr. Remora looked at Mrs. Bass, and they both shrugged. "You're the boss, Nero," Mr. Remora said finally. "If you say they're expelled, they're expelled." 

"Well, I say they're expelled," Nero said. "And Sunny loses her job, too."

“I never wanted your stupid job anyways!” Sunny shouted. It came out like “Nevwat enway.”

"We don't care about being expelled," Violet said. "We want to know what happened to our friends." 

"Well, the Quagmires had to be punished for their part in the cheating," Olaf said, "so I brought them over to the cafeteria and put those two workers in charge of them. They'll be whisking eggs all day long." 

"Very sensible," Nero agreed. 

"That's all they're doing?" Klaus said suspiciously. "Whisking eggs?" 

"That's what I said," Olaf said and leaned close to the Baudelaires. "Those two Quagmires will whisk and whisk until they are simply whisked away." 

"You're a liar," Violet said. 

"Insulting your coach," Nero said, shaking his head. "Now you're doubly expelled." 

"What's this?" said a voice from the doorway. "Doubly expelled?" 

“Mr. Poe!” Klaus said. He had very rarely been glad to see Mr. Poe in the past but he was glad then. “Olaf kidnapped our friends!”

“Oh.” Mr. Poe wasn’t expecting that. “Where is Olaf then?”

“Right there.” Violet pointed to Olaf as Coach Genghis.

“No, no.” Nero said. "My advanced computer system has kept him away, of course. But the children have this bizarre notion that Coach Genghis is actually Olaf in disguise." 

"Count Olaf," Olaf said slowly. "Yes, I've heard of him. He's supposed to be the best actor in the whole world. I'm the best gym teacher in the whole world, so we couldn't possibly be the same person." 

Mr. Poe looked at Count Olaf and extended his hand, “Nice to meet you. The children do this often, Count Olaf is always where they are. And I can tell that you are most definitely not Count Olaf.”

“I would like to point out that we have never been wrong.” Violet said. "If he removes his turban and his shoes you will be able to see that he's Olaf." 

"We've been through this before," Nero said. "He can't take off his running shoes because he's been exercising and his feet smell." 

"And I can't take off my turban for religious reasons," Olaf added. 

“What was your religion again?” Klaus asked.

“Olaftia.” He said.

“I thought it was Olaftain.” Klaus said.

“That's what I said.” Olaf didn’t say that but no one else called him out.

Mr. Poe broke out into a fit of coughs before saying, “Now Coach Genghis, I’m sorry for all the trouble the children have caused you but to put their minds at ease, would you take off your running shoes?”

"Smelly feet," Mrs. Bass said, wrinkling her nose. "Ew, gross." 

"I'm afraid I cannot take off my running shoes," Olaf said, taking a step toward the door. "I need them." 

"Need them?" Nero asked. "For what?" 

"For running, of course," Olaf broke out into a sprint and ran out the door. “And don’t you think I forgot about you little brats, I’ll be back for you! But in the meantime I have two little prisoners with a very nice fortune of their own!" 

The children broke out into a sprint to follow him and Mr. Poe shouted at them to stop chasing murderers. Sunny ended up being caught by Mr. Poe, because even though she had run many laps the past few days she was still a baby and not very fast. But Violet and Klaus were not babies and were very fast, fast enough that by the time Olaf turned the bend they had gotten much closer to him. But they stumbled when they saw Isadora and Duncan being dragged to the car that was parked near the front of the school by the two white faced ladies.

"Put them in the back seat!" Olaf called. "I'll drive! Hurry!" 

"What in the world is Coach Genghis doing with those children?" Mr. Poe said a while back.

“Olaf.” Sunny hit his arm and pointed at Olaf who was very close to reaching the car. But Violet managed to tackle him and knock off his turban before moving down and trying to pull off his shoes. The adults who were just catching up gasped in shock as it became clear who Coach Genghis really was. Klaus however already knew so the reveal wasn’t shocking and he didn’t hesitate. He managed to reach the car and was trying to pull the door open, but the two white faced ladies had locked them.

"Klaus!" Duncan cried. "Listen to me, Klaus! If anything goes wrong-" 

"Nothing will go wrong," Klaus promised, picking a rock off the ground. "You'll be out of here in a second!" 

"If anything goes wrong," Duncan said again, "there's something you should know. When we were researching the history of Count Olaf, we found out something!" 

"We can talk about this later," Klaus said. “Back up.” He slammed the rock against the window, shattering it and showering the passengers in glass. Klaus dragged his sleeve over his hand and began to push more of the glass into the backseat. The two women were fighting with the Quagmires as they tried to get away and climb out of the back seat, but for their small size the women were very strong. Klaus threw the stone but missed either woman and hit the other window, cracking it. Even though it didn’t hit them the two women let go enough for Klaus to start helping Isadora out of the window, her torso was about half way out when the two women recovered enough and started holding the triplets back again. Isadora’s eyes widened as she looked past Klaus’ shoulders and suddenly she stopped trying to get away and instead pressed her note book into Klaus’ hands and said, “VFD, Klaus. Look in the notebooks.”

Klaus felt an arm wrap around his stomach and throw him away from the car, he landed a few feet away and watched as Olaf unlocked the front door and slipped into the driver’s seat. Violet reached her brother, still clutching Isadora’s notebook, right as Olaf peeled through the front gates of the school, leaving the Baudelaires behind.

“We need to go after them!” Violet whipped her head to yell at Mr. Poe and Nero. “They’re getting away!”

“We’ll call the police.” Mr. Poe tried to placate Violet. "They have an advanced computer system, too. They'll catch him. Where's the nearest phone, Nero?" 

"You can't use my phone, Poe!" Nero said. "You brought three terrible cheaters here, and now, thanks to you, my greatest gym teacher is gone and took two students with him! The Baudelaires are triple-expelled!" 

"Now see here, Nero," Poe said. "Be reasonable."

As the two continued to squabble Violet took Sunny from Mr. Poe and sat next to her brother on the ground. “What did Isadora say?”

He clutched the notebook tighter. “VFD. She said to look in the notebooks and the letters VFD.”

“What does VFD mean?” Violet asked.

“I don’t know.” Klaus said.

“Well let’s find out.” She reached out a hand for a notebook and Klaus handed her Isadora’s. He reached into his jacket and pulled out Duncan’s, but before he could open it Mr. Poe addressed the children.

“Baudelaires get up!” He was glaring angrily at Nero. “You will no longer be going to school here. And to think that I was going to give you the candy these children owed you.”

“Hey that candy’s mine!” Nero shouted.

“I am forced to wonder what they even could have done to owe you that.” It was odd to hear Mr. Poe stick up for them, but the children found it hard to appreciate. 

“They missed my nightly recital.” Nero said. “For 9 nights straight.”

“They were 6 hours long and Olaf made us miss them.” Klaus said, airing his frustrations with the situation at the group of adults who had finally caught up with the children. “We had to run laps all night for 9 nights straight because a teacher forced us to and you have the gall to punish us for missing that cacophony of nails on a chalkboard and cats being murdered that you call violin playing. We were so sleep deprived that Violet couldn’t stay awake during class and I was hallucinating and you punished us for it with the threat of expulsion and being given to a man who has tried to marry a 14 year old, not to mention the murders he’s committed. And even before Olaf came you forced us to live in a shack because we didn’t have parents to sign the permission slip to stay in the dorms. The only reason the Quagmires were in a dorm is because a new set of orphans came for you to abuse! You are a narcissistic and sadistic individual who should never be left in charge of anyone’s wellbeing muchless children’s!”

Violet was rubbing her brother’s back once he flopped back onto the ground, glaring at the group of shocked individuals staring at them. Nero’s face screwed with anger and he began to shout, “You can talk to me like that!” 

“Vice principal Nero.” Mr. Poe interrupted at about “talk”, and held up his hand. “Violet is what your brother said true?”

“Yes it is.” Violet confirmed.

“Gather your things we are leaving.” He said to the children. And it was only once they were out of ear shot that Mr. Poe turned his attention onto Nero. Of course there was nothing Mr. Poe could really do to get Nero in trouble besides inform any other executors of orphan’s estates to not send those children to Prufrock Preparatory School, but his words were enough that by the time the children came back Nero was nowhere to be found and the teachers still standing there looked cowed. The children, still exhausted from lack of sleep and the recent adrenaline crash, were easy to herd into the back seat of Poe’s car; and before even 20 minutes passed the Baudelaires were fast asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was pretty short so I will probably post another chapter tomorrow.


	24. There are so many ghosts in this apartment

Mr. Poe had been promoted to Vice President of Orphan Affairs. Of course that really meant nothing to the Baudelaires other than it would be Mr. Poe who failed to find the Quagmires rather than some other incompetent adult. Of course they could have been being a bit pessimistic but given the slew of incompetent adults the Baudelaires did have reasons to believe whoever would have been given the Quagmire case, and they were right. Why a banker was in charge of finding kidnapped children rather than the police was a whole other can of worms that the three children weren’t going to get into while standing on a street so dark they thought that it had become night when they weren’t looking.

Dark Avenue was a street in one of the richest districts in the city, the street mostly consisted of apartments, overpriced boutiques, and niche restaurants. It was also shaded by enormous trees that bathed the street in shadows, with the only lights coming from the cars driving on the road; even the buildings turned off all lights and had their curtains drawn. The Baudelaires and Mr. Poe were looking for building 667, an endeavor which was proving to be much harder than one would think it would be. Because all the lights were off they couldn't read the building numbers and had walked into the wrong place 3 times, the building to the right was 665 however so Klaus was pretty sure the building they were about to walk into was 667.

“I hope this is the place.” Mr. Poe said. "Mr. and Mrs. Squalor live in the penthouse apartment of 667 Dark Avenue. I think the door is here. " 

"No, it's over here," A voice called out. The Baudelaires jumped a little in surprise, and turned to see a man wearing a hat with a wide brim and a coat that was much too big for him. The coat sleeves hung over his hands, covering them completely, and the brim of his hat covered most of his face. "Most of our visitors find it hard to spot the door, that's why they hired a doorman." 

"Well, I'm glad they did," Mr. Poe said. "My name is Poe, and I have an appointment with Mr. and Mrs. Squalor to drop off their new children." 

"Oh, yes," the doorman said. "They told me you were coming. Come on in." 

“I am glad this is the right place, we have walked into the wrong building 3 times.” Mr. Poe was making idle chatter with the man.

“Yeah,” the doorman said sympathetically. “Dark is in.”

"In what?" Violet asked. 

"Just 'in'," the doorman explained. "Around here, people decide whether something is in, which means it's stylish and appealing, or out, which means it's not. And it changes all the time. Why, just a couple of weeks ago, dark was out, and light was in, and you should have seen this neighborhood. You had to wear sunglasses all the time or you'd hurt your eyes." 

"Dark is in, huh?" Mr. Poe said. "Wait until I tell my wife. In the meantime, could you show us where the elevator is? Mr. and Mrs. Squalor live in the penthouse apartment, and I don't want to walk all the way to the top floor."

“Elevators are out.” The doorman shrugged. 

“Oh are the elevators broken?” Violet asked. "I'm very good with mechanical devices, and I'd be happy to take a look at it." 

"That's a very kind and unusual offer," the doorman said. "But the elevator isn't out of order. It's just out. The neighborhood decided that elevators were out, so they had the elevator shut down. Stairs are in, though, so there's still a way to get to the penthouse. Let me show you." He led them to a staircase which was made of wood, with a metal banister that curved alongside. Every few steps somebody had placed more candles, so the staircase looked like nothing more than curves of flickering lights, growing dimmer as the staircase went farther and farther up, until they could see nothing at all. 

“It’s kinda pretty.” Klaus said.

“It’s creepy.” Violet disagreed, but she had never loved the dark.

"It looks like a long walk to me," Mr. Poe said, frowning. He turned to the doorman. "How many floors up does this staircase go?" 

The doorman's shoulders shrugged underneath his oversized coat. "I can't remember," he said. "I think it's forty-eight, but it might be eighty-four." 

"I didn't know buildings could be that high," Klaus said. 

“Well I simply don’t have time to climb all those stairs. You children will have to go on along without me or I will miss my helicopter.” As Vice President of Orphan Affaires Mr. Poe was leading the hunt to find the Quagmires and apparently someone had seen them on a mountain in the Hinterlands.

"We have to walk up by ourselves?" Violet said.

"You're not going to come with us?" Klaus asked. 

The children did usually want to spend time with Mr. Poe but they were feeling a little clingy at the moment, he had stood up for them with Nero. Of course that was after leaving them with Nero in the first place but I digress. 

"I simply don't have the time to accompany you," Mr. Poe said, "and that is that."

The children took a moment to accept their fate of walking up the stairs alone. "Just try to crawl as long as you can," Violet said to her sister, "and then Klaus and I will take turns carrying you. Goodbye, Mr. Poe." 

"Goodbye, children," Mr. Poe said. "If there's any problem, remember you can always contact me or any of my associates at Mulctuary Money Management; at least, as soon as I get off the helicopter."

"There's one good thing about this staircase," the doorman joked, starting to walk Mr. Poe back to the front door. "It's all uphill from here." 

And it was sure uphill, which was to say fucking exhausting. Forty-eight or eighty-four, it was far too many stairs and no amount of eavesdropping on the neighbors made the climb anymore bearable. By the time they got to floor 22 none of the Baudelaires were talking and Sunny had to be picked up. Violet and Klaus decided to trade off every 5 floors and even though Sunny’s wasn’t very heavy she could’ve been a 100 pounds for how tired the sibling’s arms were.

“I wish I could be carried.” Klaus said as Violet deposited Sunny in his arms.

“Me too.” Violet let her aching arms hang limply by her sides.

"I wish you could invent a device that could take us up the stairs," Klaus said.

“That device was made a long time ago. It’s called an elevator.” Violet said.

“But elevators are out!’ Klaus said sarcastically.

Violet, Klaus, and not Sunny walked for what felt like forever but was probably closer to an hour and a half when they finally ran out of stairs. Violet was so tired she wanted to lay on the floor, but she was too respectable for that. Her siblings however, were not.

“Klaus get off the floor.” Violet said. “Sunny I don’t even know why you are laying down, we carried you.”

“This is my home now Violet, leave me.” Klaus was muffled by the carpet.

“Come on,” she kicked him, “we have to actually go to our new home.” Violet knocked on the door and heard footsteps shuffling to the door, interrupting the sound of shuffling was a thump and a muffled exclamation of pain. Whoever was coming had probably kicked something. The door swung open and revealed a man in a pinstripe suit.

“Ah hello!” The man said. "Please come in. My name is Jerome Squalor, and I'm so happy that you've come to stay with us." 

"I'm very pleased to meet you, Mr. Squalor," Violet said, Klaus was getting up off the floor and picking up Sunny. "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny."

“You all look tired.” Jerome was pointing out the obvious. “Luckily, I can think of two things to do about that. One is that you can stop calling me Mr. Squalor and start calling me Jerome. I'll call you three by your first names, too, and that way we'll all save breath. The second thing is that I'll make you a nice, cold martini. Come right this way."

“I don’t think we can drink that Jerome.” Violet said politely. 

Oh don’t worry.” He said. “Alcoholic martinis are out. Aqueous martinis are in. An aqueous martini is simply cold water served in a fancy glass with an olive in it, so it's perfectly legal for children as well as for adults." 

"I've never had an aqueous martini," Violet said, "but I'll try one." She didn't really want to try one.

"Ah!" Jerome said. "You're adventurous! I like that in a person. Your mother was adventurous, too. You know, she and I were very good friends a ways back. We hiked up Mount Fraught with some friends, gosh, it must have been twenty years ago. Mount Fraught was known for having dangerous animals on it, but your mother wasn't afraid. But then, swooping out of the sky-" 

"Jerome, who was that at the door?" It was a woman’s voice from a room over.

“It’s the Baudelaires darling.” Jerome turned to the children. “That is Esmé my wife.”

“If anything you are my husband.” Esmé walked in and the children saw a tall woman with blonde hair, in her own pinstripe suit. "I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. And you weren’t supposed to come today.”

"Of course they are," Jerome said. "I've been looking forward to it for days and days! You know I wanted to adopt you from the moment I heard about the fire. But, unfortunately, it was impossible." 

"Orphans were out then," Esmé explained. "Now they're in." 

"My wife is always very attentive to what's in and what's out," Jerome said. "I don't care about it much, but Esmé feels differently. She was the one who insisted on having the elevator removed. Esmé, I was just about to make them some aqueous martinis. Would you like one?" 

"Oh, yes!" Esmé cried. "Aqueous martinis are in!"

She turned to look at the children for the first time. "Even though I am unbelievably wealthy, you may call me Esmé. I'll learn your names later. I'm very happy you're here, because orphans are in, and when all my friends hear that I have three real live orphans, they'll be sick with jealousy, won't they, Jerome?" 

"I hope not," Jerome said, "I don't like to hear of anybody getting sick. Well, have a seat, children, and we'll tell you a little bit about your new home." 

The children sat in 3 large pink chairs while Jerome crossed the room to make the aqueous martinis for the five of them. Violet kept adjusting as the overtly soft chair tried to swallow her, Klaus’ eyes kept darting around the room frantically, and Sunny had put one of the decorative arms in her mouth. Jerome turned, precariously balancing 5 martinis in his hands, “well the first thing you should know is that our address is 667 Dark Avenue, the penthouse apartment in case you get lost.”

"Oh, don't tell them silly things like that," Esmé said. "Children, here are some things you should know. Dark is in. Light is out. Stairs are in. Elevators are out. Pinstripe suits are in. Those horrible clothes you are wearing are out."

"What Esmé means," Jerome said quickly, "is that we want you to feel as comfortable here as possible." He handed out the martini glasses. Sunny had to hold the top with both her hands, Violet tried to imitate what she had seen her mother do at their parties and hold the top with 3 fingers, and Klaus gripped the stem in his fist.

“That’s very nice of you.” Violet said, taking a sip. It tasted like olives.

“Mr. Poe told us about your previous guardians.” Jerome said. “It is a shame that you’ve had such terrible experiences, and that we could have cared for you the entire time." 

"It couldn't be helped," Esmé said. "When something is out, it's out, and orphans used to be out." 

“Mr. Poe also told us about Count Olaf and I told the doorman to not let anyone who looks remotely like him into the building.” Jerome said.

“That’s a relief that you.” Violet said, she was expecting Klaus to say something but he was still looking wide eyed around the room.

"That dreadful man is supposed to be up on some mountain, anyway," Esmé said. "Remember, Jerome? That unstylish banker said he was going away in a helicopter to go find those twins he kidnapped."

“Actually the Quagmires are triplets. They are our friends.” Violet said.

"My word!" Jerome said. "You must be worried sick!"

"Well, if they find them soon," Esmé said, "maybe we'll adopt them, too. Five orphans! I'll be the innest person in town!"

"We certainly have room for them," Jerome said. "This is a seventy-one-bedroom apartment, children, so you will have your pick of rooms. Klaus, Poe mentioned something about your being interested in inventing things, is that right?"

“No that’s Violet.” Klaus said distractedly.

“Klaus is more of a researcher.” Violet said.

"Well, then," Jerome said. "You can have the bedroom next to the library, and Violet can have the one that has a large wooden bench, perfect for keeping tools. Sunny can be in the room between you two. How does that sound?"

“That sounds great!” Violet said, and Sunny would have added her agreement but the phone rang.

Esmé squealed and ran to get it. "Squalor residence," she said into the receiver. "Yes, this is Mrs. Squalor. Yes. Yes. Yes? Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!" She hung up the phone and turned to the children. "Guess what?" She asked. "I have some fantastic news on what we were talking about!" 

“What?” Violet hoped she said the Quagmires were rescued. 

“Dark is out! Regular light is in!” Esmé squealed again. “Isn’t that fantastic news?”

"Well, I'm not sure I'd call that fantastic news," Jerome said, "but it will be a relief to get some light around this place. Come on, Baudelaires, help me open the shades and you can get a look at our view. You can see quite a bit from so high up." 

"I'll go turn on all the lamps in the penthouse," Esmé said breathlessly. "Quickly, before anybody sees that this apartment is still dark!" 

The view from the penthouse was beautiful, they were so high up that the majority of buildings looked truly tiny. The children could see many of the places their parents used to take them to, from the fountain in the city center to the bookstore to the beach where they received the worst news of their life from Mr. Poe. And when they looked straight down they saw that the trees which lined Dark Avenue were already being cut down to keep up with the trends. 

“Oh good, they are cutting down those awful trees which made our street so dark.” Jerome said.

“Of course they are,” Esmé said, “regular light is in, just like aqueous martinis, pinstripes, and orphans.”

Violet looked down at the trees getting cut and held back the question of what happens to them when orphans are no longer in. “May we go see our rooms?” Violet asked instead.

“Oh of course, let me show you.” Jerome led them through a maze of hallways and rooms. “Here you are.”

Violet pulled her siblings into the room which Jerome designated as her’s. It was a nice room, with a large wooden bench against one of the walls and a large queen sized bed on the other. Violet shut the door and flopped onto the bed, disturbing the sheets which had clearly not been changed in a long time, the whole room looked unused, even if it was spotless.

“I don’t know how to feel.” She admitted. “Jerome is nice but Esmé makes me worried. What happens when orphans are no longer in? Jerome said he wanted us from the start but Esmé said no since we weren’t in, what about after?”

Sunny climbed onto the bed using an ottoman at the end of the bed. “Jerome wouldn’t get rid of us.”

“Jerome doesn’t seem like the type to put up much of a fight.” Violet said.

“We are people, not interior lighting.” Sunny countered.

“It just seems like Esmé gets what she wants, and Jerome goes along.” Violet turned her head to look at Klaus who had joined his sisters on the bed. “What do you think?”

“There are so many ghosts in this apartment.” Klaus answered.

“What?” Violet asked.

“There are so many ghosts Vi.” Klaus sat up to look at her. “There are like 22 ghosts, I have never seen so many in one place.”

Violet started to giggle a little at her brother. “Why are there so many ghosts here?”

“I don’t know.” Both Sunny and Violet were laughing now, there wasn’t even anything funny about the amount of ghosts but the past few days, weeks really, had been so stressful that even this sent them over the edge. It only took a few more moments before Klaus was also giggling at the ridiculousness of the situation. Violet reached her hand out and grabbed Klaus’ hand and pulled him to lay by her and Sunny.

“It’ll work out. In the end.” Violet said.

“Promise.” Klaus didn’t expect her to promise, it wouldn't work out, so long as Count Olaf was around he knew that.

“Yeah I promise.” And Violet meant it, she would make it work out, one way or another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's the line which got me to write this fic!


	25. Gunther has (not) left the building

They were not re-enrolled in school, which was confusing as neither Squalor made any attempts to start homeschooling either. It was getting to the point that Klaus wasn’t sure if children even had to go to school, their parents always made it sound as if they did but no one else seemed to care. So the children, unsupervised, wandered around the city that they had grown up in; and they really wandered, Jerome had given Violet one of their cards and told her not to worry about money so while Esmé and Jerome were at work Violet, Klaus, and Sunny explored. They could have stayed inside of course, but it was exhausting being inside the luxurious home all the time. And it was really luxurious, with silk bed sheets and gold trimmed everything; but it was so cold. The penthouse was so big that the children never saw their guardians when they were home, they never even saw the staff that must work to keep the rooms clean and the fridges stocked. 

The home was also bare of anything the children found interest in, Esmé had gotten rid of all tools two seasons ago when they went out of fashion and had never bothered to replace them. The only books in the house were magazines and books on fashionable history and Sunny kept getting scolded for chewing on the furniture by Esmé the few times they would see her. It took a week of spending Jerome and Esmé’s money before the children were able to collect enough things that they wouldn’t have to walk up and down a truly astronomical amount of stairs, even if they could slide down the railing like Jerome suggested, just to not be bored all the time. 

Klaus was also especially bothered by the ghosts, the amount made doing anything fairly hard. His only saving grace was that he never saw either of the Squalors so him unconsciously moving out of the way of them didn’t arouse any suspicions. And of course the Baudelaires were so worried about their friends that sometimes all they could do is sit and imagine what horrible things were happening to them. Sunny usually was able to bring them out of these funks pretty quickly but it always dampened the mood of the rest of the day. 

The children had also been reading through the Quagmire’s books. The triplets had found out about an organization called VFD which Olaf may have either been a part of or been trying to fight. They had also found many article that seemed to be about Olaf committing heinous crimes from petty theft to murder. There wasn’t a lot but that was not unsurprising as they had found all the information at Prufrock Prep’s library. Violet had also been trying to decondition Klaus from the hypnosis that Dr. Orwell had put him under, he had found another book about the topic that explained how to help undo hypnosis. Mostly what Violet had to do was trigger it and then her and Sunny would try and get Klaus to act with free will. And while he wasn’t fully deconditioned, Klaus no longer mindlessly did whatever you told him.

It was about 9 days after the children arrived that Jerome tracked them down. “We are having a family lunch, isn't that fun!”

“Yes that does sound fun.” Violet agreed.

“I feel like I never see you children,” Jerome said. “Well come along.”

They followed Jerome back to a dining room they had never seen before. There were plates of food laid out and Esmé was sitting at the head sipping an aqueous martini.

“Finally.” Esmé said. “I've been waiting forever.”

“Well now that we’re all here let’s dig in.” Jerome went to sit at the opposite end of the table to Esmé, leaving the children to fill in the space with Violet and Sunny on one side and Klaus on the other.

“What have you been doing.” Esmé didn’t seem very interested in their answers.

“I’ve been trying to build a grandfather clock that is also a toaster, I had made one before the fire.” Violet answered.

“I’ve been reading about these people that broke out of a jail by melting the bars.” Klaus had bought that book because it was one his father said had helped him out at one point.

“Bite.” Sunny said to summarize what she had done that day.

“Not our furniture right?” Esmé said pointedly.

“We got her some teething rings.” Violet said quickly. “What have you been up to?” It seemed best to shift Esmé’s focus.

"The In Auction is coming up, and I have to devote all of my energy to making sure it's a success." Esmé said.

"The In Auction?" Klaus asked. 

"An auction," Jerome explained, "is a sort of sale. Everyone gets together in a large room, and an auctioneer shows off a bunch of things that are available for purchase. If you see something you like, you call out how much you'd be willing to pay for it. That's called a bid. Then somebody else might call out a bid, and somebody else, and whoever calls out the highest price wins the auction and buys the item in question. It's terribly exciting. Your mother used to love them! I remember one time-"

Esmé cut him off. "It's called the In Auction because we're selling only things that are in. I always organize it, and it's one of the most smashing events of the year!" 

"Smashi?" Sunny asked. 

“She means smashing as in it is going to be fabulous, not that anything is going to be crushed.” Klaus explained.

"And it is fabulous," Esmé said, finishing her aqueous martini. "We hold the auction at Veblen Hall, and we auction off only the innest things we can find, and best of all, all the money goes to a good cause." 

"Which good cause?" Violet asked. 

"Me! Every last bit of money that people pay at the auction goes right to me! Isn't that smashing?" Esmé giggled at the idea of all the money.

"Actually, dear," Jerome said, "I was thinking that this year, perhaps we should give the money to another good cause. For instance, I was just reading about this family of seven. The mother and father lost their jobs, and now they're so poor that they can't even afford to live in a one room apartment. We might send some of the auction money to people like them." 

"Don't talk nonsense," Esmé said crossly. "If we give money to poor people, then they won't be poor anymore. And then who will we feel bad for? Besides, this year we're going to make heaps of money. I had lunch with twelve millionaires this morning, and eleven of them said they were definitely going to attend the In Auction. The twelfth one has to go to a birthday party. Just think of the money I'll make, Jerome! We could buy a car!"

“Esmé darling, you don’t drive.” Jerome said. "I'd rather spend some money on putting the elevator back in use. It's very tiring to climb all the way up to the penthouse."

“There you go talking nonsense again.” Esmé waved him off. “If it’s not baby’s chewing up my furniture then it’s you complaining about elevators. Well, we have no more time for chitchat in any case. Gunther is stopping by tonight, and I want you, Jerome, to take the children out for dinner." 

"Who is Gunther?" Jerome asked. 

"Gunther is the auctioneer, of course," Esmé replied. "He's supposed to be the innest auctioneer in town, and he's going to help me organize the auction. He's coming over tonight to discuss the auction catalog, and we don't want to be disturbed. That's why I want you to go out to dinner, and give us a little privacy." 

“I was hoping to stay in with the children. I feel like I never see them.” Jerome said.

“Well I want you out of the house.” Esmé said back.

“I’m sure we won't be in your way.” Jerome was losing steam.

"I am Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, the city's sixth most important financial advisor. I live on Dark Avenue, and I am unbelievably wealthy." Esmé levels Jerome an intimidating stare.

"I know that, dear," Jerome said. "I live with you."

“Then you should also know that I get what I want.” Jerome withers at that. “And what I want is for you four to go out to dinner while I have a guest over.”

“Oh, well, I have been wanting to try that little café down the street.” Jerome muses.

"No, no, no," Esmé said pleasantly as things were going her way again. "It's all arranged. I made a reservation at Café Salmonella for seven o'clock. Now if you are all going to be ready by then you should go. Children there are pinstripe suits in your rooms.”

“Oh.” The three of them said.

“I knew you'd be excited!" Esmé said. "You must have been mortified the last few days, walking around the city without wearing any pinstripes! Pinstripes are in, and orphans are in, so just imagine how in you'll be when you orphans are wearing pinstripes! No wonder you're so excited!" 

“They don’t sound very excited.” Jerome pointed out.

“No, no, no! We are very excited. Thank you very much Esmé.” Violet cursed her inability to be rude.

“Yes!” Klaus agreed. “Very excited.” Sunny nodded in agreement.

“See Jerome, you worry too much.” Esmé said. “Now if you want to make time for those stairs and get to dinner on time I would suggest you go get ready.”

Esmé shooed all four of them out of the room, the siblings then walked back to their rooms where 3 pinstripe suits were hanging outside their doors. The suits didn’t fit great, Violet’s too short for her arms and the coat ended too high, Klaus had to roll the legs and waistband of the pants to get them to fit, and Sunny looked like she was trying to hide in the suit rather than wear it. And it made matters worse that they were all bright pink, which was a very in color then, but did not suit the children’s complexions. They also made walking down all those stairs and to the restaurants not very comfortable, as Violet kept pulling down her sleeves and jacket, Klaus kept pulling up his pants, and Sunny had to be carried the whole way as she couldn’t walk.

Café Salmonella was in the fish district and why there was a fish district nowhere near the ocean was beyond me. However the fish district sure lived up to its name; it smelt like fish, it was filled with fish themed buildings, there were even speakers that played ocean sounds on the light poles. So when the children walked into the café with Jerome and saw that it only sold fish they were shocked to say the least. It was a few minutes before seven when they arrived so they were seated quickly and almost immediately a waiter arrived.

“Hello I am Larry Your Waiter.” Larry Your Waiter said. “And welcome to Café Salmonella.”

Violet looked at the man dressed as a fish and said, “have we met before?”

“Of course not Baudelaires.” He said. “I will get you started on drinks.”

“Would it kill these people to just serve plain water, I didn’t want fish in my water.” Klaus was complaining to Violet as they walked back from their very fishy dinner.

“Plain water isn’t in Klaus.” Violet said.

“Haven’t I suffered enough?” Klaus said. “Must god forsake me?”

“I’m glad this is what made you realize that god abandoned you.” Violet rolled her eyes. “It was the pile of other horrible things that had happened to us. No it’s the fish water.”

“Exactly thank you Violet.” Klaus walked sideways to look at her. “I just feel so.. Seen? So supported really.”

“I try.” Violet shot him a smile.

Despite the bad dinner the children did feel better. So it was really the perfect time for Olaf to show up. 

Klaus opened the door after the group had finally walked up all the stairs, it was probably about 10:30 pm, and the sight of Olaf in knee high boots and a white, pinstripe tailcoat. Klaus slammed the door shut.

“That needs to not be your default.” Violet said.

“It’s such a good default though.” Klaus said.

“Children.” Jerome said and moved to open the door. When he did he saw Olaf and said. “Oh you must be Gunther? Emsé told us you’d be over.”

“Ah well,” Olaf said in a bad foreign accent. “I must be off, yes? Big auction to plan.” The children rolled their eyes.

“Aren’t you tired? Isn’t it exhausting to do this every week?” Klaus asked Olaf.

“I do not understand, please?” Olaf said.

“I mean this must be more effort than it’s worth at this point.” Violet added. “If you can trick people this easy just lie about your credentials and get a cushy job.”

“Just be a con man at this point. It must be easier than chasing some orphans across the state.” Klaus piled on.

“It’s just sorta sad isn’t it?” Violet said.

“It is.” Klaus agreed.

Olaf looked taken aback by the kids’ brutal take on his life. “Odd children, yes?” He gave a stressed laugh to Jerome.

“Children!” Jerome was scandalized by their rudeness to their guest. “That’s not very polite.”

“Sorry.” Klaus turned away from Jerome and looked back at Olaf. “It’s a pride thing isn’t it? It’d look bad to be beaten by a bunch of children?”

Violet shook her head. “Come on Klaus.” The three children walked off leaving Olaf and Jerome in the entrance.

The children were far too tired to talk about Olaf anymore that night, so once they heard Jerome say his goodbyes and the front door shut the three of them went to bed. Of course none of them slept great even though the beds were extremely comfortable, Olaf being back made it hard to feel safe enough to sleep. So after a few hours Klaus rolled out of bed and went to Sunny’s room, and seeing her awake as well he grabbed his little sister and walked to Violet’s room. Violet had just started to doze off when her door opened, heart pounding she sat up and looked, expecting to see Olaf. Instead what greeted her were the faces of her siblings peaking through the door. Rather than say anything she simply lifted her covers and Klaus quickly shut the door behind them and walked over. He set Sunny down and slipped in next to her. After that it only took a few minutes for all three Baudelaire children to be fast asleep.

It was later than the children usually woke the next morning, with midmorning sun shining through Violet’s window. Jerome and Esmé had probably already left for their jobs at that point so the children knew that they had the penthouse all to themselves. So after a quick breakfast Violet, Klaus, and Sunny sat in one of the living rooms and planned out their next steps.

“I doubt that Jerome would be able to help.” Klaus said.

“I doubt that he would even believe us.” Violet was sick of dealing with adults who wouldn’t help them.

“Maybe Esmé?” Sunny offered.

Klaus gave a disbelieving laugh. “Esmé doesn’t like us.”

“Esmé doesn’t like children.” Violet said, it was obvious that their guardian found children unpleasant.

“Yes and we are children, so by extension, she doesn’t like us.” Klaus pointed out.

“She still might help.” Sunny said.

“She thinks that Gunther is a fabulous auctioneer, what could we say to change her mind?” Klaus said.

“We could try and expose Olaf?” Violet said.

“He’d just leave Vi, that’s what he always does.” Klaus said. “Olaf would probably stab Jerome and then run off and the cycle would start all over again.”

Violet snapped her head up. “If Olaf is here, where are the Quagmires?” It felt like an epiphany. 

“He’d want them close by, right?” Klaus was thinking. “Where would he hide them?”

“Not the apartment.” Sunny said, she had been over the whole place looking for things to put in her mouth and hadn’t found hide or hair of either Quagmire.

“And why is he pretending to be an auctioneer?” Violet asked.

“Get close?” Sunny said.

“There are a thousand ways that he could get close to us, why an auctioneer specifically?” Violet said.

“I feel like all we are getting is more questions and no answers.” Klaus thumped his head on the table. “This building is huge, he could be anywhere. Or he could be in another building or even his old house! We need to know more.”

“Maybe we could ask the doorman if he saw anything when Olaf left last night?” Violet said. 

“Yeah maybe.” Klaus said. And so the children went down the preposterous amount of stairs by riding the railing. The doorman was sitting with his feet on the desk in the lobby reading a magazine on what is in when the children walked up to him.

“Excuse me?” Violet said.

“For what?” He asked.

“Interrupting.” Violet answered. “Did you see Gunther leave last night? He was wearing a white tailcoat and tall boots, it would have been after we got back.”

“No one wearing that has left this building.” The doorman said.

“Oh is there another exit he could have taken?” Violet really hoped there was.

“Nope, two seasons ago it was very fashionable to only have one door so all of the alternative ways out got covered up and no one ever bothered to fix it.” The doorman said. “Hey did you know parsley soda is now in and aqueous martinis are out.”

“No we did not. So you are saying Gunther is still in the building?” Violet really, really wished there was another exit.

“Yes ma’am.” He gave a nod. “I’m the only one that works this door so if anyone was to go in or out I would know.”

“Thank you very much.” It was polite to thank someone even if they gave you bad news that you didn’t want to hear so Violet did. She walked away from the front desk and plopped down onto the bottom stairs. “He’s still in the building.”

Klaus sat next to his sister. “Yes me and Sunny could hear your conversation.”

“Snoop?” Sunny gave a shrug.

“We could try and hear if he is in one of the apartments.” Klaus said.

“He isn’t subtle, we'd probably find him.” Violet agreed.

There are 66 floors, not 48 or 84. That was the most relevant information the children came away with, not a single apartment had Olaf or any of his henchpeople in them. The Baudelaires could not think of where he could be, he never left the building but he wasn’t in their’s or anyone else’s apartment. Olaf couldn’t possibly still be on the stairs and the elevators are closed down.

Violet sat up from where she was laying on the floor outside the penthouse. “Why are there two elevators?”

“Huh.” Klaus removed his face from the floor to look at her.

“There are two elevators.” She pointed to the two elevators. “But there is only one in the lobby.”

Klaus fully sat up. “Where is the other elevator?”

“That’s what I’m thinking.” Violet walked over and looked at the elevator. “Now which one?”

“Up.” Sunny said.

“What do you mean Sunshine?” Violet asked.

Sunny pointed to one of the elevators and said, “up.”

And there was an up button next to one of the elevators. “Why would there be an up button at the top floor?” Violet pressed the button. 

It took a few seconds, then with a ding the elevator opened to reveal an empty elevator shaft and a deep drop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished book 11. Idk why but that one was hard to write. This chapter is a little more expositional than I would like but you can't win them all.


	26. A reunion

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny were staring down the long shaft which seemed to just be pure darkness.

“It’s time.” Klaus looked at the makeshift rope which swayed as it dropped into the inky darkness.

“Yeah.” No one moved.

"Are you ready?" Klaus asked finally. 

"No," Sunny answered. 

"Me neither," Violet said, "but if we wait until we're ready we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives. Let's go."

Violet took a deep breath and grabbed the rope, she made a move to lower herself down when Klaus stopped her. “I should go first.”

Violet nodded. “Yeah, that makes sense.” And handed the rope to him.

The climb down the elevator shaft was terrible, it had taken the better part of an hour to knot all the blankets and sheets the children could find to make a rope that was long enough and they still weren’t sure if it would reach the bottom. Of course it would have been faster to send Klaus down by himself but they didn’t know what was at the bottom and it was for the best if they all went down together. 

And it took a long time. It felt like days until Klaus’ feet gently tapped the floor and he lowered himself down onto the ground, knees almost giving out as the adrenaline rushed out of his system. When all three children were on the ground they looked around and realized that it was still dark.

Klaus heard a slap sound and Violet’s voice came from his left. “Did anyone bring a flashlight?”

“Give me a second.” Klaus rummaged around his pockets to see if anything useful had made its way in them. He pulled out two rocks, a pen, a mini slinky, some dice, a marble, mini scissors, safety pins, and finally a wind up flashlight. “Found one.”

Violet was staring where she thought her brother was. “What is going on with your pockets Klaus?”

“Whenever Sunny hands me something I just put it in my pocket.” His words were accompanied by a clicking noise as he wound the flashlight up.

He clicked the light on and shined it on her face. “Why?” Violet asked.

“Because I love her.” Klaus said simply. He continued to look at their surroundings, and send the light straight up. The darkness ate it just as fast as it had eaten the rope. “Hard to believe we climbed all that way huh?”

Violet made an affirmative noise and Klaus kept looking around. He swung it and saw the glint of metal, it looked to be a large cage with a large metal lock, and as he looked a little closer Klaus saw the faces of the Quagmires.

And the flashlight ran out of batteries. The only sound which filled the dark room was the furious cranking of Klaus trying to get enough battery that he could turn the flashlight back on.

Once the light was back on the Baudelaires could see that Duncan and Isadora were in fact in the cage, and it was not just a trick of the light.

“I'm dreaming," Duncan said, his voice was hoarse. "I must be dreaming." 

"But how can you be dreaming," Isadora asked him, "if I'm having the same dream?" 

"I once read about a journalist," Duncan whispered, "who was reporting on a war and was imprisoned by the enemy for three years. Each morning, she looked out her cell window and thought she saw her grandparents coming to rescue her. But they weren't really there. It was a hallucination." 

"I remember reading about a poet," Isadora said, "who would see six lovely maidens in his kitchen on Tuesday nights, but his kitchen was really empty. It was a phantasm."

"No," Violet said, and reached her hand between the bars of the cage. The Quagmire triplets shrank back into the cage's far corner, as if Violet were a poisonous snake instead of a long lost friend. "It's not a hallucination. It's me, Violet Baudelaire." 

"I better not be a ghost.” Klaus said to himself. “When would I have even died?”

"Sunny!" Sunny said.

“You sure are.” Klaus sounded distressed.

“Klaus you are not a ghost.” Violet was much more worried about their friends than her brother’s melodramatics. “Duncan, Isadora, we are really here. We climbed down a stupid long elevator shaft to get here.”

“Violet?” Isadora sounded weepy.

“Yeah it’s Violet, and my idiotic siblings.” Violet gave them a smile but the moment was kinda ruined by more cranking as Klaus tried to keep on the light. “Klaus.”

“Sorry.” 

The siblings broke out in giggles at the Baudelaire’s antics. “It’s really you.”

“It is and we will get you out of here.” Violet grabbed their hands as they weren’t cowering away. 

“How?” Isadora asked.

Violet was going to answer but Klaus called her over. “What Klaus?”

“I can get them out,” he started. “But we do not have time for me to climb up and down that stupid rope again.”

“How are you going to get them out?” Violet asked.

“Let’s just say that I finished a very convenient book last night.” Klaus said. “But I need to get back to the apartment.”

“I will handle it.” Violet took Sunny and the flashlight and walked back over to the Quagmires.

“Is everything okay?” Duncan asked.

“Yes.” Violet said. “And we will get you out of here but I need you to close your eyes.”

“Huh? Wait what, why?” Isadora asked.

Violet screwed her expression and opened her mouth a few times before saying. “I can’t tell you.”

“Vi.” Klaus said from behind her.

“Please.” Violet asked.

The triplets looked at each other before nodding and covering their eyes. Klaus then quickly moved back to the long shaft and pushed up. The blue light covered him and Klaus was a few feet off the ground, he then grabbed the rope and began to pull himself up. The trip which would have most likely taken 2-3 hours only took about 10 minutes. He had just pulled himself out of the elevator when he heard the voice of Jerome and Esmé coming up the stairs.

Klaus froze for a moment before untying the knot from the door and letting it slip down the shaft before quickly closing the elevator doors. 

“Oh Klaus?” Jerome said when he saw Klaus standing outside the opened door. “What are you doing?”

“I heard you coming up and I wanted to welcome you home.” Klaus lied easily. 

“Oh that’s sweet. Isn’t that sweet Esmé?” Jerome turned to his wife.

“Oh yes very sweet.” She didn’t sound like she thought it was sweet. “Well run along.”

“Okay!” Klaus cut off Jerome’s protests and ran into the apartment. It took awhile to find what he was looking for but once he did Klaus carefully snuck back to the front door and slipped out. He pressed the down button and watched the door open and show the pit again. Going down the first time was scary but at least he had the rope, this would be a freefall.

Klaus removed one of the rocks from his pocket and dropped it down the pit to let his sister know he was coming. And with a deep breath he jumped.

It was timeless for a while, just wind and darkness and falling. And then soft blue light was slowing his descent. It took awhile to reach the bottom, longer than it did if he had freefallen, but much faster than the rope. By the time his feet landed it had probably been an hour since he had left. Violet was sitting with her back against the cage with both Quagmires covering their eyes.

“Welcome back.” Violet said. “You can uncover your eyes. What’d you get?”

“This!” Klaus brandished his blow torch.

“What are you planning to do with that?” Violet asked, thinking she won't like the answer.

“The melting point of iron is 15 hundred degrees celsius. Steel is just refined iron and has an average melting point of 14 hundred degrees celsius. This blow torch? 1430 degrees.” Klaus was grinning.

“This is a terrible idea Klaus.” Violet still got out of the way of the bars. “You should back up.” She said to the Quagmires.

They watched as Klaus, still grinning, turned on the blow torch and pressed themselves against the opposite wall. Klaus then put the flame against the bars and waited till it was bright red and moved to the lower portion. Once both parts had heated up Klaus kicked the bar and it hit the ground with a clatter. “One down, like 5 to go.”

It took a while before all the bars were removed, but when they were there was a decent sized hole in which the children could crawl through. “Careful of the edges but that should be good.” Klaus backed up to give the Quagmire’s space.

“We need to get you to the police.” Violet hugged the two. “Come on we can climb back-”

“I cut the rope.” Klaus said from his own hug.

“I see that.” Violet said. “How did you expect us to get back up?”

“How did Olaf leave?” It wasn’t really an answer but Sunny shining the light down the hallway was.

“I guess we walk.” Violet started to move but was held back by a hand wrapping around her wrist. 

“What if we see Olaf?” Isadora asked.

“Or one of his henchpeople?” Duncan added.

Klaus looked at his torch before holding it up and starting it. “I’ll go first.” And started walking. Violet gave a shrug and picked up Sunny to follow her brother. The triplets stuck close to Violet as they walked along, they were very quiet and Violet couldn’t blame them. Being alone with Olaf is horrid. 

The hallway was made of stone and had lots of rusted signs which no longer could be read, many of the walkways which would have once been other passages to different places were blocked off by stones. For the most part there were only two ways to go and the children guessed to the left. When they finally ran out of hallway the children thought that they had chosen the wrong way until Duncan pointed out that there was light coming from the ceiling. Pushing the trap open ash fell on them.

It was still dark outside, but nowhere near as dark as it was in the hallway that they had left. 

“Where are we?” Isadora asked.

“Our house.” Klaus could tell, he had lived here all his life, he knew the energy, he knew the surrounding area, and more importantly he knew his parents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is stupid short and I don't believe in cliffhangers so I'm just going to post two tonight.


	27. Goodbyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Minor TW for burns in the first paragraph, you can just skip that one the rest of the chapter is good.

Bertrand Baudelaire had died of smoke inhalation while trying to get to his wife on the second floor of his mansion in the middle of the city, and for that Klaus was thankful. His father looked similar to how he did in life, with smile lines around his eyes and a warm smile as he looked at his son. It was almost comforting, or as comforting as your father’s ghost can be. Beatrice Baudelaire died from burns, trapped in her bedroom on the second story of her mansion in the center of a city. She still had a kind smile and warm eyes, but her right arm was mangled and her left leg had been burned down to the bone. It would have been a painful death, a fact that Klaus was going to keep to himself.

To be honest Klaus couldn’t actually hear what Violet and the Quagmires were talking about, he’s sure it would be heart wrenching and bond building but the ringing was too loud to hear much. He did really feel bad because Klaus was pretty sure Sunny had tried to check what was going on and flinched at the white noise in his head. Something which did not escape Violet’s notice.

Klaus jumped when Violet put her hand on his arm, which she considered a good sign. “Can you give me a minute?” The glassy eyes weren’t though.

“Yeah Klaus.” Violet herded the group to the road to try and see if there was any way to get to Veblen Hall.

“Mom.” It was barely a whisper. “Dad.”

Neither ghost talked and Klaus knew it was most likely because they couldn’t talk. “Why are you still here?” 

All Klaus got was sad smiles. “We are fine, you should move on.” It was a bold faced lie but that didn’t matter. He had seen what happened to ghosts who stayed too long and Klaus didn’t want that for his parents. For himself.

His mom reached out with her left hand, as if to touch him, and Klaus flinched back. The smiles fell and all that remained were sad looks. “Please move on.” He didn’t want to beg.

Beatrice was holding her wrist in her hand and Bertrand had his hands firmly by his sides. Klaus was scared and they never wanted to be the reason why he was scared. If ghosts could cry they would be. But they still didn’t say anything so Klaus switched tactics. “Do you want to see Violet and Sunny?”

They both nodded. “And will you go on after?” Klaus hoped they would say yes, he would still send his sisters in if they didn’t but he hoped they would.

The nods were more hesitant, but they still came. “I love you.” Klaus didn’t think goodbye would be appropriate. 

Tears were running down his cheeks when his parents mouthed “I love you” to him. Klaus swallowed and sent one last smile towards his parents. 

Walking to Violet Klaus whispered. “East wall, they want to say bye.” Violet nodded.

“Would you mind if I go in for a moment?” Violet asked the Quagmires.

“Of course not.” Isadora said, she knew Duncan and her would be bigger messes if they happened upon their burned down home. 

Violet and Sunny walked into the house, there were very few times that she wanted her brother’s powers and that moment was one. She wanted to see her parents again, there weren’t even any photos left.

The east wall was mostly ash but she knew which one it was, Violet could still picture every room of the house. Her father’s study was one she could picture well, Violet had spent hours in that room, sitting on his lap as he read to her or drawing schematic on the floor while he worked.

“Hey mom, dad.” It was barely a whisper, like talking too loudly would break the peace.

Sunny was leaning on Violet’s shoulder. “Hi.” it was quiet but Violet didn’t think Sunny was really talking when the house burned down. It hurt that she couldn’t remember.

“It's been hard since you’ve… left.” Violet couldn’t say die. “I’ve been trying to take care of everyone as best as I could.” Sunny pat Violet shoulder to say she’s done a good job.

“I miss you. I miss you both so, so much.” And god she did, more than words could describe. “I know what you both would say. Mom you would say that I need to live through the grief and that it won't go away but one day it will become lighter, and dad you would say that I would always miss you, but one day those memories will be happy rather than sad.”

She wiped her eyes. “I’m holding onto that. That all those memories will be happy one day. I really love you and I’m really going to miss you.”

“Love you mama, dada.” Sunny said and waved at the wall. “Bye.”

Violet laughed at that and gave her own wave. “Bye mom, bye dad.” And walked out, because if she waited till she was ready she'd never leave.

The Baudelaires felt lighter as they walked towards the center of the city. It really did feel like a new day as the morning sun peaked up from the horizon. 

It took a few hours to get to Veblen hall and the children were sweaty, tired, and covered in ash as they walked into the building. There was next to no one there besides the secretary. He startled at the dirty looking children but none of them really cared.

“Do you have a phone?” Violet asked.

He nodded and pointed to the wall to his right where a phone was on the wall.

“Thank you.” Violet said and walked over to the phone. “Who do we call?”

“Mr. Poe?” Klaus asked.

“Cops?” Sunny offered.

The Quagmires tired thinking of anyone. “What about the executor of our estate?” Duncan asked.

“What’s their name?” Violet said.

“Esmé Squalor.” Violet broke out laughing at Isadora’s words.

“That’s our guardian.” Klaus said, pressing his head into the wall.

“I was summoned?” Esmé said behind them. “Oh you found the other orphans, how nice.”

“They were at the bottom of the other elevator.” Violet said.

“And that’s why elevators are out.” Esmé waved her hand at them. “Why do you all look like that, dirty and such?”

“We have something very important to tell you.” Klaus said, hoping this didn’t come back to bite him in the ass. “Gunther is Olaf.”

“Who?” Esmé asked.

“Olaf.” Violet said. “The man who had killed multiple people. Chased us from place to place. Kidnapped the Quagmires.” Violet pointed at the dirty children.

“Oh yes him.” Esmé seemed indifferent. “That’s not very smashing is it?” She let out a great sigh. “Go on, tell me everything.”

And they did, about Olaf’s disguise, about the elevator shaft, about ending up back at their old home, and the Quagmires added that Olaf planned to use the auction to smuggle them out of the city.

“Well that is terrible, come along children I will handle this.” She put her arms around Violet and Klaus to lead them. “I will not stand for anyone but me using this auction for their own gain.”

“That’s really not the point.” Klaus said.

“Of course it’s not. This is.” Esmé snapped then suddenly there were arms wrapped around each child. “Keep them quiet and out of the way.” She told the henchpeople.

“Why?” Violet managed to ask.

“Why?” Esmé said. “Because now my former acting teacher will get his hands on not one, but two enormous fortunes. What a wonderful and profitable day!”

“You knew the entire time?” Klaus said horrified.

"Of course I did," Esmé said. "I just had to fool you kids and my dim-witted husband into thinking he was really an auctioneer. Luckily, I am a smashing actress, so it was easy to trick you."

“You worked with that terrible villain? How could you do that to us?” Violet asked.

"He's not a terrible villain," Esmé said. "He's a genius! And how could I do that to you? Because I want to steal from you. I want to steal from you the way Beatrice stole from me.”

"What are you talking about?" Klaus asked. "You're already unbelievably wealthy. Why do you want even more money?" 

"Because it's in, of course," Esmé said. "Well, toodle-oo, children.”

Klaus looked to Violet and she nodded. “Bitch!” he called at her.

“You know it babe.” Esmé flashed a smile and the children were dragged out.

They got shoved in a dark back room that had been used for storage before the auction, the children could tell because bits of packaging were still laying around and as the door slammed shut, the bald man shouted, “And you stay in there brats!”

They waited 30 second.

“Klaus, do you have any bobby pins?” Violet was looking at the lock.

“Safety pins?” He offered as he tried to pry the vent loose.

“I have some.” Isadora got up from where her, Sunny, and Duncan were looking through what remained in the room for anything useful.

“Thank you.” Violet said.

Isadora bushed. “It’s no problem.”

“Ah ha!” Klaus managed to pop the vent off. “Sunny I think you will fit.”

She gave a thumbs up.

“No need.” And with a click the door opened.

It had taken a while to open the door so by the time they were out the auction had started. The children stuck out like sore thumbs, the Quagmires were in dirty school uniforms and the Baudelaires were in soot covered, pink, pinstripe suits. They were almost stopped multiple times by random adults and had to run from Olaf’s associates. It was when lot 44 was called when the children ran into Mr. Poe.

“Baudelaires?” he said. “Quagmires! I have been looking for you.”

“Oh that’s very n-” Isadora started.

“We found them for you. Olaf’s here.” Klaus cut in, and because he has manners he said, “sorry.” to Isadora.

“Gunther, the auctioneer, is Olaf.” Violet explained.

“We were at the bottom of an elevator shaft.” Duncan added.

“We can explain later. Call the police.” Violet said.

“Why are we calling the police.” Jerome walked up. “Oh children I have been looking for you all morning.”

“Sorry. Meet the Quagmires. Gunther is Olaf.” Violet said curtly.

Lot 45 was being called and the henchpeople were closing in. “Someone call the police.” Klaus said.

“Children why don't we take a moment and calm down.” Mr. Poe said.

“No actually I am going to escalate the situation.” Klaus turned to Jerome. “Esmé is working with Olaf and hates our mom.”

The adults looked overwhelmed about the situation but that was how the children felt about their lives so there wasn’t much sympathy.

“Now there seems to be an issue in the crowd.” Olaf called, halting the sale of lot 46. Esmé powerwalked to them and put her arm around Jerome.

“Children.” It was said through gritted teeth. “I thought you were to stay in your room.”

“Baudelaires were you grounded?” Mr. Poe asked.

“Kidnapped is closer.” Klaus answered.

“Esmé, they are saying some odd things.” Jerome said. “About how Gunther is Olaf and how you are working with him.”

“Of course I’m working with Gunther.” Esmé said.

“No not Gunther, Olaf.” Jerome said.

“Oh how silly.” Esmé said. “Why would I work with that man?”

Sunny saw that this was going nowhere and decided to take matters in her own hands, her very tiny hands. Lot 50 was sitting out with the letter VFD on it and Sunny decided that if anything in this auction would help her it would be the letters that had haunted her siblings these past few weeks. So she grabbed onto one side with her teeth and tightly packed doilies exploded over the entire crowd.

Panic broke out, which could be considered an improvement. People were slipping everywhere, one of Olaf’s shoes flew off, two of Olaf’s henchmen crashed into each other, and everyone shut up. 

That was until someone noticed Olaf. "Look!" a man wearing sunglasses indoors said. "The auctioneer wasn't wearing any socks! That's not very polite!" 

"And look!" someone else said. "He has a doily stuck between two of his toes! That's not very comfortable!" 

"And look!" Jerome said. "He has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle! He's not Gunther!" 

"He's not an auctioneer!" Mr. Poe cried. "He's not even a foreigner! He's Count Olaf!" 

"He's more than Count Olaf," Esmé said, walking slowly toward the terrible villain. "He's a genius! He's a wonderful acting teacher! And he's the handsomest, innest man in town!"

"Don't be absurd!" Jerome said. "Ruthless kidnapping villains aren't in!" 

"You're right," said Count Olaf. Olaf tossed away his monocle and put his arm around Esmé. "We're not in. We're out, out of the city! Come on, Esmé!"

“And we’ll be back for you orphans.” Esmé shouted at the children before running out of the room.

“Oh no they’re escaping.” Violet was far too tired and far too dirty to really care, and the rest of them felt the same. So while the Baudelaires went through the same song and dance of the police arriving and everyone asking how no one noticed they simply sat with their friends.

It was only after everything had calmed that Jerome approached the children. “Baudelaires. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be the guardian you needed.” He gave one last simple and walked away.

“You still could be!” Klaus called but Jerome didn’t turn around. “My god.”

“Hello I am Mr. Poe, Vice President of Orphan Affaires,” Mr. Poe was introducing himself to the Quagmires. “I am very glad to have found you.”

“The Baudelaires found us.” Duncan said.

“Oh Baudelaires,” he turned to them. “Lost another guardian.”

“Tis life.” Klaus said.

“Mr. Poe?” Violet cut in. “Would it be at all possible to find a home that would be willing to take both us and the Quagmires?”

“Oh I don’t know.” Mr. Poe said.

“I mean if you think about it this way then all your trouble makers are in one place, I mean that’s less trouble overall for you.” Klaus pointed.

“I suppose.” Mr. Poe considered it. “Let me see what I can do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was a bitch to write and a bitch to edit and also now I'm sorta sad. but the quagmires are back baby!


	28. VFD

“The only place I can find that is willing to take in five orphans who have caused as much trouble as you all have was the ‘it takes a village’ program.” Mr. Poe addressed the children sitting in his office. “That means that one whole village will take on the responsibility for raising you.”

“You mean that the entire town would be in charge of us?" Violet asked. "That's a lot of people." 

"Well, I imagine they would take turns," Mr. Poe said. "It's not as if you would be tucked into bed by three thousand people at once."

“What town would be taking care of us?” Duncan asked, he and Isadora were still nervous after being trapped with Olaf for so long.

“Oh I believe it was a town VFD, which is an unusual name for a town.” Mr. Poe said.

“VFD?” Klaus really tried to believe it was a coincidence. 

“Yes, and the bus for it leaves in an hour so go collect your things.” Mr. Poe then shooed the children out of the room.

The children took up two rows on the bus, between the five of them and all their luggage. Isadora was sleeping across one of the benches, she had been writing poetry but there was only so much one could write about a bus and an empty landscape. Duncan was using his notebook the Baudelaires had given back to him to write down everything that had happened while he was trapped with Olaf. Klaus was trying to keep Sunny from putting anything on the bus in her mouth and making up the backstories of everyone on the bus, a game he used to play with his mother. Sunny was trying to put things in her mouth. And Violet was reading the newspaper and complaining. 

“Was this written through a game of telephone? I mean they couldn’t even manage to write Olaf’s name right. It says Count Omar!” Violet wasn’t really getting a response but that didn’t deter her. “It says he kidnapped Esmé and that Isadora and Duncan are twins. I mean at least they got his eyebrow and tattoo right but not anything else!”

“Yes that’s terrible,” Klaus glanced over to her before looking back at Sunny who was trying to put the edge of the seat in her mouth. “Sunny! That’s dirty, don’t eat it.”

"And 'for reasons unknown' is the biggest mistake of all," Violet said glumly. "The reasons aren't unknown. We know them. We know the reasons Esmé, Count Olaf, and all of Olaf's associates have done so many terrible things. It's because they're terrible people."

“Also Esmé hates your mom.” Duncan pointed out.

“And that.” Violet said.

“Someone should wake up Isadora, we should be at VFD any minute.” Klaus said.

“Hey Dora, get up.” Duncan poked his sister with his pencil.

“We here?” Isadora asked.

“Almost.” Violet folded the newspaper and placed it in her bag. “I wonder what it stands for?”

“Who knows, I’m sure we’ll find out soon.” Klaus said.

"VFD!" the bus driver finally called out. "Next stop VFD! If you look out the window, you can see the town coming up, folks!" 

"What does it look like?" Violet asked Klaus. 

Klaus looked out the window and saw just more empty landscape. “Flat.”

"I don't see any town at all," Duncan said. "Do you suppose it's underground?"

“I don't want to live underground.” Isadora’s hair was sticking up from her nap. The Quagmire were able to get cleaned up before they left so now the triplets had new clothes and didn’t look like they had spent the past few weeks in a cage.

"VFD!" the bus driver called, as the bus came to a stop. "VFD! Everyone off for VFD!"

All the children gathered their things of which there were not many, and walked to the front of the bus. But when they got to the door Klaus hesitated at the empty landscape, there was no town in sight.

"Is this really the stop for VFD?" Violet asked the driver. "I thought VFD was a town." 

"It is," the driver replied. "Just walk toward that hazy black blur out there on the horizon. I know it looks like, well, I can't remember the phrase for when your eyes play tricks on you, but it's really the town." 

“Mirage.” Klaus provided.

"Couldn't you take us a little closer?" Violet asked kindly. "We have a baby with us, and it looks like a long way to walk." 

"I wish I could help you," the bus driver said, also kindly, looking down at Sunny, "but the Council of Elders has very strict rules. I have to let off all passengers for VFD. right here; otherwise I could be severely punished." 

"Who are the Council of Elders?" Klaus asked. 

"Hey!" a voice called from the back of the bus. "Tell those kids to hurry up and get off the bus! The open door is letting bugs in!" 

"Off you go, kids," the bus driver said, and shut the door behind them. Leaving the children to start the long walk to the hazy black blur. It took forever to get anywhere close to the village, they were sweaty and covered in dirt that was kicked up by the wind. Everyone was exhausted, even Sunny who was being passed around between the four children, by the time the town came into focus. But it still seemed a little blurry, or like the whole town was swaying like Josephine’s house. It wasn’t though.

“Are those birds?” Isadora asked.

“I think they are crows.” Duncan added.

“A group of crows is called a murder.” Klaus said.

“Why is it called a murder.” Duncan asked.

“It is because they are scavenging birds,” Klaus was trying to remember about crows. “Basically if there was a group of crows there was probably a corpse.”

Violet looked at the massive amount of birds. “Great, that doesn’t make me worry at all.”

“The crows are perfectly harmless.” Klaus said.

“Not the crows I’m worried about.” Violet walked deeper into the town, leaving the rest of them to catch up to her. There was no one in the town and if the children didn’t know better they would think that it was populated by birds rather than people. The town was filled with old looking buildings, the streets which were completely empty of any cars or light poles. Well there was one car, a firetruck which looked stuck in a lawn by a bunch of fences. But besides that there were just a bunch of buildings that you wouldn’t be able to tell what they were without the signs above them. Sunny ended up leading them to town hall, as that was where the most thoughts were coming from. The building was old and the sign that said ‘town hall’ was covered by crows so it looked more like ‘wn ha’. Violet raised her hand and knocked on the door.

"Come in!" called a voice from inside. The Quagmires and the Baudelaires opened the door and found themselves in a large room with a very high ceiling, a very shiny floor, and a very long bench, with very detailed portraits of crows hanging on the walls. In front of the bench was a small platform where a woman in a motorcycle helmet was standing, and behind the platform were perhaps one hundred folding chairs, most of which had a person sitting on them who was staring at the kids. 

They were staring at the bench however, it was a group of very old people in ridiculous hats, which is why they were staring. The youngest looked about 80 and the rest were far older than her.

"Are you the Baudelaire orphans?" asked one of the old men who was sitting on the bench. "We've been expecting you, although I wasn't told you would look so terrible. You five are the most windswept, dusty, and sunburned children I have ever seen. Are you sure you're the children we've been waiting for?" 

"Yes," Violet replied. "I'm Violet Baudelaire, and this is my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny. And these are the Quagmires Isadora and Duncan. The re-”

“Shhh.” A different old person said. “We are not talking about you right now. Rule 492 clearly states that the Council of Elders will only discuss things that are on the platform. Right now we are discussing our new Chief of Police. Are there any questions from the townspeople regarding Officer Luciana?" 

"Yes, I have a question," called out a man from the crowd. "I want to know what happened to our previous Chief of Police. I liked that guy."

Officer Luciana was Esmé, even with the helmet on the children could see that. No one else would wear a bright blue full latex outfit with knee high, heeled black boots. She was also wearing a blue fur coat with a bright badge pinned to it that said fabulous on it. "The previous Chief of Police has a sore throat," she said. "He accidentally swallowed a box of thumbtacks. But let's not waste time talking about him. I am your new Chief of Police, and I will make sure that any rulebreakers in town are punished properly. I can't see how there's anything more to discuss." 

“I agree with that.” Said a man on the bench. "The Council of Elders hereby ends the discussion of Officer Luciana. Hector, please bring the orphans to the platform for discussion."

Esmé stepped off the platform and flashed a red smile at the children while a tall, skinny, nervous looking man ushered the five of them onto the platform.

One of the women in the Council of Elders spoke up. "We are now discussing the guardianship of the Baudelaire and Quagmire orphans. Under the new government program, the entire town of VFD will act as guardian over these five children because it takes a village to raise a child. Are there any questions?"

"It says here in the newspaper that an evil Count is coming after those children. I don't want someone like that in our town!" A woman called out from the crowd.

"We've taken care of that matter, Mrs. Morrow," replied another member of the Council soothingly. "We'll explain in a moment. Now, when children have a guardian, the guardian makes them do chores, so it follows that you Baudelaires will do all the chores for the entire village. Beginning tomorrow, you five children will be responsible for anything that anyone asks you to do." 

"Begging your pardon," Klaus said.

Violet cut in, not trusting her brother to not alienate their new guardians. “It’s just that there are only twenty-four hours in a day, and there appear to be several hundred townspeople. How will we find the time to do everyone's chores?" 

"Hush!" several members of the Council said in unison, and then the youngest looking woman spoke up. "Rule 920 clearly states that no one may talk while on the platform unless you are a police officer. You're orphans, not police officers, so shut up. Now, due to the VFD crows, you will have to arrange your chore schedule as follows: In the morning, the crows roost uptown, so that's when you will do all the downtown chores, so the crows don't get in your way. In the afternoon, as you can see, the crows roost downtown, so you will do the uptown chores then. Please pay particular attention to our new fountain, which was just installed this morning. It's very beautiful, and needs to be kept as clean as possible. At night, the crows roost in Nevermore Tree, which is on the outskirts of town, so there's no problem there. Are there any questions?" 

"I have a question," said the man from earlier. "Where are they going to live? It may take a village to raise a child, but that doesn't mean that our homes have to be disturbed by noisy children, does it?" 

"Yes," agreed Mrs. Morrow. "I'm all for the orphans doing our chores, but I don't want them cluttering up my house." A murmur of agreement came from the crowd at her words.

"Please," The oldest looking man said. "There is no reason for all this fuss. The children will live with Hector, our handyman. He will feed them, clothe them, and make sure they do all the chores, and he is responsible for teaching them all of the rules of VFD, so they won't do any more terrible things, such as talking while on the platform." 

"Thank goodness for that," muttered the man who had spoken initially. 

“Now Baudelaires,” a completely different woman on the bench spoke up, forgetting the Quagmires were there as well. "Before Hector takes you to his house, I'm sure you have some concerns of your own. It's too bad you're not allowed to speak right now, otherwise you could tell us what they were. But Mr. Poe sent us some materials regarding this Count Olaf person." 

"Omar," corrected Mrs. Morrow, pointing to the headline in the newspaper. 

"Silence!" the lady said. "Now, Baudelaires, I'm sure you are very concerned about this Olaf fellow, but as your guardian, the town will protect you. That is why we have recently made up a new rule, Rule 19,833. It clearly states that no villains are allowed within the city limits." 

The crowd made cheering noises. "Now, if there are no more questions," the youngest woman concluded, "Hector, please take the Baudelaires off the platform and take them to your house."

Hector ushered the children away even though there were many questions. He was quiet, Hector hadn’t spoken once during the entire meeting, and that made the children anxious. Was he mad at them? It wasn’t their fault but people often misplaced their anger. However once the door shut Hector perked up and began to walk with more pep in his step. And once the building was out of sight Hector turned to them.

"I'm never truly relaxed," he said to the children in a pleasant voice, "until I have left Town Hall. The Council of Elders makes me feel very skittish. All those strict rules! It makes me so skittish that I never speak during one of their council meetings. But I always feel much better the moment I walk out of the building. Now, it looks like we're going to be spending quite a bit of time together, so let's get a few things straight. Number one, call me Hector. Number two, I hope you like Mexican food, because that's my specialty. And number three, I want you to see something marvelous, and we're just in time. The sun is starting to set."

It was true. The Baudelaires hadn't noticed, when they stepped out of Town Hall, that the afternoon light had slipped away and that the sun was now just beginning to dip below the horizon. 

"It's lovely," Violet said politely, although she had never understood all the fuss about standing around admiring sunsets. 

"Shh," Hector said. "Who cares about the sunset? Just be quiet for a minute, and watch the crows. It should happen any second now." 

"What should happen?" Duncan said. 

"Shh," Hector said again. There was a rustling, then a few of the crows began to fly, and then a few more. And then the whole sky was covered with hundreds or thousands of black pinpoints all moving in a circle. Once the town was bare of any birds the circle began to move and started to head towards a distant building. Once the birds had gotten a bit a way Hector turned to the children. “Wasn’t that marvelous?”

“What a fascinating sight, to see a murder take flight.” Isadora said.

“That was nice, did you just make it up?” Hector asked.

“Yes I like to write couplets.” Isadora smiled. “Did you like it Violet?”

“I thought it was nice.” Violet said. “Where are they going?”

“Home.” Hector said and started walking again. He started making small talk once they were out of town, mostly about what they would like for dinner and such.

“Hey Hector?” Violet said.

“Yes?” He said.

“Why is the town called VFD?” 

“Oh that’s just more nonsense from the Council of Elders.” Hector said. “It stands for Village of Fowl Devotees.” 

“Why?” Duncan asked.

"Well, about three hundred and six years ago," Hector said, "a group of explorers discovered the murder of crows that we just saw. Named the town after them?”

“Oh.” Klaus was disappointed. “I kinda doubt this is the same VFD.” He was talking to the Quagmires.

“Is there another VFD?” Hector asked.

“It was about Count Olaf-” Violet was interrupted.

"Hold on a minute," Hector said. "Who's Count Olaf? Mrs. Morrow was talking about Count Omar. Is Olaf his brother?" 

"No," Duncan said, shuddering at the very thought of Olaf having a brother. "I'm afraid The Daily Punctilio got many of the facts wrong." 

"Well, why don't we get them right," Hector said. "Suppose you tell me exactly what happened." 

"It's sort of a long story," Violet said. 

"Well," Hector said, with a slight smile, "we have sort of a long walk. Why don't you begin at the beginning?" 

So they did, the children talked about the fire and Monty and Josephine and running away before meeting the Quagmires. They talked about getting kidnapped and the Baudelaires breaking them out. They talked about Esmé and how she was here, something that had somehow slipped their minds in the madness. And how if Esmé was here then it was only a matter of time before Olaf followed.

Hector sighed. "You've certainly been through an ordeal," he said. "You've been very brave, all five of you, and I'll do my best to make sure you have a proper home with me. But I must tell you that I think you've hit a dead end." 

"What do you mean?" Klaus asked. 

“I don’t think your VFD is the same VFD as mine. As I said, this village has been called VFD. for more than three hundred years. Scarcely anything has changed since then. The crows have always roosted in the same places. The meetings of the Council of Elders have always been at the same time every day. My father was the handyman before me, and his father was the handyman before him, and so on and so on. The only new things in this town are you three children and the new Fowl Fountain uptown, which we'll be cleaning tomorrow. I don't see how this village could have anything to do with the secret you two discovered."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact once you write 140,000 words in google docs it starts to lag real bad!


	29. Count Omar Has Been Captured

“I just wish we could’ve learned more,” Duncan complained. “We don’t even know if Olaf was part of this other VFD. Or what it stands for!”

“Maybe the library here will be able to help?” Isadora offered. “I mean we learned a ton from Prufrock Prep’s library and that school was terrible.”

“Oh we don’t have a library, well we don't have a library that will be any use to you.” Hector said.

“Why not?” Isadora asked.

"Rule 108 clearly states that the VFD library cannot contain any books that break any of the other rules.” Hector said. “And because there are so many rules there are basically no books in it.”

“Why are there so many rules?” Klaus was sick of it. “What’s the point of the council making so many?”

"Why does anyone have a lot of rules?" Hector said with a shrug. "So they can boss people around, I guess. Thanks to all the rules of VFD, the Council of Elders can tell people what to wear, how to talk, what to eat, and even what to build. Rule 67, for instance, clearly states that no citizen is allowed to build or use any mechanical devices." 

"Does that mean I can't build or use any mechanical devices?" Violet asked Hector. "Are we citizens of VFD, now that the town is our guardian?"

"I'm afraid you are," Hector said. "You have to follow Rule 67, along with all the other rules." 

"But Violet's an inventor!" Duncan cried. "Mechanical devices are very important to her!"

"Is that so?" Hector said, and smiled. "Then you can be a very big help to me, Violet." He stopped walking, and looked around the street as if it was full of spies, instead of being completely empty. "Can you keep a secret?" he asked. 

"Yes," Violet answered.

Hector looked around the street once more, and then leaned forward and began speaking in a very quiet voice. "When the Council of Elders invented Rule 67," he said, "they instructed me to remove all the inventing materials in town." 

"What did you say?" Klaus asked. 

"I didn't say anything," Hector admitted. "The Council makes me too skittish to speak; you know that. But here's what I did. I took all of the materials and hid them out in my barn, which I've been using as sort of an inventing studio." 

"I've always wanted to have an inventing studio," Violet said. "What have you invented so far, Hector?" 

"Oh, just a few little things," Hector said, "but I have an enormous project that is nearing completion. I've been building a self-sustaining hot air mobile home." 

“Why?” Sunny asked.

“It’s kinda like a hot air balloon but once it goes up I will never have to bring it back down. Once it's completed, I'll be able to fly away from VFD and the Council of Elders and everything else that makes me skittish, and live forever in the air." Hector explained.

"It sounds like a marvelous invention," Violet said. "How in the world have you been able to get the engine to be self-sustaining, too?"

"That's giving me something of a problem," Hector admitted, "but maybe if you five took a look at it, we could fix the engine together." 

"I'm sure Violet could be of help," Klaus said, "but I'm not much of an inventor. I'm more interested in reading.”

“Yeah I’m more into poetry.” Isadora agreed.

“And I'm more of a journalist.” Duncan said.

“Well that sounds like you would all need a good library.” Hector said.

“Yeah but you said Rule 108 got rid of basically every book in the library.” Klaus said.

"Can you keep another secret?" he asked, and the children nodded. "The Council of Elders told me to burn all of the books that broke Rule 108," he said in a quiet voice, "but I brought them to my barn instead. I have sort of a secret library there, as well as a secret inventing studio."

“God Hector you’re cool.” Klaus said.

“Don’t worry,” Violet said. “Your secret is safe with us.”

“I appreciate that children,” Hector really did. “I would hate to find out what would happen if the council found out, they hate it when people break their rules. Well what about you Sunny? I don’t want you to feel left out, what do you like to do?”

“Bite.” Sunny said.

Hector gave an odd look at that. “She’s teething.” Klaus said quickly before he thought much harder about it.

“Shh, be quiet.” Hector’s reaction was confusing. "Rule 4,561 clearly states that citizens are not allowed to use their mouths for recreation. If the Council of Elders knew that you liked to bite things for your own enjoyment, I can't imagine what they'd do. I'm sure we can find you some things to bite, but you'll have to do it in secret. Well, here we are."

“This place is so weird.” Isadora said as the children followed Hector to his house.

“That’s a lot of crows.” Duncan was talking about the Nevermore Tree in Hector’s front yard, it was a fairly normal looking tree except instead of leaves the upper portion was filled with crows, tons and tons of crows.

"The noises of the crows might sound strange at first," Hector said, leading the way up the steps of the house, "but you'll get used to them before long. I always leave the windows open when I go to bed. The sounds of the crows remind me of the ocean, and I find it very peaceful to listen to them as I drift off to sleep. Speaking of bed, I'm sure you must be very tired. I've prepared five rooms for you upstairs, but if you don't like them you can choose other ones. There's plenty of room in the house.”

“Thank you Hector, that’s very nice.” Violet said.

And it was nice, Hector made a delicious dinner and the children’s rooms were nice, and the crows did really sound like the ocean. But Esmé was here and if she was here then so was Olaf. And if Olaf was here then things would not remain nice for very long if the past was anything to go on. But the Baudelaires had learned to enjoy things while they could so they ate their dinner and made small talk with Hector about his mobile home and enjoyed themselves. And when night fell Klaus grabbed Sunny and Violet dragged the triplets into her room and the five of them squished into a bed which was far too small for five people and talked until they were too tired to talk. And then it was just Violet and Klaus.

“We won’t let anything happen.” Violet said. “We won’t lose them again.”

“We won’t lose anyone.” Klaus agreed. It was nice, in a terrible way, that Violet trusted him like this. Trusted him to help her keep everyone together. And Klaus would be damned if he broke that trust.

There were many chores they had to do the next morning. The group started downtown as the crows were roosting uptown by sweeping the streets of feathers. Then they washed Mr. Lesko's windows, polished all the doorknobs at the Verhoogen family's mansion, and trimmed Mrs. Morrow's hedges. Hector clipped the hedges while the children gathered the removed branches. Violet was trailing behind Hector getting the biggest branches while the Quagmires picked up the smaller ones. Sunny was shaking the shrubs to get the bits that didn’t fall and Klaus was talking to a bird.

“Can you say nevermore? Nevermore?” Klaus prompted a bird.

“Birds can’t talk, Klaus.” Violet was shoving shrubbery clippings into a bag.

"Actually, some birds can talk," Klaus said. "I read an ornithological encyclopedia that discussed the parrot and the myna bird, which both can imitate human speech."

“A crow isn’t a parrot or a myna bird.” Violet said.

“Yes but several members of the corvids or crow family, such as ravens, can mimic human speech. Of course the best talking crows are the ones found in captivity at zoos and wildlife centers but crows can talk.” Klaus said. “Nevermore, say nevermore.”

The bird squawked and flew away. “Did you get rejected by a bird?” Duncan was laughing.

Isadora patted his shoulder and said. “Come on let’s finish up, I’m starving.”

They had a lunch of cabbage sandwiches that one of VFD's restaurant owners had agreed to provide as his part in the village's attempt to raise the children then Hector read off the second part of the day’s chores. The uptown chores included such tedious duties as making citizens' beds, washing townspeople's dishes, preparing enough hot fudge sundaes for the entire Council of Elders to enjoy as an afternoon snack, and polishing Fowl Fountain. By the time the children and Hector got back to the house the Baudelaires felt like they had run laps at Prufrock Prep again and the Quagmires felt like they had spent another night wide awake after getting captured by Olaf. That was to say they were tired.

“Maybe Olaf’s plan is a retry of Prufrock Prep.” Klaus said, face down on Hector's couch.

“I doubt he came up with us doing these chores.” Duncan was sitting on the same coach and had Klaus’ legs thrown over him.

“Esmé was here before us.” Isadora pointed out from the floor, she was on her back.

“If I ever meet who is telling them where we are.” Violet didn’t need to finish her sentence.

“Secretary.” Sunny guessed. She was on Violet’s lap in the chair next to the couch.

“Mr. Poe’s secretary?” Klaus asked.

“I mean she would know where we are going, before us even.” Violet agreed.

“Nothing we can do about it now, it’s not like we can call Poe. All mechanical devices are banned.” Duncan said.

“We could inform the council of elders.” Isadora said. “They said no villains are allowed in city limits and working with Olaf would make Esmé a villain.”

“We have not had great experience with asking for help.” Klaus said. “They would probably just yell at us for some other rule we just broke, like no eye contact with anyone older than you on a thursday.”

“That’s pessimistic.” Isadora said.

“The optimist in me died some time between Josephine and getting hypnotized.” Klaus said.

“How is the hypnosis going?” Duncan asked. “Violet mentioned that you were trying to break it.”

“I want to crawl out of my skin whenever someone says the word but I am no longer susceptible, so.” He trailed off.

“That’s good.” Hector called dinner right then. “Alright get off me, I’m hungry.”

After dinner Hector brought the children into the barn, it was the best place they had seen in the entire town yet. In one corner there were piles and piles of books and in the other it was filled with mechanical objects, some of which had been taken apart. And in the very center was a huge basket, or rather a series of baskets tied together, connected to many large balloons. And in the center basket was the largest engine that Violet had ever seen. Of course the children couldn’t spend too long in the building but between the books and the machinery there was enough to do to fill two lifetimes. Violet, of course, looked at the engine that had been giving Hector trouble and Klaus was looking through the books. Isadora was also looking through books, she had begun to read one about Ogden Nash, another poet who wrote couplets. And Duncan was writing, he had finished documenting his and Isadora’s time with Olaf and was moving on to Violet’s, as Klaus was busy.

The next day progressed the same as the one before, but as they were polishing the fountain the council of elders approached.

"Fowl Fountain still doesn't look completely clean," said one of the elders.

"We're not completely finished cleaning it," Violet explained politely. "I do hope you enjoyed your hot fudge sundaes that we prepared for you earlier." 

"They were okay," another one of them said.

"Mine had too many nuts," someone one else said. "Rule 961 clearly states that the Council of Elders' hot fudge sundaes cannot have more than fifteen pieces of nuts each, and mine might have had more than that." 

"I'm very sorry to hear that," Klaus said, everyone ignored his sarcasm. 

"We've stacked up the dirty ice cream dishes in the Snack Hut," the third one said. "Tomorrow afternoon you'll wash them as part of your uptown chores. But we came to tell Hector something." 

Hector was hiding behind the fountain.

"I'm sorry," Isadora said. "Hector is occupied at the moment. May I give him a message?"

"I suppose so," one of them said. "If we can trust a little girl like you to deliver it." 

"The message is very important," the second one said.

"The message is this," said the third member of the Council of Elders. "Count Omar has been captured.”

No one spoke.

"It's true," said one of the Elders, taking the silence for disbelief. "A man arrived in town this morning, with one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye on his ankle." 

“Let’s not jump to conclusions.” Violet said.

“I wanna jump.” Klaus said.

“We rarely get what we want.” Violet pointed out. “May we see Count Olaf?”

“Why, I don’t see why you would want to?” One of the elders said. “But I suppose you may.”

“Wonderful. Point us?” Isadora asked, hoping to see Olaf in a cage.

“Once you finish your chores.” Another butted in.

“Mmm, yes.” The first agreed. “Once you finish Hector may bring you to the jail to see Count Omar.”

It was the fastest a fountain had ever been cleaned, in less than 5 minutes the children were in the jailhouse with Hector and a few elders. 

"We've even contacted The Daily Punctilio, and they'll write a story about it. Soon the whole world will know that Count Omar has been captured at last." One of the ladies had been bragging because she had spotted him.

“And then burned at the stake.” The eldest elder added.

“Burned?” Violet looked to her brother who grimaced and gave an exaggerated shudder.

"Of course," an Elder said. "Whenever we capture rulebreakers, we tie them to a wooden pole and light a fire underneath their feet. That's why I warned you about the number of nuts on my hot fudge sundae. It would be a shame to light you on fire."

“No nuance huh?” Isadora said.

"Of course," another Elder replied. "Rule 2 clearly states that anyone who breaks a rule is burned at the stake. If we didn't burn a rule breaker at the stake, we would be rule breakers ourselves, and someone else would have to burn us at the stake. Understand?" 

“Yes.” Violet said because they had finally found the key to the cell. As it opened the children’s hearts pounded in anticipation of seeing Olaf behind bars.

“That’s not Olaf.” Duncan said.

“Thank you! My name is Jacques Snicket and I-” The man tried to say.

“Hush.” A mean looking elder said. “Of course he’s Olaf, he has one eyebrow and a tattoo of an eye.”

"But lots of people have only one eyebrow," Jacques cried, "and I have this tattoo as part of my job."

"And your job is villain!" Another elder said. "Rule 19,833 clearly states that no villains are allowed within the city limits, so we get to burn you at the stake!"

“That is not Olaf.” Violet said forcefully. “Officer Luciana must have made a mistake in arresting him, and we don't want to make things worse by burning an innocent man at the stake." 

"It is you who are making things worse," Esmé walked in. "Obviously, the shock of seeing Count Olaf has confused these children," she said to them. 

"Of course it has!" agreed an elder. "Speaking as a member of the town serving as their legal guardian, I say that these children clearly need to be put to bed. Now, are there any adults who wish to speak?"

All the children looked to Hector, who kept his eyes on the ground.

"I hereby close the matter," an Elder said. "Hector, please take the Baudelaires home. We will burn Olaf tomorrow as it is far too late to burn someone today.”

Violet turned on Hector once he had dragged them far enough away. “Why did you say anything!”

“I can talk around the elders, you know this.” Hector said.

“An innocent man is going to die! You could have stopped it.” Violet said.

“They would never listen to me. They never have in the past.” Hector said.

Violet looked like she was going to keep going but Klaus cut her off. “Hey Vi, did those bars look like steel to you?”

Violet’s eyes lit up. “You know I think they did.” Both the Quagmires and Sunny were smiling.

Klaus pushed up his glasses. “I think it might be time for another jailbreak.”

“We are going to need a way out, I will see if I can fix the engine.” Violet turned to Hector. “Would you be willing to leave tomorrow.”

“Yes.” Hector agreed immediately. “I just need tonight to get everything ready.”

“We can help.” Isadora said.

“That will speed things up.” Hector agreed.

“Okay game plan I fix the engine, Klaus once night falls go get Jacques, Isadora, Duncan, you are with Hector.” Violet looked to her sister. “Sunny?”

“Watch.” She said and Violet nodded.


	30. jailbreak, kinda

It was far too easy to break into VFD’s jail. It took Klaus longer to get there than to get in, so armed with a torch which had saved his friends he approached not Olaf.

“Klaus Baudelaire?” Jacques asked, seeing the figure of a preteen boy.

“You know me?” Klaus was whispering and glancing around.

“I knew your parents. They were good people.” He said. “Why are you here?”

Klaus didn’t answer, just turned on the torch. “Don’t worry I’ve done this before.”

“Of course you have.” Jacques was staring as he lit up the bars. “You’re a Baudelaire, why wouldn’t you have?”

Klaus was on his second bar when he heard voices outside the building, one was Esmé, he had heard it just a few hours ago, but the other one took a moment. He almost dropped the torch when the voice clicked as Olaf. Klaus shoved the off torch into Jacques' hands.

“Do your best, I’m going to cause a distraction.” Klaus ran out before he could answer.

If Jacques was not expecting Beatrice and Bertrand’s children to be like that, it was his own fault. Still when loud booms and flashes of light shined through the windows it felt like any expectations were blown out of the water. Klaus ran back in.

“What was that?” Jacques was working on the third bar.

“Sunny got me fireworks, seemed appropriate, I mean we did just catch Olaf.” Klaus had a slightly manic grin, truly his mother’s son.

“The baby?” He thought Sunny was the baby.

“She’s really a toddler now.” Klaus said. His distraction did work to buy a few minutes, it was only once Jacques had given Klaus back the torch that Esmé and Olaf were entering the building. They both froze then Klaus launched himself behind the desk and Jacques just managed to get through the hole.

“Oooo, an escapee.” Esmé said. Klaus held his breath as the couple passed his hiding spot.

“Naughty, naughty Jacques.” She had a predatorial grin.

“Esmé, Olaf, nice to see you again.” Jacques didn’t seem surprised.

“Is it? Is it nice?” Olaf sneered.

“To be honest, the day my sister dumped you was the best of my life.” Klaus clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from gasping. 

“Don’t mention that bitch!” Esmé said. “Her and Beatrice stole from me!”

“It was a sugar bowl Esmé, there are people who are dying.” Jacques said.

“Oh there sure are people who are dying.” Olaf said. “You.”

There was a scuffle and Klaus peaked his head around the side of the desk right as Olaf smacked Jacques head against a bar, and with a crack he hit the ground.

“Do you have the things?” Olaf asked.

“No.” Esmé said.

“What.” he turned to her. “You were supposed to bring them.”

“Well I didn’t.” Esmé was picking at her nails.

“Well let's go get them.” Olaf walked out and Esmé followed.

Klaus crawled over to Jacques and felt for a pulse, he found none. “Fuck.” Klaus squeezed his eyes shut. “Oh I need to go.”  
Sprinting back to Hector’s was one of the more stressful things Klaus had done and the fact it wasn’t the most stressful was messed up.

Violet jumped when her brother busted into the barn with windswept hair, panting. Sunny was crawling as quickly as she could behind him.

“Jacques is dead.” Klaus gasped out.

“What?” Violet said.

“Olaf killed him.” He was taking deep breaths. “In front of me.”

“Again? Do we need to put you in a bubble?” Violet asked.

“No we need to go, are you ready.” Klaus said.

“Yeah, I discovered a few small flaws in the self-sustaining hot air mobile home. The engine conductivity was low, due to some problems with the electromagnetic generator Hector built. This meant that the inflation rate of the balloons was often uneven, so I reconfigured some key conduits. Also, the water circulation system was run on ill-fitting pipes, which meant that the self sustaining aspect of the food center probably wouldn't last as long as it should, so I rerouted some of the aquacycling." Violet had started rambling.

“Super cool, not the time.” He handed her Sunny and moved to go to the house. “Get this thing take off ready, I’m going to get everyone else.”

Klaus ran to the house, in the kitchen everything was packet up and he could hear footsteps above him. “Got to go!” he all as he ran into his room and shoved everything he had taken out of his bag back in. In all honesty the Baudelaire siblings were ready to leave at a moment's notice at that point so getting his sisters’ things took no time.

“Start grabbing things there is a dead man.” Klaus said to Isadora who had moved back down into the kitchen. 

“Jacques is dead?” She has to jog to keep up with Klaus.

“Bombs ahead Vi.” Klaus tossed their things up. “Olaf killed him.”

They ran into Duncan on the way back to the house. “Hey Duncan, Jacques is dead, hurry up.”

“What?” He shouted but they were already gone.

“Klaus, did you set off those fireworks?” Hector asked. 

“Yes, Jacques is dead.” he clapped his hands. “Let’s go.”

It took very little time for everyone to get everything on the home, but by the time they were finished it was still morning rather than night. Violet was outside to help open the roof to get the balloon out when she saw a group of, probably, people coming.

“Mob is coming!” Violet called in.

“Oh god why?” Klaus said from inside.

“We are going to need someone to stall.” Violet said.

“Please don’t be me, please don’t be me.” Klaus whispered to himself.

“Klaus.” Violet called.

“Fuck.” He walked out and saw the slightly closer group. “What do you need me to do?”

“Give us enough time to open this roof up and get the balloon ready to go.” Violet ignored his question.

“On it.” He started walking to the group.

He could see that Olaf and Esmé were leading the group, it was filled with the townspeople and they seemed mad. There weren’t many of the council of elders, which was good because some of them were probably so old the walk would kill them. This place had enough ghosts as is.

“Hello everyone,” Klaus called once he was close. “I don’t think chores start for another hour so I cannot imagine why you all are here.”

“Hello.” Olaf said. Klaus had seen him the night before but it was dark so he couldn’t see the ridiculous outfit he was wearing. He was wearing a turquoise blazer and a pair of silver pants decorated with tiny mirrors. A pair of enormous sunglasses covered the entire upper half of his face, hiding his identity. And worst of all was he wasn’t wearing a shirt, just a gold chain with a fake police badge hanging on it. “I am Detective Dupin.”

“I thought we already had a police chief?” Klaus said, playing along.

“I brought him in because there was a murder, Count Olaf died last night.” Esmé said.

“Who?” If Klaus was going to do this he was going to do it.

“The man who was chasing you all over the place, you saw him yesterday.” Esmé explained.

“Oh you mean Count Omar.” Klaus said. “He can’t be dead. I saw him yesterday.”

“He died during the night.” Esmé said. “While he was breaking out of jail.”

“Well I’m very glad you caught him if he was breaking out of jail.” Klaus said. There were a few murmurs of agreement from the crowd. “You must be very good at your job.”

“I am but I did not catch him, he was killed before he could escape.” Esmé said.

“Count Omar?” Klaus was having fun.

“Yes Count Omar.” Esmé was not.

“Oh well you all didn’t need to come out to tell us this, we could've found out when we came to do chores this morning.” Klaus said.

“We didn’t need to tell you because you killed him.” Olaf said.

“Killed who?” Klaus asked.

“Count Omar.” Olaf said.

“Why would I kill Count Omar, he was in jail?” Klaus was hoping Violet hurried up.

“That is the question.” Olaf said. 

“What’s the question?” Klaus asked.

“Why did you kill Count Omar.” Olaf said.

“I didn’t.” Klaus said. “I would never kill anyone, it's against the rules.”

“It is Rule 201, no murder.” One of the elders who came said.

“Well I found your glasses at the scene of the crime.” Olaf said.

Klaus’ heart jumped and he reached up to check, Klaus took off his glasses and said, “my glasses are right here.”

“Then what are these?” He held up a pair of glasses. 

“A different pair of glasses.” Klaus said.

"It's just not cool," Count Olaf said, using a dumb voice, "to disagree with Detective Dupin."

Klaus grabbed the glasses and checked the side. “These glasses say Party City on them, I don’t even think they are real.” 

“It is also not cool to touch the evidence.” Olaf grabbed the glasses back. “It’s not just the glasses, I also have a ribbon, like the one your sister wears.”

“My sister would never wear that ribbon, it’s ugly.” It was ugly, it had a large plastic daisy glued onto it and it was bright pink.

“And finally there were teeth marks all over the body, and the only one uncool enough to bite someone to death is Sunny Baudelaire.”

“Sunny is a baby, how could she bite someone to death?” Klaus didn’t like how the crowd was glancing at the house.

“Detective Dupin,” One of the elders said. “I agree that the baby killed the man, but I don’t think the boy did.”

“Yeah.” A few people agreed.

“I mean should he be punished for what his sister did?” The elder continued.

“I do think the other girl was part of it.” Someone else shouted which spurred agreements.

“I think you are right.” Olaf took what he could get. “And those girls tried to bring their brother down with them.”

"I will send a message to Mr. Poe right away," the elder continued, "and the banker will come and remove them in a few days." 

"A few days is too long to wait!" Mrs. Morrow said, and several citizens cheered in agreement. "These children need to be taken care of as quickly as possible." 

"I say that we burn them at the stake!" cried Mr. Lesko.

“There isn’t enough evidence, a ribbon and some bite marks don’t prove murder.” Klaus tried to get the crowd to calm down.

"It's enough evidence for me!" an elder cried. “Let’s go get them and burn them right now.”

"Hold on a moment," another elder said. "We can't simply burn people at the stake whenever we want!" Klaus sighed. "I have a very important appointment in ten minutes," the elder continued. "So it's too late to do it now. How about after lunch?" 

"That's no good," said another member of the Council. "I'm having a picnic then. How about after dinner?" 

"Yes," someone said from the crowd. "Right after dinner! That's a perfect time!" 

"Hear, hear!" Mr. Lesko cried. “Let’s go get them and put them in jail so they cant run away!”

“Shit.” Klaus thought. The townspeople were completely convinced that his sisters murdered a man and were going to storm the house to find them, it was actually a mob. Klaus had to think of something. “Oh Violet’s going to kill me.”

“You know what I confess.” Klaus said quickly.

“You didn’t kill anyone.” Mrs. Morrow said. “Your sisters did.”

“I’m not going to let sisters burn for something I did.” Klaus said. Violet was so going to kill him. “I killed Omar.”

“Prove it.” Mr. Lesko said.

“I saw him breaking out and thought that I couldn’t let that happen so I stopped him by hitting his head on the wall, I didn’t mean to kill him.” Klaus looked significantly at Olaf who paled. “I even have the torch he used to melt the bars.” Klaus brought out the torch.

Duncan was keeping watch on the crowd as Klaus delayed them, it seemed to be going well. Or it did because now Klaus was putting his hands up and where those, yep those were handcuffs. “Violet your brother got arrested.”

At least the crowd was leaving. “He what?” She shouted.

Violet ran out and saw Klaus getting led away by Olaf. “I am going to kill him.”

“Olaf or Klaus?” Duncan asked.

“Depends.” The crowd was back to being a blurry figure. “If they burn him before I can break him out, Olaf. If not, Klaus.”

“We should go get him.” Duncan got up to go after the crowd.

“No.” Violet said. “I am going to go get him. You, Isadora, and Sunny are going to get the balloon ready to go so that once we are ready we can leave.”

Klaus got uncuffed once he got to the cell, he had to go in the two person one as the other one had its bars melted off.

“What is this the second time?” Olaf asked. “How many people are you going to see die?”

“Well zero after tonight.” Klaus said. “Sounds like I’m going to die.”

“Yes you are, there is no way you are getting out of this. And once you are dead I’m going back for your sisters and I will get your fortune.” Olaf sneered. 

Klaus gave him a thumbs up.

“Do you not care that you are going to die in like 10 hours?” Olaf asked.

“Nope.” Klaus looked over Olaf’s shoulder, he turned but Olaf didn’t see anyone. Olaf gave one last mean smile then left the room, door slamming shut behind him, revealing Violet.

Violet walked forward and leaned against the desk in the main room. “You know I always knew you would be the first arrested.”

“Only the first?” Klaus asked.

“You telling me Sunny’s not going to get arrested?” Violet said.

“They’d have to catch her first.” Klaus said. “Now get me out.”

“Pushy.” Violet kneeled down to look at the lock on the door, she consisted for a moment before pulling out a few bits of metal. “These should work like a lock pick.”

“Oh should they?” A voice said from behind them. “Trying to break a murder out of jail, that’s a crime.”

“We forgot about Esmé.” Klaus whispered.

“Yes we did.” Violet whispered back.

Two of the three Baudelaires had now been arrested and were going to be burnt at the stake in a few hours. Violet’s pocket’s had been emptied of anything which could be used to pick the lock, so now the siblings were sitting around.

“No one is coming for us?” Klaus asked.

“Nope.” Violet said.

“Great, any ideas?” Klaus was laying on the wooden bench and Violet was sitting on the floor.

“Nope, you?” Violet said.

“No they took my torch.” Klaus said.

“Got anything else useful?” Violet asked.

“I don’t think a lighter will-” Klaus trailed off. “I still have a firework.”

“Could work as an SOS.” Violet said. “Gimme.”

Klaus handed over the firework and Violet pulled the bench so she could get to the window, which was just a hole with some bars over it. She tilted the firework towards Hector’s house and lit it. There was a whistle sound then a huge boom and a blast of smoke, fireworks don’t look very cool during the day. 

“If that doesn’t get their attention then nothing will.” Violet said.

“I wonder what that was?” Isadora said, there was just a huge boom and the children would have gone to check it out but the balloon had to be ready to go once Violet got back.

“They’ve been gone a while haven’t they?” Duncan said. “Should we go look for them?”

“Violet said to make sure that the balloon was ready.” Isadora said.

“It’s ready.” Hector shouted from the middle basket.

“We shouldn’t go look for them.” Isadora said.

“I'm sure they are fine.” Duncan agreed.

“We would probably just run into them on their way back.” Isadora said.

Sunny was sick of the back and forth. “Go.” She said.

“Are you sure Sunny?” Isadora asked.

“Yes, we go.” Sunny said, and lifted her hands to be picked up.

“Well if you insist.” Duncan picked her up. “Hector, we are going to go get them, get the mobile home up and going.”

“Got it!” Hector shouted.

“I don’t think they are coming.” Klaus said.

“They are coming.” Violet said

“I’m too young to die Violet.” Klaus complained.

“You are 12, that’s old enough.” Violet said.

Klaus didn’t respond, Violet sat up, she thought that they were snarking to pass the time while they waited to be rescued. “Klaus why are you crying?” She was worried. “We aren’t going to die. I was just joking.

“I’m 13. Today’s my birthday.” Klaus said.

"Oh, Klaus," Violet sat on the bench and hugged her brother. "It is your birthday. We forgot all about it." 

"I forgot all about it myself, until this very moment," Klaus said. “I’m spending my birthday in jail!”

“Hey that’ll be a hell of a conversation started ‘Hi I’m Klaus, and I spent my 13th birthday in jail’.” Violet said.

Klaus was laughing. “That’s not funny Violet.”

“You’re laughing.” She said. “Klaus, I am prepared to offer you the birthday gift of your choice. Anything at all that you want in the cell, you can have."

“What I really want is to be out of this stupid cell.” Klaus said.

The door opened and the siblings sat up expecting Olaf, or maybe Esmé again, but instead the Quagmires and Sunny walked in.

“Did you both get arrested?” Duncan asked.

“Klaus why are you crying?” Isadora asked.

“It’s my birthday.” Klaus explained.

“Happy birthday.” Isadora said.

“We can do this after you get us out.” Violet said.

“How are we supposed to do that?” Duncan said.

“I think Sunny’s got that figured out.” Klaus pointed to Sunny who had grabbed the key Esmé had left on the desk after she locked Violet in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how much fun I had with this chapter lol.


	31. An Important Conversation

The town square was empty thankfully, but the piles of wood to burn Klaus and Violet laying around didn’t ease the dread they were feeling. The children didn’t have time to talk though, Hector wouldn’t be able to wait much longer, the balloon was ready to get off the ground. 

“Is that fire?” Violet didn’t want the answer.

“Great Olaf made a real mob, torches and all.” Klaus said.

“Let’s go.” Isadora said. 

"They've escaped!" An elder cried. "Rule 1,742 clearly states that no one is allowed to escape from jail. How dare they disobey this rule!" 

The children didn’t wait for the crowd to realize that they were still close by, they ran down a random street. And then another when the street had some citizens blocking it. And then the new street had people. It took the children much longer than it should have to get through the streets because of all the people fanned out to look for them.

"There they are!" a voice cried, and in an instant the children realized they had neglected to look behind them. About two blocks back was Mr. Lesko, leading a small group of torch carrying citizens straight up the street. The day was getting later, and the torches left long, skinny shadows on the sidewalk as if the mob were being led by slithering black serpents, instead of a man in plaid pants. "There are the orphans!" Mr. Lesko cried triumphantly. "After them, citizens!" 

"All five of the orphans are here, let’s burn them all." said an Elder in the crowd.

"Why not?" said another Elder. "We already have torches and kindling, and I don't have anything else to do right now." 

“Where’s Sunny?” Klaus asked.

“What?” Violet asked.

At that moment the firetruck which had been trapped in one of the lawns drove up. Sunny was in the driver’s seat.

“Yeah!” Klaus called and ran over.

“Where did Sunny learn how to drive?” Violet asked.

“How can Sunny drive!” Duncan asked.

“Scoot over, you can drive when you can reach the pedals with something other than bricks.” Klaus said.

“When did you learn how to drive?” Violet asked.

“You should’ve come to Sunny’s pediatrician appointments, mom used to let us drive around the old movie theater’s parking lot.” Klaus kicked the brick off the break. “Hold on.”

Klaus floored it and drove through another fence, it took very little time to get to Hector’s in the car. He parked by the barn and the five of them hopped out, but when they opened the barn doors Hector was gone, and so was the mobile home.

“We must have missed him.” Isadora said.

“Not yet.” Violet said and pointed, in the distance you could see the balloons in the sky. “Can you catch us up Klaus?”

“Absolutely.” Klaus said.

If Violet, Isadora, and Duncan never got in a car with Klaus behind the wheel again I wouldn’t blame them. He hit three mailboxes, five curbs, and another fence. But they did catch up with Hector. Klaus parked the car and stuck his head out the window. “Hector!”

"Here I am!" the handyman called from the control basket. "And here it is, like a bolt from the blue! Violet, your improvements are working perfectly. Climb aboard, and we'll escape from this wretched place." he threw down a rope ladder but it didn’t reach the ground. "Because my invention is self sustaining," he explained, "it isn't designed to come back down to the ground, so you'll have to climb up this ladder." 

Klaus pressed a button with a ladder on it and the firetruck’s ladder lifted up to reach the rope on. All the children had climbed onto the back of the truck when they saw the mob again, and they looked mad. Isadora climbed first, then Duncan. Violet motioned for Klaus to go.

“I should go last and hold Sunny.” he said.

“Right.” Violet started climbing.

“Stop! Criminals!” Esmé called once they got close enough. She was holding a blanket which was covering something.

"Why, Hector!" an Elder said. "Rule 67 clearly states that no citizen is allowed to build or use any mechanical devices. Why would you do this?”

"I don't want to live in a place with so many rules," Hector replied, "or a place with so many crows. I'm floating away from here, and I'm taking these five children with me. The Baudelaires and the Quagmires have had a horrible time since their parents died. The Village of Fowl Devotees ought to be taking care of them, instead of accusing them of things and chasing them through the streets." 

"But who's going to do our chores?" an Elder asked. "The Snack Hut is still full of dirty dishes from our hot fudge sundaes." 

"You should do your own chores," the handyman said, "or take turns doing them according to a fair schedule. The aphorism is 'It takes a village to raise a child,' not ‘five children should clean up after a village.' Kids, climb aboard. Let's leave these terrible people behind us." 

"They're getting away!" another Elder called. "The rulebreakers are getting away! Officer Luciana, do something!"

"I'll do something, all right," Esmé said. Duncan had just reached the rope ladder when she tossed away the blanket, revealing a harpoon gun. "You're not the only one with a mechanical device!" she called up to Hector. "This is a harpoon gun that my boyfriend bought for me. It fires four hooked harpoons, which are long spears perfect for popping balloons." 

"Oh no!" Hector said, looking down at the climbing children, Violet had just reached the rope portion.

"Raise the self-sustaining hot air mobile home, Hector!" Violet called. "We'll keep climbing!" 

"Our Chief of Police is using a mechanical device?" Mrs. Morrow asked in astonishment. "That means she's breaking Rule 67, too." 

"Officers of the law are allowed to break rules," Luciana said, aiming the harpoon gun in Hector's direction. "Besides, this is an emergency. We need to get those murderers down from there." The crowd didn’t look sure but no one made any move to stop her. And with a harsh click the first harpoon was launched, and it hit. Not a balloon thankfully but one of the baskets.

"Officer Luciana," said one of the council of elders in the crowd, "I don't think you should break the rules in order to capture people who have broken the rules. It doesn't make sense." 

"Hear, hear!" called out a townsperson from the opposite side of the crowd. "Why don't you put down the harpoon gun, and we'll walk over to Town Hall and have a council meeting." 

"It's not cool," called out a voice, "to have meetings!"

“Is Olaf on a motorcycle?” Klaus had reached the rope.

"Detective Dupin is using a mechanical device too?" an Elder asked. "We can't burn everyone at the stake!" 

"Dupin isn't a citizen," another member of the Council pointed out, "so he's not breaking Rule 67." 

"But he's riding through a crowd of people," Mr. Lesko said, "and he's not wearing a helmet. He's not showing good judgment, that's for sure." 

“It’s not cool to disagree with me.” Olaf said. “But it is cool to fire away.”

Esmé gave a wicked grin and hefted the harpoon up. “I’m going to fly higher, over the crows.” Shouted Hector.

“No!” Violet wouldn’t survive that fall, but Hector was starting to bring the home up. But before he could Esmé fired.

She missed again, but she hit the rope ladder and a bird. It hit between Violet and Duncan but it hadn’t snapped; Violet knew that that was not going to last long, her and Klaus’ weight would break the rope before they could make it up.

“We need to climb down.” Violet said and Klaus nodded gravely.

“She hit a crow!” An elder cried.

"You harmed a crow!" Mrs. Morrow said in horror, pointing at Officer Luciana. "That's Rule 1! That's the most important rule of all!"

"Oh, it's just a stupid bird," Olaf said, turning to face the horrified citizens. 

"A stupid bird?" An elder said. "A stupid bird? Burn him!”

It was like a switch flipped and suddenly the crowd no longer cared about the children and all their anger was turned on Olaf and Esmé.

Violet and Klaus had made it back to the fire truck ladder when Isadora said, “you said you wouldn’t leave us again, we aren’t leaving you. Sorry Hector.”

“Don’t you dare climb down that ladder!” Violet shouted.

“It’s okay kids, take care of each other.” Hector called down.

“We will.” Duncan had reached the fire truck ladder.

It was right when Isadora let go of the rope ladder that it broke fully, only holding on by one side and swaying in the wind.

"And let's burn Officer Luciana, too!" Mrs. Morrow said. "She hit the crow!" 

"We don't want all these torches to go to waste!" cried an elder. 

"Hear, hear!" 

“Time to go.” Olaf got back on the motorcycle. “Hop on babe.”

“This place is out anyway.” Esmé said.

"So long, Baudelaires!" Count Olaf called, zooming through the angry crowd. "I'll find you again, if the authorities don't find you first!"

"We'll never catch up to them," an elder said with a frown. "Not without any mechanical devices." 

"Never mind about that," another elder replied. "We have more important things to attend to. Hurry, everyone! Rush this crow to the VFD vet!"

The Baudelaires and Quagmires were left alone.

“What now?” Klaus asked, it seemed to quiet with just them and the sound of birds.

“Let’s get out of here.” Violet said. “Before that mob remembers us.”

“Where will we go?” Isadora asked.

"Anywhere, as long as it's out of town." Violet said.

"Who will take care of us out there?" Klaus asked.

"Nobody," Violet said. "We'll have to take care of ourselves. We'll have to be self sustaining." 

"Like the hot air mobile home," Klaus said, "that could travel and survive all by itself." 

"Like me," Sunny said, and abruptly stood up.

“Yeah Sunny.” Klaus was weepy again. “Everyone get in the truck.”

And so they did, and Klaus drove considerably better but to be fair there wasn’t really anything for him to hit. It was after about an hour and a half that Duncan said, “pull over.”

“Duncan?” Violet asked.

“No he’s right pull over.” Isadora could ignore a lot but it was too much.

Klaus stopped the car and turned around. “What’s up?”

The triplets looked at each other and then Isadora started, “we didn’t question how Klaus got us out of that cage or all of the weird looks you would have or the half sentences but Sunny drove. A car. Babies can’t do that, toddlers can’t do that.”

“What are we missing?” Duncan said. They hadn’t really gotten to talk about it but the Quagmires could see what was in front of them, even if they didn’t understand it.

“Vi.” Klaus looked to his sister.

“We can’t.” Violet said.

“What we’re just supposed to never tell anyone, if not them then who?” Klaus said.

“Mom and dad-” Violet said.

Klaus cut in. “Mom and dad aren’t here. And they couldn’t have predicted this.”

“It’s not safe.” The Quagmires didn’t cut in, they wanted to but they held their tongues.

“Our lives aren’t safe, and we aren’t making them safe by limiting what’s in our toolbox.” Klaus pointed.

Violet turned to Sunny. “What do you think?”

Sunny thought for a moment. “Friends.” She was of course saying so much more but the Quagmires could hear that.

“Okay.” Violet turned to the triplets. “Don’t scream.”

“Why would we-” Duncan froze, so did Isadora. Violet disappeared.

“What?” Isadora choked out.

“Um,” The disembodied voice of Violet said. “We have superpowers.”

“How?” Duncan asked.

“We don’t know?” Klaus said. Violet came back.

“So you were just born?” The Quagmires had stopped using full sentences and that was concerning.

“Yeah, little baby Violet turned invisible in the crib, scared the life out of our parents apparently.” Klaus said.

“What about-” Isadora looked at Klaus and Sunny.

“Oh well I can levitate and Sunshine here is a telepath.” Klaus said.

“Might have some intelligence thing, too. It's not like there was a manual.” Violet added.

Sunny pushed into both their heads, the triplets gave out a shout of surprise. “We have two powers, don't let them get away with not telling you.”

“Oh that’s so weird.” Duncan said. “Two powers?”

“Snitch.” Klaus said to Sunny who just shrugged. “Yes, I can see ghosts.”

“Ghosts?” Isadora didn’t believe in all that.

“It’s true, he talked to our grandma once and gave our dad his whole life story. Scary at the time, funny now.” Violet said. “Mine’s not as fun.” She made a forcefield with her hand.

“Oh my god.” Isadora felt like she went crazy.

Duncan almost didn’t want to ask. “Sunny?”

“Her teeth.” Klaus said. “We used to use her to open cans.”

Sunny then lifted a piece of metal from the ground and bit clean through it. “Sunny!” Klaus said. “Stop putting things from the ground in your mouth.”

“I need to lay down.” Duncan said.

“Me too.” Isadora said.

“Okay you guys do that, I’m going to keep driving.” Klaus turned back and started the car back up.

“I drive?” Sunny asked.

“Fine but I’m doing the pedals.” Klaus let Sunny climb onto his lap and grab the wheel. “Just drive till we run out of gas or find a gas station.”

Sunny gave a salute and then Klaus put the car back in drive and they were off. The car had a full tank so they were able to drive through the entire night. By the time morning broke Klaus was exhausted, he was the only one who knew how to drive, who could also reach the pedals, so it fell to him. Also by the time morning broke the gas tank was next to empty and he hadn’t spotted a single building the entire night so he was also quite worried.

Violet woke up when sunlight shone directly onto her face. “Morning.” She whispered.

“Morning.” Klaus kept his eyes on the road, even if it was empty. “We’re almost out of gas.”

“Found anywhere to lay low?” Violet climbed to join her brother in the front.

“Nope. Just miles and miles of nothing.” Klaus said.

“I’m sure something will come up.” Violet said and the siblings fell quiet. It was kinda peaceful, with the rising sun and empty roads.

They were able to drive a few miles more but before long the car came to a stop. “Out of gas.” Klaus said.

Violet looked back at the sleeping kids, Sunny was laying on Isadora who had her head on Duncan’s stomach. “We should let them sleep.”

The eldest Baudelaire siblings ended up sitting on top of the truck while waiting for their sister and friends to wake up. Klaus was talking about a book he had read while at Esmé’s, it was about a doctor who fell in love with a nurse.

“A romance book?” Klaus didn’t read romance books.

“Mom was reading it, she used to sit in the big chair in the library and read with me. I’m not sure if she ever finished it.” Klaus explained quietly.

“Ruin the ending for me?” Violet was getting better about thinking of their parents.

“The nurse dies.” Klaus said.

“That’s not a very happy ending.” Violet said.

“Not every book has to have a happy ending, at least this one had a happy middle.” Klaus said. 

“I’d take a happy middle.” Violet said. She heard people moving around in the firetruck and she took that as her cue to get down.

“Wouldn’t we all.” Klaus said mostly to himself and followed Violet down.

Violet stuck her head through the passenger door and saw Isadora and Duncan sitting up. “Hey truck’s out of gas, we’re going to half to start walking.”

“Where are we?” Isadora asked.

“You guess is as good as ours.” Klaus answered. “Sunny you walking?”

“Yes.” Sunny lifted her arms for Klaus to put her on the ground, just because she’s big now doesn’t mean that she was not still very short.

“All right.” Klaus sat her on the ground and turned to the triplets. “You guys ready?”

“Yeah.” Duncan got out of the truck and Isadora followed. It was still fairly cold out as the sun had only been up for a few hours so the children were glad that they still had their coats on. They didn’t have to walk very long before a sign came into view, it was rusted and small but the Baudelaires and Quagmires were still glad to see the words: Last Chance General Store. 5 Miles.

It took about two hours to make it to Last Chance General Store, it would have taken longer but after about 20 minutes Klaus vetoed Sunny walking anymore and they carried her to the store, toddlers don't walk very fast. But finally the store came into view, the outside was covered in faded posters advertising what was sold, which was every single thing you could think of. But the poster the children were really interested in was the one that said telegram.

“Maybe we can contact Mr. Poe.” Klaus said. "We can send a telegram inside. Maybe we can get some help that way."

“Yeah, hopefully no one has read the paper yet.” Violet said.

“The story might not have even been printed yet.” Isadora agreed.

“I hate to burst your bubble but.” Duncan held up the paper before opening it and starting to read. "Authorities are trying to capture Veronica, Klyde, and Susie Baudelaire, who escaped from the uptown jail of the Village of Fowl Devotees, where they were imprisoned for the murder of Count Omar. The murders have also taken captive the Quagmire twins, Isabella and Declan."

“Oh good.” Violet said. “Are our pictures in it?”

“All of our pictures are in it.” Duncan confirmed.

“Let’s just go in, maybe no one has read it yet?” Isadora said.

“Maybe.” Violet agreed and pushed open the door.


	32. Last Chance General Store

"Lou, is that you?" called out a voice, but the children could not see who it belonged to. The inside of the Last Chance General Store was crowded, with every inch of space crammed full of things for sale.

"No, we're not Lou," Violet called out. "We're five children, and we need to send a telegram." 

"A telegram?" called the voice, the group turned a corner and walked straight into the man. He was short and looked like he was playing dress up in the lost and found of a cruise. "You're certainly not Lou. Lou is one chubby man, and you are five skinny children. What are you doing around here so early? It's dangerous around here, you know. I've heard that this morning's Daily Punctilio has a story about three murderers who are lurking around this very neighborhood, but I haven't read it yet." 

"Newspaper stories aren't always accurate," Klaus said nervously.

The shopkeeper frowned. "Nonsense," he said. "The Daily Punctilio wouldn't print things that aren't true. If the newspaper says somebody is a murderer, then they are a murderer and that's the end of it. Now, you say you wanted to send a telegram?" 

"Yes," Violet said. "To Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management, in the city."

“Well it’s back that way,” he pointed towards the back of the shop. “Just hit the west wall and start walking south and you’re sure to bump into it.”

“Thank you very much.” Violet said and started walking. They found the telegram eventually, it was between haircare products and a wall of sweaters.

“Can you work it?” Isadora asked.

"I built one of those devices myself when I was seven, so I know how to connect the electronic circuit." Violet said.

"And I've read two books about Morse code," Klaus said. "So I can translate our message into electronic signals." 

“What do you need us to do?” Duncan asked.

“You can put on these earphones to make sure you can hear the signal being transmitted.” She handed the earphones to Duncan. “This looks fairly simple. See, Klaus, you use these two metal strips to tap out the message in Morse code, and I will connect the circuit over here.”

“What should we say?” Klaus asked.

"To: Mr. Poe at Mulctuary Money Management," Isadora said. "From: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny Baudelaire and Isadora and Duncan Quagmire. Please do not believe the story about us printed in The Daily Punctilio STOP. Count Olaf is not really dead, and we did not really murder him and we were not kidnapped STOP." 

“Soon after our arrival in the town of VFD we were informed that Count Olaf had been captured STOP," Violet dictated. "Although the arrested man had an eye tattooed on his ankle and one eyebrow instead of two, he was not Count Olaf STOP. His name was Jacques Snicket STOP."

"The next day he was found murdered, and Count Olaf arrived in town along with his girlfriend, Esmé Squalor STOP," Klaus continued, tapping away. "As part of his plan to steal the fortune our parents left behind, Count Olaf disguised himself as a detective and convinced the town of VFD that we were the murderers STOP." 

"We have managed to flee from the citizens of the town, who want to burn us at the stake for a murder that we did not commit STOP," Violet said.

"Please reply at once STOP. We are in grave danger STOP.” Klaus paused. "We are in grave danger.”

"You already sent that sentence," Duncan said.

"I know," Klaus said quietly. "I wasn't putting it into the telegram again. I was just saying it. We are in grave danger. It's almost as if I didn't realize how grave the danger was until I tapped it out into a telegram." 

“I'm sure Mr. Poe will help us. We can't be expected to solve this problem all by ourselves." Isadora said.

"But that's how we've solved every other problem," Klaus said, "ever since the fire. Mr. Poe has never done anything except send us to one disastrous home after another." 

"He'll help us this time," Violet insisted, although she did not sound very sure. "Just watch the device. He'll send back a telegram any moment now." 

"But what if he doesn't?" Klaus asked. 

“He will.” Duncan said. He didn't, the children sat there for 30 minutes and no reply came. The children weren’t sure what to do, they couldn’t call anyone, it was just luck that the owner of the general store didn’t recognize them. Sunny’s eyes drifted to the products on the wall, there were shampoos, conditioners, oils, and hair color.

“Color.” Sunny said.

“What’s up sunshine?” Klaus was napping on the telegram machine.

“Hair color. Disguise.” She pointed to the wall.

“Do we have any money?” Violet didn’t want to steal if she could help it.

“I do.” Klaus mumbled.

“How much money do you have?” Violet asked, looking at the colors.

“Like 36 bucks but it's mostly quarters and singles.” Klaus started to take out the change. 

“Where did you get so many singles?” Duncan asked.

“People shouldn't let me clean their house if they didn’t want me to grab their spare change.” Klaus said. “Compensation.”

“So bleach or black?” Violet held up the bottles.

“We should try and keep the same color, that way we can claim to be siblings.” Isadora said.

“That’s smart.” Klaus agreed. “No offense Violet but I don’t want you to bleach my hair.”

“That’s fair. So black it is.” She put the bleach bottle down. “I’ll ask if there is a bathroom.”

There was but it was small. Soon all the children had plastic wrap around their hair, even Sunny. Violet didn’t know how to feel about her hair, she didn’t hate how she looked with black hair but it was still odd. It was only when Klaus came in with scissors that she realized that she was, in fact, very attached to her hair.

“Is this really necessary Klaus?” Isadora asked over his shoulder. He was going first as no one else was ready to part with their hair quite yet.

“Yes, we need to look like different people.” Klaus wasn’t doing a great job but his hair had gotten too long and he needed a cut anyway. “How do you feel about bangs?”

“Not great.” Isadora was stuck going next as Violet and Duncan had conveniently disappeared.

Duncan and Violet were by the clothes, if Klaus asked they were getting new outfits, definitely not hiding. Violet was worried that 36 dollar wouldn’t be enough but everything in this shop was a maximum of three dollars. Duncan had an armful of clothes and they hadn’t even hit 20 dollars yet.

“It’s not terrible.” Isadora touched her bangs, they were shorter than Violet’s but Violet needed a trim anyway. Her hair had also been brought up to shoulder length. “Should I get fake glasses?”

“Yes!” Klaus said immediately. “Go send in your brother, I think Violet needs a bit more time.” Klaus threw the extra hair in the trash.

“Sir yes sir.” Isadora walked out. 

Duncan wished he could get more time, it’s not that he didn’t trust Klaus, his and Isadora’s hair looked fine, but Duncan liked his hair. He also didn’t want to go much shorter than he was at.

“It’s a haircut, not a death sentence.” Klaus was exasperated. “Come here.”

“Be gentle.” Duncan said.

“It’s hair!”

Violet wasn’t ready, she knew Klaus wouldn’t do anything drastic and she was being silly, but after everything she had gone through these past few months Violet felt she had the right to be a bit silly. But she trusted her brother and the Quagmire’s hair didn’t look terrible so Violet accepted her fate and walked into the bathroom.

“Okay Vi, here’s what I’m thinking,” Klaus gestured her over with the scissors. “We go a little longer than Isadora’s so you can still tie your hair up and we start letting your bangs grow out, I’m sure they sell clips here.”

Violet grabbed her bangs. “They are getting kinda long, but I’ve had them forever.”

“Exactly,” Klaus brushed out her hair. “We pin them back and you’ll look completely different.”

“Okay.” Klaus cut the first chunk and it fell to the ground.

Duncan and Isadora had finished getting the clothes which were distributed after Violet came out with her new hair. By the time everyone was changed and the accessories had been added the Quagmires and Baudelaires really did look like completely different people. Violet’s bangs were held back with simple blue clips which match the blue dress she had on, Isadora has the same dress but in green and her fake glasses made her unrecognizable. Klaus traded his coat for another one with inside pockets and Duncan ended up in a white shirt with a dark blazer on top. And Sunny, who had stayed with the telegram once her hair had been dyed, was wearing a red dress and had a headband with flowers glued on it.

“Our total came out to 27 dollars, which should leave us with enough to buy some food and water as well.” Violet started to pick up the tags of the clothes before Klaus stopped her.

“We aren’t buying anything. We will pay but we can’t actually buy anything.” Klaus said.

“Right, because if he sees the hair dye and new clothes it will be suspicious.” Duncan said.

“Right.” Klaus agreed.

They ended up grabbing a few granola bars and water bottles and walked up to the shopkeeper to pay. He was organizing a bunch of russian nesting dolls by the front of the shop.

“You kids checking out?” He asked.

“Yes please.” Violet said.

He looked then did a double take. “Is that what you looked like when you came in?”

“Yes?” Klaus said.

He shrugged and said, “okay then, just put the money in the register.”

“Do you know where the nearest bus stop is?” Violet asked as she put the money in the till.

“Oh far too far to walk, but you know what?” He said.

“No.” Duncan said when he didn’t continue.

“Oh right, the Volunteers Fighting Disease would probably give you a ride to the hospital and you can catch a bus from there probably. They really are a good group. Whenever they stop by, I give them gasoline for free because they do such wonderful work." He said.

"What exactly do they do?" Violet asked. 

"They fight disease, of course," the shopkeeper replied. "VFD stop by here early each morning on their way to the hospital. Every day they devote themselves to cheering up patients, and I don't have the heart to charge them for anything." 

"You're a very kind man," Klaus replied. 

"Well, it's very kind of you to say so," the shopkeeper replied.

“When will they be by?” Isadora asked.

“Oh what time is it?” He looked to the clock wall but every clock was a different time so the children couldn’t see how that would help. “8:52, oh about 8 minutes then I’d say.”

A different man walked in, holding the newspaper that Duncan had been looking at earlier. “Hey Milt, you’d never guess what I just read.”

“Lou, Lou is that you?” Milt called.

“It sure is,” he called. "And wait till you read this story about the three murderers of that Count. It's got pictures and everything. I saw the police on the way here, and they said they were closing in. The only people they allowed in the area were me and those volunteer people. They're going to capture those kids and send them right to jail."

“Kids?” Milt called.

“Yeah and they apparently kidnapped two twins. The youth these days.” Lou said.

The children were nervous, but Lou could see them and wasn’t shouting about catching them so the Baudelaires and Quagmires held out hope.

“Hey kids?” Oh they were going to get caught. “You five need to be careful.”

“Yes we do Sir.” Violet said. “But don't worry we are heading back to the city today.” Their disguise worked.

“Oh?” Lou sounded confused.

“Ah, VFD is gonna give them a ride to the hospital, catch a bus from there.” Milt explained.

“Where are your parents?” It took a lot of self control to not flinch back.

“Oh they’re meeting us there, we were visiting our aunt.” Duncan said quickly.

They were saved from any more questions by a bus pulling up.

“Well that’s your ride kids. Have a safe trip.” Milt said.

“Thank you! Goodbye.” The children chorused and walked out to meet the bus. Violet was about to knock when a man stuck his head out the window and called to them.

"We almost left you behind, brother and sisters!" he said. "We filled the van up with free gas, and now we're all set to head off to the hospital." Someone opened the back of the van and they all climbed in. "Climb aboard," he said. "We don't want our volunteers to get lost before we even sing the first verse. I heard something about murderers lurking around this area." 

"Did you read it in the newspaper?" Klaus asked, just because their new looks worked once didn’t mean they would work every time.

"Oh, no," he said. "We don't read the newspaper. It's too depressing. Our motto is 'No news is good news.' You must be new volunteers, not to know that.”

The ride over was something, Klaus and Sunny were having fun singing the repetitive and catchy song that the volunteers sang. They hadn’t been interested in the children’s names but it did make them realize that they probably should have false ones, even if the Daily Punctilio did get theirs wrong. But the most important thing that they learned was that the hospital had a library of records. Jacques had been in the back of their minds since he had died, that and what VFD really meant, and this library could be what they were looking for.

"My, you look glum," the bearded man said. "Well, don't worry. I'm sure you’ll find whatever you’re looking for so let's not see any frowny faces. Being cheerful is the whole point of Volunteers Fighting Disease." 

"What exactly will we be doing at the hospital?" Violet asked.

"Just what VFD says," a bearded man replied. "We're volunteers, and we'll be fighting diseases." 

"I hope we won't be giving shots," Duncan said. "Needles make me a bit nervous."

"Of course we won't be giving shots," the bearded man said. "We only do cheerful things. Mostly we wander the halls singing to sick people, and giving them heart-shaped balloons, like the song says." 

"But how does that fight disease?" Isadora said. 

"Because getting a cheerful balloon helps people picture getting better, and if you picture something, it makes it so," the bearded man explained. "After all, a cheerful attitude is the most effective tool against sickness." 

"I thought antibiotics were," Klaus said. 

"Or well-tested herbal remedies," Sunny said. Isadora and Duncan jumped when Sunny spoke, they had almost forgotten about the whole powers thing.

"We've just about arrived, volunteers!" the man driving called out. "We're almost at Heimlich Hospital!" He turned to the Baudelaires and pointed out at the horizon. "Isn't it a beautiful building?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why my word count per chapter took a dip but they'll rise again soon. Oh well.


	33. Heimlich Hospital

Heimlich Hospital would have been a beautiful building had it been finished, but instead half of it was just scaffolding and piles of wood. The built side was nice, with rows of tall pillars and small carved portraits of famous doctors over each window, but without its other half it just looked odd. In front of the building was a neatly mowed lawn, with occasional patches of brightly colored wildflowers. But the other half made the entire structure seem a little cold.

The inside hadn’t helped that much, the waiting room had obviously not been as important as the outside, the harsh fluorescent lighting gave the children a headache and the marble floors made their every step echo. And the intercom made a low crackle noise, even when off. However the crackle noise is nothing compared to the sound of the intercom actually going off.

"Attention!" It sounded like if a robot was talking through a fan, or as if it was a record that was skipping terribly. "Your attention please!" 

"Shh, everybody!" the bearded man said, stopping the song they had started up again once entering the hospital. "That's Babs, the Head of Human Resources at the hospital. She must have an important announcement." 

"Attention!" the voice said. "This is Babs Head of Human Resources. I have an important announcement." 

“Wh-” Klaus was shushed.

"I need five members of the Volunteers Fighting Disease who are willing to be given a new assignment," said the voice. "Those five volunteers should report immediately to my office, which is the seventeenth door on the left as you enter the finished half of the building. Instead of walking around the hallways of the hospital singing to people, these five volunteers will be working in the Library of Records here at Heimlich Hospital." 

“We'll do it.” Violet said at the same time as Isadora said, “we can do it.” and Duncan said, “We can take it.” and Klaus said, “if no one wants it.” and Sunny said, “us!”

“Sounds like they can do it.” The bearded man said. “Well better hurry Babs doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”

“Mmhmm.” Violet was walking away with the rest of the children following her. It was fairly easy to find Bab’s office thankfully.

“This seems risky.” Isadora said. “Just because some shop workers and a van full of people who don’t read the newspaper didn’t recognize us doesn’t mean no on will.”

“Count Olaf’s disguises always work.” Violet pointed out.

“We aren’t Count Olaf.” Isadora said.

“The Library of Records might be our only hope," Klaus said. "We need to find out who Jacques Snicket really was, where he worked, and how he knew us. If we get some evidence, maybe we can convince people that Count Olaf is still alive and that we're not murderers." 

"And the only way we'll get into the Library of Records is if we talk to Babs, so it's a risk we have to take." Sunny said.

"All right," Isadora said. "You've convinced me. But if Babs begins looking at us suspiciously, we'll leave, agreed?" 

"Agreed," Klaus said. 

“Deal.” Duncan raised his hand and knocked on the door.

"Who is it?" Babs' voice called out. 

"It's five members of Volunteers Fighting Disease," Violet replied. "We're here to volunteer at the Library of Records." 

"Come in," Babs said, and the children opened the door and walked into the office. "I was wondering when someone would show up," the Head of Human Resources continued. "I was just finishing up reading this morning's paper. These three terrible children are running around killing and kidnapping people." 

Babs was a short woman, you could tell that even while she was sitting, with dark hair and dark eyes. She was wearing a white outfit that had a pin with the letters HR on it and a white hat pinned into her curly hair. The desk she was sitting at had an elaborate set up with dials and buttons and speakers covering it. There was also a huge pile of what looked like paperwork which covered the left side of the desk and most of the floor surrounding it.

“Well we’re children too,” Violet said, the woman still hadn’t looked up from her desk. "But we'd much rather volunteer in the hospital than embark on a life of crime."

Babs looked up and saw them for the first time. “Be quiet.” She barked. "In my opinion, children should be seen and not heard. I'm an adult, so it follows that I should be heard and not seen. That's why I work exclusively over the intercom. You will be working exclusively with the most important thing we do in this hospital. Can you guess what it is?" 

“Healing sick people?” Duncan guessed.

"Be silent!" she commanded. "Children should be seen and not heard, remember? Just because I asked you a question doesn't mean you should start babbling about sick people. You're wrong, anyway. The most important thing we do at the hospital is paperwork, and you will be working at the Library of Records, filing paperwork. I'm sure this will be difficult for you, because children never have any administrative experience."

Sunny opened her mouth to say that she did have experience.

"Be silent!" Babs shouted. "Instead of chattering away, report to the Library of Records at once. The Library of Records is located in the basement, at the very bottom of the staircase next to this office. You'll go straight there every morning when the van arrives at Heimlich Hospital, and you'll return straight to the van at the end of each day. The van will take you back home. Are there any questions?" 

There were plenty of questions but the children held their tongues as Babs would probably start yelling at them again.

"Excellent!" Babs said. "You're learning to be seen instead of heard. Now, get out of this office."

The children were more than happy to get out of the office, however despite the upsetting interaction one upside was that their new looks seemed to be doing the trick. Babs had just read the paper and didn’t recognize them.

“I would love to meet just one normal person.” Klaus complained while they walked down the stairs. “How come everyone we come across is either evil, rude, or just plain weird?” 

“I don’t think that you get to call people weird.” Isadora said.

“I am very normal, excuse you.” Klaus smiled at her.

“Speaking of normal, how are you holding up?” Violet worried about her brother, he had a habit of not mentioning when he is uncomfortable.

“More than normal but less than you think. A hospital isn’t really where you would want to hang around is it?” That wasn’t an actual answer but Violet understood. 

“Um?” Isadora wasn’t sure how to ask this. “Are they nice?”

“Eh. Some of them are, some of them aren’t. Most of them just don’t care about you.” Klaus said.

“Okay. Are any following us?” She wasn’t sure what she’d rather hear.

“No. Unless you really piss someone off they don’t follow you. Ghosts tend to stick to one place rather than one person.” Klaus said.

Isadora was stopped from asking anymore questions by a group of nurses walking by, so Duncan changed the topic.

“What should we do at the end of the day?”

“What do you mean?” Violet asked.

“We can’t just get in the van and go home, what are we going to do to sleep at Last Chance General Store every night.” Duncan said.

"Half," Sunny suggested. 

"That's a pretty good idea," Violet replied. "We could sleep in the unfinished half of the hospital. Nobody will go there at night." 

“Sounds cold,” Isadora said. “And dark.”

"It can't be much worse than the Orphans Shack at Prufrock Prep," Violet said.

“At least this time there won't be crabs.” Klaus added. “Probably.”

“I guess.” Isadora said, stopping at a door which read "Library of Records." "The unfinished wing of the hospital can't be that bad."

Isadora knocked on the door, which opened almost immediately to reveal one of the oldest men the children had ever met, wearing one of the tiniest pairs of glasses they had ever seen. Each lens was barely bigger than a pea, and the man had to squint in order to look at them. 

"My eyesight isn't what it used to be," he said, "but you appear to be children. And you're very familiar children, too. I'm certain I've seen your faces somewhere before."

"We're new volunteers," Violet said quickly. "I don't think we've ever met before." 

"Babs assigned us to work in the Library of Records," Duncan said. 

“And I’ve heard all children look the same.” Klaus added.

"Well, you've come to the right place," the old man said at Duncan’s comment. "My name is Hal, and I've worked here in the Library of Records for more years than I'd like to count. I'm afraid my eyesight isn't what it used to be, so I asked Babs if some volunteers could help me." 

“We are happy to help.” Isadora smiled at him.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," Hal said. "Because there's a lot of work to be done. Come on in and I'll explain what you have to do."

The Library of Records was huge, filled with rows and rows of filing cabinets ordered alphabetically. The amount of information that the children could learn there made them dizzy, of course Hal informed them that they would not be reading anything, just filing it. The children would get papers from a chute in the wall that was just wide enough for Sunny or maybe Klaus to crawl through, then they would read as little as possible to figure out where it goes, then they would walk it over to the appropriate cabinet and place it there.

The children were following Hal to put away the example paper he used when he turned. “I know why you five seem so familiar.” He said. "I didn't read it, of course, but there was some information about you in the file about the Snicket fires."

“The what fires?” Violet asked.

“Oh I don’t know, I just saw your pictures in it.” He opened the file and placed the paper in it. “Although I guess it must have been a while ago, you all look quite different.”

“Did you see our names?” Duncan asked.

“Oh no.” Hal said. “Though it's probably quite rude that I haven’t asked you your's yet.”

“Oh it’s fine.” Violet was panicking, trying to come up with fake names. “I’m Jane and these are my sisters,” she pointed to Isadora, “Lizzy,” and Sunny, “and Mary.” Violet then pointed to Duncan, “and this is Charles and,” and Klaus, “William Jones. We are the Joneses.”

“Well it’s very nice to meet you all.” Hal said.

Hal then walked away and once he was out of ear shot Klaus whispered. “Pride and Prejudice Vi? Really?”

“It’s a good book. And it’s Jane now.” Violet said.

“Okay Jane, let’s get to work.” Klaus said.

“What was my name again?” Duncan asked.

“Charles.” Violet said.

“Can I go by Charlie at least.” He asked.

“Sure I don’t care, any other last minute changes?”

“I’m going by Will.” Klaus said.

“Fine.” Violet said. “Can we start now?”

The rest of the day was spent trying to catch sneak peaks at useful files. Violet managed to read a bit about the fire at Paltryville, Isadora read about Prufrock Prep and when it was made, Duncan looked through a file about the village, and Klaus was able to find out what happened to one of Monty’s reptiles. But in the end nothing that was actually useful was found and the children snuck into the unfinished half of the building with nothing to report to each other.

“We need a better plan.” Duncan said. “Trying to glance at files while working isn’t working.”

“We need to get in there when Hal isn’t.” Klaus said, dragging anything he can find that would make a decent bed. There wasn’t much.

“How are we going to do that?” Isadora asked. She was dragging some planks to lay on so that they weren’t lying on the cold ground.

“I could try and pick the lock.” Violet had found some blankets in a pile in the corner.

“Esmé took your lockpicking tools.” Klaus pointed out.

“Those were just bits of metal, I bet there's something here which would work.” Violet said.

“Don’t you guys have any, uh, powers which would help?” Duncan asked.

“Ghosts aren’t helpful and there are no windows I could try and get through.” Klaus said, laying down.

“Being invisible would help once I got in but before that I doubt it, and force fields wouldn’t help.” Violet finished laying the blankets on the wood and passed out the extras.

Klaus thanked her as she handed him one. “And I do see how mind reading will help, maybe Sunny could bite through the door knob but that doesn’t help about the deadlock.”

“What about Hal’s keys?” Sunny asked.

“What about them?” Violet asked.

“Could we grab them?” She elaborated. 

“That’s not a very nice thing to do.” Isadora said.

“But it might be a necessary thing to do.” Klaus said. “It could be the best way to get our hands on that file.”

“Before Olaf finds us.” Sunny agreed.

It was easy to convince them at that, Olaf is a good motivator, even if the motivation is to avoid him. It was hard for the children to sleep that night, besides the hard ‘bed’ they made and the wind which slipped under every layer they had on, stealing from Hal left them uneasy. The Baudelaires had stolen before but usually from Olaf or others like him and the Quagmires had never stolen. And Hal was nice enough which is far more than they had gotten from most people.

But the next morning the children came up with a plan, right before Hal left they would trade his keys with a ribbon that had paperclip keys on it. So for most of the morning the children slipped extra paperclips in pockets and handed them to Violet and by lunch she had a fairly decent replica if you had especially bad eyesight.

The group was sitting around eating fruit when the intercom went off. “Attention, attention.” That was not Babs’ voice. “Attention. Babs has resigned from Heimlich Hospital.” It was Count Olaf. “She decided to pursue a career as a stuntwoman, and has begun throwing herself off buildings immediately. My name is Mattathias, and I am the new Head of Human Resources. I will be conducting a complete inspection of every single employee here at Heimlich Hospital, beginning immediately. That is all." 

"An inspection," Hal repeated, finishing his plum. "What nonsense. They should finish the other half of this hospital, instead of wasting time inspecting everything." 

"What happens during an inspection?" Violet asked. 

"Oh, they just come and look you over," Hal said carelessly, and began walking back to the Library of Records. "We'd better get back to work. There is a lot more information to file." 

"We'll be along in a moment," Klaus promised. "I'm not quite done with my fruit." 

"Well, hurry up," Hal said and shut the door.

“I was hoping to have a few more days to be honest.” Klaus said.

“How did he find us?” Isadora asked.

“I’ve found it best not to think about it too hard.” Violet got up. “The only thing we can do is avoid him, let’s get back to work.”

So they did, and room after room got called for an inspection. But throughout the entire day the library of records was never called.

"Attention! Attention!" Olaf said over the intercom. "This is Mattathias, the new Head of Human Resources. Inspections are over for the day but will continue tomorrow." 

"What nonsense," Hal muttered, putting the loop of keys down on the table. The children looked at the keys and then each other before Isadora slid to be standing in front of them.

"Also," the speaker said, "if anyone in the hospital has any valuables of any kind, please bring them to the Human Resources office for safekeeping. Thank you." 

"My eyeglasses are somewhat valuable," Hal said, taking them off, "but I'm not going to bring them to the Human Resources office. I might not ever see them again." 

"That's probably true," Violet said and pulled the fake keys out of her pocket.

"Besides," Hal smiled at the children and reached for his coat, "nobody's going to steal anything from me. You five are the only people I see at the hospital, and I trust you absolutely. Now, where did I put my keys?" 

“Right here.” Violet handed him the fake ones.

"Those are my keys?" Hal said doubtfully. "I thought I put them down on the table."

“Oh no,” Klaus said quickly. “Violet had them.”

"Here," Violet said, quickly tucking them into Hal’s pocket, "why don't I put them in your coat pocket for you?" 

"Thank you," Hal said. "That's another way you five have helped me. My eyesight's not what it used to be, you know, so I'm glad I can rely on such good volunteers. Well, good night, children. I'll see you tomorrow." 

"Good night, Hal," Klaus replied and the rest of the children echoed him. 

He left and the door shut behind him. “Oh we are bad people.” Violet said, grabbing the keys from behind Isadora.

“We’re not bad people, we’re decent people in a bad situation.” Duncan said.

Violet didn’t answer and instead unlocked the door and ushered them all inside before locking the door again. The children then split up to find the file, Violet went to Snicket, Klaus to Jacques, Isadora to VFD, and Duncan to fire. All the children met up with nothing, the file hadn’t been in any of their areas and they couldn’t think of where it would be. They had just been discussing if it could have been under one of their names when the door to the library of records started to jiggle.

“Someone is trying to get in.” Sunny said silently. 

Rather than talk Violet led them to Baudelaire in the files and opened it, and there was nothing. Running out of time the children all but ran to Quagmire. And there it was.

"It's here," Duncan said, taking it out of the drawer with trembling hands. 

"What does it say? What does it say?" Violet asked in excitement. 

"Look," Klaus said. "There's a note on the front." 

"Read it!" Sunny said in a frantic whisper, as the door began to shake violently on its hinges. Whoever was on the other side of the door was obviously getting frustrated with trying to pick the lock. 

Duncan held it up and read. "'All thirteen pages of the Snicket file have been removed from the Library of Records for the official investigation.'" He looked up at the group. "That must be when Hal saw our picture," he said. "When he removed the file and gave it to the official investigators." Duncan handed the file to his sister. "There's nothing here." 

"Yes there is!" Violet said. "Look!" 

And a page slipped out from the file and fell onto the ground.

Klaus grabbed it. “It’s page 13.” He pointed to the small printed number at the bottom. "The investigators must have left it behind by mistake."

All four of them leaned over to read it. There was a photograph of the Baudelaire parents, the Quagmire parents, Jacques, and a 6th person none of them recognized. He had his face turned, obscuring him. They were all standing in front of 667 Dark Avenue, there was a sentence written above the picture. "Because of the evidence discussed on page nine," read the sentence, "experts now suspect that there may in fact be one survivor of the fire, but the survivor's whereabouts are unknown."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writer's block had been kicking my ass these past few days and I finally got over the hump but I doubt that book 13 will help. I can just tell it is going to be hard to write.


	34. Impersonating metical professionals is illegal btw

The tension could be cut with a knife, on the one hand someone survived, on the other who? Isadora and Duncan were sending not so subtle looks at their friends who were staring down at the page intensely. Klaus carefully folded the page and put it in his pocket and placed the empty file back into the cabinet and shut it.

“A survivor? Does that mean one of our parents is still alive?” Isadora asked carefully.

“Your’s.” Klaus said, eyes brimming with tears.

“You don’t know that?” Duncan said.

“Yes he does.” Violet said. 

The Quagmires remembered the day they were let out of the cage in the elevator and ended up at the Baudelaire’s home. How the siblings took a few moments to say goodbye which they never questioned, even after learning about their powers

“You saw-” Isadora let the question hang.

Klaus nodded. “Yeah.”

At that point the door to the library of records’ door hit the ground with a loud thud, they all paused and Violet crept to the edge of the aisle and turned invisible. When she stuck out her head Violet was able to see the towering figure of Esmé Squalor walking oddly, as if on stilts. Violet quickly slipped back and mouthed ‘Esmé’ to the group and started to move deeper into the room as she was blocking the door. 

The children had made it to the q aisle when a terrible crashing noise filled the room, it took a moment but the children soon realized that Esmé was pushing the cabinets down. With the room coming down on them the children were forced to follow a random path or else risk being crushed, and at some point Esmé spotted the group and was targeting them rather than just random destruction. After a few minutes of the cat and mouse that they were playing, the Quagmires and Baudelaires ended up at the chute.

"Violet," Klaus said hesitantly, "do you think you can invent something out of paper clips and a basket that could help us get out of here?" 

"I don't have to," Violet said. "That chute will serve as an exit." 

"But you won't fit in there. Neither will Isadora or Duncan," Klaus said. "I'm not even sure I will." 

"You're never going to get out of this room alive, you imbeciles!" Esmé cried from somewhere in the room.

"We'll have to try," Violet said. "Sunny, go first."

Sunny was able to get just fine, the chute had plenty of space for her and soon she had made it quite a ways in.

"Now you, Klaus," Violet said, the Quagmires had a grim look on their faces, they knew what had to happen.

"This won't work," Klaus said to Violet. "It'll be tough to crawl up through the chute, the way it's slanted. Besides, there's no way you all will fit." 

“We know Klaus.” Isadora said. “You need to go, Esmé can’t get all of us.”

“No.” He said.

“We’ll find another way out.” Violet said.

“No.” Klaus said again.

“We can meet back up in the unfinished wing okay?” Duncan said.

Klaus was crying and they could see tears slipping down Sunny’s cheeks. Violet wanted to cry too but if she did Klaus wouldn’t leave so she kept it together. With one last smile she shut the door of the chute, closing Sunny and Klaus off from the library of records. 

Violet was terrified but there were still people relying on her so she soldiered on. The three of them managed to make it all the way back to the a aisle, Esmé had gone suspiciously quiet but they weren’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth. Violet just managed to get out of the door when someone grabbed her, covering her mouth before she could shout out. Duncan had been right on her heels so the other person at the door grabbed him but Isadora managed to get back in the room. She only made it 4 steps however before a sharp, long nailed hand gripped her.

There was a cloth pressed against Isadora’s mouth and no matter how much she struggled there was no way to shake off the hand and the world became fuzzy around the edges. She could just barely see Violet dropping in the hands of one of Olaf's associates and Duncan knocking his head back into one of the white faced ladies before sinking to the ground as the drugs make it too hard to get any further. The nails were biting into her skin but all that Isadora could focus on was the tingling feeling in her fingers and toes. It was almost too easy to slip and let weightlessness take over.

Klaus was freezing but he refused to sleep. Sunny had crashed which was probably for the best but Klaus was so wired that sleep was out of the question, if the cold wasn’t keeping him up the nausea which threatened his meager dinner was. 

“Attention.” Olaf’s voice called over speakers. “Attention. We are cancelling the remainder of the hospital inspections. We have found what we were looking for.” 

Klaus almost agreed with the sentiment that no news is good news at that moment, but not knowing wouldn’t help save Violet, Isadora, and Duncan.

"To continue, please be aware that two of the three Baudelaire murderers- Klaus and Sun, I mean, Klyde and Susie Baudelaire, have been spotted in the hospital. If you see any children whom you recognize from The Daily Punctilio, please capture them and notify the police." Olaf continued.

It was almost morning and Klaus knew that even with his haircut and new clothes he could be recognized. They needed better disguise, ones that would let them move around unquestioned. He considered a lot of things, janitor, receptionist, nurse, but as Klaus lazily followed the figure of a doctor walking through the empty halls he realized the answer was right in front of his face.

He almost regretted telling Sunny when she woke, sometimes Klaus forgot that she was really, really young. But he was young too, and this needed to be done so Klaus got up and started walking, checking doors as he passed, looking for lab coats and other doctor things.

“I think we need a better plan than dressing up like doctors Klaus.” Sunny pointed out.

“Get a patient list?” Klaus said.

“Start.” Sunny said out loud.

“Well Olaf wouldn’t put them under their real names so he would make fake names.” Klaus said.

“Easy to remember.” Sunny added.

“Or easy to find if you forget.” Klaus said. “But how would he do that?”

Sunny shrugged.

“Helpful.” Klaus said and turned a corner. And walked directly into the bearded VFD man, and he was holding a patient list.

“Convenient.” Sunny said.

“Hey uh brother?” Klaus was so awkward.

“Oh hey brother!” The man said. “How you doin’?”

“Great, can I have that list?” Klaus pointed to the list.

“Oh sure man.” He handed the list over. “I don’t like to read the names anyways.”

“Great thank you. Got to go.” Klaus walked away as the man said his goodbyes behind him.

“Rude.” Sunny pointed out.

“Efficient.” Klaus countered. “Besides, Violet isn’t here to scold me.”

The mood dropped as they remembered why Violet wasn’t with them and that they were on a clock. It still took 11 more rooms before Klaus found one with anything he could use. He shut the door and locked it before depositing Sunny in the sink in the corner, ignoring her noise of protest. Klaus dug through the coats, trying a few on before he found one with a name tag on it.

“Meet Dr. Wendell Sunny.” He turned, the coat was too long for him and it gave him sweater paws, but it would work.

“Baby face.” She held out a fake beard.

“Where did you even get that?” Klaus took the beard and put it on. Now he did look like a 13 year old wearing a fake beard and a lab coat, but evidence had shown that no one will think twice if thinking twice is inconvenient. “Now to find Violet, Isadora, and Duncan.”

He laid out the papers on the floor and placed Sunny on the ground so she could help look. Now they knew Olaf wasn’t going to put their real names but it was the first thing they checked for. After that came up empty the siblings began to brainstorm ideas.

“Maybe he put his last name.” Klaus suggested. “But we don’t know his last name.”

“Three?” Sunny said.

“Of course if he used his last name then there would be three people with the same last name.” Klaus ran through the list and found two groups of two people with the same last name, but not three.

“Past names?” Sunny suggested, but looking for Olaf’s and his associates fake names didn’t help either.

“What about an anagram?” Klaus said but Sunny shook her head to indicate that she didn’t know what that was. “Oh an anagram is when you rearrange the letters in a word to make a new word with the same letters.”

“How would we find them.” Sunny asked.

“Well v and q aren’t very common letters so if we get rid of every name without either a v or a q then we can shorten it.” Klaus started marking off names with a pen he found in the pocket of the jacket. That didn’t leave very many names but more than they had time to go through. “What now?”

“R?” Sunny offered.

“Yeah no r then it’s not them.” Klaus crossed off any name without an r and that left five names. It took a few minutes to go through each one but he was able to find three names which worked: Laura V. Bleediotie, Marie Gisaquorda, and Rain G. Quedmancu. And all three rooms were right next to each other as well.

The intercom went off, it was muffled in the room as the nearest speaker was in the hallway and there was a door between the children and it.

"Attention! Attention!" Olaf’s disembodied voice said. "Today is a very important day in the history of the hospital. In precisely one hour, a doctor here will perform the world's first cranio-ectomy on a fourteen year old girl. We all hope that this very dangerous operation is a complete success. That is all." 

“Violet?” Sunny asked.

Klaus had paled considerably as he connected what the words meant. “Yeah.” It was choked and that didn’t escape Sunny

“Cranio?” She could tell that she was missing something and that was the only word she didn’t recognize.

“It means head. And ectomy means the removal of.” Klaus explained.

“Decap?” Sunny asked.

“We need to hurry up.” Klaus said and got up. He looked down at Sunny. “You need a disguise.”

“Nurse.” She said.

“A bit short for a nurse but we are a bit short on time so it will do.” He gave her a mask and some rubber gloves, which was the best they could do in the room.

Klaus was almost offended at how well their disguises worked, they walked past multiple nurses and doctors who didn’t even send them a second glance. Klaus had almost made it to Isadora’s room without a single hiccup. Of course that meant that it was perfect timing for someone to call out, “Hey! You!”

Klaus turned to the nurse who was standing in the doorway of a room. “Are you busy?”

Klaus had started to say yes but the woman cut him off. “Great, I need you to do this patient’s diagnosis.” She shoved a clipboard in his hands and walked off.

Klaus froze for a moment before walking into the room the nurse had just left, on the table there was a man with sandy blonde hair and a mask on. He gave a wave and Klaus shut the door behind him.

“Hi uh,” he looked down at the chart, “Mr. Edison, what seems to be the problem today?”

“Sore throat.” The man croaked out. “I threw up too.”

“Okay.” Klaus gave a tight smile, he needed to hurry. “Let’s take a look, take off that mask for me?”

The man removed his mask and opened his mouth. Klaus walked over and he could tell something was wrong but he wasn’t sure what. There was a doctor in the room who walked over and looked from behind Klaus. “Oh that’s strep.” The man said. “In the third drawer there are prescription pads, he needs antibiotics, either penicillin or amoxicillin.”

“Well it looks like you’ve got strep throat.” Klaus said, the man put his mask back on. “I’m going to write a prescription for penicillin and you can get that at the pharmacy right in the lobby.”

Klaus took out the pad and wrote the prescription before basically running out of the room.

“Kid you know impersonating a doctor is illegal.” The doctor said from behind him.

“Sunny, don't tell Violet we did this, it’s illegal.” Klaus ignored the man after that. Getting to Isadora’s room was easy after that, there were no more nurses to pull him away. Pushing the door open Klaus’ shoulders sagged in relief at the fact that Isadora was one, in the room, and two, alone. He quickly walked over and shook her slightly.

“Hey Dora, get up.” Klaus whispered. Sunny was keeping watch of the door but a toddler isn’t really a match for a full grown adult.

“Mmm Klaus?” Isadora was slurring her words.

“We’ve got to go.” Klaus said.

“Where’s Violet?” She asked.

What Klaus didn’t say was, “I am literally saving you and you’re asking about Violet?” Because Isadora was drugged and that’s rude so instead he said, “We’re going to her, now up we go.” 

Almost all of Isadora's weight was on Klaus but he managed to drag her to Duncan’s room and when Klaus opened the door he was once again met with a Quagmire and no one else. Dropping Isadora in one of the guest chairs Klaus shook awake Duncan.

“Klaus? Where’s Violet?” He asked.

Klaus took a deep breath as Isadora piped up, “We are going to her.”

“Are you conscious?” Klaus asked her and Isadora nodded. “Great. You’re walking by yourself. Let’s go.”

And Klaus dragged a loopy Duncan followed by an only slightly less loopy Isadora who was being led by Sunny to Violet’s room. And of course he must have had too much luck because when he opened the door there was no one in there.

“Shit.” Klaus swore under his breath.

“Attention!” Olaf’s voice called out from the ceiling. “Attention! Attention! The cranio-ectomy will start in the surgical ward in 30 minutes. I repeat the cranio-ectomy will start in the surgical ward in 30 minutes. That is all.”

“Shit.” Sunny agreed.

“I have an idea, Sunny.” Klaus turned to see the Quagmires blinking slowly at him.

“Shoot.” Sunny said.

“We stash them away, go get Violet, then we all get the hell out of here.” Sunny gave him a thumbs up. Klaus led them toward the surgical ward and found a closet where he put the Quagmires in.

“Have they started yet?” Klaus asked the doctor who had been following them.

“Not yet but you better hurry.” The doctor said.

“Hey Klaus?” Isadora slurred in a whisper shout. “Are you talking to a ghost? Because you can talk to ghosts and that freaks me out.”

“I know and I am.” Klaus said kindly. “Someone needs to stay with them.”

“I like my friend the mosts,” Isadora was highly composing poetry. “When he consults with ghosts.”

“I will.” Sunny said, knowing it was the only option. “Go get Violet.”

Klaus leaned over and gave Sunny a kiss on the forehead. “I will. Stay safe and keep them safe.”

Sunny gave a nod and Klaus quickly walked to the room. He knew that his disguise wouldn’t work, it hadn’t when Esmé spotted them in the Library of Records, but he had to try. Klaus made it to the door when the hook handed man shouted, “hey who are you?”

“I am Dr. Wendell and I am scheduled for the cranio-ectomy in the surgical ward at 6:20.” Klaus said with as much confidence as he could muster.

“Really? You look short for a doctor.” he hadn’t recognized Klaus yet.

“That’s rather rude.” Klaus said. “I went to medical school for 8 years to become a doctor yet the only thing anyone brings up is my height.”

“I’m sorry.” The hook handed man said. “But I still don’t-”

A hand landed on Klaus' shoulder. “Ah Doctor uh?” Olaf said from behind Klaus.

“Wendell. Dr. Wendell.” Klaus knew he was made but he also knew Olaf would play along.

“Dr. Wendell, I am glad you could make it. Are you ready for the operation?” Olaf’s mouth was right by Klaus’ ear and it took everything in him to not shiver in disgust.

“Of course.” Klaus said.

“Of course.” Olaf agreed. “Well let’s get to it.” He pushed open the door and revealed a crowd of people seated above a circular platform. And right in the middle of that platform, on a gurney, was Violet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof this one is kinda short lol. It's so weird that I'm on the last book I've been writing this fic for so long.


	35. There is a fire in the hospital

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw for descriptions of decapitation. It's not very graphic but it is there.

Violet’s hair was spread beneath her, fanning out across the top of the gurney. Her clips had been removed at some point, leaving her bangs to hang over her eyebrows and hit the very top of her eyes. The hospital dress she had been changed into made Violet look even paler, and the harsh fluorescent lighting did not help that matter. Violet also appeared to have been tossed onto the gurney haphazardly, with one arm laying over her middle and the other hanging off the table and not laid out as what would be expected for an operation. 

“Change of plans,” Olaf was still gripping Klaus’ shoulder. “Dr. Wendell here will be performing the actual operation. Give him the knife.”

Saw would be a better word of the object Klaus found thrusted in his hands, it made him think of the fact that chainsaws were originally made for childbirth, and how using the knife in his hand on someone for a careful surgery would feel just as inappropriate. Klaus looked down at his sister and imagined taking her head off with it and he almost threw the knife, but Klaus resisted the instinct and held on. He imagined the type of ghost which would come of a death like that, it wouldn’t be able to speak, with torn skin stained red at the neck and a body which would be next to impossible to control disconnected from its head. It would be best to just pass straight on.

“Now I have some business to take care off.” And with one last biting grip Olaf let go of Klaus’ shoulder and walked through the door.

The hook handed man turned to the crowd which was mulling amongst themselves and said, "Doctors, nurses, Volunteers Fighting Disease, reporters from The Daily Punctilio, distinguished guests, and regular people, welcome to the operating theater at Heimlich Hospital. I am Dr. Lucafont, and I will be your medical host for today's performance." 

"Hooray for Dr. Lucafont!" a doctor cried, as the crowd burst into applause, and the hook handed man took a bow.

"And I am Dr. Flacutono," the bald man announced. "I am the surgeon who invented the cranio-ectomy, and I am thrilled to operate today in front of all you wonderful and attractive people." 

"Hooray for Dr. Flacutono!" a nurse shouted, and the crowd applauded again, spurring the bald man to take his own bow.

"The surgeon is right!" the hook handed man said. "You are wonderful and attractive, all of you! Go on, give yourselves a big hand!" 

"Hooray for us!" a volunteer cried, and the audience applauded another time.

“And these are our nurses,” The bald man pointed to the person of an ambiguous gender and one of the white faced ladies. “Nurse Flo and Nurse Winsor, why don’t you give them a round of applause too.”

The crowd once again broke into applause, but Klaus could tell some of them were getting sick of clapping.

“And finally our Doctor who will be performing the procedure today,” The hook handed man pointed at Klaus. “Dr. Wendell. Give us one last round of applause.”

And the crowd did, excited to see the show.

"And now that you've met all of our fantastic performers," the hook handed man said, "let the show begin. Dr. Flacutono, are you ready to begin?" 

"I sure am," the bald man said. "Now, ladies and gentlemen, as I'm sure you know, a cranio-ectomy is a procedure in which the patient's head is removed. Scientists have discovered that many health problems are rooted in the brain, so that the best thing to do with a sick patient is remove it. However, a cranio-ectomy is as dangerous as it is necessary. There is a chance that Laura V. Bleediotie might die while the operation is being performed, but sometimes one must risk accidents in order to cure illness." 

"A patient's death would certainly be a terrible accident, Dr. Flacutono," the hook handed man said. 

"It sure would, Dr. Lucafont," the bald man agreed. “Well get started Doc.”

“Before I make the first incision,” Klaus had to stall, for what he didn’t know, but he had to anyway. “I’m going to talk a little bit about the equipment I’m using."

If the looks Olaf’s associates were sending him could kill Klaus was sure there would be two dead Baudelaires in this room. But they couldn’t so Klaus continued.

"The cranio-ectomy will be performed with a knife," Klaus said, "which is the oldest surgical tool in the world." He tried to remember the section on knives in A Complete History of Surgical Tools, which he had read when he was eleven. "Early knives have been found in Egyptian tombs and Mayan temples, where they were used for ceremonial purposes, and mostly fashioned out of stone. Gradually bronze and iron became the essential materials in knives, although some cultures fashioned them out of the incisors of slain animals.

"There are a number of different types of knives," Klaus continued, "including the pocketknife, the penknife, and the drawing knife, but the one required for this cranio-ectomy is a Bowie knife, named after Colonel James Bowie, who lived in Texas." 

"Wasn't that a magnificent explanation, ladies and gentlemen?" the hook handed man said. 

"It sure was," one of the reporters agreed from the third row. “I can see the headline now” ‘Doctor Explains the History of Knife.’ Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!"

The crowd cheered and the bald man leaned over and whispered so the audience couldn’t hear. “Hurry up or there will be two dead Baudelaires in this operating theater.”

“Do it coward.” Klaus whispered back before loudly saying, “Who wanted to hear about rust?”

The crowd broke out in cheers again.

"Rust is a reddish-brown coating that forms on certain metals when they oxidize, which is a scientific term for a chemical reaction occurring when iron or steel comes into contact with moisture." He held up the rusty knife for the audience to see, Klaus was running out of time. "The oxidation process is integral to a cranio-ectomy due to the oxidative processes of cellular mitochondria and cosmetic demystification," he continued, trying to use as many complicated words as he could think of.

Klaus stuck his hand in his pocket while the crowd roared at his words and his finger brushed against his lighter. Klaus would have thought that what he was about to do was a terrible idea, but his terrible ideas had been working recently. But before he did anything Klaus saw Violet twitch, the anesthesia must have been wearing off.

"Very impressive," the bald associate said, glaring at Klaus over his surgical mask. "But I think these lovely people will understand the process better once the head has actually been removed."

Klaus held up the knife, hoping that Violet would wake up and they could run out but she didn’t move besides a slight twitch of her hand.

Violet’s head was fuzzy, and her eyelids were far too heavy to open, she could hear words being spoken around her but they were muffled. Violet tried to move her fingers but they weren’t responding to her head, they were barely twitching. Her mouth was so dry and there was hair tickling her nose and there was a terribly loud noise coming from around her. And then Violet heard her brother’s voice and she let herself relax a little, if Klaus was here then they were probably fine.

But she couldn’t slip back into unconsciousness, her dress was bunching weird and her legs were cold and the crowd was roaring again. Words started to connect in her foggy brain, she heard things like head and remove and the jolt of adrenaline that shot through her was enough to wake her up, even if Violet’s limbs were too heavy to move and her eyes too tired to open.

She heard Klaus again. “I can’t do it.” It came from her right and Violet wondered what he couldn’t do. “I can’t do it.” He said again

“Why not?” It wasn’t a voice Violet recognized.

"Before I make the first incision, there's one more thing that has to be done, the most important thing we do here at Heimlich Hospital." Klaus sounded confident.

"And what is that?" the bald man asked.

"Paperwork!" Klaus said.

"Hooray!" called a member of VFD from the back of the operating theater, and cheering broke out, the loudest it had been. "Hooray for paperwork!" 

Klaus was going to get murdered. "Hooray for paperwork indeed!" Klaus cried. "We can't operate on a patient until her file is absolutely complete!" 

"I can't believe we forgot about it, even for a moment!" a nurse cried. "Paperwork is the most important thing we do at this hospital!" 

"I can see the headline now," said the reporter who had spoken earlier. “‘Heimlich Hospital Almost Forgets Paperwork!’ Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!"

"Somebody call Hal," suggested a doctor. "He's in charge of the Library of Records, so he can solve this paperwork problem." 

"I'll call Hal right now!" announced a nurse, walking out of the operating theater, and the crowd clapped in support of her decision. 

"There's no need to call Hal," said the hook handed man, holding up his hooked gloves to try to calm the crowd. "The paperwork has been taken care of, I promise you." 

"But all surgical paperwork has to be verified by Hal," Klaus said. "That's the policy of Heimlich Hospital." 

"I think Dr. Wendell is right," another doctor said. "That's the policy here." 

Klaus was lying so hard but it seemed the crowd would believe just about anything if they thought it was being said by a medical professional. 

"Hal is on his way," the nurse announced, reentering the room. "There's apparently been some problem at the Library of Records, but he'll come as quickly as he can and settle this matter once and for all." 

"We don't need Hal to settle this matter once and for all," said Esmé walking in like a newborn giraffe, her shoes had knives as the heels and they kept getting stuck in the ground as she walked. “That doctor is an imposter.”

“No I’m not.” The hook handed man and the bald man said at the same time.

"Not you two," Esmé said impatiently. “Him.” She pointed at Klaus.

"In my medical opinion," Klaus said, "I believe this woman has lost her mind." 

"I haven't lost my mind," Esmé said with a snarl, "but you're about to lose your heads, Baudelaires." 

"Baudelaires?" the reporter from The Daily Punctilio asked. "The same Baudelaires who murdered Count Omar?" 

"Olaf," the bald man corrected. 

Klaus could see that this was about to go down hill for him so he put into action his terrible idea. He dropped down to the ground, for some reason, unlike the rest of the hospital, the operating room was carpeted. Klaus quickly lit the lighter and placed it against the carpet, and it caught but there was far more smoke than fire, which worked out for Klaus.

“Does it smell like smoke in here?” Klaus shouted, popping back up.

“It should,” said Hal, walking into the room. “Some terrible volunteers named the Jones children set fire to the Library of records. Those five children took advantage of my poor eyesight to make these fake keys and switched it with the real one, so they could sneak into the library and destroy the files about their crimes!" 

“What crimes?” Someone shouted from the crowd.

“Well I didn’t realize it at the time but they were actually the Baudelaire and Quagmire children!” Hal said and the crowd started to shout over each other.

Klaus took advantage of the confusion as Esmé tried to shout that he was one of those murdering arsonists. Klaus unlocked the wheels on the gurney and started to subtly maneuver the table towards the edge of the room. He had made it about half way when Olaf’s voice cut over the noise.

“Attention! Attention! There is a terrible fire in Heimlich Hospital. The fire was set in the Library of Records by the Baudelaire murderers, and has spread to the Sore Throat Ward, the Stubbed Toe Ward, and the Accidentally Swallowed Something You Shouldn't Have Ward. The orphans are still at large, so do everything you can to find them. After the murdering arsonists have been captured, you might want to rescue some of the patients who are trapped by the fire. That is all." 

"I can see the headline now," the reporter said. '"Baudelaire Murderers Torch Paperwork.' Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see this!" 

Klaus had made it to the door when Esmé turned and shouted, “Look! The boy Baueldaire is getting away, get him.” Klaus didn’t want to stick around after that so with a push he opened the door and ran out, pushing Violet with him.

Sunny and the Quagmires heard the announcement from their closet. They could see a few people exiting the hospital from the window in the room, but they were far more concerned with the eldest Baudelaires. The drugs had worn off for the most part at that point so the Quagmires were nervously pacing as Sunny wouldn’t let them go out to help.

“We should do something.” Duncan said.

“No.” Sunny was getting sick of telling them no, couldn’t they just behave. Klaus was right they did need a babysitter.

Klaus was running as fast as he could but the gurney was not very helpful in that endeavor. Klaus stopped as he came to a fork in the hallway, he knew he had to go left to get to the room Sunny and the Quagmires were in. So he moved around to be perpendicular to Violet and with a huff, picked her up.

“Why do you weigh so much Violet?” Klaus wheezed.

“Sorry.” It was slurred.

“It’s okay.” Klaus walked to be at the back of the gurney once again and kicked it down the right hallway before carrying his sister down the left. It wasn’t actually faster than the gurney, in fact it might have been slower, but Klaus hoped the gurney would confuse the people chasing them. The 3 minutes it took for Klaus to get back to the room were some of the most stressful he had had in awhile. At one point he had to press himself against a wall to not be found by a group of nurses ushering people out of the building.

Klaus nearly collapsed against the door of the closet once he shut it. He barely managed to put Violet, who had opened her eyes, on the ground gently before he joined her.

"Attention!" Olaf’s voice was quiet through the door. "This is Mattathias, the Head of Human Resources! The Baudelaire murderers and arsonists are escaping on a gurney! Capture them at once! Also, the fire is spreading throughout the hospital! You might want to evacuate!"

“Violet!” The Quagmires and Sunny called out and Klaus just slid further until he was fully laying on the ground.

“You guys are all assholes.” Klaus said. “Never leave me alone again.”

“Klaus,” Violet sounded less slurred. “Language.”

“I just rescued three people. I think I get a pass.” Klaus said.

“Hey!” Sunny said, she had helped too. If it wasn’t for her he would have had to save the Quagmires all over again.

“Sunny you were very helpful, feel free to swear, but I carried Violet here and she has 5 inches on me.” Klaus sat up.

“Sunny you cannot swear.” Apparently instilling good habits in her sister will wake Violet up, but not her own murder.

“We need to get out of here.” Duncan was looking out of the window again. “The fire is going to take this place down soon.”

“Violet I know the anesthesia hasn't completely worn off, but we need you to try to invent something." Klaus said.

“I know.” Violet was trying to sit up and Klaus had to lend a hand and help her.

“We can help.” Isadora said. “Just tell us what to do.”

“Window.” Violet pointed. “Open.”

Duncan didn’t even question her, he pushed the window open. "It looks like we're on the third floor," he said, "or maybe the fourth. There's smoke in the air, so it's hard to tell. We're not so high up, but it's still too far to jump." 

"Climb?" Sunny asked. 

Klaus got up and joined Duncan at the window. "There's an intercom speaker right below us," Klaus said. "I suppose we could hang on to that and climb down to the bushes below, but we'd be climbing in front of a huge crowd. The doctors and nurses are helping the patients escape, and there's Hal, and that reporter from The Daily Punctilio and VFD is guarding the doors.”

“We need to distract them.” Duncan said.

“Isadora,” Violet blinked a few times. “Open that, box, of rubber bands. Make a, cord.”

Isadora did and Klaus turned to his sister. “How are we going to distract the crowd with rubber bands?”

“I don’t know.” Violet admitted. “I’m having trouble thinking.”

“Help!” Sunny was pulling at one of the lab coats. Opening her mouth wide, she bit down on the fabric, ripping a small strip off the coat with her teeth. Then she held up the strip of white cloth, and handed it to Violet. 

"Ribbon," she said, and Violet gave her a weary smile. With unsteady fingers, the eldest Baudelaire tied her hair up to keep it out of her eyes, using the thin strip of fabric instead of a hair ribbon. She closed her eyes again, and then nodded. 

“It’s a bit silly, but I think it did help.” Violet turned to Duncan. “Help your sister and Sunny can you empty one of those cans of soup?”

Sunny nodded.

"What can I do?" Klaus asked. 

"You can pray this works," Violet said and heaved herself up. She took the empty can and used a pen to stab a hole in the other side. “This will work as an intercom.”

“Huh.” They all said.

"Now," Violet said, ignoring them, there wasn’t time to explain. "you two hold this near the window. Don't let the crowd see it. They have to think my voice is coming out of the intercom." 

Violet walked over, she almost fell and Klaus had to grab her arm and help her over.

"Attention!" Violet announced. "This is Babs. Mattathias has resigned due to personal problems, so I am once again the Head of Human Resources. The Baudelaire murderers and arsonists have been spotted in the unfinished wing of the hospital. We require everyone's assistance in making sure they do not escape. Please rush over there right away. That is all." 

Violet pulled her head out of the can, and looked at her siblings. "Do you think it worked?" she asked. 

Sunny opened her mouth to answer, but she was interrupted by the voice of the bearded volunteer. 

"Did you hear that?" the children heard him say. "The criminals are over in the unfinished half of the hospital. Come on, everyone."

"Maybe some of us should stay here at the front entrance, just in case," said a voice the children recognized as Hal's. Violet stuck her head back into the can. 

"Attention!" she announced. "This is Babs, the Head of Human Resources. No one should stay at the front entrance to the hospital. It's too dangerous. Proceed at once to the unfinished wing. That is all."

"I can see the headline now," said the reporter from The Daily Punctilio. “‘Murders Captured in Unfinished half of Hospital by Well Organized Medical Professionals.' Wait until the readers of The Daily Punctilio see that!" There was a cheer from the crowd, which faded as they walked away from the front of Heimlich Hospital. 

“Oh it worked.” Violet said. “Thank goodness.”

“Okay but why do you need the rubber bands?” Duncan asked, holding up his end.

“Climb?” Sunny guessed.

"We're not going to climb," Violet said, "not with such a skinny, rubbery cord. We're going to bounce." 

"Bounce?" Sunny asked doubtfully. 

"Plenty of people bounce from high places on long, rubbery cords just for fun," Violet said, "so I'm sure we can do it to escape. I'll tie the cord to the faucet with the Devil's Tongue knot, and we'll each take turns jumping out the window. The cord should catch us before we hit the ground, and bounce us up, and down, and up, and down, more and more gently each time. Eventually we'll get to the bottom safely, and then we'll toss it back up to the next person." 

"It sounds risky," Klaus said. "I'm not sure the cord is long enough."

"It is risky," Violet agreed, "but not as risky as a fire."

The door to the room began to rattle and the children realized that Olaf’s associates must have started searching in that part of the hospital.

"I'll go first," Violet tied it to the sink faucet. "I invented it, so I'd better test it." 

“No,” Isadora said. “We aren’t taking turns.”

“Together.” Sunny agreed.

“Oh this rope is so going to break.” Klaus still stepped up and grabbed it with the rest of his friends and family.

The rope did break, but only once the children had touched the ground, so rather than a huge fall the snap simply made them stumble. 

“We made it.” Duncan said in relief. “Now what?”

“I don’t know I can’t see anything.” Violet said.

“We need to get out of this smoke.” Klaus said, pulling up his shirt over his mouth.

“Shelter.” Sunny agreed.

"Hurry up!" the Baudelaires heard a voice call out of the smoke. "This way!" It was Olaf. He was driving a car and had parked it right in front of a no park sign.

"Hurry up!" Olaf's voice said again. "Hurry up or I'll leave you behind!"

"I'm coming, darling." From somewhere to the left the children heard the reply of Esmé Squalor. “Everyone is behind me, I had them take all the medical coats we could find, in case we need them for costumes again." 

"Good thinking," Olaf replied. "Can you see the car in the smoke?" 

"Yes," Esmé said. "Open the trunk, darling, and we'll put the costumes in." 

"Oh, all right," Olaf sighed and walked around to the back of the car to pop the trunk. “The Snicket file wasn't in the Library of Records, but I think I know where I can find it. Once we destroy those thirteen pages, there'll be no stopping us." 

"We've got to destroy the Baudelaires, too," Esmé said.

“And the Quagmires!” The person of an ambiguous gender added.

“Yes, yes and the Quagmires.” Esmé said offhandedly.

Violet leaned as close as she could to her siblings and friends so she could whisper to them without being heard. "We've got to go in there," she said. 

"Where?" Klaus whispered in reply. 

"In the trunk," Violet replied. "It's our only chance to get out of here without getting captured, or worse."

“Terrible idea Violet.” Isadora said. “That’s as good as getting captured.”

"We've got to get the rest of the Snicket file before Olaf does," Violet said, "or we'll never be able to clear our names." 

"Or bring Olaf to justice," Klaus said. 

“You just like bad ideas Klaus.” Duncan whispered.

“That’s true but it’s also the only way to find out if someone in your family survived.” Klaus took the lowshot.

“Fine.” Duncan said. And it worked.

“Fine.” Isadora sounded less convinced but she agreed anyway.

The children ran and slipped in the trunk, it was a tight fit but all five of them fit in it. One of the white faced ladies threw the coats on top of the children and slammed the truck shut, enveloping them in darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I cannot believe it's been almost a year of quarantine I am so burnt out.


	36. Caligari Carnival

Klaus was asleep across Violet’s stomach, who was pressed against the side of the trunk and Duncan, who was next to Klaus, was being laid on by Isadora. Sunny was sleeping in the center of the spare tire, which was flat and filled with bullet holes like the lid of the trunk. It was a tight fit and the trunk was unbearably hot due to the five children in it, they had been in the back of the car for a few hours at that point and Olaf was still driving. The children who were still awake were able to hear the conversation being had by those in the car, at that moment Esmé was talking about what was in or not.

Olaf hit a bump which threw all the children around in the trunk, waking up Klaus, Isadora, and Sunny.

“Wha-” Klaus started to say.

“Shh.” Violet covered his mouth and listened to see if anyone noticed.

“Can we stop?” The hook handed man said, no one noticed anything amiss about the trunk.

“No we cannot,” Olaf said. “We will stop when we get to Madame Lulu’s and find out where the Snicket file is.”

“And the sugar bowl.” Esmé said. The children were confused at that, they hadn’t heard about a sugar bowl before and couldn’t think why Esmé would want one.

“And the Baudelaires and Quagmires.” Olaf added.

"Do you think all three of those bratty orphans got out of the hospital alive?" the bald man asked. 

"Those children seem to have all the luck in the world," Count Olaf said, "so they're all probably alive and well, but it would sure make things easier if two or three of them burned to a crisp. We only need one of each alive to get the fortunes."

“I hope it’s Sunny.” The hook handed man said.

“I hope it’s Violet.” Olaf said. “She’s the prettiest.” All the children shuddered at that.

"I don't care who it is," Esmé said. "I just want to know where they are." 

"Well, Madame Lulu will know," Olaf said. "With her crystal ball, she'll be able to tell us where the orphans are, where the file is, and anything else we want to know." 

"I never believed in things like crystal balls," remarked a white faced woman, "but when this Madame Lulu started telling you how to find the Baudelaires every time they escaped, I learned that fortune telling is real." 

"Stick with me," Olaf said, "and you'll learn lots of new things. Oh, here's the turn for Rarely Ridden Road. We're almost there." 

And they could tell the road was rarely ridden, there were potholes and bumps along its entirety. Violet grabbed Sunny out of the tire so she didn’t hit her head while they were tossed around the trunk. After what felt like an hour the car finally pulled to a stop and Olaf and his associates got out of the car.

"Should I get the wine out of the trunk, boss?" the bald man asked. 

The children froze. 

"No," Count Olaf replied. "Madame Lulu will have plenty of refreshments for us." 

The five children laid very still and listened as Olaf and his troupe trudged away from the car. Their footsteps grew fainter and fainter until the siblings could hear nothing but the evening breeze as it whistled through the bullet holes, and at last it seemed safe for the Baudelaire and Quagmires to speak to one another. 

“What now?” Isadora asked, voice barely a whisper.

“We need to get out of this trunk.” Violet said.

“How?” Duncan asked.

“Maybe I can invent something.” Violet said, looking around the trunk for materials.

“No need.” Klaus reached across and started feeling around the lid of the trunk. “Any car made in the last 20 years has to have a latch which will open the trunk from the inside.” Klaus’ fingers caught the latch and he pulled it. 

The trunk opened with a quiet click and cool air rushed in, Klaus gently opened the lid a little further to see if anyone was nearby. The cost was clear so with a push Klaus lifted the lid up and climbed out. The carnival was run down, there was a faded sign which read “Caligari Carnival” and a small booth covered in peeling paint advertising tickets for sale. There was a phone booth which was mostly rust and beyond it was a rollercoaster which was covered in ivy. And even further was a series of large tents in bright colors and caravans besides them, and one caravan was obviously Madame Lulu’s as it was decorated with an eye which matched Olaf’s and Jacques’ and the one in Paltryville. 

"Now that we're out of the trunk," Klaus said, "let's get out of the area. Olaf and his troupe could get back any minute." 

"But where are we going to go?" Violet asked. "We're in the hinterlands. There’s no place to hide here." 

"Well, we'll have to find one," Klaus said. "It can't be safe to hang around any place where Count Olaf is welcome." 

“Maybe we should leave again?” Isadora suggested. 

"But we can't go wandering around the countryside again," Violet said. "The last time we did that, we ended up in even more trouble." 

"Maybe we could call the police from that phone booth," Duncan said. 

"But the police think we're murderers!" Sunny reminded them.

"I suppose we could try to reach Mr. Poe," Violet said. "He didn't answer the telegram we sent him asking for help, but maybe we'll have better luck on the phone."

The group made a doubtful noise at Violet’s suggestion.

"It's probably a slim chance that he'll be of any help," Violet admitted, "but what have we got to lose?"

They all walked over to the phone and Violet picked it up.

"Operator," said the operator. 

"Good evening," Violet said. "I would like to place a call." 

"Please deposit the proper amount of money," the operator said. Violet turned to her siblings and friends.

“Does anyone have any money?” She had forgotten that you need to pay at a payphone. 

Klaus dug through his pockets and came up empty, he had used all his money at the general store before the hospital. The Quagmires and Sunny dug through their pockets and also found that they had no money.

"We don't have the proper amount of money," Violet said. "We don't have any money at all. But this is an emergency." 

There was a sigh from the operator. "What is the exact nature of your emergency?"

Violet weighed her options and how she could summarize what had happened to convince the oportator to let her talk to Poe. "Well," she began, "my name is Violet Baudelaire, and I'm here with my brother, Klaus, and my sister, Sunny, and our friends Isadora and Duncan Quagmire. Our names might sound a bit familiar to you, because The Daily Punctilio has recently published an article saying that we're Veronica, Klyde, and Susie Baudelaire, and that we're murderers who killed Count Omar and kidnapped Declan and Isabella Quagmire. But Isabella and Declan are really Isadora and Duncan and we didn’t kidnap them and Count Omar is really Count Olaf, and he's not really dead. He faked his death by killing another person with the same tattoo, and framed us for the murder. Recently he destroyed a hospital while trying to capture us, but we managed to hide in the trunk of his car as he drove off with his comrades. Now we've gotten out of the trunk, and we're trying to reach Mr. Poe so he can help us get a hold of the Snicket file, which we think might explain what the initials VFD stand for, and if someone survived the fire after all. I know it's a very complicated story, and it may seem unbelievable to you, but we're all by ourselves in the hinterlands and we don't know what else to do." Violet was a little out of breath after telling the story so fast.

There was no response. "Hello?" Violet said.

The telephone said nothing. 

"Hello?" Violet said again. "Hello? Hello?" 

The telephone did not answer. 

"Hello?" Violet said.

"I think we'd better hang up," Klaus said gently. 

"But why isn't anyone answering?" Violet said.

"I don't know," Duncan said, "but I don't think the operator will help us."

Violet put the phone down and asked, “now what?”

“I have a bad idea.” Klaus was staring at a poster which said “freaks wanted”.

“I’m sure your idea is fine.” Isadora said.

“We steal costumes from Olaf’s trunk and pretend to be freaks to spy on Olaf and maybe find out where the Snicket file is.” Klaus said and pointed at the flyer.

“That is a bad idea.” Isadora said.

“Well we don’t have any good ones.” Duncan pointed out.

“I would love a good idea but my only other one is stealing a car and hoping we don’t starve to death in the hinterlands.” Klaus said.

“How would we steal a car?” Duncan asked.

“I’m sure me or Violet could figure out how to hotwire a car.” Klaus said.

“Let’s save stealing a car as a last resort.” Violet didn’t want to have to figure out how to hotwire a car. “Maybe we should start with listening in to Olaf and his group.” Violet pointed to the caravan that they had entered.

“That is an okay idea and I am willing to do it.” Isadora started walking towards the caravan. There was a window on the side of the car in which the children could listen through and the five of them carefully crept over and tried to hear what was being said.

"We've been swamped at work," the hook handed man said, his voice was clear to the children listening in. "Those five orphans have been very difficult to capture."

"Do not worry of the children, please," Madame Lulu replied. "My crystal ball tells me that my Olaf will prevail." 

"If that means 'murder innocent children,'" one of the white-faced women said, "then that's the best news we've heard all day." 

"Prevail means win," Olaf said, "but in my case that's the same thing as killing those brats. Exactly when does the crystal ball say I will prevail, Lulu?" 

"Very soon, please," Madame Lulu replied. "What gifts have you brought me from your traveling, my Olaf?" 

"Well, let's see," Olaf replied. "There's a lovely pearl necklace I stole from one of the nurses at Heimlich Hospital." 

"You promised me I could have that," Esmé said. "Give her one of those crow hats you snatched from the Village of Fowl Devotees."

"I tell you, Lulu," Olaf said, ignoring Esmé, "your fortune telling abilities are amazing. I never would have guessed that the Baudelaires were hiding out in that stupid town, but your crystal ball knew right away." 

"Magic is magic, please," Lulu replied. "More wine, my Olaf?" 

"Thank you," Olaf said. "Now, Lulu, we need your fortune telling abilities once more." 

"The orphan brats slipped away from us again," the bald man said, "and the boss was hoping you'd be able to tell us where they went." 

"Also," the person of an ambiguous gender said, "we need to know where the Snicket file is." 

"And we need to know if one of the Baudelaire parents survived the fire," Esmé said. "The orphans seem to think so, but your crystal ball could tell us for sure." 

The Quagmires had to wonder if the troupe had forgotten about them, which wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen if we are being honest.

"Can't you consult your crystal ball right now?" Olaf asked the woman.

"You know rules of crystal ball, my Olaf," Lulu replied. "At night the crystal ball must be sleeping in the fortune telling tent, and at sunrise you may ask one question." 

"Then I'll ask my first question tomorrow morning," Olaf said, "and we'll stay until all my questions are answered." 

"Oh, my Olaf," Madame Lulu said. "Please, times are very hard for Caligari Carnival. Is not good business idea to have carnival in hinterlands, so there are not many people to see Madame Lulu or crystal ball. Caligari Carnival gift caravan has lousy souvenirs. And Madame Lulu has not enough freaks, please, in the House of Freaks. You visit, my Olaf, with troupe, and stay many days, drink my wine and eat all of my snackings.”

"Madame Lulu has no money, please," Lulu continued. "Is hard, my Olaf, to do fortune telling for you when Madame Lulu is so poor. The caravan of mine has leaky roof, and Madame Lulu needs money, please, to do repairs." 

"I've told you before," Olaf said, "once we get the Baudelaire fortune, the carnival will have plenty of money." 

They definitely forgot about the Quagmires.

“You said that about Snick fortune.” Madame Lulu said. “But never a penny does Madame Lulu see. We must think, please, of something to make Caligari Carnival more popular. Madame Lulu was hoping that troupe of my Olaf could put on a big show like The Marvelous Marriage. Many people would come to see." 

"The boss can't get up on stage," the bald man said. "Planning schemes is a fulltime job." 

"Besides," Esmé said, "I've retired from show business. All I want to be now is Count Olaf's girlfriend." 

The children knew that anything relevant had been said and they slipped back to the car, not wanting to hear Esmé and Lulu fight over Olaf.

Once they had made it to the car Isadora turned and said, “maybe Klaus’ idea wasn’t terrible.”

“No it is terrible but it might work.” Klaus said. “Lulu said they need freaks, we can be freaks.”

“Well what would we be?” Duncan asked.

“Let’s see what Olaf has.” Violet said. “I also would really like to get out of this gown.”

Duncan and Isadora nodded in agreement as they looked down at their own gowns. In the end Olaf’s costumes weren’t much better but at least they weren’t paper thin. Isadora and Duncan had ended up sharing one overly large shirt to be conjoined twins. Violet took Klaus’ fake beard from the hospital and put on one of the dresses that were strewn in the trunk to look like a bearded lady. She then sat Klaus down and took a makeup kit to draw tattoos on his arms and put a wig on his head. And Sunny had covered her whole body with a brown wig and looked like a giant long haired guinea pig.

“Well I think we look unrecognizable.” Duncan said, leaning on Isadora.

“Klaus you should take off your glasses.” Isadora said, leaning on Duncan.

“Right. But you shouldn’t call me Klaus.” Klaus put his glasses in the pocket of one of Olaf’s coats that had had the sleeves ripped off.

"Will you be able to see without your glasses?" Violet asked. 

"If I squint," Klaus said, squinting. "I can't read like this, but I won't be bumping into things. If I keep them on, Count Olaf will probably recognize me."

“Can we pick our own names this time?” Duncan asked.

“Sure.” Violet said.

“Cool I’m going to be Elliot.” Duncan said.

“I can be Beverly.” Isadora said. “May being in disguise, prevent our demise.”

“You all can call me Leanna.” Violet was using some of the makeup to make herself look older. “Isa- Beverly, Elliot, come here I want to do your makeup.”

“Leo?” Klaus couldn’t think of a name.

“Leo is fine.” Violet was drawing scars on Duncan’s faces.

“Chabo!” Sunny said.

“Okay just to get this straight,” Klaus said. “I’m some tattooed child, Leanna is a bearded woman, Beverly and Elliot are conjoined twins, but what is Chabo?”

“Wolf!” Sunny said and growled.

“How about half wolf and half human.” Duncan said.

“Ew.” Klaus said. “But it works.”

Violet had almost finished and Klaus was digging through the trunk. “What are you doing Leo?”

“Scavenging?” Klaus said.

“Get out of the trunk,” Violet pulled the back of her brother’s coat. “Let’s go get hired.”

The little group walked over to the caravan and Violet stepped up to knock on the door.

"Who's there?" Madame Lulu called.

"We're freaks," Violet answered, dropping her voice. "We're five, mean, we're four freaks looking for work." 

The door opened with a creak, and the children got their first look at Madame Lulu. She was wearing a long, shimmering robe that seemed to change colors as she moved, and a turban that looked very much like the one Count Olaf had worn back at Prufrock Preparatory School. She had long, wavy black hair which fell to her waist and piercing almost black eyes. Behind her, sitting at a small round table, were Count Olaf, Esmé, and Olaf's comrades, who were watching the children curiously. 

"Walk in, please," Madame Lulu said and moved out of the doorway.

The caravan was covered in tapestries and rugs. There is a back room which was blocked off by a blanket and in the main room a table took up the majority of it. The ceiling was painted black and has glass jewels hanging from thin strings attached to it. The table in the center, which had had Olaf and co. sitting around it, also had an orb which they assumed was the crystal ball. The table also had an assortment of drinks on it, from wine to buttermilk.

“Lulu will interview you for carnival job now.” She gave the children a sharp smile.


	37. The baby bit me

“You look very familiar.” Olaf was more than tipsy which both made the children both nervous and calmer.

"Perhaps you have seen before the freaks, my Olaf," Lulu said. "What are names of the freaks?"

“I’m Leanna,” Violet had a slight southern drawl, “and them here are the twins.”

Isadora and Duncan manage not to finch at being called twins. “I’m Beverly and this is my other head Elliot.”

Olaf reached out a hand and Duncan had to stop himself, as Isadora was the right hand, from reaching out. "It's very nice to meet you both," he said. "It must be very difficult, having two heads." 

“Oh yes.” Duncan hadn’t come up with a voice and just did a bad imitation of Violet’s.

"You can't imagine how troublesome it is to find clothing." Isadora was put out at having to do a southern accent.

“The boy over there is Leo.” Violet tried not to shoot the triplets a look.

“Hi.” Klaus did not do an accent, he just lowered the pitch of his voice a bit.

“And that’s Chabo, the wolf baby.” Violet pointed to Sunny who was on the ground but the group was still focusing on the Quagmires.

"I was just noticing your shirt," Esmé said to Isadora and Duncan. "It's very in." 

"Just because we're freaks," Violet said, her friends weren’t doing great with the whole lying thing. "Doesn't mean we don't care about fashion." 

"How about eating?" Count Olaf said, his eyes shining brightly, still focused on the triplets. "Do you have trouble eating?" 

"Well, I–I mean, well, we–" Duncan stuttered out.

"Let's see how much trouble you have," Olaf grabbed an ear of corn and handed it to them. "Eat this ear of corn, you two headed freak."

"Yes," Madame Lulu agreed. "It is best way to see if you can work in carnival. Eat corn! Eat corn!”

They weren’t able to eat the corn well, trying to eat one piece of food with two heads is a feat. And one they were failing. Isadora eventually dropped her side and the corn side out of Duncan’s hand and fell back on the table. The group of adults bursted out laughing and demanded they try again.

After they had gotten their fill Madame Lulu said, "You are hired for House of Freaks show." 

"What about the other ones?" Esmé asked, taking a sip of the buttermilk.

“Yes, yes!” Lulu turned to the Baudelaires. “What do you do?”

“I am a bearded woman.” Violet said.

“People do love seeing people of confusing genders, I think she would be a good addition.” The person of an ambiguous gender said.

“Yes very good,” Lulu agreed. “You are hired to. Little tattoo boy you?”

“Uh, I’m covered in tattoos.” The group didn’t look very impressed. “I can also do magic?”

Klaus had read four magic books when he was 10 and then spent the next year practicing them, he didn’t do it so much anymore but Sunny enjoyed them so he could still do the basics.

“Oooo, show Madame Lulu!” She squealed.

Klaus reached into his pocket and threw out a cloud of baby powder which they had used to lighten Isadora’s and Duncan’s hair. He then reached into the cloud and as it settled there was a small plastic flower in Klaus’ hand.

“For the lady.” Klaus bowed slightly and presented the flower to Lulu.

“I like very much, you are hired.” Lulu pointed to Sunny. “You said wolf baby?”

Violet cut in. "Her mother was a hunter who fell in love with a handsome wolf, and this is their poor child."

"I didn't even know that was possible," said the hook handed man. 

“Is she nice?” the bald man reached down towards Sunny and she bared her teeth at him. “Ah! Not nice!”

"She's still a bit wild," Klaus said.

"In fact, we got all these horrible scars from teasing her." Isadora said and Sunny growled then to bring the point home.

"Chabo will be excellent carnival attraction," Madame Lulu pronounced. "People are always liking of violence, please. You are hired, too, Chabo." 

"Just keep her away from me," Esmé said. "A wolf baby like that would probably ruin my outfit."

"Come now, freaky people," Madame Lulu said. "Madame Lulu will show you the caravan, please, where you will do the sleeping." 

"We'll stay here and have more wine," Count Olaf said. "Congratulations on the new freaks, Lulu. I knew you'd have good luck with me around."

Lulu led them to the freak caravan which had three freaks already in it, Hugo, Colette, and Kevin. There were a series of hammocks to make the small space more livable, as the entire area was mostly a kitchen and a table with a few shelves lining the walls. Kevin was stringing up three new hammocks as Isadora and Duncan would be sharing one and Sunny had decided to sleep in one of her sibling’s.

Their new coworkers were nice, if a little self pitying. 

“You don’t know how bad it is.” Kevin was complaining. “Everywhere I go I hear ‘there goes Kevin, the ambidextrous freak’.”

“Doesn’t that mean that you just don’t have a dominant hand?” Klaus was pretty sure but this man made it seem like a death sentence.

"So you've heard of me," Kevin said. "Is that why you traveled out here to the hinterlands, so you could stare at somebody who can write his name with either his left hand or his right?"

“Our brother was ambidextrous.” Isadora added, almost forgetting to use her accent. Quigley Quagmire had no dominant hand while his sister, Isadora, was right handed and his brother, Duncan, was left. It really worked out quite well.

“Was?” Colette asked from her hammock.

“He died.” Duncan did not want to go into specifics.

“Your poor parents, two- ugh three freakish children.” Kevin said and the Quagmires were only barely able to stop from shouting our brother wasn’t freakish. “They must be devastated.”

“They’re also dead.” Isadora said.

“Oh I’m sorry.” Colette dropped down from her bed. “I’m Colette.”

“Hi,” Isadora said in a forced southern accent. “I’m Beverly. Nice to meet ya.”

“Are we ambidextrous?” Duncan asked.

“No.” Isadora was pretty sure that as Beverly and Elliot they were but that was a can of worms not to be opened.

“You should feel lucky.” Kevin said with no tact.

"Oh Kevin, I know it's depressing being so freakish, but try and look on the bright side. At least you're better off than me." Colette said.

Sunny wanted to say, "I don't see anything freakish about you either, but even if I did I wouldn't laugh at you because it wouldn't be polite." But she just growled instead.

"I bet that's some sort of wolf laugh," Colette said, "but I don't blame Chabo for laughing at a contortionist."

"Contortionist?" Violet asked.

"Yes," Colette sighed. "I can bend my body into all sorts of unusual positions. Look."

And she did, and it was rather impressive.

“Well what about you two?” Hugo said. “I mean I am a hunchback but I’m sure you have it bad too.”

“I have a beard, not sure what I’m doin’ tomorrow but we will see.” Violet said.

“It’s probably a hormonal imbalance.” Klaus said. “Higher levels of testosterone most likely.”

“That’s real interesting Leo, tell the nice people what’s wrong with you.” Violet shot her brother a dry look.

Klaus just held out his arms covered in fake tattoos. “I think they can guess Leanna.” Klaus said.

“What are you going to be doing tomorrow?” Colette asked.

“Magic.” Klaus did jazz hands as he said it.

“Will you show us something?” Colette asked.

“Sure let me see if I got a deck of cards.” Klaus didn’t but Sunny did. He did a fairly simple card trick but when asked Colette if it was her card and it was he might as well have sawed a woman in half.

The group continued to lament over how freakish they were, and despite trying to be good sports the Baudelaires couldn’t help but feel a little put out. As Violet listened to Kevin complain about being ambidextrous for what felt like the hundredth time that night, she thought of how she never got to go to school because her parents couldn’t trust she would stay visible. And as Klaus listened to Hugo complain about his hunchback he thought of how he had insomnia at 6 years old because of the ghosts he would see. And as Sunny listened to Colette complain about being a contortionist she thought about how she had to watch every move she made to make sure it wasn’t too advanced for a toddler.

And the Quagmires, who were not listening to anyone, thought about the last page of the Snicket file, tucked away in Klaus’ coat, and how one of their parents or even maybe Quigley might have survived the fire which destroyed their home and started their series of unfortunate events.

"Wake up!" the hook handed man said the next morning, and pounded on the door. "Wake up and hurry up! I'm in a very bad mood and have no time for your nonsense. It's a very busy day at the carnival. Madame Lulu and Count Olaf are running errands, I'm in charge of the House of Freaks, the crystal ball revealed that one of those blasted Baudelaire parents is still alive, and the gift caravan is almost out of figurines." 

“One of the who’s is what now?” Klaus sat up blearily.

"What do you care, freaks?" the hook handed man asked suspiciously. 

“Um,” Violet had to think quickly. "We've been reading about the Baudelaires in the Daily Punctilio. We're very interested in the case of those three murderous children." 

"Well," the hook handed man said, "those kids' parents were supposed to be dead, but Madame Lulu looked into her crystal ball and saw that one of them was alive. It's a long story, but it means that we're all going to be very busy. Count Olaf and Madame Lulu had to leave early this morning to run an important errand, so I'm now in charge of the House of Freaks. That means I get to boss you around, so hurry up and get ready for the show!" 

"I feel sorry for that man," Colette remarked, once he shut the door. "Every time he and that Count person come to visit, it makes me feel bad to look at his hooks." 

"He's better off than me," Kevin said, yawning. "At least one of his hooks is stronger than the other one. My arms and legs are exactly alike." 

"And mine are very bendable," Colette said. "Well, we'd better do as the man says and get ready for the show." 

“Yep well we start every morning with a walk, all four- five- all of us.” Klaus said and started dragging Violet out. “We’ll be right back.”

Isadora and Duncan had to scramble to catch up with the Baudelaires who were hightailing it out the caravan.

Klaus leaned against another caravan a short while away and said, “So Madame Lulu is a fake.”

“What’s the point of being here then.” Isadora asked.

“Madame Lulu has still been able to find us wherever we go, she must have some information.” Violet pointed out. “And once we get it I have some choice words for her.”

“We need to get into that tent.” Sunny said. Everyone turned to look at Violet.

“Fine,” She said. “Figure out a cover I'm going to go before they get back.”

Violet walked off towards Madame Lulu’s caravan, leaving the rest of the group to make their way to the House of Freaks tent. The hook handed man was standing in the tent along with Kevin, Colette, and Hugo. And in one of the hooked hands was what looked like a very long sheet of pasta.

"Get inside and put on a good show," he ordered. "Madame Lulu said that if you don't give the audience what they want, I'm allowed to use this tagliatelle grande." 

"What's a tagliatelle grande?" Colette asked.

"Tagliatelle is a type of Italian noodle," the hook handed man explained, holding up the pasta, "and grande means 'big' in Italian. This is a big noodle that a carnival worker cooked up for me this morning. And if you don't do what I say I get to hit you with the tagliatelle grande, which I've heard is an unpleasant and somewhat sticky experience." 

"Don't worry, sir," Hugo said. "We're professionals."

The group started to make their way into the building when he called out, “Hey! Where’s beardy.”

All four children froze. “Oh you mean Leanna?” Klaus said. “Chabo bit her, she’s cleaning it so she doesn’t get tetanus. Or rabies.”

“Poor thing,” Isadora added. “But don’t you worry she will be back in a jiffy.”

“She better be.” The hook handed man said and let the group go.

Violet was walking towards a large eye on the side of the caravan, the same eye that had followed the children these past few months. Violet glared at the eye as if it had caused all the problems in her life, rather than simply being attached to them.

“Oh my god.” She stopped dead in her tracks. Violet had had a book of illusions that she had stolen from Klaus when they were children, it had a series of pictures which at first looked like paint splotches, but after a few moments turned into something. Like a woman or a vase or duck. And staring at the side of the caravan it felt like the moment that the optical illusion would click, and instead of an eye Violet saw the letters V F and D.

At the very least she had something to report back.

Walking into the car Violet could see that it looked similar to what it did the night before, but dirtier. “Olaf taints everything he touches.” Violet thought. But besides that there wasn’t anywhere obvious to hide something in the main area, and although she did feel bad about not respecting Madame Lulu’s privacy, Madame Lulu never respected her’s either. But even as Violet lifted the mattress and checked to see if there were any loose floorboards she couldn’t find a single thing in Lulu’s bedroom.

So Violet walked back into the main room and started her search over again, checking anywhere she could think of. And while she found out how Lulu did her fortune telling by having mirrors rigged up on a fan belt to make the light from a small hole in the tent shine around the room, she couldn’t find anything which would tell her how Lulu kept finding them or if anyone survived the Quagmire fire. And while it was interesting to learn why Lulu could only do readings in the morning it wasn’t very helpful and Violet knew she needed to get back soon.

With a sigh Violet sat in Madame Lulu’s chair, where there were more switches to make her illusion look real. Violet laid her head on the table but a rustling noise made her sit up quickly. Violet lifted the edge of the table cloth and saw some paper about a party which didn’t interest her, what did was what other information could be under the tablecloth.

Violet carefully placed the crystal ball onto the guest chair and fully removed the covering. The amount of papers which covered the table was more than Violet could possibly carry or read before someone got suspicious. She tried to think of how Klaus would approach this but there was no table of contents and he had a tendency to get sidetracked. So she tried to think how Duncan would approach this, admittedly she wasn’t as familiar with Duncan’s research style, but from what she knew he would get a list of words he would scan for, and when one of them popped up he would then scan to see if it was relevant.

Baudelaire, Quagmire, Olaf, and Snicket were the words she came up with. And while Violet would have liked to learn more about Uncle Monty’s reptile collection or what destroyed Paltryville or VFD, she simply didn’t have time. By the time Violet was carefully putting the tablecloth back she had a small stack of papers and had been gone far too long. She ran to drop off the information she found, to be reviewed later, at the freak caravan and then ran to the House of Freaks.

“Where have you been.” The hook handed man demanded. “We had to put the tattoo boy on early and he was supposed to be the finale!” 

Violet didn’t know what lie Klaus came up with and Sunny could tell by the minute widening of her eyes. So doing her best to not draw attention Sunny mimed biting herself then pointed at Violet. “Chabo bit me.” Violet was relieved when the man didn’t look at her weird.

“Well I know that. Why did it take so long?” The hook handed man held out his pasta whip threateningly. 

“Needed stitches, I’m not very good at them.” Violet hoped he didn’t call her bluff.

“Let me see.” He called her bluff.

“Listen sweetheart,” Violet hissed out. “The wolf brat bit me on my thigh and the only way you are seeing the stitches is if I take off my pants and that is not happening.”

“Get set up, you’re on next.” He relented. 

“Great, what am I doing?” Violet said.

“Say manly things while doing girly things, or not. I don’t care.” The hook handed man said, there was polite applause, that or there were only 5 people in the crowd, signaling Klaus was just about done. “Just get out there.”

“Fine!” Violet stomped over and grabbed a makeup pallet and a brush and walked out. It was horrid, the crowd seemed to love laughing at her while Violet put on makeup and talked about various sports. When she walked into the back of the tent Violet knew that she never wanted to do that again. She hoped that they could leave soon with the information she found. Isadora and Duncan were going last and Violet knew it would be bad, she had wanted to grab the two of them when they were interviewing and drag the triplets away from all those horrible people, but Violet couldn’t.

They were all sitting in the freak car, pouting. Violet still felt disgruntled from her performance and Sunny was testy due to people teasing her with sticks from very far away. And Isadora and Duncan hated the taunts and felt like they might never eat corn after this again. And Klaus, who had only gotten some rude comments, felt upset on behalf of his sisters and friends.

"Let's try to forget our troubles and play dominoes," Hugo said, bringing over a tray with eight steaming mugs of hot chocolate. "I thought both of your heads might want to drink separately," he explained with a smile, "particularly because this hot chocolate is a little bit unusual. Chabo the Wolf Baby added a little bit of cinnamon." 

"Chabo added it?" Klaus asked with surprise, he didn’t know Sunny had taken up cooking.

"Yes," Hugo said. "At first I thought it was some freaky wolf recipe, but it's actually quite tasty." 

"That was a clever idea, Chabo," Violet said and took a sip. “And a tasty one. You know what I forgive you for biting me.”

Sunny growled at her with a smile.

"You should be very proud of yourself," Hugo agreed. "If you weren't a freak, Chabo, you could grow up to be an excellent chef." 

"She could be a chef anyway," Isadora said. "Elliot, would you mind if we stepped outside to enjoy our hot chocolate?" 

"That's a good idea," Duncan said quickly. "I've always considered hot chocolate to be an outdoor beverage, and I'd like to take a peek in the gift caravan."

Violet and Klaus didn’t say anything, just followed the triplets and Sunny who was already out the door.

"Don't be too long," Colette said. "We're not supposed to wander around the carnival." 

"We'll just drink our hot chocolate and come right back," Klaus promised. 

Klaus was sitting on the stairs which lead up into the caravan with Duncan and Isadora. “What’d you find out?” Klaus asked.

“The eye, you know Olaf’s, it spells VFD.” Violet said.

“What?” Klaus asked and Violet pointed to the distant building with an eye on it. “I can't see that.” Klaus said at the same time as everyone else whispered, “oh my god.”

“Just trust us Leo.” Violet said. “Besides that I figured out how Lulu has been tricking Olaf and it is really impressive but I won’t bore you with the details.”

“I’m sure it’s not boring.” Duncan said with puppy dog eyes.

Klaus shared a look with Sunny as Violet was oblivious. “Tell us later, what did you find.”

“That Madame Lulu uses newspapers and other bits of information to find us, I took anything which looked relevant. It’s in my pillow case.” Violet would have continued but the sound of Olaf’s car cut her off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe at one point it was only taking me like 3 to 4 days to write a book, where was all that energy coming from. Anyways about halfway done with book 13!


	38. Quit your abusive job kids

Olaf was going to feed one of the freaks to the lions he had dragged in from the hinterlands. Duncan felt like he was going to lose his mind, Olaf found some lions and decided he was going to drag them back to carnival to kill people for entertainment. And the Baudelaires didn’t even seem freaked out, mad, indigent maybe, but it’s like they thought it was perfectly normal. And the guests at the carnival were excited to see someone get eaten. Duncan missed normal people.

“Things are looking up boss.” The hook handed man said. “You were right.”

"Of course he was right, please," Madame Lulu said. "He is brilliant man, and brave man, and generous man. He is brilliant for thinking of the lion show, please. He is brave man for hitting lions with whip, please. And he is generous man for giving lions to Lulu." 

"He gave those lions to you?" asked a cruel voice. "They were presents?"

Esmé walked up to the group with slow, deliberate steps; which made her seem madder than if she had stomped. "So you gave Madame Lulu some lions," she said. "What did you get me?" 

Count Olaf looked a little embarrassed. "Nothing," he admitted. "But you can share my whip, if you'd like." 

Madame Lulu leaned over and gave Olaf a kiss on the cheek. "He gave lions to me, please, because I did such wonderful fortune-telling." 

"You should have seen it, Esmé," Olaf said. "Lulu and I entered the fortune telling tent and turned out all the lights, and the crystal ball began to hum its magical hum. Then, magical lightning crackled above us, and Madame Lulu told me to concentrate as hard as I could. While I closed my eyes, she gazed into her crystal ball and told me that one of the Baudelaire parents is alive and hiding in the Mortmain Mountains. As a reward, I gave her these lions." 

"First thing tomorrow morning," Olaf continued, "Madame Lulu will consult her crystal ball again, and tell me where the Baudelaires are." 

Esmé glared at Lulu. "And what sort of gift will you give then, Olaf?" 

"Be reasonable, my dear," Count Olaf said to his girlfriend. "The lions will make Caligari Carnival much more popular, so Madame Lulu can devote her time to fortune telling and give us the information we need to finally steal the Baudelaire fortune." 

"I hate to criticize," Hugo said hesitantly, "but is there any way we can make the carnival more popular without feeding us to the lions? I must confess that I'm a little nervous about that part." 

"You heard the crowd when I told them about the new attraction," Count Olaf said. "They couldn't wait to see the lions devour you, and all of us need to do our part to give people what they want. Your part is to return to the freaks' caravan until tomorrow. And the rest of us will do our part and start digging the pit." 

"Pit?" one of the white faced women asked. "What do we need a pit for?" 

"To keep the lions in," Olaf replied, "so they only eat whichever freak jumps down there. Let's dig it in the House of Freaks tent."

The group walked off leaving the children to go to bed with the sense of dread that if they don’t do something someone is going to die. Of course they didn’t actually go to bed, once their coworkers settled for the night the children took out the papers Violet had gotten and distributed them. Violet learned about how her parents had also been a part of VFD and that Olaf once burned down a theater when they refused to cast him as the lead in their play. Isadora and Duncan shared papers as it was quite hard to read something with only one hand. They learned that Beatrice Baudelaire was engaged before she met Bertrand and that Olaf once did an art heist which ended up with 36 people arrested, none of them Olaf. And Klaus learned that the Quagmire parents were in Peru at the same time that the Baudelaires were supposed to be and that Olaf’s father was murdered by someone named Lemony Snicket.

And while all that information was interesting it didn’t help them find the Snicket file, figure out who survived the fire, and how to stop someone from dying tomorrow. Or it was until Violet was reading about a woman named Kit Snicket and how she had been the Madame Lulu before the current Madame Lulu.

Violet all but fell onto the ground in her haste to get out of the hammock, causing her friends and siblings to startle. Violet looked at them, still clutching papers, and gestured for them to follow her out. It was hard to get all them out without waking Hugo, Kevin, or Colette but they managed.

“What did you find?” Isadora was hopeful.

“Madame Lulu works for VFD, kinda.” Violet said. “I didn’t finish but there was a different Madame Lulu before this Madame Lulu. Kit Snicket.”

“Jacques’ sister?” Klaus asked. At Violet’s nod he decided to add in his own information. “Olaf’s dad was killed by Jacques’ brother, Lemony.”

Isadora choked. “Your mom almost married Lemony Snicket.”

“Well I suppose a murder charge would halt an engagement.” Klaus said.

“Uh- well- We are going to circle back around to this, but we have more pressing issues.” Violet gestured towards the pit of lions.

“What, you want to go confront Madame Lulu?” Duncan asked, fully expecting them to say no. 

“Yeah.” Violet said.

“Sounds good.” Klaus agreed.

“Let’s go.” Sunny started to crawl towards the caravan.

“Sane and rational people there are none, my brother you and I are the last one.” Isadora said.

“Catchy and fitting,” Duncan looked down at their shared shirt. “But how rational are we if we are about to follow them.”

“Into the belly of the beast.” Isadora said and followed the Baudelaires to go confront Madame Lulu.

"What are you doing here, please?" Madame Lulu said when the children walked in. "What are the freaks doing in my caravan, please, and please answer me this instant, please, or you will be very, very sorry, please, thank you!"

The children watched the outburst and in retrospect it seemed obvious that Madame Lulu was a fake.

"How dare you, please, enter the tent without permission of Madame Lulu!" Madame Lulu cried. "I am the boss of Caligari Carnival, please, and you must obey me every single moment of your freakish lives! Please, I have never seen, please, the freaks who are so ungrateful to Madame Lulu! You are in the worst of the trouble, please!"

“We know you’re a fraud.” Klaus said.

“By the way Madame Lulu,” Violet all but spat the name out, “how dare you give Olaf information do you feel no shame, do you know how many people are dead that wouldn’t be because of you?” It wasn’t fair but nothing has been fair for Violet in a long time.

"Ple–" Madame Lulu said, but she shut her mouth before she could finish the word. Then without an accent she said, “I am ashamed.” Tears were dripping down her face. "I am utterly ashamed of myself.”

“Madame Lu-” She cut Duncan off.

“Oh don’t call me that. My name is Olivia.” She reached up and dark red hair fell out of her turban. "I'm not Madame Lulu and I'm not a fortune-teller." 

"But why are you pretending to be these things?" Isadora asked. "Why are you wearing a disguise? Why are you helping Count Olaf?" 

"I try to help everyone," Olivia said sadly. "My motto is 'give people what they want.' That's why I'm here at the carnival. I pretend to be a fortune teller, and tell people whatever it is they want to hear. If Count Olaf or one of his henchmen steps inside and asks me where the Baudelaires are, I tell them. If Jacques Snicket or another volunteer steps inside and asks me if his brother is alive, I tell them." 

“Even if it’s not true.” Klaus said.

“What?” Olivia said.

“You told Olaf one of the Baudelaire parents is alive, that’s not true.” Klaus said.

She paled considerably. “You’re the Baudelaires.” Her eyes flitted over to Isadora and Duncan. “Which means you are the Quagmires.”

“We need to find the Snicket file.” Violet said.

"I've been looking for the Snicket file myself. Every time I see a piece of paper blow by, I chase after it to see if it's one of the pages." Olivia said.

"But you told Count Olaf that one of our parents is alive," Violet said, "and that they're hiding in the Mortmain Mountains. If you didn’t see the file why would you say that?" 

"I was just guessing," Olivia said. "If you want people to think you're a fortune-teller, you have to answer their questions, and the answer to nearly every question is written down someplace. It just might take a while to find. It's taken me a long time to gather my archival library, and I still don't have all of the answers I've been looking for. So sometimes, when someone asks me a question and I don't know the answer, I just make something up. If one of your parents has survived, though, that's probably where they'd be. Somewhere in the Mortmain Mountains is one of the last surviving headquarters of VFD But you know that, of course."

“Okay, one, our parents aren’t alive. We think one of theirs’ might be, but ours aren’t.” Violet said. “And two, we don’t know anything, we don't even know what VFD stands for.”

"Then how did you learn to disguise yourselves?" Olivia asked. "You used all three phases of VFD Disguise Training: veiled facial disguises, with your fake scars and makeup, various finery disguises, with the clothing you wore, and voice fakery disguises, with the different voices you used. Now that I think of it, you're even using disguises that look like things in my disguise kit."

“We stole it out of Olaf’s trunk.” Klaus said. 

"That makes sense," Olivia replied. "All volunteers have the same disguise kit. There are people using these disguises all over the world, trying to bring Count Olaf to justice." 

"What?" Sunny asked. 

"I'm confused, too," Isadora said. "We're all confused, Olivia. What is VFD? Sometimes it seems like they're good people, and sometimes it seems like they're bad people."

"It's not as simple as all that," Olivia said sadly. She opened a trunk which had disguises that matched Olaf’s. "The items in the disguise kit are just things, children. You can use these things to help people or to harm them, and many people use them to do both. Sometimes it's hard to know which disguise to use, or what to do once you've put one on." 

The Baudelaires nodded to indicate they followed but Duncan was still confused. “I don’t get it.”

"Some people are like those lions Olaf brought here," Olivia said. "They start out being good people, but before they know it they've become something else. Those lions used to be noble creatures. A friend of mine trained them to smell smoke, which was very helpful in our work. But now Count Olaf is denying them food, and hitting them with his whip, and tomorrow afternoon they'll probably devour one of the freaks. The world is a confusing place.”

Olivia closed the trunk. "They say that long ago it was simple and quiet, but that might be a legend. There was a schism in VFD and since then it's been hard for me to know what to do. I never thought I'd be the sort of person who helps villains, to light fires, but now I do. Haven't you ever found yourself doing something you never thought you'd do?"

“No actually, my life is actually completely on track Olivia.” Klaus said harshly. “There is a difference between helping villains, basically everyone I’ve ever met has helped Olaf, and being complicit in the attempted murder of multiple children.”

“I know!” Olivia was crying again. "I'm ashamed of myself. But I don't know what else to do." 

"You could stop helping Olaf," Isadora said, "and help us instead. You could tell us everything you know about VFD And you could take us to the Mortmain Mountains to see if one of our parents is really alive."

“I used to be noble once, but I’ve been bad for so long that I’m not sure I can go back. Do you think I can be noble again?” Olivia asked.

“Let’s find out.” Violet said. “We could leave together, right now, and head north." 

"But how?" Olivia asked. "We don't have a car, or a minivan, or four horses, or a large slingshot, or any other way to get out of the hinterlands."

Violet looked pained. “Hey Klaus?” His head whipped towards her, eyes lighting up. “Wanna hotwire a car?”

“Yes!” Klaus said. “Can I drive?”

“Please tell me you know how to drive?” Duncan asked Olivia.

“That’s not very noble of you? Or legal.” Olivia said, confused.

“Whoever said we were noble?” Klaus said. “Good and noble are not synonymous and I’m 13, so I'm going to go hotwire a car. Someone get me a knife.”

“Morning.” Sunny said.

“What Sunshine?” Klaus asked. Sunny just pointed in response. “Someone get me a knife fast, Olaf is going to start badgering you about our parents soon.”

Violet walked over to a shelf and handed her brother a knife. “Do we have everything?” Klaus looked down at his coat and gave a thumbs up.

“Whose car are we taking?” Olivia asked as the children walked out of the car.

“There is one car here and I don’t particularly like its owner.” Klaus said.

Speak of the devil. “Madame Lulu!” Olaf called.

“Yes my Olaf?” Olivia slipped back into the accent easily.

“What are you doing with those freaks?” Olaf said.

Violet could tell that Olivia was moments away from revealing them. “Oh bless your heart.” Violet put her accent back on as well. “Darlin’ if I wanted to I could shave and reenter society, they cannot. Finding ‘em a good home is important and all, but it is not worth bein’ eaten by some lions for.”

“You can’t do that.” Olaf said.

“Oh I’m sorry.” Violet was actually affronted. “Do you not expect people to act with agency? Does everyone you meet roll over and show you their bellies? Listen here Mr. Olaf I don’t know who you think you are, but you are not in charge of me.”

“Madame Lulu is.” Olaf countered.

“Not anymore she isn’t.” Violet shot back.

“She quit and take 3 good freaks with her.” Olivia said. “But big crowd comes from these lions, and I still have few freaks.”

“You mentioned us?” Kevin, Hugo, and Colette had a bad air about them, and the fact that Esmé was behind the three wearing an ‘I heart freaks’ dress didn’t boost the children’s confidence. “You weren’t there when we woke up.” 

Kevin didn’t ask it like a question but Violet answered anyway. “And we won't be there again. No one’s self confidence should be so low that they are willing to be fed to lions. If y’all were smart you’d pack your bags and join us.”

“Freak,” Madame Lulu said. “Please do not try and take more freaks from me.”

“You don’t need to worry about us Leanna.” Yep Colette was up to something. “We are so ready for this afternoon.”

“See that’s the spirit.” Olaf said.

“I’m glad you think we are spirited.” Hugo said and Esmé shot a thumbs up at them. 

“Oh they are up to something.” Sunny said and the rest of the children gave slight nods in agreement.

Olaf looked confused for a moment before turning back to Violet. “So you freaks are leaving?”

“Not yet.” Klaus said. “Chabo wants to watch the show and Leanna is still a bit, eh- since Chabo bit her.”

“I don’t appreciate what you’re implying.” Violet said. 

“He ain’t implying anything,” Isadora soothed. “The baby is plenty scary.” Sunny growled at that. “See.”

“I don’t care, Lulu time to tell me where the Baudelaires are.” Olaf gave her his arm and Esmé’s face twisted when she took it.

All five children shot Olivia a look at Olaf’s words and she gave a small reassuring smile. Olaf and her then walked in the building and out of sight.

There were people already queuing in at the ticket booth. And when they caught sight of the freaks they began to call to them.

“Look freaks!” One of them shouted. “I hope we get to see the two headed on eaten.”

“We quit!” Isadora shouted at them.

“Well that’s boring.” The same man said.

“Then jump in the pit yourself.” Duncan added.

“And that’s rude.” His companion said.

“Cry about it.” Klaus said

“I beg your pardon!” She shouted.

“Then beg!” Klaus shot back.

Violet physically pulled her brother and friends back towards the tent of freaks, if they were going to have to watch the show might as well have good seats.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This headache is currently trying to kill me, three days is far too long and it is making finishing this fic unreasonably hard.

**Author's Note:**

> I will try to update weekly but this first chapter is more for motivation to actually finish this fic by having something out there.


End file.
